Final Copy of Cry
This is the copy I submitted.
I changed it a fair bit, but I still kept a lot of it the same. -.-''
I like this copy WAY better.
After getting the feedback from Mr Slade from my draft, I was able to edit it.
Can't wait to see my result. Should get it on Monday (fingers crossed).
Cry
It was years before Valerii returned, but he knew right away. Something was wrong with his cousin. Valerii saw the crystal glimmer; the joy and the pain shining through in the other man’s eyes. There was emotion cracking through and replacing the usually icy gaze. But Aubrey had never cried. Not even as a child. He’d never shown any emotion. Aubrey forever maintained the detached attitude, but now… Now there was more in those violet eyes. It frightened Valerii to see his cousin’s strength crumbling. There was hesitation in all of Aubrey’s words and actions. Before, he had been so certain, so why did he pause now? Valerii would watch the wavering self-confidence, his heart aching every second. He didn’t know if the others could see it, but Valerii had known his cousin inside and out. It seemed, though, that Aubrey had lost himself somewhere along the way. Now it seemed that he couldn’t even claim to know his own thoughts, let alone rely on Valerii to understand him. Where was the Aubrey that Valerii remembered? The blond had previously likened Aubrey to a doll. Precious china, so cold and delicate, ever silent and ever beautiful. He could still be likened to the doll, but more to a puppet, strings pulled and teased for years before the ties were cut and the doll was left to its own devices. Left alone in the world to educate himself, as if expected to already understand how things work. It was as if someone had given him a toy but neglected to hand over the manual. But Aubrey was an intelligent man; amazingly so. What in the world could have him so confused? Perhaps… perhaps it was the one thing no one could understand. ‘Your heart. But how is that a problem? I need help…’ Valerii thought to himself.
“Aubrey… something’s wrong with him,” Valerii murmured, cradling the warm mug to his chest. Golden eyes trained themselves on him. There was a pause, a moment of assessment, a moment of contemplation. After a minute, pale lips parted, the softest of utterings escaping past the vicious fangs. His voice was smooth and deep, a melodic whisper of poetry that echoed in the quiet chamber. “It is long past the time where Aubrey had a problem. Not anything that we would judge as a problem. A life without a heart is no real life at all, is it? Not for us. Opening up his heart, having these feelings… its no real problem.” Valerii nodded, frowning. The movement caused a single golden coil to slip, obscuring round blue eyes in their surveillance of Valerii’s sole companion; the vampire. The two sat opposite each other, a fire crackled, producing the only light and warmth in the room. The dwindling flame, however, succeeded in neither of these attempts. Mercury was a nocturnal hunter, his eyes adapted to the dark and Valerii felt no desire for further light. He did shiver, though, as the icy grip, previously overpowered by the fire, began to sting at his body, nipping at his exposed neck and face. The blond watched his companion stare blankly into the tea. He wondered, ‘Does Mercury even feel the cold?’ He was deathly pale, shock of electric red hair illuminating the sickly tinge of his skin. A vampire; a dead body. He couldn’t truly feel, not the same way others would anyway. A sigh fell from his mouth. “I want help him, Mercury…” Valerii murmured. The vampire frowned, golden eyes again focusing upon the blond speaker. “But can you help him?” Mercury questioned, a single, delicate red eyebrow raised. Valerii opened his mouth slightly, words on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them. Pursing his lips, he turned his eyes to the dying fire.
Aubrey ran a hand through Valerii’s velvety curls, a tiny smile pulling at his thin lips and, yet, at the same time, he felt a violent burning at the top of his nose. ‘No,’ he told himself, violently shaking his head, ‘you will not cry this time.’ Valerii sat up suddenly, hand reaching swiftly to cup Aubrey’s chin. Aubrey jumped, startled, and frowned at his cousin. A slender finger ran gracefully down his cheek, tracing a familiar pattern. Aubrey’s breath caught in his throat, his chest tightening. “Val…” he whispered, eyes wide. He stared at the blond, shaking his head slightly, black tendrils flipping softly behind him. “Please… I don’t want to do this anymore.” The pleading tone in his voice pulled at the strings of Valerii’s heart. “Aubrey… it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to cry when you’re sad and when you’re happy. It’s always okay.” There was a slight pause before Aubrey grasped his cousin, pulling him into a tight embrace. Valerii buried his face into Aubrey’s chest, stroking the other man’s back softly. He felt tears falling; a gentle pressure on his hair each time one drop fell. And as each tear fell, Aubrey took another step closer to opening up his heart.
I changed it a fair bit, but I still kept a lot of it the same. -.-''
I like this copy WAY better.
After getting the feedback from Mr Slade from my draft, I was able to edit it.
Can't wait to see my result. Should get it on Monday (fingers crossed).
Cry
It was years before Valerii returned, but he knew right away. Something was wrong with his cousin. Valerii saw the crystal glimmer; the joy and the pain shining through in the other man’s eyes. There was emotion cracking through and replacing the usually icy gaze. But Aubrey had never cried. Not even as a child. He’d never shown any emotion. Aubrey forever maintained the detached attitude, but now… Now there was more in those violet eyes. It frightened Valerii to see his cousin’s strength crumbling. There was hesitation in all of Aubrey’s words and actions. Before, he had been so certain, so why did he pause now? Valerii would watch the wavering self-confidence, his heart aching every second. He didn’t know if the others could see it, but Valerii had known his cousin inside and out. It seemed, though, that Aubrey had lost himself somewhere along the way. Now it seemed that he couldn’t even claim to know his own thoughts, let alone rely on Valerii to understand him. Where was the Aubrey that Valerii remembered? The blond had previously likened Aubrey to a doll. Precious china, so cold and delicate, ever silent and ever beautiful. He could still be likened to the doll, but more to a puppet, strings pulled and teased for years before the ties were cut and the doll was left to its own devices. Left alone in the world to educate himself, as if expected to already understand how things work. It was as if someone had given him a toy but neglected to hand over the manual. But Aubrey was an intelligent man; amazingly so. What in the world could have him so confused? Perhaps… perhaps it was the one thing no one could understand. ‘Your heart. But how is that a problem? I need help…’ Valerii thought to himself.
“Aubrey… something’s wrong with him,” Valerii murmured, cradling the warm mug to his chest. Golden eyes trained themselves on him. There was a pause, a moment of assessment, a moment of contemplation. After a minute, pale lips parted, the softest of utterings escaping past the vicious fangs. His voice was smooth and deep, a melodic whisper of poetry that echoed in the quiet chamber. “It is long past the time where Aubrey had a problem. Not anything that we would judge as a problem. A life without a heart is no real life at all, is it? Not for us. Opening up his heart, having these feelings… its no real problem.” Valerii nodded, frowning. The movement caused a single golden coil to slip, obscuring round blue eyes in their surveillance of Valerii’s sole companion; the vampire. The two sat opposite each other, a fire crackled, producing the only light and warmth in the room. The dwindling flame, however, succeeded in neither of these attempts. Mercury was a nocturnal hunter, his eyes adapted to the dark and Valerii felt no desire for further light. He did shiver, though, as the icy grip, previously overpowered by the fire, began to sting at his body, nipping at his exposed neck and face. The blond watched his companion stare blankly into the tea. He wondered, ‘Does Mercury even feel the cold?’ He was deathly pale, shock of electric red hair illuminating the sickly tinge of his skin. A vampire; a dead body. He couldn’t truly feel, not the same way others would anyway. A sigh fell from his mouth. “I want help him, Mercury…” Valerii murmured. The vampire frowned, golden eyes again focusing upon the blond speaker. “But can you help him?” Mercury questioned, a single, delicate red eyebrow raised. Valerii opened his mouth slightly, words on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them. Pursing his lips, he turned his eyes to the dying fire.
Aubrey ran a hand through Valerii’s velvety curls, a tiny smile pulling at his thin lips and, yet, at the same time, he felt a violent burning at the top of his nose. ‘No,’ he told himself, violently shaking his head, ‘you will not cry this time.’ Valerii sat up suddenly, hand reaching swiftly to cup Aubrey’s chin. Aubrey jumped, startled, and frowned at his cousin. A slender finger ran gracefully down his cheek, tracing a familiar pattern. Aubrey’s breath caught in his throat, his chest tightening. “Val…” he whispered, eyes wide. He stared at the blond, shaking his head slightly, black tendrils flipping softly behind him. “Please… I don’t want to do this anymore.” The pleading tone in his voice pulled at the strings of Valerii’s heart. “Aubrey… it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to cry when you’re sad and when you’re happy. It’s always okay.” There was a slight pause before Aubrey grasped his cousin, pulling him into a tight embrace. Valerii buried his face into Aubrey’s chest, stroking the other man’s back softly. He felt tears falling; a gentle pressure on his hair each time one drop fell. And as each tear fell, Aubrey took another step closer to opening up his heart.