JanNoWriMo, Sir Hilldo, and more!
Yes, that's right! It's another ACTION-PACKED POST FROM SEV.
JanNoWriMo, my fake NaNo to make up for the fact that November always sucks a nut for writing in my personal schedule, will officially start Monday, Jan 07. Because I say so! Also because a lot of the players will be gone this weekend at Ohayocon. Although if you want to start right now, go ahead! You're awesome.
The point of JanNoWriMo is basically to write as many words as you can! I will be starting with HNtDB and bottle-of-shine's country music cowboy bodyguard porn (NAY A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! PORN FOR YOU AS SOON AS I CAN!) and then moving into origific. There's no 50K goal; there's no 50K limit. We're just writing words. Set your own goal and come write with me; I need people to cheer me on. XD
AND ON THAT NOTE
IT'S THE NEXT CHAPTER OF SIR HILLDO
OVER FIVE WEEKS LATE
THIS ONE'S FOR JENNYCLARINET! Who is hot.
Penis Text Adventures, Part III
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, some shitty orcs, a mysterious girl, a surprisingly cute pet, and drunks!
Summary: In which a plot takes over and all of you invariably get bored and tell us to STFU and/or go back to being funny. Sir Hilldo defends his slut maiden's honor, amuses the townsfolk, and gets a kitty!
- - -
That night you dream of all your favorite things...Maidens...Damsels...Wenches...Waifs...Wenches on Damsels on Maidens on Waifs. You'd like to pretend that this is the fault of the ancient viagra you took, but really this is the same dream you have pretty much every night.
You awake naked for a second time in as many days, but at least this time you are dry in your bed, or at least you should be. You find yourself dripping wet on the floor. Standing above you is your new best friend, holding an empty bucket. "Must've been one hell of a dream you were having." She says. "Between you moaning and groaning, and being strapped to the desk I barely slept."
You notice her glance down towards your rod of happiness. "Not bad," she winks. "I'll be in the tavern eating breakfast. Meet me there when you are ready." She drops the bucket and walks out the door.
> Stare at her ass
You stare at her ass as she walks out the door. It's awfully nice, which reminds you of why you didn't just leave her back in the dungeon.
> Check desk to figure out how the hell she got untied
Still naked, you walk over to the desk. There you find your bondage gear all stacked up in a neat little pile. None of the straps appear to be damaged, so it's unclear how she freed herself from the desk. As you look around the room, you notice it's a lot cleaner then it was when you went to sleep the night before. "Did she clean in here?" You mumble to yourself.
> Find clothing!
Your suit of armor is in the corner of the room, looking extra shiny. Do you wish to put it on?
> EXTRA SHINY!
> Y
You put your armor on, going commando as usual, and proceed to spend the next 5 minutes watching the way light shines off of it. The armor is so clean people are going to be fooled into thinking you are actually a reputable knight.
> Go find some food
You head down to the tavern, but instead of your usual treatment of getting the door slammed in your face they let you right in. Over in the corner is your lady friend, who is being hit on by the larger of the town guards from yesterday.
> Debate hitting guard in the face for flirting with Traitorous Bitch
You consider hitting the guard for flirting with the deceptive whore. You're pretty sure he's the one that hit you in the face with a shield yesterday too, so you definitely owe him one. However, assaulting a guard, even when he's being a wank, will be a great way to end up back in jail. Do you want to lay some smack down on the guard?
> N
> Sigh
> Get food instead
You decide against hitting the guard. You sigh, but secretly take a sick pleasure in seeing the woman who caused you so much trouble the day before having to deal with the guard's unwanted advances.
You sit down at the bar and are offered the following choices of food:
Pancakes
Mutton
Small Child
Sausage
Beer
Chocolate in the shape of what looks like two horses having sex
Biscuits
Vanilla Pudding
Which of these would you like to eat?
> Order pancakes, beer, pony chocolate, and pudding. Oh and a sausage.
You order your pancakes, beer, horse chocolate, pudding and some sausage.
Your food is ready, do you want to eat all of it now or save some for later?
> Save chocolate
> Start chowing down on the rest
You put the chocolate in your pocket, and chow down the rest of the food like a homeless guy at a buffet. You instruct the barkeep to put this food on your tab, at which point he says, "Yeah, about that. You might want to pay some of that off being that you owe me 50 gold for food and rent."
You only have 3 gold, but you do have some shiny jewels that you were going to pawn. The barkeep seems to be distracted as the guard and your lady friend are starting to cause a scene. You hear her yell, "I've already got a man, and he's bigger and stronger than you! In fact, he's right over there!" Of course she's pointing right at you.
> Promise to pay bill later
> Grab food and go to retrieve bitch
You look at the barkeep and say "I'll call you," mixing up your excuses. Either way, you've left him completely confused. You make haste towards the strumpet, grab her and head for the door.
You are no more than one step outside when the horny guard grabs your arm and says, "Just where *hic* do you think you're going with my lady?" He takes a swing at you and misses pathetically as he is quite drunk. A small crowd that was standing outside sees this, and yells "SIR HILLDO AND THE GUARD ARE FIGHTING" which causes an even larger crowd to gather.
> Poll crowd to see if you could get some sweet treasure by fighting the guard for their amusement
You push the guard over causing him fall to the ground unharmed. You yell to the crowd "I'm not going to fight this guard, unless the price is right."
The crowd talks among itself, and comes with their first offer. "We'll give you ten gold," a toothless man in the crowd shouts at you. The guard is still trying to pick himself off the ground, and doing a lousy job of it.
> Kick the guard and make a big show of it
> See if they will offer more money
With one hand raised in the air, you give the guard a kick in the stomach while the crowd goes "OHHHHHHHHH!" The blow looked a lot worse than it really was, since the guard was already flopping around like a retarded fish anyway.
You stop, look over the crowd and begin to walk away. "I don't think this is really worth my while for only 10 gold. You're going to have to do a lot better than that." You say.
The crowd talks amongst themselves again, whispering away. After a minute of deliberation, captain noteeth shouts, "We'll pay your bartab!"
> Accept
> Do some fancy wrestling move on the drunken guard, like one of those elbow drop things
You accept their offer, and wait while one of them hurriedly goes inside to pay the tab. Once he returns, you shout "Prepare for total annihilation!" You assist the guard to his feet and proceed to fake punch him a few times all the while grabbing him by the hair. When the crowd stops cheering for that you knock him to the ground again and give him the flying elbow right in the chest. The guard rolls over, pukes a bit, and proceeds to pass out moreso from the alcohol then any pain delivered by you.
The crowd shouts "HILLDO! HILLDO!" but you can't help notice that some other guards have come into the vicinity. Might be a good time to leave.
> Send bitch around quick asking for tips
> Head somewhere safe
The bitch attempts to get some tips for you, but most of the men say they won't give her anything unless she shows them some tits or shakes her ass or something. She doesn't appear to be willing to do so, so you grab her and head back behind the tavern where your horse is.
You are now behind the Tavern.
> Ask bitch why she is still hanging around
How would you like to ask?
> Help ask
Help Ask
Modifiers
-Angrily, ex. Bitch why you still here?
-Covertly, ex. Wow you look nice today oh and by the way why are you still here?
-Sarcastically, ex. To what do I owe the pleasure of your extended company?
-Sexually, Try to nail her, and ask sometime during the act.
-getaphonecall, Be annoyed by co-worker when trying to write (only a valid command if you have a phone and co-workers)
-nicely, ex. Hey, whatsyourname, tell me about you.
-rhetorically, ex. I know why you're still here, it's cause you think I'm hot!
-signlanguage, Attempts to ask using sign language
-guilttrip, ex. You could tell me why you're still here, after all its not like I saved you from a big mean ogre or anything.
-beataroundbush, Talk about everything except what you actually want to know.
More commands are available, but they are not documented here.
> Ask bitch why she's still here: Sarcastically
You look the bitch straight in the eye. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your extended company? Are you sad that your first attempt to rob me failed, and so you are sticking around to try again, or what?"
She matches your gaze, and says, "If I wanted to rob you, I could've done it already and been gone while you were still busy humping the floor in your sleep. Even though I played the role of the damsel in distress with the ogre, I am hardly that. But I digress, I'm still around because I feel grateful for you giving me a second chance after I tried to rob you, that and I've got nowhere else to go. So if you don't want me around, tell me to go. Otherwise, I think we might make a pretty good team."
Do you want to ask the bitch to leave?
> Nah, if she doesn't hate me there's at least a 50% chance i'll get laid
> Ask bitch's name: Covertly
Even with all that's happened the last day, you've still managed to keep your eyes on the prize. The prize of course being something nice for you to get on top of at your convenience. Do something else heroic in front of this girl and you'll have her open from 7-7 like 7/11, you think to yourself.
You soften your gaze a bit. "You can stay for the time being. We should probably figure out where were going to go right after you tell your name."
She looks down at the ground. "My name...is not important."
You reply, "Ok Not Important, unless you want me calling you Not Important every time I need to address you, you might want to consider giving me your real name."
"Fine", she says. "It's Grace."
> Ask Grace if she wants to go on a tour of the town. Wink wink.
You ask her if she wants to take a tour of the town, to which she reminds you that weren't you trying to hide from some guards? She's also still looking towards the ground, so you could wink until your eyes fall out and she's not going to see it.
> Search map: somewhere decently fun and pretty that will cheer her up, and also maybe romantic enough that you'll be able to cop a feel. Preferably without orcs.
The most fun place nearby, based on your definition of fun, is the brothel, but that is not at all romantic or pretty, depending on how much you are willing to spend. It is orc free.
The prettiest place is a waterful a few miles south of the town. Whether or not it is fun depends on how fun you find a waterfall to be. Most likely it is orc free.
The most romantic place would be your bed, but then again your definition of romance may be a little different than hers. You sure as shit hope it is orc free though!
The place most likely to cheer her up would be anywhere with beer, that is if she's anything like you.
There may be other locations too, so if these are no good you can always look harder.
> Ask if she wants to go get a drink, now that you're a team, or if she'd rather wander
> Try to stop looking at her ass
You discuss with her your next move, how you could either have a drink commemorating your new parternership, or wander. Her answer? "Why not do both?" She says, pulling two bottles of the Cock Goblin Inn's finest brew out, handing one to you. It's still cold even, which you find somewhat strange but some things you just shouldn't question. You toast each other, and both take a sip. Delicious.
You both decide that in order to wander effectively, you should get your horse (who is conveniently grazing nearby). You outstretch one hand, allowing her to lead the way just so you can get another good look at her ass. Yup, still nice. You try your best to stop looking at those two fine hams, but any time it is in view your eyes seem to think it's a lot better to look at than, say, the two orcs hiding in the bushes on your left.
> Why the fuck are there orcs?
You manage to tear your eyes away from Grace's ass and begin staring at the Orcs instead. The Orcs look nervously at each other, and you hear one of them go "That's him, he's the one the boss is looking for."
> Aw, fuck
> Estimate chances of orcs following us if we jump on Horsey and run like hell
You curse under your breath, and Grace turns to look and also notices the Orcs, although she hardly seems phased. This may not be a natural reaction for someone who was supposedly held captive by Orcs, but really you don't know enough about her imprisonment to form much of an opinion.
You estimate the chances of the Orcs following you as pretty close to 0. It didn't take you very long to figure this out, as they are trying, rather clumsily, to sneak away in the opposite direction. You've killed a pretty large number of Orcs in your day, perhaps they know of your reputation. Or they could just be giant vaginas.
> Knock an orc on the head and drag him off for questioning
The orcs are a good distance away from you, and they'd probably get away if you chased them on foot. Instead of using your horse, you decide to chug your beer, and attempt to peg one with the bottle. The bottle is a thing of beauty as it flies through the air, and one orc turns around just in time for it to hit him between the eyes. The sound he makes is almost comical, kind of what you would expect if you poked an otter with a stick. Either way, he hits the ground as his orc buddy high tails it away.
You walk over to him, and proceed to drag him out into the open to question.
What questions would you like to ask the orc?
> Why are they looking for me?
> Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?
You look at the orc and say "Why are they looking for me!"
The orc replies "I'll never tell you," and attempts to spit at you, but gravity causes it to simply fall back in his face.
Looks like he may need a little convincing.
You don't bother with the second question for the time being.
> Threaten him with something (either the sword, or the bitch)
You decide to threaten the orc with your sword to start with, you point it at him and mention all the horrible things you could do to him, none of which involve raping him as you are not an orc raper.
The orc just looks up at you and says, "Do your worst, it'll still be better than what the master would do to me if he knew I told you."
You can hear Grace moving around behind you, you turn and look and she holds her hand out asking for your sword.
Do you give it to her, meaning the sword.
> Why not.
You give Grace the sword. You watch, first in horror, and then in mild arousal as she proceeds to cut one of the orc's hands off. You take a step back to avoid getting orc goo on you. After a few minutes of continued mutilation, what's left of the orc is now ready to co-operate.
"They are looking for you for what you did to the Ogre. He's mad, mostly because you ruined his beautiful Ogre face, but also because you took his prize." He points at Grace with the remaining stump of an arm. "There is a large bounty out for you, all the jewels you managed not to take. Once my Orc Cohort returns, everyone will know you are here. You might want to consider getting out of here."
The orc proceeds to start making sounds like he is dying, with obvious good reason. You expect him to die quickly, but he's really dragging it out trying to win an Oscar or something. You grow weary of this, and proceed to stab him in the head. The orc is no more.
> Get rid of nasty orc body
> Ask Grace whether the pleasure of her company is really worth more than all those shiny jewels.
You toss the pieces/parts of the orc into a nearby bush, getting a few gold off of his corpse.
You turn to ask Grace, but she is bent over wiping some orc goo off of her leg. Your question is answered without even asking. All the jewels in the world are nothing compared to a nice piece of damsel ass. This proves once again that you are nothing but a sucker when it comes to females.
> Tell Grace you're willing to protect her, "be her knight", whatever (aka Score some brownie points)
You offer your "services" as a brave knight to help keep her safe. She gets a smirk on her face, and gives you a quick kiss.
"You're going to need me just as much as I need you. We're going to have to face a lot worse than orcs. Monsters really like shiny things after all, and will do anything to get them. We should hide somewhere before any more monsters find us."
> SCORE!! ACTION!
> Head to the local hiding-spot that you use when the town gets a little too fed up with your constant public drunkenness
In your mind, you do a fist pump, reminding yourself that you are still the man.
You non-sexually mount your horse, and help Grace aboard. You head to a shop near the edge of town, labeled with the sign "Klaus Von Yachsteins Custom Mailboxes." Since there is no such thing as mail at this point, no one needs a mailbox. This was just a random name you came up with in your head, to serve as half hangover recovery nest, half love nest.
You unlock the door and head inside. It is dark, and you could've sworn you heard voices.
> Check to make sure other people aren't using your love nest, because that's just nasty
You light a nearby lamp, and notice a teenage boy and girl cowering in the corner, somewhat clothed and hoping you aren't noticing them. They get an F in hiding.
You also can't help but notice they have about 12 bottles of beer, that are seemingly untouched.
> Kick the kids out, but totally keep the beer as a fair price for not kicking their asses
You walk over to the kids, proceeding to usher them out the door. You are nice enough to actually let them get dressed before kicking them out, you must be in a good mood. You look at the beer they left, "Whore's Lite", for the hooker watching her figure. Damn. You curse the kids under your breath.
Grace has settled in on one of your couches, a shiny red looking one that is so ugly it may just be cool. Or it could just be ugly.
> Look around
You look around the room, which mostly resembles a run down old shop. There are multiple couches, a table complete with half ate food from the last time you were here, chairs, a bed in the back corner where the teens previously were, and a fireplace. There is also a large tapestry featuring your likeness on it, with a naked woman on a bear rug. This was made by one of your many previous love interests. There is also a beat up guitar in the corner next to a chest of drawers.
There are three doors out of the room, one the way you came in, one leading to what passes for a bathroom, and anothers leads behind the building.
The room is eerily quiet, this side of town doesn't have a lot of commerce this time of day. You get the feeling either something really good or really bad is about to happen. You cross your fingers and hope for good.
> Drink a beer and offer Grace one
You drink one of the beers. It's delicious, if you find the taste of watered down urine to be delicious. You grab two more beers and walk over to Grace. She grabs one out of your hand, and proceeds to down it.
"If you're trying to get me drunk, we're going to need a lot more than 12 bottles of this cheap shit," She says, winking at you.
> Search house for whiskey? Or if not, find Grace a weapon.
You look around the room for whiskey, finding none in plain sight. You walk over to the chest of drawers, as you may have hidden some in there. Your about to open one of the drawers when you hear a rattling coming from inside.
You think to yourself, maybe it's a kitten, but you know better. Even you wouldn't put a kitten in a drawer.
You also look under the bed, but don't find any whiskey. You do find a mace though. You decide to keep it for yourself and give your long sword to Grace.
> KITTY KITTY KITTY
> Just kidding
> Check for armor, or magic, or any shit that might be useful against a big ass ogre
You grab the guitar from next to the chest of drawers and begin to sing:
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty
Touch it!
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty
Touch it!
You stop when you notice Grace looking at you funny. Apparently the world just isn't ready for this type of musical genius just yet.
There was a shield under your bed. For some reason you remember it as attracting more attention then it was worth. Other items under the bed are a pair of swamp boots, a couple of bugs, a painting of a creepy looking child, and a box full of old maps.
You aren't able to really cast any magic other than the occasional heal spell or cure poison, and you have those spells memorized. Cure poison works especially good on a hangover, and heal is good for the herpes. You seem to recall trading your spellbook for beer at some point.
You are ignoring the rattling in the chest of drawers, it seems to have gotten louder since you sang about kitties. Even Grace has noticed it, and has stood up, sword in one hand, another beer in the other. She's drank about 4 in the time it took you to look around the room.
> Grab another beer, for courage
> Peek into the drawer and hope really hard that it's a kitty
You grab another beer, take a swig, and then just down the whole thing. You obviously aren't drinking fast enough, as this beer tastes worse than the first. Grace is now giving you a wtf look, her hand pointing at the chest of drawers. You give her a look back that says, be patient woman.
You walk over to the chest of drawers, the sound is getting louder. You hear an animal noise, unfortunately it sounds nothing like a cat. You close your eyes and think please be a kitty please please please.
You open the drawer.
Before you even know what happened, you are dead, of cuteness that is. It actually is a kitten. "Why the fuck is there a kitten in the drawer!" You say to yourself. The kitten is just laying there, chewing on things in the drawer. This is when you remember that this is the drawer with all your magical reagents in it from when you had aspirations of being a spellcaster. However you gave that up quickly as you are just too unmotivated to learn any spell that takes longer than an hour. Kitty Kitty must've been in there for awhile, as an entire drawer full of mandrake root, ginseng, garlic, blood moss etc. etc. is practically empty. You aren't sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet.
> Pick up Kitty Kitty
You pick up the kitten, and hold it up so Grace can see it. The kitten purrs with delight at you holding it.
"That's a lot better than what I thought was going to be in there." Grace says. "I thought it was going to be a gremlin or somethi..." her mouth drops.
You look back at what you are holding. You are now holding a not so happy looking Gremlin.
> MAKE THE KITTY COME BACK.
> Or: pet gremlin?
You think of kitties again, and the gremlin in your hand becomes a kitten again. Apparently you now possess some sort of shape shifting being. You pet the kitty and it meows at you, lovingly. Now the question of what to do with this creature?
> Help: Kitty - Will it be useful in battle?
Help Kitty - Will it be useful in battle
No information is available on this specific topic. The help listed below is for the topic Changeling Creatures and their usefulness
Written within the ancient texts of the land are myths about creatures able to change form. While most of these myths are wildly different from each other, there are a few things that the myths tend to agree on. They are discussed here.
First and foremost, a creature raised on magical reagents from birth could possibly show signs of being able to change form. This was tried numerous times as experiments on young children, but usually humans are unable to survive as certain magical reagents are toxic in large amounts. It is usually in animals that this was successful, but the animal has to be strong enough to survive a hostile change to it's system.
This breed of changelings has certain limitations. If the changeling does not continue to ingest reagents frequently, it will lose the ability to change and return to it's orginal form. Worse yet, if the changeling is an animal that has some form of ESP or Telapathic Abilities, it will change forms to become what the master wishes it to be. This may not seem like a problem, except for the changeling believing everyone is it's master. As a result, using a changeling to attack could be beneficial but only if the person being attacked doesn't know that it can simply change it's attackers form with it's thoughts. Changelings do not necessarily love any one master even though they may favor one over another, and their loyalties also quickly shift. It's best to take very good care of a changeling if you have it.
Do not change your changeling into something tasty and eat it, it could prove fatal no matter how tasty you make it.
End of help.
> Feed chocolate from breakfast to Gremlin Kitty
You try to give some chocolate to the kitty, but it does not take any. It's probably full from all the magic herbs and spices it ate. You pat the kitty on the head instead and it purrs.
> See if Grace wants to pet the kitty
You hold the kitty out to let Grace pet it. She rubs the kitty's head and it purrs a bit, but then hisses at her. You look at your new pet, shake your head no, and let her pet it again. The kitty seems to be better this time.
"It's fairly cute. We'll have to watch what thoughts we direct at it though, we don't want to create an evil monster in our midst."
> Continue to think of kitties, and make sure you've got everything useful from the house.
You set the kitty down, and proceed to go through the chest of drawers. You clean out the remainder of magical reagents for the kitty, and look through the rest of the drawers. Other than some random clothes, they are mostly empty. Other than the beer, which Grace has already picked up, the only other useful item is the shield underneath the bed. You pull it out and are reminded why it is underneath the bed. Written in large letters on the front it says "I will give you Herpes, or worse." You decide to take it anyway, as you are pretty sure most monsters aren't able to read. You aren't going to equip it for now.
Grace looks at you, and says "What's our next move? We've only been hiding for an hour and it feels like a lifetime. I couldn't live the rest of my life like this."
> Ask Grace if she'd rather go after the ogre directly
> Make mental note to clean house before bringing chicks here
"Do you think we should just go after the Ogre?" You say. "No more ogre, and more importantly, his jewels, means no more bounty on us."
"That's probably not a bad idea. Unless it's a trap, of course, and he's expecting us to come after him directly."
You decide that the next time you're here, if you plan on getting any lovin you might want to at least get rid of the God knows how old food on the table. You also remember the carpet from the Ogre's dungeon, and decide to put it in here.
> Check one of your old maps for a sneaky way to get to the ogre
You go through your box of old maps, most of which are relating to old trade routes and information from old mining companies. On one of the mining maps, you notice that the ogre's cave has a mine shaft that would go directly into the top floor. This of course, is located up a sizable hill, commonly called a mountain, so it would be a bit of a challenge to get to. This is assuming that it even still exists, it's pretty hard to fill a mine shaft and all but it could be sealed off in some way. So really your choices are a direct fight or climb a mountain in hopes of finding a shaft to penetrate into the ogre's lair. You are a fan of penetration, but not so much of climbing. Perhaps there is a better way to get there without the whole climbing deal.
> Ask Grace if she knows a way to sneak into Casa de Ogre
Grace says that she doesn't know of a secret entrance, but if you can get into the main entrance you could head down the ominous dark stairway that you avoided previously. For some reason the monster's don't like going down there, and it leads to a way up to the top floor where the ogre is located. You'd have to fight a bit, but once you get to the stairway you'd be golden, other than the fact that all the monsters will know you are down there.
She also says that the Ogre did not employ much in the way of monsters for defense purposes. You basically killed half of his force the last time you were there, so it may not even be that challenging to get in the front entrance to Ogreville.
> Put Kitty Gremlin in pocket and head off towards Ogreville like a REAL hero!
You rub the kitty on the head and place him in a warm pocket with the magical reagents. That should keep him happy. You decide that just hanging around isn't going to take care of the bounty on your head, and that no matter which course of action you take, you have to get near Ogreville first. You grab your horse, and head towards Ogreville with Grace behind you on your horse. Your whole journey there, one thought remains in your head.
I hope this bitch doesn't betray me again.
- - -
Sometimes I make me laugh.
JanNoWriMo, my fake NaNo to make up for the fact that November always sucks a nut for writing in my personal schedule, will officially start Monday, Jan 07. Because I say so! Also because a lot of the players will be gone this weekend at Ohayocon. Although if you want to start right now, go ahead! You're awesome.
The point of JanNoWriMo is basically to write as many words as you can! I will be starting with HNtDB and bottle-of-shine's country music cowboy bodyguard porn (NAY A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! PORN FOR YOU AS SOON AS I CAN!) and then moving into origific. There's no 50K goal; there's no 50K limit. We're just writing words. Set your own goal and come write with me; I need people to cheer me on. XD
AND ON THAT NOTE
IT'S THE NEXT CHAPTER OF SIR HILLDO
OVER FIVE WEEKS LATE
THIS ONE'S FOR JENNYCLARINET! Who is hot.
Penis Text Adventures, Part III
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, some shitty orcs, a mysterious girl, a surprisingly cute pet, and drunks!
Summary: In which a plot takes over and all of you invariably get bored and tell us to STFU and/or go back to being funny. Sir Hilldo defends his slut maiden's honor, amuses the townsfolk, and gets a kitty!
- - -
That night you dream of all your favorite things...Maidens...Damsels...Wenches...Waifs...Wenches on Damsels on Maidens on Waifs. You'd like to pretend that this is the fault of the ancient viagra you took, but really this is the same dream you have pretty much every night.
You awake naked for a second time in as many days, but at least this time you are dry in your bed, or at least you should be. You find yourself dripping wet on the floor. Standing above you is your new best friend, holding an empty bucket. "Must've been one hell of a dream you were having." She says. "Between you moaning and groaning, and being strapped to the desk I barely slept."
You notice her glance down towards your rod of happiness. "Not bad," she winks. "I'll be in the tavern eating breakfast. Meet me there when you are ready." She drops the bucket and walks out the door.
> Stare at her ass
You stare at her ass as she walks out the door. It's awfully nice, which reminds you of why you didn't just leave her back in the dungeon.
> Check desk to figure out how the hell she got untied
Still naked, you walk over to the desk. There you find your bondage gear all stacked up in a neat little pile. None of the straps appear to be damaged, so it's unclear how she freed herself from the desk. As you look around the room, you notice it's a lot cleaner then it was when you went to sleep the night before. "Did she clean in here?" You mumble to yourself.
> Find clothing!
Your suit of armor is in the corner of the room, looking extra shiny. Do you wish to put it on?
> EXTRA SHINY!
> Y
You put your armor on, going commando as usual, and proceed to spend the next 5 minutes watching the way light shines off of it. The armor is so clean people are going to be fooled into thinking you are actually a reputable knight.
> Go find some food
You head down to the tavern, but instead of your usual treatment of getting the door slammed in your face they let you right in. Over in the corner is your lady friend, who is being hit on by the larger of the town guards from yesterday.
> Debate hitting guard in the face for flirting with Traitorous Bitch
You consider hitting the guard for flirting with the deceptive whore. You're pretty sure he's the one that hit you in the face with a shield yesterday too, so you definitely owe him one. However, assaulting a guard, even when he's being a wank, will be a great way to end up back in jail. Do you want to lay some smack down on the guard?
> N
> Sigh
> Get food instead
You decide against hitting the guard. You sigh, but secretly take a sick pleasure in seeing the woman who caused you so much trouble the day before having to deal with the guard's unwanted advances.
You sit down at the bar and are offered the following choices of food:
Pancakes
Mutton
Small Child
Sausage
Beer
Chocolate in the shape of what looks like two horses having sex
Biscuits
Vanilla Pudding
Which of these would you like to eat?
> Order pancakes, beer, pony chocolate, and pudding. Oh and a sausage.
You order your pancakes, beer, horse chocolate, pudding and some sausage.
Your food is ready, do you want to eat all of it now or save some for later?
> Save chocolate
> Start chowing down on the rest
You put the chocolate in your pocket, and chow down the rest of the food like a homeless guy at a buffet. You instruct the barkeep to put this food on your tab, at which point he says, "Yeah, about that. You might want to pay some of that off being that you owe me 50 gold for food and rent."
You only have 3 gold, but you do have some shiny jewels that you were going to pawn. The barkeep seems to be distracted as the guard and your lady friend are starting to cause a scene. You hear her yell, "I've already got a man, and he's bigger and stronger than you! In fact, he's right over there!" Of course she's pointing right at you.
> Promise to pay bill later
> Grab food and go to retrieve bitch
You look at the barkeep and say "I'll call you," mixing up your excuses. Either way, you've left him completely confused. You make haste towards the strumpet, grab her and head for the door.
You are no more than one step outside when the horny guard grabs your arm and says, "Just where *hic* do you think you're going with my lady?" He takes a swing at you and misses pathetically as he is quite drunk. A small crowd that was standing outside sees this, and yells "SIR HILLDO AND THE GUARD ARE FIGHTING" which causes an even larger crowd to gather.
> Poll crowd to see if you could get some sweet treasure by fighting the guard for their amusement
You push the guard over causing him fall to the ground unharmed. You yell to the crowd "I'm not going to fight this guard, unless the price is right."
The crowd talks among itself, and comes with their first offer. "We'll give you ten gold," a toothless man in the crowd shouts at you. The guard is still trying to pick himself off the ground, and doing a lousy job of it.
> Kick the guard and make a big show of it
> See if they will offer more money
With one hand raised in the air, you give the guard a kick in the stomach while the crowd goes "OHHHHHHHHH!" The blow looked a lot worse than it really was, since the guard was already flopping around like a retarded fish anyway.
You stop, look over the crowd and begin to walk away. "I don't think this is really worth my while for only 10 gold. You're going to have to do a lot better than that." You say.
The crowd talks amongst themselves again, whispering away. After a minute of deliberation, captain noteeth shouts, "We'll pay your bartab!"
> Accept
> Do some fancy wrestling move on the drunken guard, like one of those elbow drop things
You accept their offer, and wait while one of them hurriedly goes inside to pay the tab. Once he returns, you shout "Prepare for total annihilation!" You assist the guard to his feet and proceed to fake punch him a few times all the while grabbing him by the hair. When the crowd stops cheering for that you knock him to the ground again and give him the flying elbow right in the chest. The guard rolls over, pukes a bit, and proceeds to pass out moreso from the alcohol then any pain delivered by you.
The crowd shouts "HILLDO! HILLDO!" but you can't help notice that some other guards have come into the vicinity. Might be a good time to leave.
> Send bitch around quick asking for tips
> Head somewhere safe
The bitch attempts to get some tips for you, but most of the men say they won't give her anything unless she shows them some tits or shakes her ass or something. She doesn't appear to be willing to do so, so you grab her and head back behind the tavern where your horse is.
You are now behind the Tavern.
> Ask bitch why she is still hanging around
How would you like to ask?
> Help ask
Help Ask
Modifiers
-Angrily, ex. Bitch why you still here?
-Covertly, ex. Wow you look nice today oh and by the way why are you still here?
-Sarcastically, ex. To what do I owe the pleasure of your extended company?
-Sexually, Try to nail her, and ask sometime during the act.
-getaphonecall, Be annoyed by co-worker when trying to write (only a valid command if you have a phone and co-workers)
-nicely, ex. Hey, whatsyourname, tell me about you.
-rhetorically, ex. I know why you're still here, it's cause you think I'm hot!
-signlanguage, Attempts to ask using sign language
-guilttrip, ex. You could tell me why you're still here, after all its not like I saved you from a big mean ogre or anything.
-beataroundbush, Talk about everything except what you actually want to know.
More commands are available, but they are not documented here.
> Ask bitch why she's still here: Sarcastically
You look the bitch straight in the eye. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your extended company? Are you sad that your first attempt to rob me failed, and so you are sticking around to try again, or what?"
She matches your gaze, and says, "If I wanted to rob you, I could've done it already and been gone while you were still busy humping the floor in your sleep. Even though I played the role of the damsel in distress with the ogre, I am hardly that. But I digress, I'm still around because I feel grateful for you giving me a second chance after I tried to rob you, that and I've got nowhere else to go. So if you don't want me around, tell me to go. Otherwise, I think we might make a pretty good team."
Do you want to ask the bitch to leave?
> Nah, if she doesn't hate me there's at least a 50% chance i'll get laid
> Ask bitch's name: Covertly
Even with all that's happened the last day, you've still managed to keep your eyes on the prize. The prize of course being something nice for you to get on top of at your convenience. Do something else heroic in front of this girl and you'll have her open from 7-7 like 7/11, you think to yourself.
You soften your gaze a bit. "You can stay for the time being. We should probably figure out where were going to go right after you tell your name."
She looks down at the ground. "My name...is not important."
You reply, "Ok Not Important, unless you want me calling you Not Important every time I need to address you, you might want to consider giving me your real name."
"Fine", she says. "It's Grace."
> Ask Grace if she wants to go on a tour of the town. Wink wink.
You ask her if she wants to take a tour of the town, to which she reminds you that weren't you trying to hide from some guards? She's also still looking towards the ground, so you could wink until your eyes fall out and she's not going to see it.
> Search map: somewhere decently fun and pretty that will cheer her up, and also maybe romantic enough that you'll be able to cop a feel. Preferably without orcs.
The most fun place nearby, based on your definition of fun, is the brothel, but that is not at all romantic or pretty, depending on how much you are willing to spend. It is orc free.
The prettiest place is a waterful a few miles south of the town. Whether or not it is fun depends on how fun you find a waterfall to be. Most likely it is orc free.
The most romantic place would be your bed, but then again your definition of romance may be a little different than hers. You sure as shit hope it is orc free though!
The place most likely to cheer her up would be anywhere with beer, that is if she's anything like you.
There may be other locations too, so if these are no good you can always look harder.
> Ask if she wants to go get a drink, now that you're a team, or if she'd rather wander
> Try to stop looking at her ass
You discuss with her your next move, how you could either have a drink commemorating your new parternership, or wander. Her answer? "Why not do both?" She says, pulling two bottles of the Cock Goblin Inn's finest brew out, handing one to you. It's still cold even, which you find somewhat strange but some things you just shouldn't question. You toast each other, and both take a sip. Delicious.
You both decide that in order to wander effectively, you should get your horse (who is conveniently grazing nearby). You outstretch one hand, allowing her to lead the way just so you can get another good look at her ass. Yup, still nice. You try your best to stop looking at those two fine hams, but any time it is in view your eyes seem to think it's a lot better to look at than, say, the two orcs hiding in the bushes on your left.
> Why the fuck are there orcs?
You manage to tear your eyes away from Grace's ass and begin staring at the Orcs instead. The Orcs look nervously at each other, and you hear one of them go "That's him, he's the one the boss is looking for."
> Aw, fuck
> Estimate chances of orcs following us if we jump on Horsey and run like hell
You curse under your breath, and Grace turns to look and also notices the Orcs, although she hardly seems phased. This may not be a natural reaction for someone who was supposedly held captive by Orcs, but really you don't know enough about her imprisonment to form much of an opinion.
You estimate the chances of the Orcs following you as pretty close to 0. It didn't take you very long to figure this out, as they are trying, rather clumsily, to sneak away in the opposite direction. You've killed a pretty large number of Orcs in your day, perhaps they know of your reputation. Or they could just be giant vaginas.
> Knock an orc on the head and drag him off for questioning
The orcs are a good distance away from you, and they'd probably get away if you chased them on foot. Instead of using your horse, you decide to chug your beer, and attempt to peg one with the bottle. The bottle is a thing of beauty as it flies through the air, and one orc turns around just in time for it to hit him between the eyes. The sound he makes is almost comical, kind of what you would expect if you poked an otter with a stick. Either way, he hits the ground as his orc buddy high tails it away.
You walk over to him, and proceed to drag him out into the open to question.
What questions would you like to ask the orc?
> Why are they looking for me?
> Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?
You look at the orc and say "Why are they looking for me!"
The orc replies "I'll never tell you," and attempts to spit at you, but gravity causes it to simply fall back in his face.
Looks like he may need a little convincing.
You don't bother with the second question for the time being.
> Threaten him with something (either the sword, or the bitch)
You decide to threaten the orc with your sword to start with, you point it at him and mention all the horrible things you could do to him, none of which involve raping him as you are not an orc raper.
The orc just looks up at you and says, "Do your worst, it'll still be better than what the master would do to me if he knew I told you."
You can hear Grace moving around behind you, you turn and look and she holds her hand out asking for your sword.
Do you give it to her, meaning the sword.
> Why not.
You give Grace the sword. You watch, first in horror, and then in mild arousal as she proceeds to cut one of the orc's hands off. You take a step back to avoid getting orc goo on you. After a few minutes of continued mutilation, what's left of the orc is now ready to co-operate.
"They are looking for you for what you did to the Ogre. He's mad, mostly because you ruined his beautiful Ogre face, but also because you took his prize." He points at Grace with the remaining stump of an arm. "There is a large bounty out for you, all the jewels you managed not to take. Once my Orc Cohort returns, everyone will know you are here. You might want to consider getting out of here."
The orc proceeds to start making sounds like he is dying, with obvious good reason. You expect him to die quickly, but he's really dragging it out trying to win an Oscar or something. You grow weary of this, and proceed to stab him in the head. The orc is no more.
> Get rid of nasty orc body
> Ask Grace whether the pleasure of her company is really worth more than all those shiny jewels.
You toss the pieces/parts of the orc into a nearby bush, getting a few gold off of his corpse.
You turn to ask Grace, but she is bent over wiping some orc goo off of her leg. Your question is answered without even asking. All the jewels in the world are nothing compared to a nice piece of damsel ass. This proves once again that you are nothing but a sucker when it comes to females.
> Tell Grace you're willing to protect her, "be her knight", whatever (aka Score some brownie points)
You offer your "services" as a brave knight to help keep her safe. She gets a smirk on her face, and gives you a quick kiss.
"You're going to need me just as much as I need you. We're going to have to face a lot worse than orcs. Monsters really like shiny things after all, and will do anything to get them. We should hide somewhere before any more monsters find us."
> SCORE!! ACTION!
> Head to the local hiding-spot that you use when the town gets a little too fed up with your constant public drunkenness
In your mind, you do a fist pump, reminding yourself that you are still the man.
You non-sexually mount your horse, and help Grace aboard. You head to a shop near the edge of town, labeled with the sign "Klaus Von Yachsteins Custom Mailboxes." Since there is no such thing as mail at this point, no one needs a mailbox. This was just a random name you came up with in your head, to serve as half hangover recovery nest, half love nest.
You unlock the door and head inside. It is dark, and you could've sworn you heard voices.
> Check to make sure other people aren't using your love nest, because that's just nasty
You light a nearby lamp, and notice a teenage boy and girl cowering in the corner, somewhat clothed and hoping you aren't noticing them. They get an F in hiding.
You also can't help but notice they have about 12 bottles of beer, that are seemingly untouched.
> Kick the kids out, but totally keep the beer as a fair price for not kicking their asses
You walk over to the kids, proceeding to usher them out the door. You are nice enough to actually let them get dressed before kicking them out, you must be in a good mood. You look at the beer they left, "Whore's Lite", for the hooker watching her figure. Damn. You curse the kids under your breath.
Grace has settled in on one of your couches, a shiny red looking one that is so ugly it may just be cool. Or it could just be ugly.
> Look around
You look around the room, which mostly resembles a run down old shop. There are multiple couches, a table complete with half ate food from the last time you were here, chairs, a bed in the back corner where the teens previously were, and a fireplace. There is also a large tapestry featuring your likeness on it, with a naked woman on a bear rug. This was made by one of your many previous love interests. There is also a beat up guitar in the corner next to a chest of drawers.
There are three doors out of the room, one the way you came in, one leading to what passes for a bathroom, and anothers leads behind the building.
The room is eerily quiet, this side of town doesn't have a lot of commerce this time of day. You get the feeling either something really good or really bad is about to happen. You cross your fingers and hope for good.
> Drink a beer and offer Grace one
You drink one of the beers. It's delicious, if you find the taste of watered down urine to be delicious. You grab two more beers and walk over to Grace. She grabs one out of your hand, and proceeds to down it.
"If you're trying to get me drunk, we're going to need a lot more than 12 bottles of this cheap shit," She says, winking at you.
> Search house for whiskey? Or if not, find Grace a weapon.
You look around the room for whiskey, finding none in plain sight. You walk over to the chest of drawers, as you may have hidden some in there. Your about to open one of the drawers when you hear a rattling coming from inside.
You think to yourself, maybe it's a kitten, but you know better. Even you wouldn't put a kitten in a drawer.
You also look under the bed, but don't find any whiskey. You do find a mace though. You decide to keep it for yourself and give your long sword to Grace.
> KITTY KITTY KITTY
> Just kidding
> Check for armor, or magic, or any shit that might be useful against a big ass ogre
You grab the guitar from next to the chest of drawers and begin to sing:
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty
Touch it!
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty
Touch it!
You stop when you notice Grace looking at you funny. Apparently the world just isn't ready for this type of musical genius just yet.
There was a shield under your bed. For some reason you remember it as attracting more attention then it was worth. Other items under the bed are a pair of swamp boots, a couple of bugs, a painting of a creepy looking child, and a box full of old maps.
You aren't able to really cast any magic other than the occasional heal spell or cure poison, and you have those spells memorized. Cure poison works especially good on a hangover, and heal is good for the herpes. You seem to recall trading your spellbook for beer at some point.
You are ignoring the rattling in the chest of drawers, it seems to have gotten louder since you sang about kitties. Even Grace has noticed it, and has stood up, sword in one hand, another beer in the other. She's drank about 4 in the time it took you to look around the room.
> Grab another beer, for courage
> Peek into the drawer and hope really hard that it's a kitty
You grab another beer, take a swig, and then just down the whole thing. You obviously aren't drinking fast enough, as this beer tastes worse than the first. Grace is now giving you a wtf look, her hand pointing at the chest of drawers. You give her a look back that says, be patient woman.
You walk over to the chest of drawers, the sound is getting louder. You hear an animal noise, unfortunately it sounds nothing like a cat. You close your eyes and think please be a kitty please please please.
You open the drawer.
Before you even know what happened, you are dead, of cuteness that is. It actually is a kitten. "Why the fuck is there a kitten in the drawer!" You say to yourself. The kitten is just laying there, chewing on things in the drawer. This is when you remember that this is the drawer with all your magical reagents in it from when you had aspirations of being a spellcaster. However you gave that up quickly as you are just too unmotivated to learn any spell that takes longer than an hour. Kitty Kitty must've been in there for awhile, as an entire drawer full of mandrake root, ginseng, garlic, blood moss etc. etc. is practically empty. You aren't sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet.
> Pick up Kitty Kitty
You pick up the kitten, and hold it up so Grace can see it. The kitten purrs with delight at you holding it.
"That's a lot better than what I thought was going to be in there." Grace says. "I thought it was going to be a gremlin or somethi..." her mouth drops.
You look back at what you are holding. You are now holding a not so happy looking Gremlin.
> MAKE THE KITTY COME BACK.
> Or: pet gremlin?
You think of kitties again, and the gremlin in your hand becomes a kitten again. Apparently you now possess some sort of shape shifting being. You pet the kitty and it meows at you, lovingly. Now the question of what to do with this creature?
> Help: Kitty - Will it be useful in battle?
Help Kitty - Will it be useful in battle
No information is available on this specific topic. The help listed below is for the topic Changeling Creatures and their usefulness
Written within the ancient texts of the land are myths about creatures able to change form. While most of these myths are wildly different from each other, there are a few things that the myths tend to agree on. They are discussed here.
First and foremost, a creature raised on magical reagents from birth could possibly show signs of being able to change form. This was tried numerous times as experiments on young children, but usually humans are unable to survive as certain magical reagents are toxic in large amounts. It is usually in animals that this was successful, but the animal has to be strong enough to survive a hostile change to it's system.
This breed of changelings has certain limitations. If the changeling does not continue to ingest reagents frequently, it will lose the ability to change and return to it's orginal form. Worse yet, if the changeling is an animal that has some form of ESP or Telapathic Abilities, it will change forms to become what the master wishes it to be. This may not seem like a problem, except for the changeling believing everyone is it's master. As a result, using a changeling to attack could be beneficial but only if the person being attacked doesn't know that it can simply change it's attackers form with it's thoughts. Changelings do not necessarily love any one master even though they may favor one over another, and their loyalties also quickly shift. It's best to take very good care of a changeling if you have it.
Do not change your changeling into something tasty and eat it, it could prove fatal no matter how tasty you make it.
End of help.
> Feed chocolate from breakfast to Gremlin Kitty
You try to give some chocolate to the kitty, but it does not take any. It's probably full from all the magic herbs and spices it ate. You pat the kitty on the head instead and it purrs.
> See if Grace wants to pet the kitty
You hold the kitty out to let Grace pet it. She rubs the kitty's head and it purrs a bit, but then hisses at her. You look at your new pet, shake your head no, and let her pet it again. The kitty seems to be better this time.
"It's fairly cute. We'll have to watch what thoughts we direct at it though, we don't want to create an evil monster in our midst."
> Continue to think of kitties, and make sure you've got everything useful from the house.
You set the kitty down, and proceed to go through the chest of drawers. You clean out the remainder of magical reagents for the kitty, and look through the rest of the drawers. Other than some random clothes, they are mostly empty. Other than the beer, which Grace has already picked up, the only other useful item is the shield underneath the bed. You pull it out and are reminded why it is underneath the bed. Written in large letters on the front it says "I will give you Herpes, or worse." You decide to take it anyway, as you are pretty sure most monsters aren't able to read. You aren't going to equip it for now.
Grace looks at you, and says "What's our next move? We've only been hiding for an hour and it feels like a lifetime. I couldn't live the rest of my life like this."
> Ask Grace if she'd rather go after the ogre directly
> Make mental note to clean house before bringing chicks here
"Do you think we should just go after the Ogre?" You say. "No more ogre, and more importantly, his jewels, means no more bounty on us."
"That's probably not a bad idea. Unless it's a trap, of course, and he's expecting us to come after him directly."
You decide that the next time you're here, if you plan on getting any lovin you might want to at least get rid of the God knows how old food on the table. You also remember the carpet from the Ogre's dungeon, and decide to put it in here.
> Check one of your old maps for a sneaky way to get to the ogre
You go through your box of old maps, most of which are relating to old trade routes and information from old mining companies. On one of the mining maps, you notice that the ogre's cave has a mine shaft that would go directly into the top floor. This of course, is located up a sizable hill, commonly called a mountain, so it would be a bit of a challenge to get to. This is assuming that it even still exists, it's pretty hard to fill a mine shaft and all but it could be sealed off in some way. So really your choices are a direct fight or climb a mountain in hopes of finding a shaft to penetrate into the ogre's lair. You are a fan of penetration, but not so much of climbing. Perhaps there is a better way to get there without the whole climbing deal.
> Ask Grace if she knows a way to sneak into Casa de Ogre
Grace says that she doesn't know of a secret entrance, but if you can get into the main entrance you could head down the ominous dark stairway that you avoided previously. For some reason the monster's don't like going down there, and it leads to a way up to the top floor where the ogre is located. You'd have to fight a bit, but once you get to the stairway you'd be golden, other than the fact that all the monsters will know you are down there.
She also says that the Ogre did not employ much in the way of monsters for defense purposes. You basically killed half of his force the last time you were there, so it may not even be that challenging to get in the front entrance to Ogreville.
> Put Kitty Gremlin in pocket and head off towards Ogreville like a REAL hero!
You rub the kitty on the head and place him in a warm pocket with the magical reagents. That should keep him happy. You decide that just hanging around isn't going to take care of the bounty on your head, and that no matter which course of action you take, you have to get near Ogreville first. You grab your horse, and head towards Ogreville with Grace behind you on your horse. Your whole journey there, one thought remains in your head.
I hope this bitch doesn't betray me again.
- - -
Sometimes I make me laugh.