stars...
today... mmm... what happened... kristine said stupid stuff to me again! whats new? i had to go to the doc bcuz the hole in my neck (from the heart surgery) opened last night, and it felt like glass was running thru my veins. it hurted! so the doc said " you going to hate me for tell you this, but its all scar tissue from the surgery, and if you twist your neck wrong it rips, or streches and causes it to hurt." i wont ever go out of it! see... one a heart problem, always a heart problem! not fair! so school sucked, but i did see ian, that always make me feel a little better! ok i lied, a lot better!
i dont really feel like going into how i feel about him right now, so new topic!
prayer....
"god, i have been really good today, i havent gossiped, i havent been mean to anyone, i havent sworn, i havent thought bad thoughts about anyone. i think im on a role. but god..... in a few minutes im going to be getting out of bed, and then im relaly going to need your help!"
i had a thought today... ( deep moments...) i thought about how it would be to just stare up at the stars in a field, you know, far away from the city lights, and just stare up into the darkened sky, looking at all the hundres of thousands of stars. i miss summer ( its commin!!) i miss walks, i miss everything.
i took a nap today after school, and i had a crazy dream, i was walking in a park or something, alone (why i dunno) but some guy grabed my hand, his hands were soft and delicate. you could tell he wanted to be around me, and i turned around to see how it was, but i couldnt see a face. the dream continued, and had weird twists, but i dont think you all need to know this, but it was weird, why if i felt like this person and i shared something more than just a friendship, or little cutesy relationship, could i not see their face. at one point in my dream i ran around in circles trying to see his face, but i couldnt. it was really weird! i dunno what to think.
well im going shopping with my sister tomorrow, and need sleep for our all day deal! i have too many things on my mind, but i guess the only one i relaly have to explain before my head explodes is this... as weird as it may sound, i didnt want another relationship, im sick of always having to protect myself. i felt for a long time that i wasnt who i am unless i was with someone else. in the last few days ( after being locked in my room cuz my mom is mean) i have really found myself. i think its impossible to like someone else until you like yourself. i think im to the point where im not looking for a realtionship, but wouldnt mind if one came along. there are only 2 guys i would ever consiter datting (that i know as of today) and i dont think one would, and the other is sorta "taken my other means." aka he's over seas right now, and wont be back for some time. i really think im ruining everything i told ian, by changing my mind about realationships, but i think i see things clearly now. too much to expound on, im confusing myself,a nd i dont make sence, so im going to bed... ill explain more later! peace!
i dont really feel like going into how i feel about him right now, so new topic!
prayer....
"god, i have been really good today, i havent gossiped, i havent been mean to anyone, i havent sworn, i havent thought bad thoughts about anyone. i think im on a role. but god..... in a few minutes im going to be getting out of bed, and then im relaly going to need your help!"
i had a thought today... ( deep moments...) i thought about how it would be to just stare up at the stars in a field, you know, far away from the city lights, and just stare up into the darkened sky, looking at all the hundres of thousands of stars. i miss summer ( its commin!!) i miss walks, i miss everything.
i took a nap today after school, and i had a crazy dream, i was walking in a park or something, alone (why i dunno) but some guy grabed my hand, his hands were soft and delicate. you could tell he wanted to be around me, and i turned around to see how it was, but i couldnt see a face. the dream continued, and had weird twists, but i dont think you all need to know this, but it was weird, why if i felt like this person and i shared something more than just a friendship, or little cutesy relationship, could i not see their face. at one point in my dream i ran around in circles trying to see his face, but i couldnt. it was really weird! i dunno what to think.
well im going shopping with my sister tomorrow, and need sleep for our all day deal! i have too many things on my mind, but i guess the only one i relaly have to explain before my head explodes is this... as weird as it may sound, i didnt want another relationship, im sick of always having to protect myself. i felt for a long time that i wasnt who i am unless i was with someone else. in the last few days ( after being locked in my room cuz my mom is mean) i have really found myself. i think its impossible to like someone else until you like yourself. i think im to the point where im not looking for a realtionship, but wouldnt mind if one came along. there are only 2 guys i would ever consiter datting (that i know as of today) and i dont think one would, and the other is sorta "taken my other means." aka he's over seas right now, and wont be back for some time. i really think im ruining everything i told ian, by changing my mind about realationships, but i think i see things clearly now. too much to expound on, im confusing myself,a nd i dont make sence, so im going to bed... ill explain more later! peace!