I think I get it now...
I've realized something pretty amazing this holiday season. It's the majority of Christians in my area who have really soured my relationship with Christians this year, and why I feel a lot more negatively toward them than I was last year. It's not so much me playing the repressed and oppressed thing as I've seen lots of examples of it happening to others, and it's made me really uncomfortable to witness and deal with, particularly as I get the impression that their main divine figure would really disapprove of that shit going down.
That's another thing I've come to realize too. Jesus was an awesome guy. He hung out with EVERYBODY, and well, I get the idea that he could have seen the good in anybody, even if they didn't believe what he was telling them. Jesus wasn't the kind of guy to go around pointing fingers and say who was going to Hell for doing what, and you know what else? The bible was written by HUMANS. Sure, they believed they were divinely inspired, but there's a lot of precedence for humans fucking shit up, so I can see where a lot of the messages of intolerance and hate actually come from now, a lot more clearly than otherwise.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm returning to my old religious views by any stretch of the imagination. Just that I've been reminded that it isn't Jesus I have the problem with, and that he was a pretty awesome guy who wanted to inspire a lot of people to a message of kindness toward each other first of all. I mean, I can't deny that he existed, when there's too much historical precedence for that. Was he divine? I can't say I believe so, but, well, he was a good person who wanted other people to do the right thing toward each other, and who did give his life largely because he wouldn't shut up about those ideals.
So, we have a really brave guy, who knew what he was getting into, but he still decided it was important enough to inspire others to treat each other better than they would have otherwise, which is something that can still be honored and admired. In light of that, looking at a day honoring his birth and life can't feel entirely wrong to me. I HATE the way that Christianity used that life to force everyone else out of their own celebrations and customs, and I really hate being told that it's the only thing that should have ever been celebrated, but I'm not going to waste my energy being angry at a fairly chill guy whose fault it isn't, and in whom I can find many things to admire just because the people who enforce and promote his message fucked things up and because some of them choose to be willfully ignorant or cruel in the way they treat others, and use that life of peace as a justification for it.
I'm still angry and bitter at those people, and I always will be, but there's so much more to leading a full life than that, and it's very, very wrong of me, and nothing that I feel my gods would want, for me to have such hate in my heart towards those people who do this any longer. They're still wrong for all the hurt and hate that they have generated, in the name of a person who would not have wanted that, divine or not, and I will forever be angry at those who have hurt and harmed my friends who love someone of the same gender, were born in a body that does not match their gender, happen to be another religion, or many other things that are considered wrong in the eyes of these people who let their hate outweigh the message that they take from the life of their god, but I cannot be angry at EVERYONE, indiscriminately anymore, particularly when I know, and have been touched by the lives of so many TRUE Christians, the ones who accept me, and who I do not have to hide with, those who work to help people who their religion might tell them to avoid or shut out, and those who truly do the things that Christ himself might have done. Above all else, I cannot hate the man who tried, while he was on Earth, to help and care for others and to encourage everyone to do the same.
There's something in that message that even I, as a pagan, can take away from him, and a lot of things that I have to be grateful for. The most important of these is peace, and being a peaceful presence for others. That, and the light of peace brought about as my god Lugh is reborn, as other gods, for other people, are reborn, as others celebrate the miracle of the power of a light that lasted longer than it should have, and as many others hold celebrations that I know little else about, seems to be what this time of year is really all about.
I can't say that I won't be angry anymore, or hurt, but I am not going to turn to hate as well, and though I choose to celebrate Christmas for the secular elements only, I will not hate or dread it anymore. The message of the holiday is not the problem. The people who pervert it is, and I won't trap myself with them again. With hope, and peace, and faith, I'm going to find a better way.