More Whining
Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just say fuck my master's degree... I don't care if I'm one paper away from getting it, I just don't think it's for me. I've never been so firmly and violently repulsed by a task set before me. For a year I've struggled with myself, and done nothing towards finishing this goddamn paper, and all it is now is just a big fucking psychosis for me. Well, this evening I'm headed up to town hall to assumably finish it. Which is bad cuz I had to snatch the master key, and I'm not supposed to have it. I've stayed late before without any issues tho... i should be fine. Even if they send a cop up there, they'd recognize me. I could just ring in ahead of time. Or I could just try to work on it tomorrow after work, which means I go another day without handing it in. I hate it. I don't think I'd let any child of mine go right from high school to college without getting some serious work experience. If I have kids, I won't let them do what I did- which is to go to college right out of high school. Everyone says it's best to get it out of the way, but man it fucked me all up. I came out of grad school broke, unmotivated, and confused. I'll keep a college fund for my kid, but I'll advise them to hold off for at least 2 years while they get a taste for the work world. And again between undergrad and grad school, if applicable.
It's easy for people to just say "why don't you just do the paper?" But haven't you had something you just didn't want to do at all? Be it play sports, join the math team, or here's one- to put in the effort to get straight A's in school. Doing 28 push-ups, learning piano... all the great things we could have done but didn't. Well, this is one of those things where I sit down to do it, I work for 10 minutes, and I just jump right out of my seat and start pacing. Thinking about how I can't believe I was talked into working on this research topic that Dr Bifulco came up with. If it were as simple as just jamming myself with a needle or jumping off a 100 ft cliff, i coul djust close my eyes and "do it." 75 page papers aren't so simple.
Maybe I'll be a different person when this is over with. But there are people who've known me for a long time that never knew me without this thesis hanging over my head. 18 months now. It's a disgusting and suicide-worthy part of me. A part of me thinks it'll never be done. But grades close May 9th. I know I won't get an extension. And I don't think my conscience could take throwing this degree away. I hope I don't just cut it as close as I think I can... oh fuck it I already have. They might just be like, eh, if we get it graded before May 9th, we do, and if we don't, we don't. It's his stupid fault he waited till a year after the last minute.
I don't care. I have a BS in Natural Resource Management. I'd be happy working for the park service out west. Real happy. Who knows. I have to stop whining. I have to silence the rebellious screams in my head long enough to just focus on this paper, pretend I love it, and just have it be done. I want to start enjoying life again- SERIOUSLY! For a year I felt like I couldn't even read a good book, just because I SHOULD be doing my paper instead. So I'd just do neither. I'd chat online. Go visit somebody.
It's easy for people to just say "why don't you just do the paper?" But haven't you had something you just didn't want to do at all? Be it play sports, join the math team, or here's one- to put in the effort to get straight A's in school. Doing 28 push-ups, learning piano... all the great things we could have done but didn't. Well, this is one of those things where I sit down to do it, I work for 10 minutes, and I just jump right out of my seat and start pacing. Thinking about how I can't believe I was talked into working on this research topic that Dr Bifulco came up with. If it were as simple as just jamming myself with a needle or jumping off a 100 ft cliff, i coul djust close my eyes and "do it." 75 page papers aren't so simple.
Maybe I'll be a different person when this is over with. But there are people who've known me for a long time that never knew me without this thesis hanging over my head. 18 months now. It's a disgusting and suicide-worthy part of me. A part of me thinks it'll never be done. But grades close May 9th. I know I won't get an extension. And I don't think my conscience could take throwing this degree away. I hope I don't just cut it as close as I think I can... oh fuck it I already have. They might just be like, eh, if we get it graded before May 9th, we do, and if we don't, we don't. It's his stupid fault he waited till a year after the last minute.
I don't care. I have a BS in Natural Resource Management. I'd be happy working for the park service out west. Real happy. Who knows. I have to stop whining. I have to silence the rebellious screams in my head long enough to just focus on this paper, pretend I love it, and just have it be done. I want to start enjoying life again- SERIOUSLY! For a year I felt like I couldn't even read a good book, just because I SHOULD be doing my paper instead. So I'd just do neither. I'd chat online. Go visit somebody.