...
What do you know? I'm having vaguely psychic dreams again. Today I had a facebook message from my stepmother. Which I am not going to look at. I can do that right? I don't have to see it when I log in? I figure it's probably guilt inducing in some way or other and I can only think that because it's Christmas my brothers suddenly want me to be around to provide presents.
Hey, I'm a bitch, I know but some things...well they're just the truth. I don't dare hope it's actually good news that anything has happened to my father, making my life free of his shadow forever so... I'm just not gonna pay attention one way or the other. I mean I don't actively wish anything bad to happen to him anymore, but I won't exactly be crying when I hear he's finally drunk himself to death or needs a liver transplant or got "gunned down" in the supposedly "bad neighborhood" he works in. Seriously. He mentioned this as a fear once and the neighborhood isn't exactly that bad, but I digress. Thing is I hardly care anymore what happens to him or why, and, as far as I'm concerned, the last family member on his side that I was truly close to is gone so...I'm not losing anything but a lot of anxiety, stress, and guilt. And all this during the first week of finals too. What a lucky, lucky girl I am!
Seriously though. That part of my life brought me nothing but stress (a little in the way of extra funds but), guilt I didn't deserve, and a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation that frankly, is going to take years of therapy to start healing. I cannot, and will not deal with it again. The ten months I've gone without speaking to any of them have been the ten best months of my life in YEARS. I'm not about to give that up right now.
Hey, I'm a bitch, I know but some things...well they're just the truth. I don't dare hope it's actually good news that anything has happened to my father, making my life free of his shadow forever so... I'm just not gonna pay attention one way or the other. I mean I don't actively wish anything bad to happen to him anymore, but I won't exactly be crying when I hear he's finally drunk himself to death or needs a liver transplant or got "gunned down" in the supposedly "bad neighborhood" he works in. Seriously. He mentioned this as a fear once and the neighborhood isn't exactly that bad, but I digress. Thing is I hardly care anymore what happens to him or why, and, as far as I'm concerned, the last family member on his side that I was truly close to is gone so...I'm not losing anything but a lot of anxiety, stress, and guilt. And all this during the first week of finals too. What a lucky, lucky girl I am!
Seriously though. That part of my life brought me nothing but stress (a little in the way of extra funds but), guilt I didn't deserve, and a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation that frankly, is going to take years of therapy to start healing. I cannot, and will not deal with it again. The ten months I've gone without speaking to any of them have been the ten best months of my life in YEARS. I'm not about to give that up right now.