my needs have nothing directly to do with my partner's other partner
this is my new mantra. i'm learning. i'm trying, at least. gosh, i thought this would be so easy for me. i mean, it was my idea, after all. he was against an open relationship at first, and he's done a great job of adapting. he's admirable and loving with an open mind.
from a polyamory web site:
It's usually more helpful to ask "Am I getting what I need?" rather than "Am I getting the same things as my partner's other partner?" Not everyone has the same needs, and happiness is found more easily in having your needs met than in having the same things as the people around you. In fact, I think the goal of a relationship should be in seeking to have your relationship needs met in a way that's fulfilling, not in achieving parity with everyone else.
Don't say "You need to stop giving her X;" say "I need Y" instead. Consider the things you need, rather than what you think your partner's other partner is getting. Being happy is not a competition! Going back to the idea of keeping score, rather than saying "You took him to dinner three times and only took me to dinner once," it's often more productive to say "I would like you to take me to dinner more often."
from a polyamory web site:
It's usually more helpful to ask "Am I getting what I need?" rather than "Am I getting the same things as my partner's other partner?" Not everyone has the same needs, and happiness is found more easily in having your needs met than in having the same things as the people around you. In fact, I think the goal of a relationship should be in seeking to have your relationship needs met in a way that's fulfilling, not in achieving parity with everyone else.
Don't say "You need to stop giving her X;" say "I need Y" instead. Consider the things you need, rather than what you think your partner's other partner is getting. Being happy is not a competition! Going back to the idea of keeping score, rather than saying "You took him to dinner three times and only took me to dinner once," it's often more productive to say "I would like you to take me to dinner more often."