uhm
words fail me.
i want so badly to be able to express the pain that is curled up inside my soul as though it shall reside there forever. i want to reach inside my chest and tear out my beating heart so that it can be as still as Mia's was/is. i want so badly for the emotional roller coaster to stop.
my mind denies that there ever was a mia caria cyrus-miller. it tells me that this is all a horrible joke and when i wake up things will be as they were.
gaib tells me denial is part of the process.
i want to scream and cry and break things and throw things and let go of all this pain and rage inside of me.. but i am scared that once i let go.. i can never come back. i don't wish to lose myself in my grief but i don't wish to not be myself in my grief.
we went to see the fantastic four the other day and one of the big themes in the movie is family... it hit me like a ton of bricks. i sat there willing myself not to cry... and wanting so badly to have my family. i would do anything.
gaib tells me we should wait until after college to try again and i know on a rational level he is right but i so desperately want to be a mommy NOW. i try hard to set my biological clock back a few years but it keeps ticking. tick tick ticking.
i want so badly to be able to express the pain that is curled up inside my soul as though it shall reside there forever. i want to reach inside my chest and tear out my beating heart so that it can be as still as Mia's was/is. i want so badly for the emotional roller coaster to stop.
my mind denies that there ever was a mia caria cyrus-miller. it tells me that this is all a horrible joke and when i wake up things will be as they were.
gaib tells me denial is part of the process.
i want to scream and cry and break things and throw things and let go of all this pain and rage inside of me.. but i am scared that once i let go.. i can never come back. i don't wish to lose myself in my grief but i don't wish to not be myself in my grief.
we went to see the fantastic four the other day and one of the big themes in the movie is family... it hit me like a ton of bricks. i sat there willing myself not to cry... and wanting so badly to have my family. i would do anything.
gaib tells me we should wait until after college to try again and i know on a rational level he is right but i so desperately want to be a mommy NOW. i try hard to set my biological clock back a few years but it keeps ticking. tick tick ticking.