(no subject)
i feel like the whole of the twleve step population is really trying to push programs on me so it can take credit for my sobriety this time around. i was first introduced to aa in 2012 after my life had fallen apart. it laid a foundation for me that still stands today. after i had stopped going to meetings back in 2015, i never stopped trying to the best of my ability to live my life according to the principles of honesty.
with my mars dominant energy, which is like a soldier, always following through with a task- i have already committed to one year of sobriety. to achieve this on year, aa does not make sense to me. make it make sense to me while i maintain my sobriety with use of the occult. astrology makes sense to me. it makes sense to me that neptune in my second house makes others look at me as though im hiding something. it makes sense to me that i have three planets in my first house, and four planets in my second house and the first quadrant of the birth chart is identity. it makes sense to me that ive struggled with my identity, specifically truly owning my identity and asserting myself through the guidance of my higher being. it makes sense to me that first house of appearance i have this scorpio mars magnetic energy that has caused me trouble all my life. it makes sense to me, it really does.
moon square neptune makes sense because of the codependency and addiction issues that arise. it makes sense to just be aware of myself on these deeper levels. that way the addiction doesn't seem so large and sobriety doesn't seem unattainable. it's only an aspect of my chart that i can be aware of and work on. i know to give my power away to my addiction is to open myself up to bullying and not only that, it does not provide a sustainable life for my child.
what hurts the most about everything is that my whole life i have felt this soldier energy, this athletic energy, and as a result of my childhood traumas, i fell behind on this and rarely worked on my physical self. i went through a sedentary depression up until my twenties. i remember always wishing they would pick me for teams but nope. im making up for this now in my life but to know that it was in fact taken from me makes me angry for my inner child who just wanted to play sports.
trigger warning- only weeks ago i was trying to victim blame myself for rapes that happened in my twenties, saying well i have this mars scorpio energy tat makes me attractive, so... but that was wrong. i forgive myself for blaming myself. those rapes were not my fault. the fact that they were done by people who loved me AND i was trying to blame myself and let them off the hook---
that was my alarm for booking an appointment with my counsellor and im waiting for that. not only is shit coming up from just over ten years ago, but i feel like the program is being pushed on me.
something beautiful is going to come from my healing but because im Capricorn, it's going to be long, played out, and welll fucking worth the wait.