Sir Hilldo! BECAUSE I PROMISED
Penis Text Adventures, Part V
Rating: R for profanity and suggestive themes?
Characters: Sir Hilldo, Grace, Kitty Kitty, the pony horse, some cute fucking unicorns, some (actually) fucking orcs, a horny wizard, and a menacingly ugly pink fur coat.
Summary: In which our hero and heroine move forward with their quest, Kitty Kitty becomes even more useful, a wizard hits on Grace, and we almost get assassinated!
Notes: HAY JENNYCLARINET THIS NOTE IS FOR KURT: THERE ISN'T ANY PORN IN THIS. WE PROMISE.
I told you I'd get it up before the Super Bowl party. >.>
- - -
You have returned back to your abode above the tavern. Exhausted, you hastily store all of your newly found wealth, remove your armor and crawl into bed. Much to your surprise, Grace follows suit, and you watch as she removes her clothes and starts walking towards the bed with a look on her face you have seen many times before. You smile to yourself, and do a mental fistpump. "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo indeed," you mumble.
Unfortunately, this is the last conscious thought you have. The days events have left you hopelessly tired, and before you know it you are awoken by sunlight coming in through the window. You momentarily curse yourself, but things aren't all bad...you arm is around Grace, pulling her tight against you. You gently trace her body with your fingers, mainly to see if she is wearing any clothes. Your fingers are happy to report the answer is no. You contemplate all the different fun ways you could wake her up, but your thoughts are interrupted as she whispers something, and proceeds to kiss your chest. She looks up at you with sleepy eyes, and gives you a coy smile before kissing your chest again.
You return the smile just in time to feel something smack you in the face. You turn and are face to face with kitty, who meows a meow even you understand. Time to feed the cockblocking cat.
> See if the cat will let you ignore him for a while
You pet the kitty, and proceed to attempt to push him aside. The kitty is having none of it, it's claws inbedded into the blankets. It meows at you again, and while you are unsure of exactly what the cat is trying to get across, you figure it is something along the lines of "Seriously, feed me! Or I'm going to claw at your junk while you are on top of this girl." You curse the cat, but it's been an invaluable tool so far and you wouldn't want to ruin that.
> Say something smooth to Grace
> Get out of bed and look for something safe to feed kitty
"Sorry Sugar Tits," you start, realizing that you aren't very smooth when you've just woke up, "We'll have to do this another time when I don't have a cranky changeling waiting to be fed."
She doesn't answer immediately, but as you get out of bed you hear her quietly say, "If we accomplish my mission, this will be here anytime you want it." You freeze for a second, and think to yourself just how sweet that would be. Once again, kitty interrupts your thoughts by swiping at your leg. You walk over to your suit of armor, and pull out the remainder of the magical reagents to feed the kitty. You make a mental note that you'll be needing more if you are going to keep kitty happy.
The kitty purrs with satisfaction, and you turn your attention back to the bed. Grace, now fully clothed, is sitting there staring at you, and you can't help but feel like she is undressing you with her eyes.
And that's when you remember you're naked.
> Find clothes! Or put the armor back on if you're going to be adventuring today.
You go and put your armor on, shivering a little bit as it gets pretty cold. You contemplate actually wearing something underneath, but dismiss that idea as ridiculous.
"We should probably stock up on supplies, and then head out." Grace says. "It's going to be a lengthy journey, so we should get started as soon as possible."
> Pick up enough gold to buy some kick-ass supplies, and your new sweet sword
> Take Grace down to the Local Shoppe
You fill your pockets with more gold that you could ever possibly need, and strap the gold sword to your back. Even though it is huge, it's light enough for you to use with one hand. The very sight of it should discourage some foes from even coming near you, and the shininess of it should have the opposite effect on female admirers.
You grab the kitty and put him in your pocket, and head with Grace towards the local shoppe to get supplies. You walk inside, and are greeted with an overly cheerful "Hello my name is Insun Politi and welcome to my shoppe. What can I do for you?"
> Ask him where is the aisle with supplies for long and dangerous quests.
He says, "Aisle 11: Family Planning, Incontinence, and Quest Supplies"
> Head over there and start piling supplies in the cart
> Make sure to pick up some condoms just in case. Maybe something ribbed... for her pleasure
You head over to aisle 11, and begin throwing stuff into the cart. Plenty of food, minty gum, a larger shield, some better boots among other things you think may be important for your journey. You also decide that with the way things went this morning that you should also pick up some jimmy hats, but Grace has already beat you to them and throws some in the cart. You go "YES!" in your mind, but it's ruined by her throwing some tampons into the cart as well.
The kitty has poked its head out of the top of your armor as well, and is meowing at a shelf full of magical reagents. You fill the remaining space in the cart with these, and kitty gives you an "I love you" look and rubs its face on your chin.
This should be everything, you think. Unless you are forgetting something?
> Am I forgetting anything?
Well, no. Unless you wanted to buy another horse for Grace to ride seperate on? This would ruin horsey cuddle time though.
> Screw that, if she really wants a horse of her own I can catch one with my pelvic dance of awesome.
> Pay bill
You decide not to buy a horse, remembering how much fun it was to catch the one you currently have. Besides, one of the supplies you are buying is horse treats, so that should make it even easier to catch one.
You pay the bill, and head outside.
> Ask Grace where you are going, and just what this quest of hers entails, or how much she can tell you anyway
"So about this quest?" You say. "Where exactly are we going?"
"About a day North of the ogre's lair. There is a wizard there I need to see." She responds.
"And why are we going to see him?" It's at this point that she explains everything she can about her quest.
It was a year ago. Grace was living a happy princess life in a kingdom across the sea that you'd tried to visit once but weren't allowed in, but that's besides the point. Everything was going fine, until the kingdom suffered from a drought that put their food supplies dangerously low. It was at this point that Grace's father made a deal with an evil mage in order to save the kingdom. As you could probably already guess, things eventually turned pretty much to shit between the Mage and Grace's dad, and the Mage put a spell on her father that allowed him to control him. As a result, the mage could now rule the kingdom in an accordingly evil fashion. Grace, thinking that she could save the day, surprised the mage and managed to take his life. However, this left her father as a mindless zombie, living but still waiting for commands from a now dead mage. The mage's magical abilities were great, and no one in the kingdom was powerful enough to break the spell, that is, without a magical object, the wand, to fix it.
Grace retrieved the wand from the royal vault, and proceeded to use it on her father, but she could not get it to work. She was told of a wizard across the sea that would be able to teach her how to properly use the wand. To save her father, she journeyed across the sea with a small group of royal guards. Midway through her journey, she was ambushed by the ogre and taken prisoner, but now that he is gone, her journey is back on track. Of course you are to thank for the last part.
"Are you satisfied with this explanation?" She says.
> Yes, because zombie stories rock, although saying that to her when her dad is a zombie-like thing would probably be rude.
> Ask how far the wizard is, and whether you're going to have to fight him too
You resist being a complete and total cock and mentioning how much you love zombie stories. You've gotten pretty close to scoring, this would be an excellent way to ruin things.
"The wizard is about 2 days from here, that is if he's even there." Her voice waivers. "You have to understand, a mystic wizard living across the sea is like a fairy tale you would tell to a child. Whether or not this story is true, well, it's my only hope so I have to believe it is. As far as I know, we shouldn't have to fight him. If we do, I am confident we can defeat him together. I've seen just how great a knight you can be."
> Try not to blush or do anything stupid, and give Grace a comforting hug
> Tell her that you'll find somebody that can help her with the wand no matter what
> Get on the horse before you get super embarassed
You try your best not to blush, but despite your efforts you manage to turn a nice shade of red. For once you can't blame it on the booze either. You embrace Grace, and whisper in her ear "Even if he can't help us, we'll find someone else who can."
You turn away from her and hop on your horse, gesturing for her to follow. She gets on, and wraps her arms around you. "I feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as we're together," she says, confidently.
You wish you could say the same, but a certain woman who you made a promise to bring shiny things is walking towards you...crossbow in hand. You hear her shouting in the distance, "You better have some treasure for me or else this next bolt will be the end of you." Now would be a really good time to start your quest, you think to yourself.
> Toss a couple gold pieces at the wench
> Take off on your pony
You throw a handful of gold pieces in the wench's direction. You see her expression change, and she lowers her crossbow. You get the impression that she really didn't think she'd ever get anything from you, and even this small offering is better than the nothing she expected. She yells, "Oh thank you Sir Hilldo. Please come calling next time you return to town."
It's at this point that Grace smacks the horse's ass, and you are on your way out of town. "Old Girlfriend?" Grace says.
"What. You jealous?" You respond to no answer.
After this, you ride in silence for a bit, stopping at the clearing where you found your horse originally as you need to take a leak. You go hide behind a tree and begin to pee, and its from here you notice a rather large group of Orcs gathered about a 1/4 of a mile off. With them is an ogre, wearing a bright pink fur coat with a matching hat. You get the impression that you might witnessing a funeral. You also get the impression that pink fur coats should not be worn be anyone.
> Put away your peestick and point the funeral out to Grace
You finish watering the plants and go get Grace. You point out the funeral, mainly because the number of monsters is way more than the two of you could handle even if they are just crappy orcs.
"I don't think this many monsters would come out into a clearing without leaving a few to keep watch somewhere," Grace says. "I hope we haven't been noticed already and...wait...is that a pink fur coat?"
"My thoughts exactly." You respond. "I hope those orcs are color blind so they can't tell just how horrific that ogre looks."
Grace laughs, even though you know you weren't that funny. "We need to get out of here before that coat...I mean...the orcs kill us."
> Continue on your way, leaving lots of room between you and the pink monstrosity
> keep your sword handy just in case
You both quickly mount the horse, and start to ride off as fast as you can. Once you think you are clear, you hear an orc yell from a tree: "There goes Sir Hilldo, over there!" There goes not being noticed, although with a horse they shouldn't be able to catch you.
You hear a booming voice go, "Whoever catches him and brings him to me gets the remainder of my treasure."
You swear to yourself. Even though you don't believe that you'll be caught, you really wanted the rest of that treasure. You didn't know the ogre had a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or whatever the hell that pink thing was. You continue through the ogre's lands and make your way to a river. After surveying the river for a bit, you don't see a bridge anywhere. You'll have to figure out some way to cross it.
> Dismount from pony and lead him into the water a little to see whether he can swim
You dismount from your horse and attempt to lead him into the water. The water isn't very deep and the horse doesn't seem to mind being in it. Actually, once you reach the other side you have to pull quite hard to get the horse out of the river. Seems like you've been riding him pretty hard today and this is his equivalent of relaxing. You may want to stop travelling for a bit.
> Let the pony play in the water for a little while
> Kick back and take a break yourself
You watch as the horse plays in the water, splashing about and just having a great horsey time. The kitty also decides to jump out of your armor and do something very un-kittylike and join the horse in the water. You watch as an absolutely retarded display of animal cuteness occurs in front of you, and barely notice that Grace has sat down with you, leaning against a comfy tree.
> (SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!)
> Offer Grace a snack, test her out and see if you can possibly get your mack on yet
You go "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" in your mind, not daring to actually do it out loud as it would make you look like much less of a man.
You reach into one of your pocket and find a pack of cookies. You offer Grace one, and in the process put your arm around her. She takes a cookie and leans into your arm. So far so good. You continue to watch the animals play, at one point sneaking a kiss. Before you know it Grace has gotten on top of you and has started making out with you. "Yes!" you think again, but at that moment you hear something hit the tree with a thud. The kitty and horse also stop playing, as you realize Grace's aggressive making out has saved you from being hit with an arrow.
It's at this point that you decide the whole world is pretty much doing its best to stop you from ever scoring again.
> Swear loudly and grab your sword and shield as fast as you fucking can, and figure out where the arrows are coming from!
You yell "Mother Bitches!" at the top of your lungs as you grab your sword and shield, and head for cover behind the tree. Fortunately for you, your horse and kitty are smart enough to follow you and take cover as well. The tree really isn't that big, so the 4 of you are in a giant cuddle pile just so you can fit. You think to yourself, this kind of thing will probably be funny looking back on it.
"The arrow must have come from back across the river." Grace says. "Based on the angle of the arrow in the tree, as well as the depth of penetration, I'd say your shooter is probably about 40 feet away and 20 feet above us, most likely hiding in a tree." You look at her funny, ignoring the mention of penetration.
"What!" She says. "I took a forensics class at the school for princesses."
> Wonder aloud whether you should make a run for it, or if you should try to go on the offensive.
You start talking to yourself. "I wonder if we should just make a run for it, or try to go after this guy."
"Girl." Grace corrects you. "I can see her, up in that tree over there." She says while pointing.
You peek around the tree and see a green clad female elf hiding up in the tree, looking nervous now that she knows she's been spotted. "I don't have projectile weapons short of the kitty -" the cat paws at you and you pat its head - "and I don't think I can throw him that far. I don't think we can get away without giving that elf one more shot at us."
Grace sighs. "Well, let me take care of this then." You watch as she mumbles something to herself, jumps out from behind the tree and proceeds to launch a fireball right at the elf, striking her dead on. The elf falls out of the tree, bouncing off a few branches on the way down.
"You take a combat magic class at the school for princesses too, huh?" you say.
"Being a princess gives you a lot of free time to learn whatever you wish," she says back, smugly.
> Molest Magic Casting Sara Sidle!
Unrecognized command
> Dammit!
> Check to make sure elf is unconscious/dead, then go investigate elf body
The elf is still smoldering, and isn't moving. Either it's playing dead really well, or it's completely fried. You cross the river to go take a look at the dead elf. As far as elves go, this one looks like she was pretty cute, at least she was before she was cooked. You wait a second for the elf to cool off a little bit more, and then go through her pockets. The only item of interest is buried deep in one of her pockets...a small piece of unburnt parchment. It has some writing on it, would you like to read it?
> Read the parchment
The parchment reads:
Wait for them by the river. They both will have a good deal of money on them, so you can keep whatever you find on their bodies.
They must be stopped, our livelyhood depends on it.
It is unsigned, but dated 2 days ago. You had no idea that you were even going to be by this river until you got here. How could someone have known you would be coming? A sense of dread comes over you, nightfall will be upon you in a few hours. Looks like you won't be sleeping much tonight.
> Look around for a possible cave, convenient grove of trees, somewhere safe that you could get to before nightfall
The area you are currently in provides about as much cover as the forest provides. Problem is, if you are dealing with elves, they know the forest much better than you do. Fortunately, you do know that if you force them into close quaters combat that they will be no match for you, so cover in a small cave would probably be the best way to go. This would also lead to lots of close contact with a potentially scared Grace, which you believe is not a bad thing.
You pull out a map that you bought earlier, and see that a cave is basically on the same route you are already going just a few miles forward. You realize that if it is big enough to make the map, it probably isn't going to be ideal. You could head towards this cave in hopes of finding a better hiding spot, or construct some makeshift cover here in the forest. You do also have some camping gear that you purchased earlier as well if all us fails.
> Head towards the cave to at least check it out
You head back over to Grace and the animals, put kitty in your pocket and mount the horse. Grace asks you what you found on the Elf to which you answer "Nothing good;" you feel no need to make her worry for the time being. She gets on the horse, and you head off towards the cave encountering nothing but small forest creatures on the way.
As you reach the cave, the sun is getting low on the horizon. The cave has a very large entrance, and you can see the flickering of light on the cave walls inside. Two shadows appear on the wall, and while you can't tell exactly what they are doing, it's pretty obvious one is sitting on the other one. It looks like something naughty is going on in there.
> Quietly get off the pony and go peep at the free show!
You dismount your horse and start to walk into the cave, Grace right behind you. As you get closer, you begin to hear noises...you don't necessarily recognize them but it doesn't sound human, they are lower pitched, more gravely. You get to the point in the cave where the noises are coming from just around a corner, and from here the shadows on the wall appear quite large. You aren't sure if you should look, the grunting you are now hearing is somewhat nauseating, especially when accompanied by an even more questionable squishing sound.
You look back at Grace. She is trying to hold back laughter. "Sorry," she says, "It sounds so gross that it's funny."
Do you want to look around the corner?
> I'm really not sure.
Well, I'm sure that's not an answer. Try again.
> Better make sure it's not something dangerous. Brace self and take a peek
You mentally prepare yourself for what you are about to see, and peek your head around the corner. Oh damnit, you think to yourself, it's a couple of trolls getting busy. You vomit a little in your mouth, it's not a pretty sight. It's at this point when a grunting mouth open male troll on top of his mate looks up and makes eye contact with you. Needless to say, he isn't happy to see you there. You grab Grace by the hand and run out of the cave, quickly mounting your horse and getting the hell out of there.
By the time you stop galloping through the woods, the sun is coming up and you are coming to the end of the forest. "How could we have ran in fear all night and yet I'm not tired at all, and neither is the horse?" You look back at Grace and she smiles. "Another spell?"
"Well, now that you know I can cast, why hold back right?" She looks around. "Up ahead, the Wizard's lair," she says, pointing. You heart sinks when you see it is a tower on top of a giant hill, the only entrance being a cave at the bottom.
> Ask whether she can fly us to the top, or if we're going to have to walk
You ask hopefully, "Please say you have a spell that can fly us to the top."
She frowns. "I do...but...it would only work on one of us. Who knows what's up there. I need you to protect me, I am defenseless." She gives you a helpless look, but even she can't help but smile and laugh a little bit.
"Damnit." You say. It's at this point that you hear the kitty meowing at you from your pocket.
> lift out Kitty Kitty and ask if he'd like to help you out in a cute kitty voice
You pull out the kitty and ask "Oh kitty kitty how would you like to help us out you darling little pookie snookums you?" in your ridiculously high pitched talking to kitty voice. Once again you hear snickering come from behind you but this time you don't bother to look.
The kitty meows loudly, confirming its desire to want to help you.
> Think really hard of some totally awesome flying thing, like a huge bad-ass dragon!
You try to think of things that can fly. Butterfly...too small. Bird...too small. Penguin...can't really fly. Winged horse...kinda gay, before you settle on the idea of a dragon. You set kitty down and move away from him before you start thinking of the biggest looking dragon you can. You hear a pop and when you look up you are face to face with a giant dragon. The dragon looks pissed, and you start to get a little worried about becoming dragon food as he moves closer to you. The dragon lays its head on the ground putting the two of you at eye level, opens its mouth, and lets out a grunt while gesturing with its head to get on.
You give the dragon a pat on the head, and breathe a sigh of relief. "Kitty, what did I ever do before I found you," you say.
> Help Grace onto the Kitty Dragon, climb on yourself, and take off to the top!
You help Grace onto the Dragon, and climb on yourself. As you are ready to take off, you notice your horse looking at you unaware that you are about to abandon him. Dragon's don't exactly have a place for a horse to ride on, so looks like horsey is on his own.
Are you sure you want to leave your horse?
> He waited for me last time, didn't he?
> Toss him a pony treat for reassurance
You remind yourself that your horse has waited for you on mulitple occasions, including last time. He should be fine this time assuming he doesn't get ate by a troll or worse. You toss him a horse treat which he catches in his mouth. He is a happy horse for the time being, frolicking about and eating grass. You cross your fingers and hope he'll be there when you return.
You yell "Go Dragon Kitty Go!" and the dragon takes off towards the top of the hill. As you fly peacefully through the air, your eyes meet with Grace's, and you share a quick kiss. You wonder why you never thought of using kitty as a mode of transportation before. This thought doesn't last long, as you have a great aerial view of all the creatures that have now noticed you are in the area...travel by dragon is hardly covert. You return your thoughts to that of dragons just in case...wouldn't want kitty to transform here. Fortunately, you reach the top of the hill without incident.
"All that's left to do is go inside." Grace says, looking at the tower. "Let's hope the wizard is here, and not something evil instead."
You scowl at her. "You better not have just jinxed us."
> Continue thinking of dragons in case there is evil in the tower
> Look for ways to get into the tower, like a front door you might be able to knock on
You continue thinking of dragons believing that it may scare some enemies away. Unfortunately, your dragon has spotted a butterfly and is prancing happily after it. You aren't sure if this makes the dragon any more or less scary, but you are sure the loud noise of a dragon prancing ruins any chance of surprise.
There is a very large metal door directly in front of you. Before you get a chance to see if it is locked or not, prancing dragon cat gets a little too close to it and knocks it off its hinges with it's tail. Guess kitty knocked for you. Nothing appears to be looking out from inside, so either they are cowering in fear or are somewhere else in the tower. Either way, you now have an unimpeded path in.
> Enter the tower first, like a manly man
You make the decision that you are going in first. With your big ass gold sword in your right hand, and your shield in your left, you walk towards the door bending your arms for maximum muscleage. Your muscle display is largely wasted as you are wearing armor and muscles obviously aren't going to show, but at least it makes you feel more like a man. You enter the tower, ready for a fight but to your disappointment no one is in the first room. You are relieved, as you didn't actually want to have to get your shiny new sword dirty. Grace enters behind you, and you see your dragon kitty looking in through the door frame, obviously unable to make an entrance without using some force.
> Look around
The room is small, and mostly empty, with only a few torches hanging from the walls, unlit and covered in spider webs. Enough light is coming in from slits in the tower walls that they are unnecessary anyway. A dusty old trunk sits straight ahead, next to the only other door in the room. Even the stone floor is covered in dust, giving the impression that no one has been in this room for a good long while. There are some decorative suits of armor holding weapons next to the door you just came in from, but unlike the rest of the room they appear to be completely clean and shiny.
> check armor, being very careful
You go and inspect the armor by poking it with your sword to keep a good distance away. You are not entirely surprised when the armor springs to life and attempts to swing at you with it's weapon. A quick swipe with your gold sword dispenses one suit of armor, and then the other, leaving nothing but armor pieces scattered in the dust.
"I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this sort of thing." Grace says. "If a Wizard really does live here, anything could be enchanted."
> Should probably get the kitty back
You think of kitties. Kitty changes back to normal, runs in the door, and proceeds to crawl his way back into your armor and his normal pocket.
> Check out the chest, being even more careful.
You poke at the chest with your sword, and nothing happens. Just to make sure it's not alive, you give it a good stab which makes a nice thunk sound. Looks like this chest is normal.
> Open the chest!
You open the chest. It is full of manuscripts, which you proceed to look through. You see titles like better homes and towers, spellbook, wizard illustrated, waxim, wizard's health, tiger beat...at which point you stop looking at the titles. Obviously these aren't going to be of any use to you, but at least they give the impression that a wizard lived here at some point. You continue to search the chest for something that could actually be helpful, but come up empty.
> Head over to the other door and listen, to see whether it is safe to open
You walk over to the door and press your ear against it. There is no noise coming from the other side, so if there is danger, at least it is quiet danger.
> Open the door!
You open the door. It leads to a dark hallway with a number of shadowy objects on the wall. Upon getting a little closer, you realize they are animal heads mounted to the wall. Of course all the animals look pissed off, but at least it's only their heads. Apparently who lives here is also a hunter. The only exit is a door at the far end.
> Cover kitty's eyes and walk down the hallway
You stick one hand into your suit of armor to cover the kitty's eyes, and walk down the center of the hallway just in case any of the heads have been enchanted. A wolf head attempts to bite you, but can't reach you with being mounted to the wall and all. You smack it with your shield, and it lets out a yipe. Other than this, you reach the door at the end of the hall without incident.
> Knock on the door
You knock on the door. No one answers, but you do hear the sound of animal hooves coming from the next room. Sounds like a pony is prancing around in there, you think to yourself.
> open the door a crack and peek in
You open the door a crack to peek into the room without making a sound. All you can see within the room is a staircase leading up on the right, a bookshelf next to it as well as a single high backed chair with a small table. The floor is polished marble, and everything appears to be immaculately clean. The source of the noise is very obviously on the left side of the room, and you can also hear the sound of wood cracking in a fireplace but you can see neither without opening the door further.
> call and ask if there is anyone in the room. Avoid using the phrase "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo" in case it is an ogre who wants just that very thing.
You call into the room, "Hey...anyone in there? Helloooooo? Sir Hilldo here to see a wizard!"
No one answers. But the noise of hoof on marble is moving closer to the door.
> Get sword ready - just in case! - and open the door the whole way
You equip your sword, and push the door open. You can now see what was making the noise.
"Is that...?" Grace starts out.
"Yes..." You say, finishing her thought. "It's a fucking baby unicorn." The unicorn is just standing there looking at you, doing a little dance with its front two paws.
"It's so cute!" Grace says. You turn towards her to say something, and watch as her mouth drops. You quickly turn back around to see that the unicorn has launched itself at you at is about to hit you in the face with its horn.
> Dodge!!
You dodge the in-flight unicorn, and watch as it goes flying past you into the hall getting its horn caught in the mouth of one of the animal heads on the wall. It is now stuck in mid-air, flailing all it's limbs and making sad little unicorn noises.
> Approach it slowly, maybe talking in the calming kitty voice
You slowly walk towards the unicorn, a smirk on your face. "Hello sad little baby unicorn." You say in your high pitched talking to animals voice. "What's the matter, did the wittle baby get his horn stuck in a mouf. Did you? Diiiiid you?"
Grace smacks you on the arm. "Don't taunt it! That's not very nice." You give her a dirty look, and she continues talking. "I mean listen to how sad he is!" She switches to her talking to animals voice. "Who's a sad little unicorn! Yes you are! Yes you are!" You join her and this continues for a few minutes, until you both realize it's not really that funny anymore, at which point you both make crying unicorn noises.
You are now standing behind the stuck in mid-air unicorn, and it's crying even louder now than before.
> FIIIIIIIINE pull it out... carefully
You reach for the unicorn and Grace grabs your arm. "Wait!" She says, "Are you sure you want to free something that's probably just going to attack us again?"
Well, are you?
> Have guilt trip
You waiver back and forth between freeing the unicorn and leaving him stuck, and as he continues to wail as a baby animal is prone to do, you eventually give in and feel that you should free him. As you grab him, he stops making noise, and you proceed to free him from his mid-air suspension. You are holding him in your arms, when you hear a male sounding voice behind you say: "What are you doing with my baby!"
> Do not drop unicorn out of surprise
The voice surprises you, and you almost drop the unicorn. Your reflexes are quick though, and you continue to hold the baby without even making it start its ear piercing whining. You still haven't turned to face the voice which calls out to you, "Well! Are you going to explain yourself?"
> Turn around very non-threateningly to see what it is
> Pray it's nothing horrible
You turn slowly to face the voice, eyes closed, saying a quick prayer that it's not something big and scary. You open your eyes to see another unicorn, full grown, looking down at its baby, and then up at you. As far as you can tell, it looks mad.
You figure now would be a good time to explain yourself, "I...uh...umm...*cough*..."
Before you are actually able to form a coherant sentence, a tiny voice from in your arms starts speaking. "I'm sorry mom! It's all my fault!" The baby unicorn squeaks. You are so startled by the voice that you drop him. The baby lands on its feet and starts walking towards it's mom.
"Did you launch yourself at him!" The mother unicorn shouts.
"Yes mommy."
"Fidel! You should know better than that. That's the 5th time this week!" The mom lifts her front hoof and gives Fidel a light rap to the back of the head. She then looks up at you. "At least this one was quick enough to get out of the way, unlike the others...rest their souls." You cringe. "I'm truly sorry, sir and madame, for the behavior of my child."
"Well, boys will be boys." Grace chimes in.
The mother unicorn laughs. "They certainly will. Do you have any children?" You eagerly await the answer. Please say no...please say no! You think to yourself.
"No." Grace answers. "But maybe someday." She says, putting her hand on your shoulder. Typically a woman saying this sort of thing would send you running out the door. Perhaps the shock that this conversation is occurring with a unicorn has lowered my desire to run, you think to yourself. That's got to be it!
The mother unicorn's mood seems to have improved. "Oh, I see." She says. "Nothing like young love..." She sighs. "Anyway, what brings the two of you here?"
> Step back and let Grace control the conversation... she can decide how much she wants to tell Ma Shiny over there
You figure that Grace and the unicorn already seem to have an understanding, and it would be best if you just stay out of the way. Grace tells a short version of the story and what happened to her kingdom, ending it with how she needs to see the wizard. You are surprised that upon mention of the wizard, the previously cordial unicorn looks around nervously and says, "Oh dear. I'm afraid there is no wizard here anymore."
Being an expert liar yourself, you know what bullshit sounds like. After all, that used to be half of what came out of your mouth, unless you were around a woman you were trying to bang, at which point it was more like 98%. You'd like to think you are more honest now though, the whole respectable knight gig and all. While you are debating all this in your mind, you notice a shadow in the staircase on the right slowly moving back up the stairs, and not so coincidentally it's got the shape of a stereotypical wizard, gay pointy hat and all. You mutter to yourself, "Bullshit!", and apparently you need to work on how loud you mutter as mama unicorn, Fidel, and Grace are all looking at you now.
> Dive at the wizard and try to grab him!
You dive towards the staircase in hopes of catching what you think to be a wizard. After you realize that trying to dive up a staircase only yields a face full of stairs, you start to run after him. Wizards aren't world renowned for their natural speed and agility, and this Wizard is no exception. You catch up to him before he makes it to the top of the stairs, and proceed to grab him, yelling "Gotcha bitch!" for added effect.
"Wow, you managed to catch me." The wizard says sarcastically. "Quite a feat for the all of a sudden competent Sir Hilldo. Now let go of me before I have to ruin your day."
> Drag him downstairs to face Grace
Despite the wizards ominous sounding threats, you decide to drag him down the stairs. On the way down he keeps trying to cast a spell, but every time he is close to finishing it, he hits his bony wizard ass on the next step down, letting out a pathetic sounding grunt and ruining the spell. Once you get to the bottom of the stairs, you slide the wizard across the marble floor towards Grace. He comes to a stop right at her feet. You put a hand up in the air and take a bow for your effort.
As the wizard lays on the floor, he looks up at Grace and while pointing at you says, "He with you?"
"Yup." She replies, smiling.
"I was going to turn him into a duck, but I didn't realize he was here with you. I guess I'll call us even for my hiding and spare him." The wizard pauses and gets to his feet. "So you are here about the wand right?"
"Yes, oh great wizard." Grace says, pulling out the wand...but clumsily dropping it behind her. "Oops!" She exclaims in a ditzy female voice that's new to you, and proceeds to bend over and pick up the wand. This gives both the wizard and yourself a great view of her ass. You notice even the unicorns checking it out and you swear Fidel mouthed "DAMN!", which mildly disturbs you but reinforces the fact that she's got a really nice ass. She picks up the wand and turns around just as the wizard finishes adjusting his now tighter robe.
Grace tilts her head a bit to the side and continues with the ditz voice saying "Can you show me how to use this thing so I can save my daddy," stroking the wand suggestively. She sure knows how to get what she wants out of men, you think to yourself, and this time is no exception. The wizard tells her everything about the wand, even being nice enough to write instructions down for her just in case she forgets. You don't really pay that much attention to the whole thing as its just a bunch of wizard mumbo jumbo anyway. You see him give the instructions to her, and proceed to start hitting on her, asking if she's ever seen a man's magic wand. You ignore this for a bit just to watch her squirm, but she keeps shooting you angry looks, so it must be time to go.
> Give the unicorn a good-bye pat on the head
> Make appropriate good bye noises
> GTFO
You give Fidel a pat on the head, which seemingly pleases him, and he rubs on your leg like a cat. You then proceed to say "Goodbye!" in about 8 different funny sounding voices. The unicorns say goodbye and return to doing whatever the fuck unicorns do, but the wizard isn't so eager for you to leave. It takes a little bit of effort to un-latch him from Grace. As you pull her away he tries to entice her to come back by saying various creepy old wizard things.
As you reach the end of the animal head hallway, Grace turns back to look at the wizard at the end of the hall and yells, "I'll call you!" You give her a dirty look since she stole your line, but you can always make her pay for it later. Together you exit the tower.
"Where to, now?" You ask, smiling. The thought of how well things are going enters your mind, and this time, you actually revel in your own glory for a moment. Of course, this doesn't last.
She doesn't answer, a look of terror now on her face. You turn to see what she was looking at, only to be greeted by a blunt object to your face. Your head snaps back from the force of the blow, and you begin to lose consciousness. The last thing you remember is Grace screaming "Please, no!", and one lone detail about your attacker: It was wearing a pink fur coat.
It's funny; we write these things and I'm thinking, man, this one isn't any good... and then I read it over and I seriously can't stop laughing.
Rating: R for profanity and suggestive themes?
Characters: Sir Hilldo, Grace, Kitty Kitty, the pony horse, some cute fucking unicorns, some (actually) fucking orcs, a horny wizard, and a menacingly ugly pink fur coat.
Summary: In which our hero and heroine move forward with their quest, Kitty Kitty becomes even more useful, a wizard hits on Grace, and we almost get assassinated!
Notes: HAY JENNYCLARINET THIS NOTE IS FOR KURT: THERE ISN'T ANY PORN IN THIS. WE PROMISE.
I told you I'd get it up before the Super Bowl party. >.>
- - -
You have returned back to your abode above the tavern. Exhausted, you hastily store all of your newly found wealth, remove your armor and crawl into bed. Much to your surprise, Grace follows suit, and you watch as she removes her clothes and starts walking towards the bed with a look on her face you have seen many times before. You smile to yourself, and do a mental fistpump. "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo indeed," you mumble.
Unfortunately, this is the last conscious thought you have. The days events have left you hopelessly tired, and before you know it you are awoken by sunlight coming in through the window. You momentarily curse yourself, but things aren't all bad...you arm is around Grace, pulling her tight against you. You gently trace her body with your fingers, mainly to see if she is wearing any clothes. Your fingers are happy to report the answer is no. You contemplate all the different fun ways you could wake her up, but your thoughts are interrupted as she whispers something, and proceeds to kiss your chest. She looks up at you with sleepy eyes, and gives you a coy smile before kissing your chest again.
You return the smile just in time to feel something smack you in the face. You turn and are face to face with kitty, who meows a meow even you understand. Time to feed the cockblocking cat.
> See if the cat will let you ignore him for a while
You pet the kitty, and proceed to attempt to push him aside. The kitty is having none of it, it's claws inbedded into the blankets. It meows at you again, and while you are unsure of exactly what the cat is trying to get across, you figure it is something along the lines of "Seriously, feed me! Or I'm going to claw at your junk while you are on top of this girl." You curse the cat, but it's been an invaluable tool so far and you wouldn't want to ruin that.
> Say something smooth to Grace
> Get out of bed and look for something safe to feed kitty
"Sorry Sugar Tits," you start, realizing that you aren't very smooth when you've just woke up, "We'll have to do this another time when I don't have a cranky changeling waiting to be fed."
She doesn't answer immediately, but as you get out of bed you hear her quietly say, "If we accomplish my mission, this will be here anytime you want it." You freeze for a second, and think to yourself just how sweet that would be. Once again, kitty interrupts your thoughts by swiping at your leg. You walk over to your suit of armor, and pull out the remainder of the magical reagents to feed the kitty. You make a mental note that you'll be needing more if you are going to keep kitty happy.
The kitty purrs with satisfaction, and you turn your attention back to the bed. Grace, now fully clothed, is sitting there staring at you, and you can't help but feel like she is undressing you with her eyes.
And that's when you remember you're naked.
> Find clothes! Or put the armor back on if you're going to be adventuring today.
You go and put your armor on, shivering a little bit as it gets pretty cold. You contemplate actually wearing something underneath, but dismiss that idea as ridiculous.
"We should probably stock up on supplies, and then head out." Grace says. "It's going to be a lengthy journey, so we should get started as soon as possible."
> Pick up enough gold to buy some kick-ass supplies, and your new sweet sword
> Take Grace down to the Local Shoppe
You fill your pockets with more gold that you could ever possibly need, and strap the gold sword to your back. Even though it is huge, it's light enough for you to use with one hand. The very sight of it should discourage some foes from even coming near you, and the shininess of it should have the opposite effect on female admirers.
You grab the kitty and put him in your pocket, and head with Grace towards the local shoppe to get supplies. You walk inside, and are greeted with an overly cheerful "Hello my name is Insun Politi and welcome to my shoppe. What can I do for you?"
> Ask him where is the aisle with supplies for long and dangerous quests.
He says, "Aisle 11: Family Planning, Incontinence, and Quest Supplies"
> Head over there and start piling supplies in the cart
> Make sure to pick up some condoms just in case. Maybe something ribbed... for her pleasure
You head over to aisle 11, and begin throwing stuff into the cart. Plenty of food, minty gum, a larger shield, some better boots among other things you think may be important for your journey. You also decide that with the way things went this morning that you should also pick up some jimmy hats, but Grace has already beat you to them and throws some in the cart. You go "YES!" in your mind, but it's ruined by her throwing some tampons into the cart as well.
The kitty has poked its head out of the top of your armor as well, and is meowing at a shelf full of magical reagents. You fill the remaining space in the cart with these, and kitty gives you an "I love you" look and rubs its face on your chin.
This should be everything, you think. Unless you are forgetting something?
> Am I forgetting anything?
Well, no. Unless you wanted to buy another horse for Grace to ride seperate on? This would ruin horsey cuddle time though.
> Screw that, if she really wants a horse of her own I can catch one with my pelvic dance of awesome.
> Pay bill
You decide not to buy a horse, remembering how much fun it was to catch the one you currently have. Besides, one of the supplies you are buying is horse treats, so that should make it even easier to catch one.
You pay the bill, and head outside.
> Ask Grace where you are going, and just what this quest of hers entails, or how much she can tell you anyway
"So about this quest?" You say. "Where exactly are we going?"
"About a day North of the ogre's lair. There is a wizard there I need to see." She responds.
"And why are we going to see him?" It's at this point that she explains everything she can about her quest.
It was a year ago. Grace was living a happy princess life in a kingdom across the sea that you'd tried to visit once but weren't allowed in, but that's besides the point. Everything was going fine, until the kingdom suffered from a drought that put their food supplies dangerously low. It was at this point that Grace's father made a deal with an evil mage in order to save the kingdom. As you could probably already guess, things eventually turned pretty much to shit between the Mage and Grace's dad, and the Mage put a spell on her father that allowed him to control him. As a result, the mage could now rule the kingdom in an accordingly evil fashion. Grace, thinking that she could save the day, surprised the mage and managed to take his life. However, this left her father as a mindless zombie, living but still waiting for commands from a now dead mage. The mage's magical abilities were great, and no one in the kingdom was powerful enough to break the spell, that is, without a magical object, the wand, to fix it.
Grace retrieved the wand from the royal vault, and proceeded to use it on her father, but she could not get it to work. She was told of a wizard across the sea that would be able to teach her how to properly use the wand. To save her father, she journeyed across the sea with a small group of royal guards. Midway through her journey, she was ambushed by the ogre and taken prisoner, but now that he is gone, her journey is back on track. Of course you are to thank for the last part.
"Are you satisfied with this explanation?" She says.
> Yes, because zombie stories rock, although saying that to her when her dad is a zombie-like thing would probably be rude.
> Ask how far the wizard is, and whether you're going to have to fight him too
You resist being a complete and total cock and mentioning how much you love zombie stories. You've gotten pretty close to scoring, this would be an excellent way to ruin things.
"The wizard is about 2 days from here, that is if he's even there." Her voice waivers. "You have to understand, a mystic wizard living across the sea is like a fairy tale you would tell to a child. Whether or not this story is true, well, it's my only hope so I have to believe it is. As far as I know, we shouldn't have to fight him. If we do, I am confident we can defeat him together. I've seen just how great a knight you can be."
> Try not to blush or do anything stupid, and give Grace a comforting hug
> Tell her that you'll find somebody that can help her with the wand no matter what
> Get on the horse before you get super embarassed
You try your best not to blush, but despite your efforts you manage to turn a nice shade of red. For once you can't blame it on the booze either. You embrace Grace, and whisper in her ear "Even if he can't help us, we'll find someone else who can."
You turn away from her and hop on your horse, gesturing for her to follow. She gets on, and wraps her arms around you. "I feel like nothing bad can happen to me as long as we're together," she says, confidently.
You wish you could say the same, but a certain woman who you made a promise to bring shiny things is walking towards you...crossbow in hand. You hear her shouting in the distance, "You better have some treasure for me or else this next bolt will be the end of you." Now would be a really good time to start your quest, you think to yourself.
> Toss a couple gold pieces at the wench
> Take off on your pony
You throw a handful of gold pieces in the wench's direction. You see her expression change, and she lowers her crossbow. You get the impression that she really didn't think she'd ever get anything from you, and even this small offering is better than the nothing she expected. She yells, "Oh thank you Sir Hilldo. Please come calling next time you return to town."
It's at this point that Grace smacks the horse's ass, and you are on your way out of town. "Old Girlfriend?" Grace says.
"What. You jealous?" You respond to no answer.
After this, you ride in silence for a bit, stopping at the clearing where you found your horse originally as you need to take a leak. You go hide behind a tree and begin to pee, and its from here you notice a rather large group of Orcs gathered about a 1/4 of a mile off. With them is an ogre, wearing a bright pink fur coat with a matching hat. You get the impression that you might witnessing a funeral. You also get the impression that pink fur coats should not be worn be anyone.
> Put away your peestick and point the funeral out to Grace
You finish watering the plants and go get Grace. You point out the funeral, mainly because the number of monsters is way more than the two of you could handle even if they are just crappy orcs.
"I don't think this many monsters would come out into a clearing without leaving a few to keep watch somewhere," Grace says. "I hope we haven't been noticed already and...wait...is that a pink fur coat?"
"My thoughts exactly." You respond. "I hope those orcs are color blind so they can't tell just how horrific that ogre looks."
Grace laughs, even though you know you weren't that funny. "We need to get out of here before that coat...I mean...the orcs kill us."
> Continue on your way, leaving lots of room between you and the pink monstrosity
> keep your sword handy just in case
You both quickly mount the horse, and start to ride off as fast as you can. Once you think you are clear, you hear an orc yell from a tree: "There goes Sir Hilldo, over there!" There goes not being noticed, although with a horse they shouldn't be able to catch you.
You hear a booming voice go, "Whoever catches him and brings him to me gets the remainder of my treasure."
You swear to yourself. Even though you don't believe that you'll be caught, you really wanted the rest of that treasure. You didn't know the ogre had a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or whatever the hell that pink thing was. You continue through the ogre's lands and make your way to a river. After surveying the river for a bit, you don't see a bridge anywhere. You'll have to figure out some way to cross it.
> Dismount from pony and lead him into the water a little to see whether he can swim
You dismount from your horse and attempt to lead him into the water. The water isn't very deep and the horse doesn't seem to mind being in it. Actually, once you reach the other side you have to pull quite hard to get the horse out of the river. Seems like you've been riding him pretty hard today and this is his equivalent of relaxing. You may want to stop travelling for a bit.
> Let the pony play in the water for a little while
> Kick back and take a break yourself
You watch as the horse plays in the water, splashing about and just having a great horsey time. The kitty also decides to jump out of your armor and do something very un-kittylike and join the horse in the water. You watch as an absolutely retarded display of animal cuteness occurs in front of you, and barely notice that Grace has sat down with you, leaning against a comfy tree.
> (SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!)
> Offer Grace a snack, test her out and see if you can possibly get your mack on yet
You go "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" in your mind, not daring to actually do it out loud as it would make you look like much less of a man.
You reach into one of your pocket and find a pack of cookies. You offer Grace one, and in the process put your arm around her. She takes a cookie and leans into your arm. So far so good. You continue to watch the animals play, at one point sneaking a kiss. Before you know it Grace has gotten on top of you and has started making out with you. "Yes!" you think again, but at that moment you hear something hit the tree with a thud. The kitty and horse also stop playing, as you realize Grace's aggressive making out has saved you from being hit with an arrow.
It's at this point that you decide the whole world is pretty much doing its best to stop you from ever scoring again.
> Swear loudly and grab your sword and shield as fast as you fucking can, and figure out where the arrows are coming from!
You yell "Mother Bitches!" at the top of your lungs as you grab your sword and shield, and head for cover behind the tree. Fortunately for you, your horse and kitty are smart enough to follow you and take cover as well. The tree really isn't that big, so the 4 of you are in a giant cuddle pile just so you can fit. You think to yourself, this kind of thing will probably be funny looking back on it.
"The arrow must have come from back across the river." Grace says. "Based on the angle of the arrow in the tree, as well as the depth of penetration, I'd say your shooter is probably about 40 feet away and 20 feet above us, most likely hiding in a tree." You look at her funny, ignoring the mention of penetration.
"What!" She says. "I took a forensics class at the school for princesses."
> Wonder aloud whether you should make a run for it, or if you should try to go on the offensive.
You start talking to yourself. "I wonder if we should just make a run for it, or try to go after this guy."
"Girl." Grace corrects you. "I can see her, up in that tree over there." She says while pointing.
You peek around the tree and see a green clad female elf hiding up in the tree, looking nervous now that she knows she's been spotted. "I don't have projectile weapons short of the kitty -" the cat paws at you and you pat its head - "and I don't think I can throw him that far. I don't think we can get away without giving that elf one more shot at us."
Grace sighs. "Well, let me take care of this then." You watch as she mumbles something to herself, jumps out from behind the tree and proceeds to launch a fireball right at the elf, striking her dead on. The elf falls out of the tree, bouncing off a few branches on the way down.
"You take a combat magic class at the school for princesses too, huh?" you say.
"Being a princess gives you a lot of free time to learn whatever you wish," she says back, smugly.
> Molest Magic Casting Sara Sidle!
Unrecognized command
> Dammit!
> Check to make sure elf is unconscious/dead, then go investigate elf body
The elf is still smoldering, and isn't moving. Either it's playing dead really well, or it's completely fried. You cross the river to go take a look at the dead elf. As far as elves go, this one looks like she was pretty cute, at least she was before she was cooked. You wait a second for the elf to cool off a little bit more, and then go through her pockets. The only item of interest is buried deep in one of her pockets...a small piece of unburnt parchment. It has some writing on it, would you like to read it?
> Read the parchment
The parchment reads:
Wait for them by the river. They both will have a good deal of money on them, so you can keep whatever you find on their bodies.
They must be stopped, our livelyhood depends on it.
It is unsigned, but dated 2 days ago. You had no idea that you were even going to be by this river until you got here. How could someone have known you would be coming? A sense of dread comes over you, nightfall will be upon you in a few hours. Looks like you won't be sleeping much tonight.
> Look around for a possible cave, convenient grove of trees, somewhere safe that you could get to before nightfall
The area you are currently in provides about as much cover as the forest provides. Problem is, if you are dealing with elves, they know the forest much better than you do. Fortunately, you do know that if you force them into close quaters combat that they will be no match for you, so cover in a small cave would probably be the best way to go. This would also lead to lots of close contact with a potentially scared Grace, which you believe is not a bad thing.
You pull out a map that you bought earlier, and see that a cave is basically on the same route you are already going just a few miles forward. You realize that if it is big enough to make the map, it probably isn't going to be ideal. You could head towards this cave in hopes of finding a better hiding spot, or construct some makeshift cover here in the forest. You do also have some camping gear that you purchased earlier as well if all us fails.
> Head towards the cave to at least check it out
You head back over to Grace and the animals, put kitty in your pocket and mount the horse. Grace asks you what you found on the Elf to which you answer "Nothing good;" you feel no need to make her worry for the time being. She gets on the horse, and you head off towards the cave encountering nothing but small forest creatures on the way.
As you reach the cave, the sun is getting low on the horizon. The cave has a very large entrance, and you can see the flickering of light on the cave walls inside. Two shadows appear on the wall, and while you can't tell exactly what they are doing, it's pretty obvious one is sitting on the other one. It looks like something naughty is going on in there.
> Quietly get off the pony and go peep at the free show!
You dismount your horse and start to walk into the cave, Grace right behind you. As you get closer, you begin to hear noises...you don't necessarily recognize them but it doesn't sound human, they are lower pitched, more gravely. You get to the point in the cave where the noises are coming from just around a corner, and from here the shadows on the wall appear quite large. You aren't sure if you should look, the grunting you are now hearing is somewhat nauseating, especially when accompanied by an even more questionable squishing sound.
You look back at Grace. She is trying to hold back laughter. "Sorry," she says, "It sounds so gross that it's funny."
Do you want to look around the corner?
> I'm really not sure.
Well, I'm sure that's not an answer. Try again.
> Better make sure it's not something dangerous. Brace self and take a peek
You mentally prepare yourself for what you are about to see, and peek your head around the corner. Oh damnit, you think to yourself, it's a couple of trolls getting busy. You vomit a little in your mouth, it's not a pretty sight. It's at this point when a grunting mouth open male troll on top of his mate looks up and makes eye contact with you. Needless to say, he isn't happy to see you there. You grab Grace by the hand and run out of the cave, quickly mounting your horse and getting the hell out of there.
By the time you stop galloping through the woods, the sun is coming up and you are coming to the end of the forest. "How could we have ran in fear all night and yet I'm not tired at all, and neither is the horse?" You look back at Grace and she smiles. "Another spell?"
"Well, now that you know I can cast, why hold back right?" She looks around. "Up ahead, the Wizard's lair," she says, pointing. You heart sinks when you see it is a tower on top of a giant hill, the only entrance being a cave at the bottom.
> Ask whether she can fly us to the top, or if we're going to have to walk
You ask hopefully, "Please say you have a spell that can fly us to the top."
She frowns. "I do...but...it would only work on one of us. Who knows what's up there. I need you to protect me, I am defenseless." She gives you a helpless look, but even she can't help but smile and laugh a little bit.
"Damnit." You say. It's at this point that you hear the kitty meowing at you from your pocket.
> lift out Kitty Kitty and ask if he'd like to help you out in a cute kitty voice
You pull out the kitty and ask "Oh kitty kitty how would you like to help us out you darling little pookie snookums you?" in your ridiculously high pitched talking to kitty voice. Once again you hear snickering come from behind you but this time you don't bother to look.
The kitty meows loudly, confirming its desire to want to help you.
> Think really hard of some totally awesome flying thing, like a huge bad-ass dragon!
You try to think of things that can fly. Butterfly...too small. Bird...too small. Penguin...can't really fly. Winged horse...kinda gay, before you settle on the idea of a dragon. You set kitty down and move away from him before you start thinking of the biggest looking dragon you can. You hear a pop and when you look up you are face to face with a giant dragon. The dragon looks pissed, and you start to get a little worried about becoming dragon food as he moves closer to you. The dragon lays its head on the ground putting the two of you at eye level, opens its mouth, and lets out a grunt while gesturing with its head to get on.
You give the dragon a pat on the head, and breathe a sigh of relief. "Kitty, what did I ever do before I found you," you say.
> Help Grace onto the Kitty Dragon, climb on yourself, and take off to the top!
You help Grace onto the Dragon, and climb on yourself. As you are ready to take off, you notice your horse looking at you unaware that you are about to abandon him. Dragon's don't exactly have a place for a horse to ride on, so looks like horsey is on his own.
Are you sure you want to leave your horse?
> He waited for me last time, didn't he?
> Toss him a pony treat for reassurance
You remind yourself that your horse has waited for you on mulitple occasions, including last time. He should be fine this time assuming he doesn't get ate by a troll or worse. You toss him a horse treat which he catches in his mouth. He is a happy horse for the time being, frolicking about and eating grass. You cross your fingers and hope he'll be there when you return.
You yell "Go Dragon Kitty Go!" and the dragon takes off towards the top of the hill. As you fly peacefully through the air, your eyes meet with Grace's, and you share a quick kiss. You wonder why you never thought of using kitty as a mode of transportation before. This thought doesn't last long, as you have a great aerial view of all the creatures that have now noticed you are in the area...travel by dragon is hardly covert. You return your thoughts to that of dragons just in case...wouldn't want kitty to transform here. Fortunately, you reach the top of the hill without incident.
"All that's left to do is go inside." Grace says, looking at the tower. "Let's hope the wizard is here, and not something evil instead."
You scowl at her. "You better not have just jinxed us."
> Continue thinking of dragons in case there is evil in the tower
> Look for ways to get into the tower, like a front door you might be able to knock on
You continue thinking of dragons believing that it may scare some enemies away. Unfortunately, your dragon has spotted a butterfly and is prancing happily after it. You aren't sure if this makes the dragon any more or less scary, but you are sure the loud noise of a dragon prancing ruins any chance of surprise.
There is a very large metal door directly in front of you. Before you get a chance to see if it is locked or not, prancing dragon cat gets a little too close to it and knocks it off its hinges with it's tail. Guess kitty knocked for you. Nothing appears to be looking out from inside, so either they are cowering in fear or are somewhere else in the tower. Either way, you now have an unimpeded path in.
> Enter the tower first, like a manly man
You make the decision that you are going in first. With your big ass gold sword in your right hand, and your shield in your left, you walk towards the door bending your arms for maximum muscleage. Your muscle display is largely wasted as you are wearing armor and muscles obviously aren't going to show, but at least it makes you feel more like a man. You enter the tower, ready for a fight but to your disappointment no one is in the first room. You are relieved, as you didn't actually want to have to get your shiny new sword dirty. Grace enters behind you, and you see your dragon kitty looking in through the door frame, obviously unable to make an entrance without using some force.
> Look around
The room is small, and mostly empty, with only a few torches hanging from the walls, unlit and covered in spider webs. Enough light is coming in from slits in the tower walls that they are unnecessary anyway. A dusty old trunk sits straight ahead, next to the only other door in the room. Even the stone floor is covered in dust, giving the impression that no one has been in this room for a good long while. There are some decorative suits of armor holding weapons next to the door you just came in from, but unlike the rest of the room they appear to be completely clean and shiny.
> check armor, being very careful
You go and inspect the armor by poking it with your sword to keep a good distance away. You are not entirely surprised when the armor springs to life and attempts to swing at you with it's weapon. A quick swipe with your gold sword dispenses one suit of armor, and then the other, leaving nothing but armor pieces scattered in the dust.
"I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this sort of thing." Grace says. "If a Wizard really does live here, anything could be enchanted."
> Should probably get the kitty back
You think of kitties. Kitty changes back to normal, runs in the door, and proceeds to crawl his way back into your armor and his normal pocket.
> Check out the chest, being even more careful.
You poke at the chest with your sword, and nothing happens. Just to make sure it's not alive, you give it a good stab which makes a nice thunk sound. Looks like this chest is normal.
> Open the chest!
You open the chest. It is full of manuscripts, which you proceed to look through. You see titles like better homes and towers, spellbook, wizard illustrated, waxim, wizard's health, tiger beat...at which point you stop looking at the titles. Obviously these aren't going to be of any use to you, but at least they give the impression that a wizard lived here at some point. You continue to search the chest for something that could actually be helpful, but come up empty.
> Head over to the other door and listen, to see whether it is safe to open
You walk over to the door and press your ear against it. There is no noise coming from the other side, so if there is danger, at least it is quiet danger.
> Open the door!
You open the door. It leads to a dark hallway with a number of shadowy objects on the wall. Upon getting a little closer, you realize they are animal heads mounted to the wall. Of course all the animals look pissed off, but at least it's only their heads. Apparently who lives here is also a hunter. The only exit is a door at the far end.
> Cover kitty's eyes and walk down the hallway
You stick one hand into your suit of armor to cover the kitty's eyes, and walk down the center of the hallway just in case any of the heads have been enchanted. A wolf head attempts to bite you, but can't reach you with being mounted to the wall and all. You smack it with your shield, and it lets out a yipe. Other than this, you reach the door at the end of the hall without incident.
> Knock on the door
You knock on the door. No one answers, but you do hear the sound of animal hooves coming from the next room. Sounds like a pony is prancing around in there, you think to yourself.
> open the door a crack and peek in
You open the door a crack to peek into the room without making a sound. All you can see within the room is a staircase leading up on the right, a bookshelf next to it as well as a single high backed chair with a small table. The floor is polished marble, and everything appears to be immaculately clean. The source of the noise is very obviously on the left side of the room, and you can also hear the sound of wood cracking in a fireplace but you can see neither without opening the door further.
> call and ask if there is anyone in the room. Avoid using the phrase "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo" in case it is an ogre who wants just that very thing.
You call into the room, "Hey...anyone in there? Helloooooo? Sir Hilldo here to see a wizard!"
No one answers. But the noise of hoof on marble is moving closer to the door.
> Get sword ready - just in case! - and open the door the whole way
You equip your sword, and push the door open. You can now see what was making the noise.
"Is that...?" Grace starts out.
"Yes..." You say, finishing her thought. "It's a fucking baby unicorn." The unicorn is just standing there looking at you, doing a little dance with its front two paws.
"It's so cute!" Grace says. You turn towards her to say something, and watch as her mouth drops. You quickly turn back around to see that the unicorn has launched itself at you at is about to hit you in the face with its horn.
> Dodge!!
You dodge the in-flight unicorn, and watch as it goes flying past you into the hall getting its horn caught in the mouth of one of the animal heads on the wall. It is now stuck in mid-air, flailing all it's limbs and making sad little unicorn noises.
> Approach it slowly, maybe talking in the calming kitty voice
You slowly walk towards the unicorn, a smirk on your face. "Hello sad little baby unicorn." You say in your high pitched talking to animals voice. "What's the matter, did the wittle baby get his horn stuck in a mouf. Did you? Diiiiid you?"
Grace smacks you on the arm. "Don't taunt it! That's not very nice." You give her a dirty look, and she continues talking. "I mean listen to how sad he is!" She switches to her talking to animals voice. "Who's a sad little unicorn! Yes you are! Yes you are!" You join her and this continues for a few minutes, until you both realize it's not really that funny anymore, at which point you both make crying unicorn noises.
You are now standing behind the stuck in mid-air unicorn, and it's crying even louder now than before.
> FIIIIIIIINE pull it out... carefully
You reach for the unicorn and Grace grabs your arm. "Wait!" She says, "Are you sure you want to free something that's probably just going to attack us again?"
Well, are you?
> Have guilt trip
You waiver back and forth between freeing the unicorn and leaving him stuck, and as he continues to wail as a baby animal is prone to do, you eventually give in and feel that you should free him. As you grab him, he stops making noise, and you proceed to free him from his mid-air suspension. You are holding him in your arms, when you hear a male sounding voice behind you say: "What are you doing with my baby!"
> Do not drop unicorn out of surprise
The voice surprises you, and you almost drop the unicorn. Your reflexes are quick though, and you continue to hold the baby without even making it start its ear piercing whining. You still haven't turned to face the voice which calls out to you, "Well! Are you going to explain yourself?"
> Turn around very non-threateningly to see what it is
> Pray it's nothing horrible
You turn slowly to face the voice, eyes closed, saying a quick prayer that it's not something big and scary. You open your eyes to see another unicorn, full grown, looking down at its baby, and then up at you. As far as you can tell, it looks mad.
You figure now would be a good time to explain yourself, "I...uh...umm...*cough*..."
Before you are actually able to form a coherant sentence, a tiny voice from in your arms starts speaking. "I'm sorry mom! It's all my fault!" The baby unicorn squeaks. You are so startled by the voice that you drop him. The baby lands on its feet and starts walking towards it's mom.
"Did you launch yourself at him!" The mother unicorn shouts.
"Yes mommy."
"Fidel! You should know better than that. That's the 5th time this week!" The mom lifts her front hoof and gives Fidel a light rap to the back of the head. She then looks up at you. "At least this one was quick enough to get out of the way, unlike the others...rest their souls." You cringe. "I'm truly sorry, sir and madame, for the behavior of my child."
"Well, boys will be boys." Grace chimes in.
The mother unicorn laughs. "They certainly will. Do you have any children?" You eagerly await the answer. Please say no...please say no! You think to yourself.
"No." Grace answers. "But maybe someday." She says, putting her hand on your shoulder. Typically a woman saying this sort of thing would send you running out the door. Perhaps the shock that this conversation is occurring with a unicorn has lowered my desire to run, you think to yourself. That's got to be it!
The mother unicorn's mood seems to have improved. "Oh, I see." She says. "Nothing like young love..." She sighs. "Anyway, what brings the two of you here?"
> Step back and let Grace control the conversation... she can decide how much she wants to tell Ma Shiny over there
You figure that Grace and the unicorn already seem to have an understanding, and it would be best if you just stay out of the way. Grace tells a short version of the story and what happened to her kingdom, ending it with how she needs to see the wizard. You are surprised that upon mention of the wizard, the previously cordial unicorn looks around nervously and says, "Oh dear. I'm afraid there is no wizard here anymore."
Being an expert liar yourself, you know what bullshit sounds like. After all, that used to be half of what came out of your mouth, unless you were around a woman you were trying to bang, at which point it was more like 98%. You'd like to think you are more honest now though, the whole respectable knight gig and all. While you are debating all this in your mind, you notice a shadow in the staircase on the right slowly moving back up the stairs, and not so coincidentally it's got the shape of a stereotypical wizard, gay pointy hat and all. You mutter to yourself, "Bullshit!", and apparently you need to work on how loud you mutter as mama unicorn, Fidel, and Grace are all looking at you now.
> Dive at the wizard and try to grab him!
You dive towards the staircase in hopes of catching what you think to be a wizard. After you realize that trying to dive up a staircase only yields a face full of stairs, you start to run after him. Wizards aren't world renowned for their natural speed and agility, and this Wizard is no exception. You catch up to him before he makes it to the top of the stairs, and proceed to grab him, yelling "Gotcha bitch!" for added effect.
"Wow, you managed to catch me." The wizard says sarcastically. "Quite a feat for the all of a sudden competent Sir Hilldo. Now let go of me before I have to ruin your day."
> Drag him downstairs to face Grace
Despite the wizards ominous sounding threats, you decide to drag him down the stairs. On the way down he keeps trying to cast a spell, but every time he is close to finishing it, he hits his bony wizard ass on the next step down, letting out a pathetic sounding grunt and ruining the spell. Once you get to the bottom of the stairs, you slide the wizard across the marble floor towards Grace. He comes to a stop right at her feet. You put a hand up in the air and take a bow for your effort.
As the wizard lays on the floor, he looks up at Grace and while pointing at you says, "He with you?"
"Yup." She replies, smiling.
"I was going to turn him into a duck, but I didn't realize he was here with you. I guess I'll call us even for my hiding and spare him." The wizard pauses and gets to his feet. "So you are here about the wand right?"
"Yes, oh great wizard." Grace says, pulling out the wand...but clumsily dropping it behind her. "Oops!" She exclaims in a ditzy female voice that's new to you, and proceeds to bend over and pick up the wand. This gives both the wizard and yourself a great view of her ass. You notice even the unicorns checking it out and you swear Fidel mouthed "DAMN!", which mildly disturbs you but reinforces the fact that she's got a really nice ass. She picks up the wand and turns around just as the wizard finishes adjusting his now tighter robe.
Grace tilts her head a bit to the side and continues with the ditz voice saying "Can you show me how to use this thing so I can save my daddy," stroking the wand suggestively. She sure knows how to get what she wants out of men, you think to yourself, and this time is no exception. The wizard tells her everything about the wand, even being nice enough to write instructions down for her just in case she forgets. You don't really pay that much attention to the whole thing as its just a bunch of wizard mumbo jumbo anyway. You see him give the instructions to her, and proceed to start hitting on her, asking if she's ever seen a man's magic wand. You ignore this for a bit just to watch her squirm, but she keeps shooting you angry looks, so it must be time to go.
> Give the unicorn a good-bye pat on the head
> Make appropriate good bye noises
> GTFO
You give Fidel a pat on the head, which seemingly pleases him, and he rubs on your leg like a cat. You then proceed to say "Goodbye!" in about 8 different funny sounding voices. The unicorns say goodbye and return to doing whatever the fuck unicorns do, but the wizard isn't so eager for you to leave. It takes a little bit of effort to un-latch him from Grace. As you pull her away he tries to entice her to come back by saying various creepy old wizard things.
As you reach the end of the animal head hallway, Grace turns back to look at the wizard at the end of the hall and yells, "I'll call you!" You give her a dirty look since she stole your line, but you can always make her pay for it later. Together you exit the tower.
"Where to, now?" You ask, smiling. The thought of how well things are going enters your mind, and this time, you actually revel in your own glory for a moment. Of course, this doesn't last.
She doesn't answer, a look of terror now on her face. You turn to see what she was looking at, only to be greeted by a blunt object to your face. Your head snaps back from the force of the blow, and you begin to lose consciousness. The last thing you remember is Grace screaming "Please, no!", and one lone detail about your attacker: It was wearing a pink fur coat.
It's funny; we write these things and I'm thinking, man, this one isn't any good... and then I read it over and I seriously can't stop laughing.