033.

[fitz_clementine]

I am so hopeless sometimes. One thing makes me happy and then another makes me feel like shit; my problem is that I compare myself to other people, and it's kind of funny in a bleak way because I'll berate myself for the ways in which I fall short of who they are and what they've done, but also for the ways in which I'm more positively exceptional compared to some group of others. Shining too much. Any kind of sticking out. Or not sticking out: why do I have to half-ass everything? Why am I so boring? I can't even commit to self-destruction. I can't even do that well; I'm such a fuckup that even my fucking up is mediocre. I feel all wrong. But then I think about how there are a lot of things I might want to do and learn, and how it's a lie that if you're over twenty and you aren't on a clear, straight path yet it's too late to make your life a daring and bold adventure an ambitious one. And how it's a lie that it's not worth bothering with games you cannot win, or skills you cannot master; I mean, swallowing that one the whole way down is probably part of why a lot of people want to kill themselves, because what else is living? And how it's okay if I don't hit the "right" milestones at the "right" ages, and how it's all right if some things take a very long time.

ANYWAY, what I should've done is, I should've updated yesterday, which was a wonderful day that had put me in a wonderful mood. Today, I'm suddenly doing this whole stupid self-berating thing for some particularly stupid reasons.

While I go slap some sense into myself, have a fun conspiracy theory: the phantom time hypothesis (whooooo-ooooo-oooo)! Carrie, you'll like this one.