birthday post because mun fuffing says so <3

[otaku_mk_ii]

There was a very cheerful Otacon in the fifth floor kitchen attempting to put together a cake. If anyone knew this Otacon well enough, that sentence alone would be utterly horrifying. The last time he had tried this was infamously known to his version of Philanthropy under the ominous name of the 'Silverburgh Birthday Incident

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[bringsuffering]

"What's cooking, doc?"

Pain likes to cook. He does it when he's bored or stressed. And so when he finds an Otacon in his kitchen, he can't help but be curious.

[otaku_mk_ii]

"Oh, hi." He remembered having talked to a Pain a while ago, but he wasn't sure whether or not this was the same one. "I was just trying to make a cake, that's all."

[bringsuffering]

"What sort of cake~?"

He's looking for the recipe; you can freeform normal food however the hell you want, but baking--baking is different. Baking is science. You can't mess around with baking or it'll blow up in your face.

"Can I help?"

As much as EP likes explosions, he likes his Otacons not being blown up more. (Shutup it's perfectly normal to dote on pet scientists)

[otaku_mk_ii]

"Strawberry cake with vanilla frosting." He casually indicated an open cookbook a few feet away, still smiling.

And said explosions were always quite literal in Otacon's case. He could fo things with electronics never thought possible, but cooking...well, he had just never gotten the hang of that.

[bringsuffering]

He runs his thumb down the page of the cookbook, mouthing the ingredients.

"What step are you on? This isn't a beginner's recipe."

Not a particularly hard one either, but...you know that feeling soldiers get when the wrong move will put them in incredible danger? That tingle on the back of the neck, that chilled sweat of anticipation, that skipped beat of a nervous heart?

He's getting it.

[otaku_mk_ii]

"Um...good question, actually."

And with good reason, EP. And with good reason.

"I...think I might've lost track."

[bringsuffering]

"Then we should start over."

He remembers some of his own failures in baking. He's killed with appitizers before, and not in the good arsenic and digitoxin and hidden needle way. Pain starts gathering ingredients.

"Baking is a precise art. You can't just get lost in the middle and expect things not to go horribly wrong. Dump out what you have."

Hopefully Otacon doesn't mind being bossed around right now, because Pain is going to make sure this recipe turns out right. Or die trying. (Hopefully there won't be any more explosions...)

[otaku_mk_ii]

"But I already put it in the ov--"

BOOM.

"Gah--!" The oven door was now barely hanging off its hinges, and there was a thick cloud of black smoke coming from a piece of charcoal that should have been a cake.

"...Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I can fix that, I didn't mean to--!" Frantic apologies spilled forth, only cut off when the engineer started coughing from the smoke. "S-sorry...!"

[bringsuffering]

Congratulations! Otacon has become the first person to get this face and not put someone in immidiete danger of death by enraged Pain.

Although considering how fast he's grabbing the fire extinguisher and spraying the oven, one suspects that the cake has taken the place of any living creature.

Don't worry, he's not yelling yet. He's still too aghast at this monstrosity of baking.

[otaku_mk_ii]

In between coughing fits and attempts to wave away the cloud of smoke, Otacon was still apologizing profusely.

"I-I don't know how that happened, I am so sorry!"

[bringsuffering]

When he's done making sure the ex-cake won't set anything on fire, Pain very calmly yanks Otacon below the smoke so that he doesn't asphyxiate on it

"You idiot!"

and slaps him.

"What were you thinking?! If you'd sat around blathering you could have set the kitchen on fire!"

Although, the calm part of him notes, he could use the man to kill someone with his cooking. Could be useful, that.

[otaku_mk_ii]

The sharp pain in his face stunned the engineer for a split second before bringing him back to his senses.

"I, er...s-sorry." he apologized again, averting his gaze. Otacon was just the kind of person who was completely oblivious to how dangerous his own cooking really was until it backfired.

[bringsuffering]

"Right. We should find another kitchen, one with a working oven. The Nexus will fix this one. And then we'll go over how you made this one explode and how not to have it happen again."

He grimaces. "I'll get the recipe book and meet you outside. Got it?"

[otaku_mk_ii]

"I-I understand. Right. I-I'll be more careful."

[bringsuffering]

After a few minutes, Pain exits the room with the book under his arm. He looks around for Otacon....

[otaku_mk_ii]

Looking thouroughly embarrassed and a bit ashamed of his most recent kitchen screwup, Otacon walked out with his hands in the pockets of his labcoat.