Wow. Just, wow. I understand much more where you're coming from now. Well, at least we learn a lot--about ourselves, about other people, about how we want and need to be treated, and about what we're willing to do and not do--from relationships as shitty as the one you've described. Of course, nine years is a long hard prison sentence in a relationship just to learn that it's NOT what you want, but that's the nature of the beast, I guess. I'm so glad for your sake that you've not only moved on and found the man of your dreams, but are able to put this behind you (for the most part) and not continue living out the same old pattern of coercion and abuse. You deserved so much better. (And thanks for sharing.)
No, I'm not... thank GAWD! I have my marvelous naturopath to thank for my new found health =-) For years I had nasty stomach problems caused by a history of anorexia, ongoing stress, being a poor student living on potatoes, pasta and popcorn, and various allergies. That was the primary cause of the dyspareunia, but it was complicated by being unable to relax, etc.
A dumbass gyno tried to treat it with estrogen, but that just screwed me up even more. Who would have ever though that a simple cure lies in a combination of dumping stupid boyfriends and removing sugars, yeast, and other irritants from your diet. Oh! And quitting the birth control pill... that was a big part of it, as well. So, Yay!! After years in an uphill struggle, I'm now doing just fine, as if nothing was ever wrong in the first place =-) Thanks for asking =-)
Thanks for such considerate words, and I'm glad I posted it in the end... my closet friends are aware of what happened, now that its so long behind me, and of course, my boyfriend knows all about it as well. Still, I sometimes feel like I'm carrying the past around as a secret stupidity of my former self. Although your story was completely different, it does help me to realize that other women have been trapped in emotionally and psychologically hurtful situations and that finding it hard to get out isn't a failure... its an effect of the way we're expected to behave... giving, understanding, nurturing, blah blah blah.
Indeed, shitty relationships are educational. All things considering, I'm glad I learned quickly enough so that I dind't wind up in a similiar situation with yet another asshole. Two are enough... the more I think about it, the more I see similiarities between my father and my ex... :shudder:.
No, finding yourself trapped in a bad relationship and being unable to extricate yourself is NOT a failure in my book. Let's face it, we as women have a serious fear of ending up alone, and when you compound that with a situation that slowly drills into us that whatever we have is all we ever deserve, and that we can't do any better than this, and yadda yadda.... well, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's funny, looking back, I see a lot of similarities between MY father and MY ex as well. My dad was certainly never abusive, but he is extremely passive-aggressive sometimes, very reserved with his emotions and support, and takes pleasure in withholding and going into his cave. In a lot of ways, the ex was just a caricature of a lot of my dad's flaws. But that's a whole 'nother topic. :)
I think it definitely helps to talk about this kind of stuff because it reminds us that we're not alone (literally, us, but any other women who might stumble on this thread), and the availability of such stories might encourage other women to trust their guts and GET OUT.
Its such a huge massive world out there, filled with tons of people. Sure, lots of them are dumbasses, but lots of them are awesome, too. I really do like to think that there is a/are great, loving partner/s out there for everyone. What it takes is finding confidence within to leave a bad situation, understand that being a lone for a little while (or even a long while) ISN'T bad, and that it takes time to figure out ourselves before figuring out who is best to spend time with.
Sorry to hear you had a father/ex similarity situation going, as well. Perhaps this is a good reason to support returning to ancient community-based living... no single male or female personalities dominating our subconscious duirng those crucial, formative years! ha ha!
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A dumbass gyno tried to treat it with estrogen, but that just screwed me up even more. Who would have ever though that a simple cure lies in a combination of dumping stupid boyfriends and removing sugars, yeast, and other irritants from your diet. Oh! And quitting the birth control pill... that was a big part of it, as well. So, Yay!! After years in an uphill struggle, I'm now doing just fine, as if nothing was ever wrong in the first place =-) Thanks for asking =-)
Reply
Indeed, shitty relationships are educational. All things considering, I'm glad I learned quickly enough so that I dind't wind up in a similiar situation with yet another asshole. Two are enough... the more I think about it, the more I see similiarities between my father and my ex... :shudder:.
Reply
It's funny, looking back, I see a lot of similarities between MY father and MY ex as well. My dad was certainly never abusive, but he is extremely passive-aggressive sometimes, very reserved with his emotions and support, and takes pleasure in withholding and going into his cave. In a lot of ways, the ex was just a caricature of a lot of my dad's flaws. But that's a whole 'nother topic. :)
Reply
Its such a huge massive world out there, filled with tons of people. Sure, lots of them are dumbasses, but lots of them are awesome, too. I really do like to think that there is a/are great, loving partner/s out there for everyone. What it takes is finding confidence within to leave a bad situation, understand that being a lone for a little while (or even a long while) ISN'T bad, and that it takes time to figure out ourselves before figuring out who is best to spend time with.
Sorry to hear you had a father/ex similarity situation going, as well. Perhaps this is a good reason to support returning to ancient community-based living... no single male or female personalities dominating our subconscious duirng those crucial, formative years! ha ha!
Reply
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