when in doubt read....

[fishielips]

this morning has been filled with thoughts i cant even put into words. for so long i have been wondering, wishing, hoping and god forbid, dreaming over things i have no clue about. nothing to do with my friends, family, or even crushes (sorry) but more about my future, and what i want to become. i havent quite figured out what that is yet, but i think i may have come a step closer to it. i miss what i had, but im glad for what i have. i have wonderful friends who have helped me though some of the hardest times, knowing that thier will be more, and worse. i have written stories, poems, songs, and other crazy lit, but non of it could even express everything i feel. i love to jot down little notes, little words of love, and truth, but i dont feel like i get my point across. which is sad. i paint, i draw, i mosaic, but nothing i produce turns out the way i want it to. i can sing, sure, but its not like i have an angelic voice. i can laugh and some how make other people laugh too, but who knows, are they laughing with me, or at me. yes i might not always say the right thing, actually the truth is i hardly ever say the right thing. i stumbble over the words, spill out my thoughts, and offend without intention. sometimes i hate it, sometimes it better. their is NO way in a million years i could have told ian that i like him and why without having that terrible compustion to be bruitly honest. i guess when i have something to say i cant keep it in. sometimes i wish i could. most of the time-not. i have passions that i havent even explored, and may never, but i read and i wish. someday i want to go to EUROPE. or maybe even live there! i want to go skiing, i want to go on a roller coaster (not that im counting but its only a week until i get to cross that off my list!) i want to have that one kiss with that one person i have had my eyes on, and feel all the butterflies jumping floating and flittering around in my little stomach. i want to be able to tell my mother how i really feel about her, and maybe get some respect from her for once. i want to have my own apartment and live by myself. i want to be able to cry and be held when i do. i want to overcome my fears, and forget all the things that bring me down. i want to let people know how much i love them, and have the courage to tell them. i want so much, but yet cant have it, or at least not right now. i dont want to be sick anymore, i dont want to have to cry myself to sleep ever again, and i dont want to wake up every morning with the fear of pain, hurt feelings, discomfort or negitvity. i want to live my life.
i dont mean to sound depressed, because im NOT, im actually very happy for all the things i have been though. i know im strong, and i have ppl who love me and care about me. im not worried about losing that. i just feel like sometimes things seem so far away, and so hard to reach. i have goals, dreams, wishes and desires, and i WILL strive to get them. i want to be that kind of person, that when i die, at my funeral, no one will say "thank god shes gone," or " im glad its over." i want people to say "she had a wonderful life, a wonderful spirit, and undying love for everyone." i love all, i even love all who hate me. i dont want revenge for those who ha ve hurt me, or dispitfuly used me, i want to tell them im sorry, and i would like to be thier friend. i am who i am, sometimes it may seem like i contradicd myself, but i know what i mean, and i hope whom ever reads this knows that at well. i love you all, and hope you are all having a fantasic day like i am! and it only just began!