Oh dear!
I enjoy that my userpicture on this account is of my large pregnant belly. It seems like SO long ago! I guess it kind of is so long ago...Ahh. ^.^
And now, the purpose of this post.
I am done with David in new ways at this time in my life. I talked with him about supporting me to have the time I truly need to myself in my life by trying to make it here twice a week with the intention of hanging out with Tyler for a few hours in the morning. This is not to say that he has not been coming here and that he has not been supporting us, because he has. However, I felt consistent relatively predictable times to myself would be useful in preventing nervous breakdown. I seem to have been cycling from overjoyed enthusiam/high energy flux to losing patience easily with Tyler, upset/low energy flux, which was nearing a burn-out for me, which a Mother simply cannot do.
Anyways, so after much talk, and much talking into, David said he would aim to come over on Sunday evenings, spend the night, and hang out with T Monday morning. It was agreed that the second day would be what worked out that particular week.
That was on Friday. He left on Saturday saying that he would come by Sunday evening. So what did I think but that he was going to give me space to myself by hanging out with T on Monday? Not so. Monday morning, about 7:00/7:30 he appears outside of the not long awake doorway of T and I and says: "I'm taking off." ....
I expressed that I thought that he was coming here on this day so that I could have some time to myself. He said he had just happened to be here because lastnight (which, btw, was all he did. He came by before T went to bed, and just crashed here). We did not say anything beyond that when from the bedroom I hear the back door closing not a 30 seconds later. Oh how enraged I felt!
I allayed my rage, thinking it would be foolish to draw conclusions. What if he was just outside having a cigarette and contemplating what was happening. I looked out the window into the backyard, no David. I thought, okay, don't get too upset yet, so I looked out the front window to the porch, no David. Okay, okay, but perhaps he has gone on a walk to look for tobacco. Don't fret too much yet. So after about 20 minutes it was pretty clear that he had indeed disrespected me and the work I do for our child in the most insulting, enraging way. And so it is also clear to me that:
a. I never want to sleep with that person again. (I know, it took me a bit long to get that one, but you try having a baby with someone and not wanting it to be able to work out between you, no matter the shit that occurs!)
b. I don't want to really go out of my way for him anymore, (making allowances, cooking meals for him, etc.).
c. Just...FUCK HIM!!!
*ehem*...
So his mother called me from Alberta lastnight, oh I do love her! She told me that Wilkonson (the prison here) called her to tell her that David was in jail and they ended up talking for a half-hour! She was very supportive of me and saddened by the lack of presence David is giving us. It was SO nice to receive her support and reflection in this that I wanted to cry!!! I still want to cry.
Also, I do have a small crush on someone, in a direction I NEVER would have guessed it to be. And wether or not anything manifests from that, it is part of the process I am going through of firstly recognizing that I am allowed to experience love with another, and secondly that I can.
Anyways, I must rush to the privy.
Love to you all in cyber land!
-Sarah
And now, the purpose of this post.
I am done with David in new ways at this time in my life. I talked with him about supporting me to have the time I truly need to myself in my life by trying to make it here twice a week with the intention of hanging out with Tyler for a few hours in the morning. This is not to say that he has not been coming here and that he has not been supporting us, because he has. However, I felt consistent relatively predictable times to myself would be useful in preventing nervous breakdown. I seem to have been cycling from overjoyed enthusiam/high energy flux to losing patience easily with Tyler, upset/low energy flux, which was nearing a burn-out for me, which a Mother simply cannot do.
Anyways, so after much talk, and much talking into, David said he would aim to come over on Sunday evenings, spend the night, and hang out with T Monday morning. It was agreed that the second day would be what worked out that particular week.
That was on Friday. He left on Saturday saying that he would come by Sunday evening. So what did I think but that he was going to give me space to myself by hanging out with T on Monday? Not so. Monday morning, about 7:00/7:30 he appears outside of the not long awake doorway of T and I and says: "I'm taking off." ....
I expressed that I thought that he was coming here on this day so that I could have some time to myself. He said he had just happened to be here because lastnight (which, btw, was all he did. He came by before T went to bed, and just crashed here). We did not say anything beyond that when from the bedroom I hear the back door closing not a 30 seconds later. Oh how enraged I felt!
I allayed my rage, thinking it would be foolish to draw conclusions. What if he was just outside having a cigarette and contemplating what was happening. I looked out the window into the backyard, no David. I thought, okay, don't get too upset yet, so I looked out the front window to the porch, no David. Okay, okay, but perhaps he has gone on a walk to look for tobacco. Don't fret too much yet. So after about 20 minutes it was pretty clear that he had indeed disrespected me and the work I do for our child in the most insulting, enraging way. And so it is also clear to me that:
a. I never want to sleep with that person again. (I know, it took me a bit long to get that one, but you try having a baby with someone and not wanting it to be able to work out between you, no matter the shit that occurs!)
b. I don't want to really go out of my way for him anymore, (making allowances, cooking meals for him, etc.).
c. Just...FUCK HIM!!!
*ehem*...
So his mother called me from Alberta lastnight, oh I do love her! She told me that Wilkonson (the prison here) called her to tell her that David was in jail and they ended up talking for a half-hour! She was very supportive of me and saddened by the lack of presence David is giving us. It was SO nice to receive her support and reflection in this that I wanted to cry!!! I still want to cry.
Also, I do have a small crush on someone, in a direction I NEVER would have guessed it to be. And wether or not anything manifests from that, it is part of the process I am going through of firstly recognizing that I am allowed to experience love with another, and secondly that I can.
Anyways, I must rush to the privy.
Love to you all in cyber land!
-Sarah