Update.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing in this, it's not like I've written in here in ages, but at the same time, I just feel as though I need to get things out or something. I feel as though i'm going through a stage in my life where I have no clue as to what the hell is going I just feel completely lost. I'm not going to school. I have no idea what type of career I want. I just work in a pointless job that I hate and I'm going anywhere with it. It's just a dead end. And for the most part I don't really like anyone that works there, or more of, I don't think they like me. I get along with them enough, and there are a couple that I talk to, but it seems like they are so clique-ish, and everyone tends to hang out together and I'm not one of them. Since I'm not some tiny, skinny, pretty ditz, I don't fit it. But then again, what's the point of trying to fit in if it'd just mean hating yourself in the end. I guess I'll just suffer through the days I have to work.
So now I'm stuck. Trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. And I have a dead line! I need to figure out my next step in life by December. That's when our lease it up. I have a couple options. Like convincing Zach that we should move somewhere, and actually get serious about it. Boston could be fun, and I loved to actually move to Charlotte. I could just move to Charlotte on my own, or convince someone else to go with me. I could move to the metro detroit area with Stef, but I don't know how serious she is about that idea. I can always move back to Bay City, but I'm not really too fond of that idea. Needless to say, in December, I'll be moving again, just don't know where. And it sucks that I am forcing myself to become so dependent upon the choices of others.
Which I honestly find a little odd. One of the reasons I ended things with Jeff was because I found myself becoming too dependent upon him. I was starting to plan my future around him. It didn't really matter what I wanted. I figured I'd wait until he was done with school. He'd get a job, and then I'd move to where ever that was, find a job, and start making a living that way. I hated that so I ended things. And now what am I doing? Waiting around until I figure out who I move with, and then just find a job and making a living that way. Ironic, isn't it?
But don't get me wrong, that isn't entirely the reasons I left Jeff. Things weren't working out. We were honestly fighting all the time. I felt as though I had to be on eggshells all the time. Watch what I said, did, or joked around about because he might get upset about something, and then we'd end up fighting about it. I am a non-confrontational person. I tend to avoid arguing at any cost, and it seemed as though this was just not possible. To me, it became over whelming.
And naturally I wonder if I made the right decision, or if I made a mistake. And naturally I had to go back, to confirm the answer. And I feel bad. Because I caused him even more pain. But I truly was what I needed to do. He's moving. And we were starting to argue again. I know we connected on levels I'd never experienced before, and that scared me. But he loved me more than I could ever love him. Or at least that's what he got me to believe. And I shouldn't be with someone who makes me doubt my feelings. Even if it was unintentional.
It was kind of odd though. The past week, I was still talking to him. We were trying to figure things out, and we were spending time together again. I felt old feelings coming back but he told me that we was moving back to Detroit in 3 weeks. Part of me knew that I'd never be able to do long distance, so I never allowed myself to get back into the routine of things. But while I was doing that, I was able to see what Jason meant when he said he never allowed himself to have feelings for me because of our situations. I give him a lot more credit than I used to. It was almost weird, and unsettling to be on the opposite end of things. It's not too often that I really relate with Jason on things, but in this relationship, it happened kind of often.
I guess I just want to make sure that I'm not running from love. Running from commitment. Running from happiness like he say I am. Heaven forbid he is right.
I just want to be loved. I just want to feel the comfort of someone who cares about me. Who doesn't start fights over the stupidest things. Someone who can take a joke. Someone who won't get pissed when I hang out with friends. Someone who forgives me for my stupidity.
Someone who takes me breath away and makes me feel happy. Because lets face it, Happy is not an emotion I feel too often lately. I have my happy days, and I finds ways to be content, but in general I just feel... lost. I thought that if I spent time with Jeff again, it'd make that lost feeling go away. It didn't. So i'm assuming this a feeling that time will have to heal. But I have to remember what Zach said. The people I know now, aren't the people I am going to know for the rest of my life. I'm going to meet new people, and have new experiences. I just need to go out there and make it happen.
I just need to go out there and make it happen.
Easier said than done though.
So now I'm stuck. Trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. And I have a dead line! I need to figure out my next step in life by December. That's when our lease it up. I have a couple options. Like convincing Zach that we should move somewhere, and actually get serious about it. Boston could be fun, and I loved to actually move to Charlotte. I could just move to Charlotte on my own, or convince someone else to go with me. I could move to the metro detroit area with Stef, but I don't know how serious she is about that idea. I can always move back to Bay City, but I'm not really too fond of that idea. Needless to say, in December, I'll be moving again, just don't know where. And it sucks that I am forcing myself to become so dependent upon the choices of others.
Which I honestly find a little odd. One of the reasons I ended things with Jeff was because I found myself becoming too dependent upon him. I was starting to plan my future around him. It didn't really matter what I wanted. I figured I'd wait until he was done with school. He'd get a job, and then I'd move to where ever that was, find a job, and start making a living that way. I hated that so I ended things. And now what am I doing? Waiting around until I figure out who I move with, and then just find a job and making a living that way. Ironic, isn't it?
But don't get me wrong, that isn't entirely the reasons I left Jeff. Things weren't working out. We were honestly fighting all the time. I felt as though I had to be on eggshells all the time. Watch what I said, did, or joked around about because he might get upset about something, and then we'd end up fighting about it. I am a non-confrontational person. I tend to avoid arguing at any cost, and it seemed as though this was just not possible. To me, it became over whelming.
And naturally I wonder if I made the right decision, or if I made a mistake. And naturally I had to go back, to confirm the answer. And I feel bad. Because I caused him even more pain. But I truly was what I needed to do. He's moving. And we were starting to argue again. I know we connected on levels I'd never experienced before, and that scared me. But he loved me more than I could ever love him. Or at least that's what he got me to believe. And I shouldn't be with someone who makes me doubt my feelings. Even if it was unintentional.
It was kind of odd though. The past week, I was still talking to him. We were trying to figure things out, and we were spending time together again. I felt old feelings coming back but he told me that we was moving back to Detroit in 3 weeks. Part of me knew that I'd never be able to do long distance, so I never allowed myself to get back into the routine of things. But while I was doing that, I was able to see what Jason meant when he said he never allowed himself to have feelings for me because of our situations. I give him a lot more credit than I used to. It was almost weird, and unsettling to be on the opposite end of things. It's not too often that I really relate with Jason on things, but in this relationship, it happened kind of often.
I guess I just want to make sure that I'm not running from love. Running from commitment. Running from happiness like he say I am. Heaven forbid he is right.
I just want to be loved. I just want to feel the comfort of someone who cares about me. Who doesn't start fights over the stupidest things. Someone who can take a joke. Someone who won't get pissed when I hang out with friends. Someone who forgives me for my stupidity.
Someone who takes me breath away and makes me feel happy. Because lets face it, Happy is not an emotion I feel too often lately. I have my happy days, and I finds ways to be content, but in general I just feel... lost. I thought that if I spent time with Jeff again, it'd make that lost feeling go away. It didn't. So i'm assuming this a feeling that time will have to heal. But I have to remember what Zach said. The people I know now, aren't the people I am going to know for the rest of my life. I'm going to meet new people, and have new experiences. I just need to go out there and make it happen.
I just need to go out there and make it happen.
Easier said than done though.