(no subject)
Okay. Let me just start by saying this: I know that Lent is about suffering in silence and thinking about Jesus. And to my credit, I don't really complain about what I gave up to my friends or family. That being said, I'M DYING HERE, PEOPLE. I gave up sweets, or as I like to call them, lunch. I do it every year, and it never gets easier. And every year on Easter, I eat so much candy that I feel sick. I also usually bite one of my fingers during the sugarfest that morning, after which I slip into a sugar-induced coma. It's actually a great way to start off swimsuit season. Really, though. I usually lose about ten pounds over the course of Lent, and I WOULD look good in a swimsuit, but as Jesse so deftly pointed out, I hate wearing swimsuits. I do. They just make me feel so....exposed. Gosh. Just typing that makes me feel like a virgin. Not that that's a bad thing, but really now. It makes me feel like I'm not a human. Haha. You know? Hmm. Maybe I'll just tell my insecurities to fuck off and I'll buy a two piece. That's right, people. Two pieces. Exposed middle. Actually, can I get a three piece? That sounds a lot better. Cover that shit up.
Alright, alright. Let's be COMPLETELY honest here. Where would I wear a swimsuit in Tennessee? That's right. Nowhere. Hopefully, my parents will decide they want to go back to Cancun this summer so I can wear a swimsuit...and be drunk for a week solid. Anything is possible in Cancun. Anything is also acceptable there, too. I saw a MASSIVE woman wearing a bikini, which I think scarred me for life UNTIL I saw the 60-year-old woman sun-bathing topless. Holy God. That was a nightmare. I literally did a double take when I saw that. I thought I was looking at a big piece of shoe leather, but it was that topless old woman. But you know, good for her for not being self-conscious about that...I think.
Let's switch topics before I go blind just from the memory of that incident. Yesterday, I was dicking around on Pinterest and drinking a beer, and I saw this DIY biore strip face mask. In my drunken stupor (I only had one beer, and I didn't think it would affect me the way it did, but after college you kind of become a light-weight) I decided that yes, I could totally make that face mask. Well, let me tell you something. I did it. Drunk me is very adept at mixing milk and unflavored gelatin. I applied it to my face immediately, just like the directions said I should. Let me just say that they don't tell you that it's going to be really damn hot, but that was the least unpleasant part of this whole experience. The smell was awful, but I live with my father, so I can handle bad smells. So I let my face mask dry for fifteen minutes while I watched an episode of The Simpsons, which never dissapoints. The directions said to let it dry until you feel like your face is going to break in half. That should have been clue numero uno. They weren't kidding, either. It feels like your face is pavement that's about to crack. Then you peel it off. Now. I don't know if I put it on when it was too hot and it fused to my skin, or if it was actually supposed to be that painful. They didn't tell me not to put it too close to my hairline, and let's just say drunk me isn't very good at precision anyway, so it was actually in my hair in a few places. Holy. Shit. It felt like I had just waxed my whole face. So painful. I had also gotten it really close to my eyes where the really sensitive skin is, so that was tons of fun. However, my pores looked FANTASTIC after I did it, so I might do it again. Granted, I won't be drunk next time, and I won't put it within three inches of my forehead. I wonder if my hair is going to grow back...
Alright, alright. Let's be COMPLETELY honest here. Where would I wear a swimsuit in Tennessee? That's right. Nowhere. Hopefully, my parents will decide they want to go back to Cancun this summer so I can wear a swimsuit...and be drunk for a week solid. Anything is possible in Cancun. Anything is also acceptable there, too. I saw a MASSIVE woman wearing a bikini, which I think scarred me for life UNTIL I saw the 60-year-old woman sun-bathing topless. Holy God. That was a nightmare. I literally did a double take when I saw that. I thought I was looking at a big piece of shoe leather, but it was that topless old woman. But you know, good for her for not being self-conscious about that...I think.
Let's switch topics before I go blind just from the memory of that incident. Yesterday, I was dicking around on Pinterest and drinking a beer, and I saw this DIY biore strip face mask. In my drunken stupor (I only had one beer, and I didn't think it would affect me the way it did, but after college you kind of become a light-weight) I decided that yes, I could totally make that face mask. Well, let me tell you something. I did it. Drunk me is very adept at mixing milk and unflavored gelatin. I applied it to my face immediately, just like the directions said I should. Let me just say that they don't tell you that it's going to be really damn hot, but that was the least unpleasant part of this whole experience. The smell was awful, but I live with my father, so I can handle bad smells. So I let my face mask dry for fifteen minutes while I watched an episode of The Simpsons, which never dissapoints. The directions said to let it dry until you feel like your face is going to break in half. That should have been clue numero uno. They weren't kidding, either. It feels like your face is pavement that's about to crack. Then you peel it off. Now. I don't know if I put it on when it was too hot and it fused to my skin, or if it was actually supposed to be that painful. They didn't tell me not to put it too close to my hairline, and let's just say drunk me isn't very good at precision anyway, so it was actually in my hair in a few places. Holy. Shit. It felt like I had just waxed my whole face. So painful. I had also gotten it really close to my eyes where the really sensitive skin is, so that was tons of fun. However, my pores looked FANTASTIC after I did it, so I might do it again. Granted, I won't be drunk next time, and I won't put it within three inches of my forehead. I wonder if my hair is going to grow back...