Because Mondays Suck...
Penis Text Adventures, Part IV
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, Grace, Kitty Kitty, orcs, an ogre, and an awkward manifestation of herpes
Summary: In which things actually happen, but still manage to be funny, at least to us. Secrets about Grace are revealed! Treasure is found! Kitty Kitty eats everything in sight! JELLO PUDDING POPS
When we last left our hero, he was gallantly riding into the sunset on his trusty horse with the fair maiden behind him, off to slay the evil ogre and bring freedom to his people. Unfortunately, you are not that hero. Your horse, while trustworthy, isn't really all that comfortable what with the Shield of Herpes banging against your leg all the time. Grace is hanging on to you tightly, which is making things slightly uncomfortable in your crotchal region. Also, the magical gremlin kitty in your pocket has magical gremlin gas.
However, you really are off to kill the big ogre. Even you can't really believe you've taken this much initiative.
Your faithful pony is having a great time, however, bounding playfully through the fields as if it doesn't realize that it might be heading towards becoming a gigantic ogre snack. You're making excellent time, in fact. You can already see the rocks on the horizon that mark the boundaries of the ogre's lands. Grace tightens her grip around your waist - whether it's because she's really scared of the ogre, or she just wants a cuddle, you'll never know.
The ogre's land seems to be approaching relatively fast. You have a small moment of panic.
> Stop horse and go puke. Check pockets for a mint after you've finished.
You pull the horse to a stop and dismount, telling Grace that you think you saw something in the bushes and to stay by the horse where it's safe. Once you're sure she won't follow you, you go behind the bushes and throw up. Luckily you feel much better afterwards. Whore's Lite doesn't really agree with you any more.
You go through your pockets, looking for a mint. The gremlin kitty turns into something vaguely mint-shaped, but it's still purring, so you kind of don't want to eat it. All you can find is the chocolate you got from the bar this morning.
> Look for minty flavored plants nearby, preferably ones that won't cause anything other than minty fresh breath!
You glance around the bushes, looking for any kind of plant that looks vaguely familiar. You've eaten lots of different kinds of plants before, and smoked almost as many.
There isn't much else you can do when you wake up on a deserted moor hung over, starving, and without any pants. Anyway, you spot something that should taste mildly minty and, more importantly, get the taste of spew out of your mouth. You pick a leaf and chew it slowly. Yum!
> Head back to horse. It's time to get your ogre slay on.
You head back to the pony. Grace gives you an odd look, but you tell her that it was nothing as you non-sexually mount your horse. Feeling newly confident, you continue on towards the ogre's lair.
Eventually you can see the nasty lair in the distance. The horse seems pretty nervous, so you decide to dismount and leave the poor thing where it's safe. Unfortunately for the pony you've chosen a spot right in front of a couple orcs having what looks to be a romantic orc picnic. They look up at you in surprise.
> Ah orc love
> Slowly approach them, mace in hand.
You pause a moment to savor the sweet scene of two young orcs in love. They're actually holding hands, which would be cute if orcs weren't so gross-looking. You gaze at them, and sigh. Then you raise your mace menacingly and walk towards them.
The orcs squeak in fear and jump up off of their stained blanket, running off into the woods. They've left a somewhat ratty-looking picnic basket and a blanket that is covered with stains. You don't really want to know where the stains came from.
> Examine picnic basket avoiding the blanket as much as possible.
The picnic basket contains what you can only assume is orc food. It looks like the thing you found in the ogre's house last time that might have had an STD. You carefully dump the basket out onto the nasty-looking blanket. At the bottom of the basket are a couple bottles of what appears to be home-brewed ogre ale. Your sense of propriety momentarily wars with your personal rule to never, ever pass up free alcohol.
> Take alcohol to possibly drink later.
You put the Ogre Ale in your pocket, the one that does not contain Kitty Kitty. At this point you are severely running out of pockets.
Grace has gotten off the horse as well, and is looking around herself nervously. "We're pretty close," she says. "We should probably get ready for battle."
> WTF I have like 90 pockets I have tons left!
> Equip Herpes shield.
You correct yourself by checking the back pockets of your armor, which are still empty. You like to avoid filling those up with things, as it obstructs the ladies' view of your smokin' ass. However, they are still available, and Grace doesn't really seem to be looking at your rear much anyway.
You pull the Herpes shield off the horse and eye it with distaste. You don't really want to get Herpes, but you also don't want to die. As you're about to put it on, Grace yells, "Wait!"
You turn and look at her, wondering whether she wants to keep you STD-free so that you can score later. She looks at you sheepishly. "You should let me equip that," she says instead. "I'm the one who got you into this. Besides, I have a charm that protects me against most STDs."
> Give shield to Grace.
> Check inventory for another shield.
You gladly hand the Herpes Shield over to Grace, hoping that her charm works because you're still looking to nail her. You didn't even know they made charms like that. You make a mental note to pick one up for yourself at your earliest convenience, maybe with some of the proceeds from this ogre raid.
You have another shield in your saddlebags. It's pretty small, and much less impressive than the Herpes Shield, but then again, it won't give you Herpes.
> Look around to find out which way to the lair and to see what is in the way of getting there.
The ogre's lair is pretty much directly in front of you. There's even a little picket fence that used to be white, and a quaint little gate. Behind the gate is the path leading up to the front door, or as much of a front door as an ominous cavern can have anyway. You try to remember your map, but you are pretty sure that other than the mine shaft you have already decided against, there aren't any other obvious ways into the ogre's estate. It looks like you and Grace can either circle the place looking for a back door entry, or just bang your way in through the front. You pause for a moment while thinking of all the sexual innuendos in that phrase, but while it makes you laugh, it doesn't make your next course of action any more obvious.
> Slowly walk towards the front gate, keeping an eye out for baddies.
You head down the path towards the front gate. So far nothing looks out of the ordinary. You open the gate, which squeaks pretty loudly. A single orc appears on the path leading up to Casa de Ogre. It seems surprised to see you. Fighting the orc might bring out other nasties, but if it gets inside the house, it could alert everybody that the Big Bad Sir Hilldo is here.
> Un-equip Mace
> Slowly walk towards orc with Ogre Ale in hand.
The orc looks curiously at the bottle of ale in your hand. It seems intrigued. And thirsty.
"Here you go, buddy," you say, trying to sound nice and not at all like you're here to kill things. "This is for you. It's a housewarming gift." The orc doesn't seem to care what it is. As soon as you extend your arm, the orc grabs the bottle of ale, twists the cap off, and chugs the entire thing. It burps. The smell makes you really, really glad that you didn't decide to drink one.
The orc is now looking at you expectantly. It seems a little wobbly on its feet.
> Jack orc in face with shield.
You swing your shield into the orc's face. The poor thing crumples into a little smelly heap at your feet. You hope he wakes up and thinks it's just a particularly bad hangover.
Grace smiles at you. "Good thinking," she says. "I wondered why you'd picked up the ale from that gross picnic basket. It looks like the path is clear up to the ogre's place."
> Quickly move smelly heap to somewhere more hidden.
You quickly drag the orc's body over behind some bushes, and give it a friendly pat on the head. Hopefully no one will see - or smell - the mess over there.
> Plug nose and check body for anything useful.
You check out the orc. Not in that way, since you are not an orc raper. He's holding the now-empty bottle of ale; you let that slide. His pockets only turn up lint and a piece of gold. There's a small dagger hanging off of his belt, and next to it on the belt is a small pouch.
+1 GP
> Take dagger
> Check pouch assuming it is not orc balls, if it is orc balls DO NOT CHECK THEM.
You pick up the dagger and attach it to your belt instead. It look like a pretty high-quality piece, maybe something the ogre stole from a real knight. Carefully, you peek inside the pouch. There's something grey and wrinkly inside. Afraid that it might be orc balls, you tip the pouch onto the ground without touching them. Phew, they're just dried berries. At the bottom of the pouch is a key. You put the key in your butt pocket.
The kitty in your pocket has poked his head out; he seems unusually interested in the dried berries you just dumped on the ground.
> Ask kitty if it wants some berries in a talking to a cat voice.
You pitch your voice really high as if somebody just kicked you in the balls and say, "Hey Kitty Kitty, does you want some wrinkly orc ball berries? They might be yummy-yummy." Grace is laughing her ass off in the background, but the kitty gives you the kind of cat look that means "Yes, dumbfuck."
> Feed berries to kitty-cat
You pick up a berry and hold it out to Kitty Kitty. The little thing chomps the berry, in one gigantic bite. It then swallows the second one whole. Apparently Kitty Kitty was pretty hungry, and the berries were yummy-yummy.
The gremlin-cat burps a small stream of fire. You momentarily oscillate between being terrified and pleased, but then you decide that a fire-breathing cat is pretty much made of awesome. You tuck the kitty back in your pocket, where it curls up for a nap, purring happily.
> Does everything around here make you breathe fire?
> Enter the lair of the ogre
You remember your own fire-breathing experience in the ogre's den earlier. Apparently Mr. Ogre has a pretty big hard-on for things that breathe fire. Your brain realizes that this might be an important fact, and tucks it away for later.
You turn to Grace and gesture for her to walk into the ogre's den first. She is still laughing at your Kitty Cat voice, but you point out that she has the bigger shield and thus should go first. You also might be worried about her stabbing you in the back... but mainly, you want to stare at her ass as you walk in.
You re-enter the ogre's dungeon. Ahead of you is the long corridor, to your right is a spiral staircase, and to your left is an empty coat rack and a closet door. It looks pretty much like it did the last time you were here, except that this time nothing is on fire. This is an improvement.
Grace points to the ominous spiral staircase. "That's what I was talking about before," she whispers. You try to peek down; it's really hard to see what could be down there.
> Grab something that makes light, like a torch or flaming orc.
> Quietly climb down stairs
You look around. There doesn't seem to be anything close that you can light on fire, except maybe the coat rack... but that might be hard to carry around.
In your pocket, the kitty creature mews at you. You have a fantastic idea. "Hey, little buddy," you say, pulling the kitty out and talking in your awesome cat voice again, "think you can light up these stairs for us?"
The kitty mews in what sounds like agreement. It seems like the changeling likes you for now, probably because you fed it some tasty shit. It breathes out a tiny flame of fire, and you quietly climb down the stairs, holding the kitty out in front of you.
When you reach the bottom of the stairs you come face to face with a very scary-looking troll. You're still holding the kitty out in front of you, and some part of your brain stupidly realizes that this might look like you are offering the troll a small feline snack. However, the rest of your brain is frozen in fear. This ends up being lucky, because as it turns out, the troll is sleeping.
> Weigh odds of killing the troll in one attack
The troll looks pretty big. It's doubtful that you can kill it in one hit, although if you got in a couple good htis before it fully woke up, you'd probably stand a good chance.
> Wave your hands around indicating to Grace that you should both stab the ever-living fuck out of this here troll.
You wave the kitty at Grace for a while, but you only seem to be confusing her. Finally you tuck the thing back in your pocket and make stabbity motions with your arm. Grace finally realizes what you mean (dumb B) and draws her sword. You count down from three ... two ... one ... and you both proceed to stab the troll, hard.
It wakes up with a massive trollish yell and starts flailing its arms around. In the massive confusion that follows, you and Grace both manage to land a couple solid blows on the troll. Finally it turns its back on you and corners Grace. You hit it in the back of the head with your mace, and it crumples onto the ground with one final angry snort.
+5 EXP!
It appears that the troll was sleeping on guard duty, because you can now see a door behind where it was resting. There is a hallway leading to your right, and Grace looks ready to continue walking.
> Ask Grace what's behind the door
"I don't know." She shrugs uncomfortably. "But aren't we here to get the ogre? We can come back and look behind the door later if you want, but we need to kill the ogre first."
> Open the door anyway, the ogre isn't going anywhere.
Ignoring Grace's protest, you open the door. After a few seconds while your eyes adjust to the light, you realize what was making her so nervous. The entire room is a shrine... to Grace. There are pictures of her everywhere, even though you know very well there's no such thing as a camera. There are a couple portrait paintings, too, to make it feel a little more normal. You take a step into the room, in disbelief. Over in the corner there's a small table with some burning incense right in front of a crude drawing of a naked woman that may or may not be intended to look like Grace. The whole thing kind of creeps you out.
> Ask Grace if this was a gift from her Ogre Boyfriend.
Grace won't meet your eyes. "Yeah," she says, shortly. "He did this. He... can we just go now?"
> Use fire kitten to start a fire in the room
> Close door
You suddenly feel a surprising bout of sympathy for Grace - it reminds you of all those women who stalked you, once upon a time. You pull the kitty out of your pocket and tell him "Go at it" with a wicked cackle. Soon, the shrine is burning merrily. You figure the rest of the room will go up shortly. As you turn to leave, you pretend to be shaking your head, but really you're trying to look at all the pictures. Grace is wearing some really fancy clothes in some of them - and not a lot of clothing in others. The room is getting warm, though, so you leave and close the door behind you.
Grace blinks. "Thanks," she says finally. It still seems a little awkward.
> Cautiously walk down the hall with fire kitty leading the way
You decide not to push the issue for now, and continue down the hall. The kitty is now walking happily in front of you, breathing just enough fire to light your way. The hallway ends almost abruptly in two staircases, right and left. There doesn't seem to be anything else around.
Grace blinks. "This is new," she says. "There was only one the last time I was here. I hope the ogre doesn't know we're coming."
> Which Staircase is prettier?
The left staircase is covered in sparkly glitter. However, the right staircase has a feather boa hand rail thing. Both are actually quite pretty.
> Go up the right one, glitter gets on everything and should be avoided.
You poke fire-kitty towards the right-hand staircase, and follow the light up the twisting stairs. There are a lot of stairs. No, really. A ton. The feather boa on the hand rail is nice and soft, though. The kitty creature bats at it a couple times as you continue climbing stairs. Finally, the stairs open up onto a short landing with a single door.
"This is it!" Grace hisses, excited. "This leads into the ogre's private quarters. Good choice."
> Listen for Ogre noises from behind the door
You press your ear to the door. You can't hear anything.
> Open door fully expecting room to be full of monsters
You carefully open the door, holding your mace in what you hope is a really scary pose. You seem to be in the back of the ogre's walk-in closet. There aren't any monsters in here, just some really ugly clothing. The ogre seems to like faux fur and glitter, which explains the staircase.
Grace edges out of the stairwell around you and carefully makes her way to the mouth of the closet. "I think it's all clear," she whispers.
> Go to mouth of closet and look around, avoiding glitter as best as humanly possible
You move forward, trying to not get ogre glitter on your fancy armor. You carefully peek around the corner. The ogre's bedroom is just as you'd left it before - messy. There isn't any ogre. Grace moves into the room, looking fairly excited.
> Don't come out of the closet
> Ask why she is so excited
"My jewels," she replies, stalking around the room. "I want my jewels back."
> Help her look for jewels, working an ass grab in at some point.
You walk over to Grace, helping her lift up the ogre's gaudy clothing and curtains in search of her treasure. A couple times you manage to brush against her ass, but Grace seems so preoccupied with the search that she doesn't even notice. You test your theory with a full-palmed ass-squeeze. The girl doesn't even flinch. Either she's got literal buns of steel, or these are some pretty special baubles she's looking for. Your patented ass-squeeze has made many a tavern wench cry, or at least slap you.
A soft mew from the other side of the room alerts you. Kitty Kitty is looking back into the closet nervously. You hush Grace and motion for her to be still. There are voices coming up the stair case.
> Think really hard about gaudy clothing and hope kitty kitty turns into a bright orange fur ogre coat.
> Hide!!!
You quickly motion Grace under the bed - just like last time! - and turn to the changeling, thinking very very hard about a gaudy orange fur coat you saw once on a prostitute. It would've fit really well into this particular ogre's wardrobe. In fact, the prostitute kind of looked like an ogre too. You turn your thoughts away from ogres before Kitty Kitty picks up on them, trying your hardest to broadcast "bright orange fuzzy coat with silver trim and bells."
There is a popping sound, and all of a sudden a fuzzy orange coat is lying across the floor in the corner of the room. It's still purring, but all you can do is hope really hard that whoever is coming up the stairs can't hear it. You dive under the bed with Grace, making sure that you end up with one hand decently close to her ass.
"He wants the box," you hear a voice say as two orcs enter the room. They look pretty grumpy, and the one is limping, maybe like he just got beat up by his boss. You try not to snort at the many connotations of the word 'box'.
"I know, I know." The second orc - the limping one - heads over to the dresser, moving what looks like a metric fuckton of something ruffled out of the way to reveal a safe. "They're in here." He reaches into a pouch on his belt and pulls out a small key, and then unlocks the safe.
> Wait to see what's in the box and then go snatch it if it's sweet.
The orc pulls out a familiar-looking box, but before you can stop her Grace is scrambling out from underneath the bed. "Those are mine!" she yells, and dives at the orc with the box. The second orc pulls out a pretty nasty-looking knife, mostly nasty because it looks like it hasn't had a good cleaning in years. The knife itself might have herpes. However, Mr Herpes Knife can't seem to get a very good angle on the fight.
Grace seems to be kicking a fair amount of ass, so you're not really sure whether you would help or hinder her efforts here. To further complicate things, you've become distracted, and the bright orange jacket has now turned into a fairly realistic representation of the last time you saw herpes. You don't really need to be reminded of your mom right now.
> Turn Kitty back into his namesake
> Come out from under bed and yell something profound in hopes of distracting second orc.
You clench your eyes closed for a moment, thinking frantically about the cutest kitten you possibly can, and praying that the changeling is paying attention. You then do your best commando roll out from under the bed, jump to your feet, and yell, "Stop talking about my mother like that!" It doesn't make any sense, but the second orc is now looking at you and waving the funk-encrusted blade in your direction. Grace takes this opportunity to whack the first orc profoundly over the head, and it collapses into a heap on the floor. Grace is panting pretty bad, though, and while it's really pretty hot, you don't think she's going to be much help in the next thirty seconds.
> Dispense with orc: stylishly
You spin around in a circle, bracing the mace out in front of you, and then do a backflip, managing to kick the orc in the face as you do so. You then spin around again, letting the mace gain momentum; at the end of the spin you very neatly clock the orc below the chin with a perfectly executed strike. As the orc falls, you strike a very handsome pose, and then kick its body away before the mess cramps your style any.
+1 EXP!
> Wow I didn't know I could do that!
> Search Bodies for Good Stuff
You pause for a moment, admiring your own awesomeness, and then rifle through the bodies looking for cool stuff. Not sexually, because you are not an orc raper. The orc you killed doesn't have anything, but the orc near Grace is still clutching the box she wanted so very badly. Grace is still catching her breath.
> Make sleezy comment about how she needs more exercise
> Ask her to get the box from the orc.
"Man, it sounds like you need a workout," you say. "I'll give you one later if you want, but for now, why don't you grab that box you were all turned on about?"
Grace narrows her eyes at you, but she sits up and reaches for the box. "I just wanted to see whether you would steal it from me," she says, and you realize she was faking. "No offense, but I'm still not sure I can trust you."
"None taken," you say. "I feel the same way about you. By the way, do you always fake it?" She glares at you again. "You won't have to with me, you know," you add, giving her a totally manly wink.
Grace picks up the box and holds it in her lap. She looks pretty relieved to have it back, but she doesn't open it yet.
> Have her open the box (leaving out the arm gestures and singing), knowing this was far too easy and there can't actually be jewels in there.
"Go ahead and open it," you say, because you've got a pretty bad feeling about the box. Grace opens it. There actually are some jewels in there, much to your surprise - ones even larger than the couple you managed to steal on your way out last time. You grin. The kitty creature mews.
Grace, however, doesn't look pleased. "This isn't all of them," she says. "We're going to have to go after the ogre himself."
You, on the other hand, are fairly happy with your current haul. Half of that plus the jewels already in your pocket probably adds up to the most money you've seen since you quit selling your body on street corners. That much money means you'd never have to drink Whore's Lite again, or at least for another couple months if you can avoid blowing it all on actual whores. You're ready to head out the back door with the treasure and not look back.
But there is still the issue of the ogre who, you recall, was out to get you. Then again, with that much money you could probably move to Zanzibar.
> Check watch. Isn't it about time for the Ogre to just show up saving me the trouble of finding him?
You don't seem to have a watch.
> Curses!
> Ask Grace where else the ogre likes to hide out.
"He's probably downstairs, eating," Grace says. She looks really angry. She's hot when she's angry. "He used to like to look at all my spoils while he ate." You wonder whether you could look at all her spoils, but wisely, you say nothing.
> Have Grace lead the way
Grace stands up. "This is it," she warns you. "If we go downstairs, we're going to have to fight him. Probably kill him. Are you okay with that?"
> Check room for anything to fight an ogre with first, or at least something that can be thrown and hurt him.
> And yes, yes I am.
You nod affirmatively. One glance around the room shows you a lot of gaudy sparkly clothing, some costume jewelry, a pair of handcuffs, and a huge axe on the wall.
You head over to the axe, stuffing Changeling Kitty back into your pocket as you do so. The axe is really damn heavy.
> Take handcuffs, you can never have enough.
> Leave axe, it's probably not a good idea to bring the ogre a weapon only he could use.
> Ok now I'm ready.
You put the handcuffs into a new pocket you just found and signal for Grace to lead you downstairs. She draws her sword and puts the box in a pocket of her own, and then walks out into the hallway. She takes you out onto a sort of balcony and signals for you to be quiet. Downstairs the ogre and a couple orcs in fancy dresses are sitting at the table where you found Grace. There is a huge meal spread out in front of them, it appears to be a roast horse. You have a moment of silence hoping that it is not your horse.
There is a staircase leading down into the room, but it's pretty obvious. You might be able to jump, but the landing would hurt a lot.
> Check Inventory: Rope
You start pawing through your pockets for rope, but quite conveniently, the first pocket you check contains a long skein of it. You notice the rope is purring and thank the changeling yet again.
> Use changeling to climb down thinking ONLY of rope.
You concentrate really hard on rope while Grace ties the end of the changeling to the balcony. You both then climb downwards quietly. It doesn't look like anyone has heard you!
> Think of a small rock and hope changeling takes that form.
You concentrate on a small rock, and the rope changes into a rock and drops to the floor with a soft clack. The rock is still purring a little, but the ogre and his buds seem to be arguing about ketchup. You're safe for now.
> Throw small rock high in air towards table.
> Think of something really damn heavy, like a whale, when the rock is above the ogre.
You pick up the little rock and launch it into the air softly. As the changeling flies through the air, you very quickly turn your thoughts towards the largest thing you can think of. Your brain quickly sorts through things like pianos, mountain ranges, and the last hooker you slept with before settling on the mental image of a whale. The whale is heavy enough that it immediately drops out of the sky and splats down on top of the orge and his running crew. There is a really very nasty sound, and then everything is quiet.
The whale is... well, it's not purring at you, it's making whale sounds, but you get the idea that it's quite pleased with itself.
It has, however, pressed you and Grace up against the wall together.
> Make ridiculous small talk while you have a captive audience.
"So," you say to Grace, "that was pretty exhilirating, wasn't it?"
"I don't think your whale can breathe," she deadpans, and it's that moment when you realize that the self-satisfied whale song has turned into a raspy-sounding gurgle.
> Think of kitty again!
You think of the kitty, and it reappears - standing proudly on top of what used to be an ogre. God, that's fucking disgusting.
> Clean ogre paste off of kitty
What would you like to use?
> Are the tapestries on the walls free of monster pieces?
Yes, in fact, they are. Mostly. The one of the three-headed dragon is kind of nasty, but the others are "clean". Where "clean" means "not covered in ogre bits".
> Use a "clean" tapestry to get rid of the ogre chunks on kitty
You grab a tapestry and wipe the changeling kitty free of goo. It purrs at you, and you scratch it behind the ears for a while as a thank-you for taking care of that ogre problem. This is pretty entertaining, so a few minutes later you're surprised when you look up and Grace is poking at the ogre's remains with her sword. She seems to have found the intestines. You feel sick again.
> Say "Stop poking the dead ogre! Did you find the jewels yet?"
"That's what I'm looking for!" Grace snaps, but she seems more upset than anything. "They have to be in here somewhere. He had them. I know he did."
> He ate his own jewels? Explain!
"They must have been on the table or in his pocket or something," Grace says. "But I can't even find his pockets anymore." It is pretty nasty, you admit. But at least you didn't have to fight the guy.
> Be happy you didn't eat since the last time you puked
> Help look for jewels
You dive into the pile of gore, tentatively. Luckily for you, a major squashing doesn't ruin clothing, so once you find an edge of the ogre's weird dress thing, you pull it out of the pile of goo and organs and lay it on the ground. Grace immediately starts going through the pockets. She finds:
- 10 GP
- A bottle of potion, unmarked
- A dead spider
- Lipstick
- Lip gloss
- A very fashionable portable mirror
- Three large jewels
- A tooth
- A chocolate bar (in a ziplock bag, so it's not gross)
- A strange-looking pill jar
Grace immediately takes the jewels and heads over to the corner, probably to clean them off. Would you like to take anything else?
> Take everything remaining except the dead spider, lipstick and gloss
You sweep everything into your massive and totally available pockets. The changeling kitty eats the lip gloss, but nothing exciting happens.
> Ask Grace if there is anything else she needs here or if we can leave
Grace is in the corner doing something strange with the jewels.
> Gulp
> Walk over to Grace slowly and see what she is doing
You're fairly nervous about the fact that Grace isn't paying any attention to you any more. Nervous, and also offended. You did just kill an ogre for the bitch. You approach her slowly to see what is so much more interesting than you. Grace has pulled something out of a pocket and is currently putting all of the jewels in it. It looks like a long rod, or stick, or a wand maybe.
> Demand to know what the wand thingy is
"It IS a wand," Grace says, not looking up. "And these are the royal jewels, and I finally have them back."
> Wander to the other side of the room closest to the door, knowing full well she's going to be 3 jewels short.
"Wait a minute," Grace says finally, "I need the rest of the jewels that we found yesterday." She looks up at you, only to see that you're over by the door. "No, Sir Hilldo, you just don't understand," she starts, giving you a really hot smile. "Won't you give me those jewels? If I don't put them in the wand, the magic won't work."
You're so confused, you're not really sure whether she's talking about real magic or a vibrator.
> Tell me more of this magic of which you speak
Grace sighs, looks away, and says finally: "Look, I'm on this... quest, okay? I'm sorry, I can't tell you everything about it. And I lied to you, kind of. I'm a princess of ... somewhere. I have to use this stupid wand to break a spell. The problem is that I don't know how. And then that ogre kidnapped me and stole all of the jewels. I'm sorry I made you think you were rich... but if you keep them, I'm totally screwed."
She's giving you the puppy-dog eyes, dammit all.
> Give her jewels, they probably aren't worth much anyway.
> Against better judgement, offer to help.
Grace looks surprised as you approach her and hand her the remaining three jewels. Pleasantly surprised, that is. She snatches them from you, but then stands up and gives you a quick kiss as a thank-you. You're so dazed by this that you barely notice her slipping the last three jewels into her vibrator. It lights up instantly - at least she wasn't lying about that.
"Maybe I could help you out," you hear yourself say before you even think about it.
"Are you sure?" Grace asks. "I wouldn't want to put you in any danger. Well," she adds with a wink, "not too much, anyway."
> Answer yes: cocky (perhaps reminding her you killed an ogre without even getting touched)
"I wouldn't worry," you say, throwing your shoulders back. "I managed to take care of that ogre fairly easily, and you were worried about that."
"Yeah," Grace says sarcastically, looking at the ogre goo on her hands. "By the way, thanks." She wipes her hands on your armor.
"Anyway," you say, reminding yourself that you can just make her clean the armor again tomorrow, "I'm willing to go with you. Me and the cat." Kitty Kitty may or may not be eating ogre remains. You're not sure, and you really don't want to look closely.
"I -" Grace says, but then she thinks better of it. "Thanks, then."
> Ask if there is anything else worth taking in the lair.
"Probably," Grace says excitedly. "In the library, there's a locked room. I think it's where he keeps his treasure. if we can get in there, I wouldn't feel so bad about ripping you off!"
> Mumble about another way she could repay you.
> Have her lead the way.
You decide to keep your mouth shut about the many other ways she could repay you that are currently running through your mind. If you're really going to help her on her quest thingy, well - quests take time! Lots of time! There's a much better chance for you to score if you don't piss her off. (You wonder, vaguely, why you're putting up with so much crap from this one woman when you could've bought yourself ten women with those jewels. Then you remind yourself of the anti-STD charm.)
Grace leads you through a door behind one of the tapestries into the library. There is like only one book in this library. It's a picture book called "Oggy the Ogre Goes to the Seashore." The rest of the shelves are pretty dusty. At the end of the hall is a door. Grace tries the handle, waves her wand, and then tries kicking the door down. It rattles a bit, but nothing moves.
"Dammit," she says.
> Try the key you took off the orc outside on the door
You fumble around your pockets, trying not to look like you're groping yourself. Eventually you find that key you took off the drunken orc. You try it. Gosh be darned, it fits! You are one lucky camper. The lock clicks.
> Open the door!!!
You open the door... and for a couple seconds you think you have died and gone to heaven. The room is full of gold. And I mean full. There is a metric shit-ton of gold in this room. Weapons, coins, just big gigantic pieces of gold - you name it, it's in here. Grace claps her hands. The kitty walks over and swallows a golden egg. You are fucking ecstatic.
> Instruct Grace to grab the most valuable items
> Do the same
> Close and lock the door, you can come back later for the rest.
Grace stuffs her pockets and pouches (and bra, perhaps, although you'll wait to check until later) with gold pieces while you pick up all the golden coins and ingots you can find. The changeling eats another golden egg. Finally, you find the most awesome thing in the world: a huge golden sword. You decide to take that too.
You leave and lock the door behind you. Hopefully the orcs will stay the fuck away from here now that the ogre is dead - it would be nice to have an inexhaustible treasure trove for the next time you have to bail yourself out of jail.
> Head back to where horse may or may not still be
Triumphantly, you head back outside, where your trusty steed is waiting for you. Man, this really just seems to be your day, doesn't it? You non-sexually mount the horse and pull Grace up behind you. For a second, you feel like a real knight. Then you remember that every time you feel like a real knight, something comes along to bite you in the ass. You shake your head and just try really hard to continue thinking of kitties.
- - -
And, in an awkward abuse of my awesome paid-account powers, I present you with the Sir Hilldo Poll!
Poll Sir Hilldo Demands It!
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, Grace, Kitty Kitty, orcs, an ogre, and an awkward manifestation of herpes
Summary: In which things actually happen, but still manage to be funny, at least to us. Secrets about Grace are revealed! Treasure is found! Kitty Kitty eats everything in sight! JELLO PUDDING POPS
When we last left our hero, he was gallantly riding into the sunset on his trusty horse with the fair maiden behind him, off to slay the evil ogre and bring freedom to his people. Unfortunately, you are not that hero. Your horse, while trustworthy, isn't really all that comfortable what with the Shield of Herpes banging against your leg all the time. Grace is hanging on to you tightly, which is making things slightly uncomfortable in your crotchal region. Also, the magical gremlin kitty in your pocket has magical gremlin gas.
However, you really are off to kill the big ogre. Even you can't really believe you've taken this much initiative.
Your faithful pony is having a great time, however, bounding playfully through the fields as if it doesn't realize that it might be heading towards becoming a gigantic ogre snack. You're making excellent time, in fact. You can already see the rocks on the horizon that mark the boundaries of the ogre's lands. Grace tightens her grip around your waist - whether it's because she's really scared of the ogre, or she just wants a cuddle, you'll never know.
The ogre's land seems to be approaching relatively fast. You have a small moment of panic.
> Stop horse and go puke. Check pockets for a mint after you've finished.
You pull the horse to a stop and dismount, telling Grace that you think you saw something in the bushes and to stay by the horse where it's safe. Once you're sure she won't follow you, you go behind the bushes and throw up. Luckily you feel much better afterwards. Whore's Lite doesn't really agree with you any more.
You go through your pockets, looking for a mint. The gremlin kitty turns into something vaguely mint-shaped, but it's still purring, so you kind of don't want to eat it. All you can find is the chocolate you got from the bar this morning.
> Look for minty flavored plants nearby, preferably ones that won't cause anything other than minty fresh breath!
You glance around the bushes, looking for any kind of plant that looks vaguely familiar. You've eaten lots of different kinds of plants before, and smoked almost as many.
There isn't much else you can do when you wake up on a deserted moor hung over, starving, and without any pants. Anyway, you spot something that should taste mildly minty and, more importantly, get the taste of spew out of your mouth. You pick a leaf and chew it slowly. Yum!
> Head back to horse. It's time to get your ogre slay on.
You head back to the pony. Grace gives you an odd look, but you tell her that it was nothing as you non-sexually mount your horse. Feeling newly confident, you continue on towards the ogre's lair.
Eventually you can see the nasty lair in the distance. The horse seems pretty nervous, so you decide to dismount and leave the poor thing where it's safe. Unfortunately for the pony you've chosen a spot right in front of a couple orcs having what looks to be a romantic orc picnic. They look up at you in surprise.
> Ah orc love
> Slowly approach them, mace in hand.
You pause a moment to savor the sweet scene of two young orcs in love. They're actually holding hands, which would be cute if orcs weren't so gross-looking. You gaze at them, and sigh. Then you raise your mace menacingly and walk towards them.
The orcs squeak in fear and jump up off of their stained blanket, running off into the woods. They've left a somewhat ratty-looking picnic basket and a blanket that is covered with stains. You don't really want to know where the stains came from.
> Examine picnic basket avoiding the blanket as much as possible.
The picnic basket contains what you can only assume is orc food. It looks like the thing you found in the ogre's house last time that might have had an STD. You carefully dump the basket out onto the nasty-looking blanket. At the bottom of the basket are a couple bottles of what appears to be home-brewed ogre ale. Your sense of propriety momentarily wars with your personal rule to never, ever pass up free alcohol.
> Take alcohol to possibly drink later.
You put the Ogre Ale in your pocket, the one that does not contain Kitty Kitty. At this point you are severely running out of pockets.
Grace has gotten off the horse as well, and is looking around herself nervously. "We're pretty close," she says. "We should probably get ready for battle."
> WTF I have like 90 pockets I have tons left!
> Equip Herpes shield.
You correct yourself by checking the back pockets of your armor, which are still empty. You like to avoid filling those up with things, as it obstructs the ladies' view of your smokin' ass. However, they are still available, and Grace doesn't really seem to be looking at your rear much anyway.
You pull the Herpes shield off the horse and eye it with distaste. You don't really want to get Herpes, but you also don't want to die. As you're about to put it on, Grace yells, "Wait!"
You turn and look at her, wondering whether she wants to keep you STD-free so that you can score later. She looks at you sheepishly. "You should let me equip that," she says instead. "I'm the one who got you into this. Besides, I have a charm that protects me against most STDs."
> Give shield to Grace.
> Check inventory for another shield.
You gladly hand the Herpes Shield over to Grace, hoping that her charm works because you're still looking to nail her. You didn't even know they made charms like that. You make a mental note to pick one up for yourself at your earliest convenience, maybe with some of the proceeds from this ogre raid.
You have another shield in your saddlebags. It's pretty small, and much less impressive than the Herpes Shield, but then again, it won't give you Herpes.
> Look around to find out which way to the lair and to see what is in the way of getting there.
The ogre's lair is pretty much directly in front of you. There's even a little picket fence that used to be white, and a quaint little gate. Behind the gate is the path leading up to the front door, or as much of a front door as an ominous cavern can have anyway. You try to remember your map, but you are pretty sure that other than the mine shaft you have already decided against, there aren't any other obvious ways into the ogre's estate. It looks like you and Grace can either circle the place looking for a back door entry, or just bang your way in through the front. You pause for a moment while thinking of all the sexual innuendos in that phrase, but while it makes you laugh, it doesn't make your next course of action any more obvious.
> Slowly walk towards the front gate, keeping an eye out for baddies.
You head down the path towards the front gate. So far nothing looks out of the ordinary. You open the gate, which squeaks pretty loudly. A single orc appears on the path leading up to Casa de Ogre. It seems surprised to see you. Fighting the orc might bring out other nasties, but if it gets inside the house, it could alert everybody that the Big Bad Sir Hilldo is here.
> Un-equip Mace
> Slowly walk towards orc with Ogre Ale in hand.
The orc looks curiously at the bottle of ale in your hand. It seems intrigued. And thirsty.
"Here you go, buddy," you say, trying to sound nice and not at all like you're here to kill things. "This is for you. It's a housewarming gift." The orc doesn't seem to care what it is. As soon as you extend your arm, the orc grabs the bottle of ale, twists the cap off, and chugs the entire thing. It burps. The smell makes you really, really glad that you didn't decide to drink one.
The orc is now looking at you expectantly. It seems a little wobbly on its feet.
> Jack orc in face with shield.
You swing your shield into the orc's face. The poor thing crumples into a little smelly heap at your feet. You hope he wakes up and thinks it's just a particularly bad hangover.
Grace smiles at you. "Good thinking," she says. "I wondered why you'd picked up the ale from that gross picnic basket. It looks like the path is clear up to the ogre's place."
> Quickly move smelly heap to somewhere more hidden.
You quickly drag the orc's body over behind some bushes, and give it a friendly pat on the head. Hopefully no one will see - or smell - the mess over there.
> Plug nose and check body for anything useful.
You check out the orc. Not in that way, since you are not an orc raper. He's holding the now-empty bottle of ale; you let that slide. His pockets only turn up lint and a piece of gold. There's a small dagger hanging off of his belt, and next to it on the belt is a small pouch.
+1 GP
> Take dagger
> Check pouch assuming it is not orc balls, if it is orc balls DO NOT CHECK THEM.
You pick up the dagger and attach it to your belt instead. It look like a pretty high-quality piece, maybe something the ogre stole from a real knight. Carefully, you peek inside the pouch. There's something grey and wrinkly inside. Afraid that it might be orc balls, you tip the pouch onto the ground without touching them. Phew, they're just dried berries. At the bottom of the pouch is a key. You put the key in your butt pocket.
The kitty in your pocket has poked his head out; he seems unusually interested in the dried berries you just dumped on the ground.
> Ask kitty if it wants some berries in a talking to a cat voice.
You pitch your voice really high as if somebody just kicked you in the balls and say, "Hey Kitty Kitty, does you want some wrinkly orc ball berries? They might be yummy-yummy." Grace is laughing her ass off in the background, but the kitty gives you the kind of cat look that means "Yes, dumbfuck."
> Feed berries to kitty-cat
You pick up a berry and hold it out to Kitty Kitty. The little thing chomps the berry, in one gigantic bite. It then swallows the second one whole. Apparently Kitty Kitty was pretty hungry, and the berries were yummy-yummy.
The gremlin-cat burps a small stream of fire. You momentarily oscillate between being terrified and pleased, but then you decide that a fire-breathing cat is pretty much made of awesome. You tuck the kitty back in your pocket, where it curls up for a nap, purring happily.
> Does everything around here make you breathe fire?
> Enter the lair of the ogre
You remember your own fire-breathing experience in the ogre's den earlier. Apparently Mr. Ogre has a pretty big hard-on for things that breathe fire. Your brain realizes that this might be an important fact, and tucks it away for later.
You turn to Grace and gesture for her to walk into the ogre's den first. She is still laughing at your Kitty Cat voice, but you point out that she has the bigger shield and thus should go first. You also might be worried about her stabbing you in the back... but mainly, you want to stare at her ass as you walk in.
You re-enter the ogre's dungeon. Ahead of you is the long corridor, to your right is a spiral staircase, and to your left is an empty coat rack and a closet door. It looks pretty much like it did the last time you were here, except that this time nothing is on fire. This is an improvement.
Grace points to the ominous spiral staircase. "That's what I was talking about before," she whispers. You try to peek down; it's really hard to see what could be down there.
> Grab something that makes light, like a torch or flaming orc.
> Quietly climb down stairs
You look around. There doesn't seem to be anything close that you can light on fire, except maybe the coat rack... but that might be hard to carry around.
In your pocket, the kitty creature mews at you. You have a fantastic idea. "Hey, little buddy," you say, pulling the kitty out and talking in your awesome cat voice again, "think you can light up these stairs for us?"
The kitty mews in what sounds like agreement. It seems like the changeling likes you for now, probably because you fed it some tasty shit. It breathes out a tiny flame of fire, and you quietly climb down the stairs, holding the kitty out in front of you.
When you reach the bottom of the stairs you come face to face with a very scary-looking troll. You're still holding the kitty out in front of you, and some part of your brain stupidly realizes that this might look like you are offering the troll a small feline snack. However, the rest of your brain is frozen in fear. This ends up being lucky, because as it turns out, the troll is sleeping.
> Weigh odds of killing the troll in one attack
The troll looks pretty big. It's doubtful that you can kill it in one hit, although if you got in a couple good htis before it fully woke up, you'd probably stand a good chance.
> Wave your hands around indicating to Grace that you should both stab the ever-living fuck out of this here troll.
You wave the kitty at Grace for a while, but you only seem to be confusing her. Finally you tuck the thing back in your pocket and make stabbity motions with your arm. Grace finally realizes what you mean (dumb B) and draws her sword. You count down from three ... two ... one ... and you both proceed to stab the troll, hard.
It wakes up with a massive trollish yell and starts flailing its arms around. In the massive confusion that follows, you and Grace both manage to land a couple solid blows on the troll. Finally it turns its back on you and corners Grace. You hit it in the back of the head with your mace, and it crumples onto the ground with one final angry snort.
+5 EXP!
It appears that the troll was sleeping on guard duty, because you can now see a door behind where it was resting. There is a hallway leading to your right, and Grace looks ready to continue walking.
> Ask Grace what's behind the door
"I don't know." She shrugs uncomfortably. "But aren't we here to get the ogre? We can come back and look behind the door later if you want, but we need to kill the ogre first."
> Open the door anyway, the ogre isn't going anywhere.
Ignoring Grace's protest, you open the door. After a few seconds while your eyes adjust to the light, you realize what was making her so nervous. The entire room is a shrine... to Grace. There are pictures of her everywhere, even though you know very well there's no such thing as a camera. There are a couple portrait paintings, too, to make it feel a little more normal. You take a step into the room, in disbelief. Over in the corner there's a small table with some burning incense right in front of a crude drawing of a naked woman that may or may not be intended to look like Grace. The whole thing kind of creeps you out.
> Ask Grace if this was a gift from her Ogre Boyfriend.
Grace won't meet your eyes. "Yeah," she says, shortly. "He did this. He... can we just go now?"
> Use fire kitten to start a fire in the room
> Close door
You suddenly feel a surprising bout of sympathy for Grace - it reminds you of all those women who stalked you, once upon a time. You pull the kitty out of your pocket and tell him "Go at it" with a wicked cackle. Soon, the shrine is burning merrily. You figure the rest of the room will go up shortly. As you turn to leave, you pretend to be shaking your head, but really you're trying to look at all the pictures. Grace is wearing some really fancy clothes in some of them - and not a lot of clothing in others. The room is getting warm, though, so you leave and close the door behind you.
Grace blinks. "Thanks," she says finally. It still seems a little awkward.
> Cautiously walk down the hall with fire kitty leading the way
You decide not to push the issue for now, and continue down the hall. The kitty is now walking happily in front of you, breathing just enough fire to light your way. The hallway ends almost abruptly in two staircases, right and left. There doesn't seem to be anything else around.
Grace blinks. "This is new," she says. "There was only one the last time I was here. I hope the ogre doesn't know we're coming."
> Which Staircase is prettier?
The left staircase is covered in sparkly glitter. However, the right staircase has a feather boa hand rail thing. Both are actually quite pretty.
> Go up the right one, glitter gets on everything and should be avoided.
You poke fire-kitty towards the right-hand staircase, and follow the light up the twisting stairs. There are a lot of stairs. No, really. A ton. The feather boa on the hand rail is nice and soft, though. The kitty creature bats at it a couple times as you continue climbing stairs. Finally, the stairs open up onto a short landing with a single door.
"This is it!" Grace hisses, excited. "This leads into the ogre's private quarters. Good choice."
> Listen for Ogre noises from behind the door
You press your ear to the door. You can't hear anything.
> Open door fully expecting room to be full of monsters
You carefully open the door, holding your mace in what you hope is a really scary pose. You seem to be in the back of the ogre's walk-in closet. There aren't any monsters in here, just some really ugly clothing. The ogre seems to like faux fur and glitter, which explains the staircase.
Grace edges out of the stairwell around you and carefully makes her way to the mouth of the closet. "I think it's all clear," she whispers.
> Go to mouth of closet and look around, avoiding glitter as best as humanly possible
You move forward, trying to not get ogre glitter on your fancy armor. You carefully peek around the corner. The ogre's bedroom is just as you'd left it before - messy. There isn't any ogre. Grace moves into the room, looking fairly excited.
> Don't come out of the closet
> Ask why she is so excited
"My jewels," she replies, stalking around the room. "I want my jewels back."
> Help her look for jewels, working an ass grab in at some point.
You walk over to Grace, helping her lift up the ogre's gaudy clothing and curtains in search of her treasure. A couple times you manage to brush against her ass, but Grace seems so preoccupied with the search that she doesn't even notice. You test your theory with a full-palmed ass-squeeze. The girl doesn't even flinch. Either she's got literal buns of steel, or these are some pretty special baubles she's looking for. Your patented ass-squeeze has made many a tavern wench cry, or at least slap you.
A soft mew from the other side of the room alerts you. Kitty Kitty is looking back into the closet nervously. You hush Grace and motion for her to be still. There are voices coming up the stair case.
> Think really hard about gaudy clothing and hope kitty kitty turns into a bright orange fur ogre coat.
> Hide!!!
You quickly motion Grace under the bed - just like last time! - and turn to the changeling, thinking very very hard about a gaudy orange fur coat you saw once on a prostitute. It would've fit really well into this particular ogre's wardrobe. In fact, the prostitute kind of looked like an ogre too. You turn your thoughts away from ogres before Kitty Kitty picks up on them, trying your hardest to broadcast "bright orange fuzzy coat with silver trim and bells."
There is a popping sound, and all of a sudden a fuzzy orange coat is lying across the floor in the corner of the room. It's still purring, but all you can do is hope really hard that whoever is coming up the stairs can't hear it. You dive under the bed with Grace, making sure that you end up with one hand decently close to her ass.
"He wants the box," you hear a voice say as two orcs enter the room. They look pretty grumpy, and the one is limping, maybe like he just got beat up by his boss. You try not to snort at the many connotations of the word 'box'.
"I know, I know." The second orc - the limping one - heads over to the dresser, moving what looks like a metric fuckton of something ruffled out of the way to reveal a safe. "They're in here." He reaches into a pouch on his belt and pulls out a small key, and then unlocks the safe.
> Wait to see what's in the box and then go snatch it if it's sweet.
The orc pulls out a familiar-looking box, but before you can stop her Grace is scrambling out from underneath the bed. "Those are mine!" she yells, and dives at the orc with the box. The second orc pulls out a pretty nasty-looking knife, mostly nasty because it looks like it hasn't had a good cleaning in years. The knife itself might have herpes. However, Mr Herpes Knife can't seem to get a very good angle on the fight.
Grace seems to be kicking a fair amount of ass, so you're not really sure whether you would help or hinder her efforts here. To further complicate things, you've become distracted, and the bright orange jacket has now turned into a fairly realistic representation of the last time you saw herpes. You don't really need to be reminded of your mom right now.
> Turn Kitty back into his namesake
> Come out from under bed and yell something profound in hopes of distracting second orc.
You clench your eyes closed for a moment, thinking frantically about the cutest kitten you possibly can, and praying that the changeling is paying attention. You then do your best commando roll out from under the bed, jump to your feet, and yell, "Stop talking about my mother like that!" It doesn't make any sense, but the second orc is now looking at you and waving the funk-encrusted blade in your direction. Grace takes this opportunity to whack the first orc profoundly over the head, and it collapses into a heap on the floor. Grace is panting pretty bad, though, and while it's really pretty hot, you don't think she's going to be much help in the next thirty seconds.
> Dispense with orc: stylishly
You spin around in a circle, bracing the mace out in front of you, and then do a backflip, managing to kick the orc in the face as you do so. You then spin around again, letting the mace gain momentum; at the end of the spin you very neatly clock the orc below the chin with a perfectly executed strike. As the orc falls, you strike a very handsome pose, and then kick its body away before the mess cramps your style any.
+1 EXP!
> Wow I didn't know I could do that!
> Search Bodies for Good Stuff
You pause for a moment, admiring your own awesomeness, and then rifle through the bodies looking for cool stuff. Not sexually, because you are not an orc raper. The orc you killed doesn't have anything, but the orc near Grace is still clutching the box she wanted so very badly. Grace is still catching her breath.
> Make sleezy comment about how she needs more exercise
> Ask her to get the box from the orc.
"Man, it sounds like you need a workout," you say. "I'll give you one later if you want, but for now, why don't you grab that box you were all turned on about?"
Grace narrows her eyes at you, but she sits up and reaches for the box. "I just wanted to see whether you would steal it from me," she says, and you realize she was faking. "No offense, but I'm still not sure I can trust you."
"None taken," you say. "I feel the same way about you. By the way, do you always fake it?" She glares at you again. "You won't have to with me, you know," you add, giving her a totally manly wink.
Grace picks up the box and holds it in her lap. She looks pretty relieved to have it back, but she doesn't open it yet.
> Have her open the box (leaving out the arm gestures and singing), knowing this was far too easy and there can't actually be jewels in there.
"Go ahead and open it," you say, because you've got a pretty bad feeling about the box. Grace opens it. There actually are some jewels in there, much to your surprise - ones even larger than the couple you managed to steal on your way out last time. You grin. The kitty creature mews.
Grace, however, doesn't look pleased. "This isn't all of them," she says. "We're going to have to go after the ogre himself."
You, on the other hand, are fairly happy with your current haul. Half of that plus the jewels already in your pocket probably adds up to the most money you've seen since you quit selling your body on street corners. That much money means you'd never have to drink Whore's Lite again, or at least for another couple months if you can avoid blowing it all on actual whores. You're ready to head out the back door with the treasure and not look back.
But there is still the issue of the ogre who, you recall, was out to get you. Then again, with that much money you could probably move to Zanzibar.
> Check watch. Isn't it about time for the Ogre to just show up saving me the trouble of finding him?
You don't seem to have a watch.
> Curses!
> Ask Grace where else the ogre likes to hide out.
"He's probably downstairs, eating," Grace says. She looks really angry. She's hot when she's angry. "He used to like to look at all my spoils while he ate." You wonder whether you could look at all her spoils, but wisely, you say nothing.
> Have Grace lead the way
Grace stands up. "This is it," she warns you. "If we go downstairs, we're going to have to fight him. Probably kill him. Are you okay with that?"
> Check room for anything to fight an ogre with first, or at least something that can be thrown and hurt him.
> And yes, yes I am.
You nod affirmatively. One glance around the room shows you a lot of gaudy sparkly clothing, some costume jewelry, a pair of handcuffs, and a huge axe on the wall.
You head over to the axe, stuffing Changeling Kitty back into your pocket as you do so. The axe is really damn heavy.
> Take handcuffs, you can never have enough.
> Leave axe, it's probably not a good idea to bring the ogre a weapon only he could use.
> Ok now I'm ready.
You put the handcuffs into a new pocket you just found and signal for Grace to lead you downstairs. She draws her sword and puts the box in a pocket of her own, and then walks out into the hallway. She takes you out onto a sort of balcony and signals for you to be quiet. Downstairs the ogre and a couple orcs in fancy dresses are sitting at the table where you found Grace. There is a huge meal spread out in front of them, it appears to be a roast horse. You have a moment of silence hoping that it is not your horse.
There is a staircase leading down into the room, but it's pretty obvious. You might be able to jump, but the landing would hurt a lot.
> Check Inventory: Rope
You start pawing through your pockets for rope, but quite conveniently, the first pocket you check contains a long skein of it. You notice the rope is purring and thank the changeling yet again.
> Use changeling to climb down thinking ONLY of rope.
You concentrate really hard on rope while Grace ties the end of the changeling to the balcony. You both then climb downwards quietly. It doesn't look like anyone has heard you!
> Think of a small rock and hope changeling takes that form.
You concentrate on a small rock, and the rope changes into a rock and drops to the floor with a soft clack. The rock is still purring a little, but the ogre and his buds seem to be arguing about ketchup. You're safe for now.
> Throw small rock high in air towards table.
> Think of something really damn heavy, like a whale, when the rock is above the ogre.
You pick up the little rock and launch it into the air softly. As the changeling flies through the air, you very quickly turn your thoughts towards the largest thing you can think of. Your brain quickly sorts through things like pianos, mountain ranges, and the last hooker you slept with before settling on the mental image of a whale. The whale is heavy enough that it immediately drops out of the sky and splats down on top of the orge and his running crew. There is a really very nasty sound, and then everything is quiet.
The whale is... well, it's not purring at you, it's making whale sounds, but you get the idea that it's quite pleased with itself.
It has, however, pressed you and Grace up against the wall together.
> Make ridiculous small talk while you have a captive audience.
"So," you say to Grace, "that was pretty exhilirating, wasn't it?"
"I don't think your whale can breathe," she deadpans, and it's that moment when you realize that the self-satisfied whale song has turned into a raspy-sounding gurgle.
> Think of kitty again!
You think of the kitty, and it reappears - standing proudly on top of what used to be an ogre. God, that's fucking disgusting.
> Clean ogre paste off of kitty
What would you like to use?
> Are the tapestries on the walls free of monster pieces?
Yes, in fact, they are. Mostly. The one of the three-headed dragon is kind of nasty, but the others are "clean". Where "clean" means "not covered in ogre bits".
> Use a "clean" tapestry to get rid of the ogre chunks on kitty
You grab a tapestry and wipe the changeling kitty free of goo. It purrs at you, and you scratch it behind the ears for a while as a thank-you for taking care of that ogre problem. This is pretty entertaining, so a few minutes later you're surprised when you look up and Grace is poking at the ogre's remains with her sword. She seems to have found the intestines. You feel sick again.
> Say "Stop poking the dead ogre! Did you find the jewels yet?"
"That's what I'm looking for!" Grace snaps, but she seems more upset than anything. "They have to be in here somewhere. He had them. I know he did."
> He ate his own jewels? Explain!
"They must have been on the table or in his pocket or something," Grace says. "But I can't even find his pockets anymore." It is pretty nasty, you admit. But at least you didn't have to fight the guy.
> Be happy you didn't eat since the last time you puked
> Help look for jewels
You dive into the pile of gore, tentatively. Luckily for you, a major squashing doesn't ruin clothing, so once you find an edge of the ogre's weird dress thing, you pull it out of the pile of goo and organs and lay it on the ground. Grace immediately starts going through the pockets. She finds:
- 10 GP
- A bottle of potion, unmarked
- A dead spider
- Lipstick
- Lip gloss
- A very fashionable portable mirror
- Three large jewels
- A tooth
- A chocolate bar (in a ziplock bag, so it's not gross)
- A strange-looking pill jar
Grace immediately takes the jewels and heads over to the corner, probably to clean them off. Would you like to take anything else?
> Take everything remaining except the dead spider, lipstick and gloss
You sweep everything into your massive and totally available pockets. The changeling kitty eats the lip gloss, but nothing exciting happens.
> Ask Grace if there is anything else she needs here or if we can leave
Grace is in the corner doing something strange with the jewels.
> Gulp
> Walk over to Grace slowly and see what she is doing
You're fairly nervous about the fact that Grace isn't paying any attention to you any more. Nervous, and also offended. You did just kill an ogre for the bitch. You approach her slowly to see what is so much more interesting than you. Grace has pulled something out of a pocket and is currently putting all of the jewels in it. It looks like a long rod, or stick, or a wand maybe.
> Demand to know what the wand thingy is
"It IS a wand," Grace says, not looking up. "And these are the royal jewels, and I finally have them back."
> Wander to the other side of the room closest to the door, knowing full well she's going to be 3 jewels short.
"Wait a minute," Grace says finally, "I need the rest of the jewels that we found yesterday." She looks up at you, only to see that you're over by the door. "No, Sir Hilldo, you just don't understand," she starts, giving you a really hot smile. "Won't you give me those jewels? If I don't put them in the wand, the magic won't work."
You're so confused, you're not really sure whether she's talking about real magic or a vibrator.
> Tell me more of this magic of which you speak
Grace sighs, looks away, and says finally: "Look, I'm on this... quest, okay? I'm sorry, I can't tell you everything about it. And I lied to you, kind of. I'm a princess of ... somewhere. I have to use this stupid wand to break a spell. The problem is that I don't know how. And then that ogre kidnapped me and stole all of the jewels. I'm sorry I made you think you were rich... but if you keep them, I'm totally screwed."
She's giving you the puppy-dog eyes, dammit all.
> Give her jewels, they probably aren't worth much anyway.
> Against better judgement, offer to help.
Grace looks surprised as you approach her and hand her the remaining three jewels. Pleasantly surprised, that is. She snatches them from you, but then stands up and gives you a quick kiss as a thank-you. You're so dazed by this that you barely notice her slipping the last three jewels into her vibrator. It lights up instantly - at least she wasn't lying about that.
"Maybe I could help you out," you hear yourself say before you even think about it.
"Are you sure?" Grace asks. "I wouldn't want to put you in any danger. Well," she adds with a wink, "not too much, anyway."
> Answer yes: cocky (perhaps reminding her you killed an ogre without even getting touched)
"I wouldn't worry," you say, throwing your shoulders back. "I managed to take care of that ogre fairly easily, and you were worried about that."
"Yeah," Grace says sarcastically, looking at the ogre goo on her hands. "By the way, thanks." She wipes her hands on your armor.
"Anyway," you say, reminding yourself that you can just make her clean the armor again tomorrow, "I'm willing to go with you. Me and the cat." Kitty Kitty may or may not be eating ogre remains. You're not sure, and you really don't want to look closely.
"I -" Grace says, but then she thinks better of it. "Thanks, then."
> Ask if there is anything else worth taking in the lair.
"Probably," Grace says excitedly. "In the library, there's a locked room. I think it's where he keeps his treasure. if we can get in there, I wouldn't feel so bad about ripping you off!"
> Mumble about another way she could repay you.
> Have her lead the way.
You decide to keep your mouth shut about the many other ways she could repay you that are currently running through your mind. If you're really going to help her on her quest thingy, well - quests take time! Lots of time! There's a much better chance for you to score if you don't piss her off. (You wonder, vaguely, why you're putting up with so much crap from this one woman when you could've bought yourself ten women with those jewels. Then you remind yourself of the anti-STD charm.)
Grace leads you through a door behind one of the tapestries into the library. There is like only one book in this library. It's a picture book called "Oggy the Ogre Goes to the Seashore." The rest of the shelves are pretty dusty. At the end of the hall is a door. Grace tries the handle, waves her wand, and then tries kicking the door down. It rattles a bit, but nothing moves.
"Dammit," she says.
> Try the key you took off the orc outside on the door
You fumble around your pockets, trying not to look like you're groping yourself. Eventually you find that key you took off the drunken orc. You try it. Gosh be darned, it fits! You are one lucky camper. The lock clicks.
> Open the door!!!
You open the door... and for a couple seconds you think you have died and gone to heaven. The room is full of gold. And I mean full. There is a metric shit-ton of gold in this room. Weapons, coins, just big gigantic pieces of gold - you name it, it's in here. Grace claps her hands. The kitty walks over and swallows a golden egg. You are fucking ecstatic.
> Instruct Grace to grab the most valuable items
> Do the same
> Close and lock the door, you can come back later for the rest.
Grace stuffs her pockets and pouches (and bra, perhaps, although you'll wait to check until later) with gold pieces while you pick up all the golden coins and ingots you can find. The changeling eats another golden egg. Finally, you find the most awesome thing in the world: a huge golden sword. You decide to take that too.
You leave and lock the door behind you. Hopefully the orcs will stay the fuck away from here now that the ogre is dead - it would be nice to have an inexhaustible treasure trove for the next time you have to bail yourself out of jail.
> Head back to where horse may or may not still be
Triumphantly, you head back outside, where your trusty steed is waiting for you. Man, this really just seems to be your day, doesn't it? You non-sexually mount the horse and pull Grace up behind you. For a second, you feel like a real knight. Then you remember that every time you feel like a real knight, something comes along to bite you in the ass. You shake your head and just try really hard to continue thinking of kitties.
- - -
And, in an awkward abuse of my awesome paid-account powers, I present you with the Sir Hilldo Poll!
Poll Sir Hilldo Demands It!