(no subject)
I'm not sure if today could have gotten much worse.
It's not even the fact that the viewing was all depressing or that I hate seeing my mom cry or whatever. I absolutely feel like I should be lined up, blindfolded and shot. I feel like scum. I feel lower that dog shit. I can't escape the fact that I know she dissaproves and regrets ever agreeing to such a stupid, stupid idea.
I can't do it.
I can't go through with it.
I know she needs to be taken care of, but I can't bring myself to do it.
I'm pretty sure anybody who's anybody has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, so here's a nice picture to make up for the time of yours I wasted by reading this post.
And I have no idea why, but the fact that I spelled Brianna's name wrong (I honestly didn't even think to look, I never used her full name or spelled it for that matter) earlier makes me feel even worse. I should have thought about it, or at least checked or something. I grew up next door to her and her family for fifteen years, and I couldnt even spell her name. I felt like I should have cried today, and I almost did when I hugged her dad, my first role model, and he cried when he saw our family. I almost lost it, but I couldnt, and I felt like such a dick because her brother chaz, one of my first real friends, was crying and when I hugged him, I couldnt cry. It felt like he needed me to, but I couldnt do it. I wasn't there for him. With all the past that we have, I let him down.
My mom said that she thought I was strong for keeping my composure.
I've never felt weaker in my entire life.
I..
...
I lost what I was going to say. Sorry to cut it off here, I'm done for now.