Letters...
DEAR EMMA.
I wish I could say this to your face, but I doubt even that would make you understand. I am not you. Yes, we are sisters, and yes, we look a lot alike, despite the fact that your hair is shorter and your eyes a little more yellow than my own. Yes, we are mistaken as twins, despite the ten-year age difference. But this doesn’t make me into your little clone at all; whatever made you think so? I’m smarter than you are, you’ve said that yourself, and I have completely different interests to you. You like Gotye. I like Kpop. Get over it.
I wish you would just realise this already. You keep telling me about my options, about how Wollongong is a brilliant university, about how I will do well in nursing. And yet, they’re not really options, are they? Every time I mention the possibility of studying elsewhere, of doing a different degree, you shoot me down and tell me exactly why it isn’t a good idea. I don’t want to do nursing. I have told you this many times before. I want to do music, or maybe literacy, and I want to do something I enjoy, not slaving away in a job that I hate but yet at the same time pays well, just so I can be sure of having the most indulgent type of ice-cream in my freezer.
I’m sick and tired of you telling me that Music is a career path that will get me nowhere; so you failed at your art degree. Haven’t you ever noticed? Music isn’t art; Music has more job potential, music is something that I am more skilled and passionate about than you ever were about music.
Furthermore, you tell me that travelling the world, seeing things that I’ve always wanted to see, experiencing a new culture, is not worth it, that said experience will get me nowhere, that I’ll never be able to make a living in a foreign country because I don’t know the language. I speak two languages already, Sister dearest, and that second one didn’t take me long to learn at all (Even if I've forgotten all of it now). I can understand where you are coming from, of course I do, but at the same time, I know I have the skill needed to be able to learn another one, to be able to make a living even if the language barrier hinders me. Believe it or not, there are actually musical industries in places like Korea, and Japan, that seemingly have no concept of language barrier; They accepted one kid from canada, Henry, who doesn't speak the native language, or at least speaks very little, just because he has reached the top grade of violin, and because he can dance. I've been doing ballroom since the age of six, so that isn't a problem. How long would it take me to reach the same grade in piano?
TWO. FUCKING. YEARS.
Not that long, when you think about it. Is it?
… *Sigh*
One more thing. I am going to this school for a reason. I have people looking after me constantly. I have two psychologists outside of school. But at the same time, do you see scars on my wrists? Neither do I. But I certainly do see recent ones on yours. I also see the lasting effects of your latest suicide attempt. So why is it, my dear sister, that you feel I’m the one that needs counsel from you? Why must you constantly tell me, ignoring the fact that I have people doing the same thing anyway, exactly what will help me, when obviously it isn’t working for you?
It’s not like you’re going to listen to me anyway, is it? Because I’m just your little clone, who has exactly the same opinion as you.
Ani Difranco; "32 Flavors"
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said
I'm sorry for the emo, people on my flist. But this has been going on for years, and I've had enough. I know that a lot of what is in this post appears incorrect, such as the random facts, and I admit that I am exaggerating a little because I'm angry and upset at the fact that she outright told me that I have to live the way she tells me to. However, I like to imagine that the majority of this post is true, or close to it.