Penis Text Adventure, Part II!
OK, hilldo and I are apparently super fucking retarded. Super!
Penis Text Adventures, Part II
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, some shitty orcs, a mysterious girl, and a huge ass ogre
Summary: In which things actually happen and a plot appears! Fireballs, jewels, and battle! Oh, and there might have been some cucumber rape.
You enter the dungeon and look around.
Ahead of you is a long corridor with what might be slightly moldy carpet; it is lit by a few candles and leads around a corner. To your right is a spiral staircase, covered in cobwebs and leading down into absolute darkness. To your left is what appears to be an evil coat rack, with a pile of evil little shoes sitting next to it. Behind the (gross) pile of shoes is what looks like a closet door.
> Examine evil coat rack
The evil coat rack looks old and rather rusty. There are maybe a dozen tiny (evil) coats hanging from various hooks. The hooks appear to be pretty sharp on the end. As you step closer to check it out, you catch a whiff of an unbelievably bad smell.
> Check Breath
You puff breath into your hand to make sure it's not you. Your breath does smell a little bit like old cookie dough, but it smells nothing like the nasty funk you're picking up.
> Move shoes in pile using long sword
You nudge the pile of shoes a little bit with your weapon - yep, that's definitely where the nasty smell is coming. A couple of the little shoes fall off the top of the pile, and your sword hits something surprisingly solid. Unfortunately, it seems to be in the middle of the disgusting shoe-pile.
> Plug Nose
> Search Shoe Pile
You take a deep breath, plug your nose, and dive into the pile of shoes. At the bottom you find a slimy gold piece, and a particularly rancid-looking metal key. There is also something that looks like mold with an STD, but you leave that for now.
Would you like to take these items?
> Yes, except the one with the STD.
You put the gold piece and the key into one of the 800 pockets in your armor, making sure that it's one of the pockets that shuts really well. Only then do you step away and unplug your nose.
+1 GP
> Open Closet Door
You open the door behind the coat rack, expecting to find more evil coats and maybe another smelly shoe pile. To your surprise, there is a rickety-looking ladder behind the door. It leads downward, into a hole in the floor.
> Climb down ladder without taking any precautions that a knight in a dungeon should
You grab the ladder and start climbing down without even looking. It turns out that the ladder is missing a rung, and you end up falling the last 10 feet. You hit the ground with a pretty solid "thud", which probably dents your armor. Your head hurts, and your ass feels bruised (although not like that one time with the rogue and the cucumber).
> Fondly remember the time with the FEMALE rogue and cucumber!
It had been a dark, rainy night, and (like all of your memories) you were drunk. You'd been serenading the tavern with your favorite bawdy tales about large-breasted wenches when a strong arm had suddenly pulled you aside into a hallway. Since your senses were unbelievably impaired, you decided to agreeably follow this shadowy person into a nearby room.
Turns out the shadowy person was a buxom elvish rogue, who wanted to have her way with you. In your drunken stupor, this sounded like the best idea ever. It wasn't until you were tied to the bed that you realized she'd meant "in the elvish way" - which meant your ass was getting the, um, pounding.
In retrospect, you're not really sure whether it was a male or female elf, they kind of all look alike anyway.
> Ignore head pain
> Look Around
You are sprawled on the floor in a small, square-shaped room. The walls are lined with workbenches, which are covered with an odd variety of equipment. It looks like some kind of weird laboratory. To your right there is a hallway. The carpet underneath you is pink, and it's pretty soft.
> Make note to self to put this kind of carpet in den
> Question Sexuality
You admire the texture and fibers of the carpet, making a note to remember it - this color would look great in the den at your house. A part of you wonders where this interest in interior decorating came from. You frantically try to recall a huge pair of tits to convince yourself that you are not gay.
Ahhh, that's better.
> Examine Lab Equipment
You get up and take a walk around the small room. One bench is full of - well, they're either torture devices, or somebody has some really kinky sex fetishes. The next bench contains some sloppily-labeled bottles of chemicals in various colours; some are bubbling prettily. The next bench has something boiling over a small flame - it's probably something you shouldn't touch.
> Search Pretty Potions: Headache Cure
The potions on the bench are labeled as follows:
- H2SO4, with a little skull-and-crossbones next to it
- Ancient Viagra
- Ye Olde Advil
- Magical Dragon Blood
- "?????"
- Alcohol
What would you like to do?
> Drink ?????, I like surprises!
You take the bottle labeled "?????" and take a nice long swig. It tastes pretty nasty, like some kind of fake cherry flavor. For a few seconds nothing happens, then all of a sudden you feel excrutiating pain in your teeth. When you open your mouth, something hot and fiery comes out. You can now spit fireballs!
You're still in pain, though.
> Pick up rest of potions
> Run down hall looking for something to spit fireballs at!
You grab the rest of the potions and run down the hall, cackling gleefully as you go. The end of the hallway opens up into a long room, containing about a dozen beds. From the nearest one, a really ugly orc looks up at you sleepily.
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo!"
You shout, "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo!" Unfortunately for you, several fireballs dribble out of your mouth and bounce lazily down the length of the room, forming a smoldering pile at the end of the long row of beds. Now there are several orcs looking at you rather confusedly. Also, the room might be on fire.
They do not seem interested in you in that way.
> Fireball nearest orc
> Run back down hall.
You spit a series of fireballs at the nearest orc, who starts screaming and writhing in bed as the flames envelop him. Cruel, really - he was only a child. You then turn and run back down the hall. You find yourself back in the lab with the fabulous pink carpet.
> Climb up ladder mindful of missing rung
You quickly climb up the ladder, being a little more careful this time, you dumbass. You are back in the entryway to the dungeon, and everything looks the same, only this time there is a faint smell of smoke.
> Follow moldy carpet down hallway
You take off down the hallway in front of you. It turns a few corners and then opens up into a large room. In the middle of the room there is a long table, and sitting at the head of it is a woman. She doesn't appear to have seen you yet.
> Face away from her and try to talk without breathing fire
You turn away from her and duck back into the hallway, opening your mouth experimentally. A single fireball comes out and bounces down the hallway, where it fizzles out on the mold. The fireballs seem to be getting weaker. There may be a chance you can quench that horrible burning in your teeth with something.
> Drink Ancient Viagra
You drink the bottle of Ancient Viagra. The burning sensation slowly dies down until your mouth feels back to normal. However, you are suddenly reminded of the fact that you're not wearing any underwear under your armor.
You can no longer spit fireballs.
> Hope erection lasts no longer than 4 hours.
> Go back into the room with the woman and the table and stuff.
You are back in the room with the long table. This time, the woman happens to glance up. She seems fairly surprised to see you.
> Examine woman
The woman before you has long, dark hair and fairly bright eyes. She is wearing a fancy dress with a long black cloak, and she looks like she's got some money, because the clothes are of nice quality and fairly clean. You estimate that she's a 34B. She might be fairly hot, but right now she's looking at you like you're a ghost.
> Issue non-lewd salutation to woman
You greet the woman with a faint wave, because it's the only non-profane suggestion coming to mind. Her jaw drops. "A-are you real?" she asks, standing up slowly. Yeah, she's fairly hot. "Are you here to rescue me?"
> Ask "What is keeping you here?"
"What is keeping you here?" you ask. You are very alarmed when her eyes suddenly fill up with tears. "There is a terrible ogre who owns this place," she says. "He kidnapped me and is keeping me here to marry him. Please, sir, you must help me escape." She is sobbing now, which makes this kind of awkward.
> Ask "Just how terrible is this Ogre? Like really terrible or just kind of an average terrible?"
"He's horrible!" the woman wails. "He smells like moldy cheese, and he's disgustingly fat. Oh, and he will bite off your -" She flushes and waves a hand towards your crotchal region, reminding you yet again that maybe drinking that ancient Viagra wasn't the world's greatest idea.
> Against better judgement offer to help
You take a deep breath, cursing your internal weakness towards beautiful women, and offer to help her.
Her face lights up. "Thank you, kind sir!" she cries, and you and your raging boner notice that she has a very pretty mouth. She gestures you to come closer, and this is when you notice the giant chain around her ankle. The chain runs to a padlock, which is attached to the stone wall.
"He keeps me chained here," she says, gesturing at the chain. "The only time the orcs let me out is when I have to pee."
> Check room for hiding places
You glance around the room. There is a long table in the middle of the room, with a lot of tiny little (evil) chairs. Across from you, a very large staircase leads upwards. To your left is another table, pushed up against the wall. To the right are a couple hanging tapestries, all of which depict a large ogre inflicting painful damage upon the manhoods (menhood?) of other brave knights. You wince.
> Tell woman to call guards
> Half assedly hide behind tapestry
You choose the least-offensive tapestry and duck behind it, trying to flatten yourself against the wall. Your feet are still sticking out, and your armor is kind of chafing, but you think it might work. The woman dutifully rattles her chain and calls out, "Excuse me? Guards!"
Three orcs appear from a small opening in the wall that you didn't even notice. One of them is smoking a little. All three smell pretty nasty.
"I have to use the facilities," the woman says nervously.
"Well, you can't," one of the orcs says. "We've lost the key."
> Come out of hiding and clear throat loudly.
You step out from behind the tapestry and clear your throat loudly. All three of the orcs turn to you, surprised.
"Blimey!" one of them cries - the one who still smells like burning. "That's the bloke from the cellar! He lit our beds on fire!"
"Bloody hell," says another orc, pulling out a nasty-looking flail. "Let's get him."
"That's all you," says the third orc, who then vanishes through the opening in the wall.
> Do best impression of how you looked when you were about to spit a fireball
You open your mouth, trying to look fierce. The first orc quails and vanishes down the hole as well. However, the second orc - the one with the flail - growls and steps towards you.
> Attack orc
You swing at the orc with your sword, striking him in the arm. He screams, and swings the flail at you. It hits your leg, and you are knocked back a little bit. One more swing, and the orc goes down, splashing nasty orc blood all over you.
+10 exp
> Take flail
You pick up the flail. It's a little worn, but it might come in handy. You wipe the nastiness off of it and stick it into your butt pocket (it folds).
> Check corpse for anything else useful that isn't an orc body part
You molest the corpse a little bit while the woman gives you an odd look. Eventually you come up with a piece of gold.
+1 GP
> Use rancid metal key to unlock new friend
You pull the key out of your pocket victoriously, and the woman gives you one of those "why didn't you say that sooner" looks. You, however, are used to getting all kinds of nasty looks from women, so you ignore her and unlock the padlock. The chain falls free from her ankle and her eyes flash momentarily as she smiles.
"Finally," she says, "I'm free. Thank you, brave knight."
> Ask if she is the grateful type.
"Oh, you are interested in a reward?" The lady smiles kindly at you. "I know for a fact that Sir Ogre keeps a chest of jewels in his bedroom. He has shown them to me, to try and get me to marry him. I can take you to them, if you will protect me from him, as payment for your services."
On one hand, that wasn't exactly what you were asking about. On the other hand, jewels are shiny and probably good to have, and the bedroom might not be a bad place to end up. You seem to have a bit of a dilemma.
> Ask her to show you the way.
The woman smiles. "Of course," she says. You follow her up the huge-ass staircase, realizing that if that's how big the ogre really is, you might have a problem. You then follow her down a hallway and up another flight of stairs. At the top of the stairs, she turns to you.
"These are his quarters," she whispers. "His bedroom is the first room on the right. I don't know what room he is in, though, so it might be best if you go first."
> Listen for noise inside first room on right.
You cannot hear anything.
> Slowly enter the room.
You slowly creep into the room. The ogre's bedroom is a mess. The bed is enormous, and piled with some very soft-looking furs. You don't see any signs of ogre, so you gesture to your new friend. She comes in, slowly.
"They are in a treasure chest about this big," she says, gesturing. "I do not know where it is. We will have to search."
> Search under bed for goodies
You bend down to check under the bed, ignoring the pinching on your crotch as you do so. Yes! There's a very fancy-looking treasure chest under the bed. You pull it out, and as you stand up, you feel something sharp against your neck. It may or may not be a knife.
> Say "I knew I should've left you locked up" hoping that it's the girl and not the ogre.
"You probably should have," she replies - you were right. "Now give me my treasure."
It appears that you may have been backstabbed by a hot bitch.
> Check location of Bitch
The WOMAN is standing directly behind you, holding a small knife to your neck.
> Attempt to reason with so-called woman.
How would you like to reason with her?
> Help Reason with Woman
Reason with Woman: Modifiers
Tearfully - hope she'll pity you because you're a wuss of a man
Angrily - scare that bitch into behaving like she should
Crazily - Say something wacky and hope she runs away
Chocolate - Obviously she's on the rag, offer her chocolate (Note: only works with item: Chocolate)
Forcefully - in some states this is illegal
Logically - try to argue or debate your way out, women love conversation
Romantically - Confess undying love to her
Bargain - Offer her something shiny, bribe her, etc
> Reason with Woman -crazily
"I like pie," you say. "And sometimes, spiders give me the twitchies."
The woman behind you jolts, although the knife stays at your throat. "What in the world is wrong with you?" she asks. "Hand over the treasure."
"Somewhere over the rainbow," you start to sing, and when you think she's suitably distracted, you spin yourself away from the knife.
Excellent work. Except that now you've got an angry bitch with a knife between you and the door.
> Pick teeth with sword
> Encourage her to run while she still has use of her legs.
You attempt to raise your sword to your mouth, but the blade is too long, and you end up simply bashing yourself in the nose with it.
"You'd better run," you say through your bruised face, "while you can still use your legs."
> Note to self, next time pick teeth with a dagger instead.
Duly noted.
> Ask "Why aren't you running?"
The woman smiles, and you wonder how she can be so smokin' hot with such an evil smile. "I'd like my treasure first," she says. "So give it to me, or I'll kill you."
> Moon Bitch
You unbuckle your armor and turn around, giving the woman a nice, healthy view of your nice, healthy ass.
"Augh!" she cries loudly, turning away. "My one weakness! Put it away, I swear I won't hurt you!"
Grinning, you pull your armor back up, ready to smack the bitch one for good measure and take off with the treasure. Unfortunately, you hear a loud booming coming from down the hall.
Fuck, she may have woken up the ogre.
> Use sword handle to knock her out.
> Hide under bed
Quickly, you hit the woman upside the head; she crumples to the floor, and you feel a small sense of satisfaction. This satisfaction quickly dissipates as you hear the ogre yelling something. You hide yourself under the bed.
The ogre enters the room. He seems to be distracted by the unconscious woman on the floor. He's sniffing her, for some reason. You feel momentarily guilty for setting her up for a nice round of ogre rape, but the bitch was probably asking for it.
Do you want to move, or wait?
> Wait to see the ogre's next move
The ogre growls. "Guards!" His voice is loud, and you are more than a little bit tempted to wet your pants and cry like a baby. Nevertheless, you manage to stay still. "Guards, get up here! Our prisoner is loose!"
The ogre picks up the hot bitch's knife and wanders out into the hallway to yell for more guards.
> Move two faced temptresses body under bed quickly
You reach out quickly and pull the woman under the bed with you. The movement might be waking her up a little, because she is murmuring something. Having her this close to you under the bed after taking that Ancient Viagra probably isn't the greatest situation ever. However, she is still mostly unconscious.
> Suppress urge to hump her face
> Make just enough noise to get the ogre's attention.
You ignore your body's physical urges, instead reaching out to shake the treasure chest. Something inside it rattles around rather loudly. You hear a grunting in the hallway, and before you know it, you're staring at some really ugly ogre feet.
"Where is she?" the ogre bellows, and you're really resisting the urge to pee your pants now.
> Using your best female sounding voice say "I'm under here, just dying to see my big pookie snookums face!"
Your female voice sounds like a dying frog, but the ogre seems to fall for it. You hear the floor creaking as he crouches down, and then suddenly the entire bed is lifted off of you as the ogre peeks underneath it.
> Throw H2SO4 potion at ogre's face
> Dive out from under bed before it's dropped on you.
You throw the potion into the ogre's face, and leap out from under the bed ninja-style, dragging the woman along with you. The ogre screams and drops the bed, but luckily it doesn't hit either one of you. The ogre is now running around the upstairs level screaming his head off; things look relatively confusing, which is probably good for you.
> Grab treasure
You pick up the mysterious box.
> Run out the door (girl included) towards the stairs
Dragging the she-bitch behind you, you make it through the hallway to the top of the stairs. The ogre is elsewhere, moaning at the top of its lungs as it thrashes around its rooms. Unfortunately a couple orcs have already shown up. You might be able to make it if you run, but right now your hands are full of girl and box, so you can't exactly fight them.
> Allow gravity to help girl down the stairs
> Equip Longsword
The girl's unconscious body tumbles down the stairs, and luckily for you, it takes out an orc! You equip your sword in your right hand, clutching the treasure box in your left.
There are two orcs in the hall behind you, between you and the ogre. On the stairs in front of you are another two.
> Throw Treasure Chest at one orc on stairs
> Rush at other stair orc and give him a right good stabbin.
You toss the treasure chest at the farthest orc, and while they are distracted, you stab the nearest orc through the heart with your sword. The treasure chest hits the first orc on the head and falls to the ground and bursts open. Jewels the size of your (balls) fists fly everywhere all over the stairwell. It looks like a shiny rainbow threw up in here or something.
> Grab as many jewels as you can while continuing to run down the stairs.
You take off down the stairs, managing to scoop up three or four of the gigantic jewels as you do so. You continue to run down the hallway and find yourself back in the large room where you first met that traitorous whore.
> Locate Traitorous Whore, she may be useful later if you know what I mean.
The woman, having rolled halfway across the room, is now sitting there kind of groggily and rubbing her head. You hear a couple really nasty curse words.
> Pick up woman and head towards dungeon exit.
You stick the jewels into one of the many pockets of your armor and drag the woman through the room, down the hallway, and to the very entrance of the dungeon. Thankfully it no longer smells like smoke.
> Examine std infected mold thing
You peer down at the strange piece of mold you'd found before. It smells like rotting hot dogs, and there is a very good chance that it has herpes. You've become very good at identifying herpes, these days.
> Debate the merits of leaving the traiterous bitch face down in something that smells bad and looks like herpes.
On the plus side, she certainly deserves it.
On the minus side, she might catch herpes, which means she wouldn't be available to you in that certain way.
On the plus side, she'd have herpes.
On the minus side, she wouldn't be able to come along with you unless you want a bitch with herpes in your party. (If you wanted her to.)
More? Y/N
> N
> Grab ass of unconscious girl
You reach down, roll her over, and grab her ass. It's pretty nice. You continue to squeeze as she mumbles a little.
> Pick up girl
> Exit Dungeon
You decide to take the two-faced whore with you - for now - and exit the dungeon.
Outside, it's starting to grow dark. There's a breeze out, which is fairly chilly. In the distance you can see the horse you rode to the dungeon; it appears to have waited for you, but it's probably hungry by now.
> Mount horse and head towards nearest good place to set camp for the night
You toss the girl up onto the horse and mount behind her. The horse seems to know where it's going, so you decide to trust it for now.
Eventually you see some lights in the distance. It looks like a campfire. You could easily avoid it if you wanted to get back to town and get some pussy. Then again, they might be nice people.
> Head towards town in hopes of avoiding ambushes and enjoying some female...companionship...yeah!
You turn away from the lights, pointing the horse back to town. Eventually you are on the outskirts of your old familiar town. You wave hello to the guards who pulled you out of jail this morning as you enter through the town gate.
> Try to remember where I live
You are currently renting a small room in the back of the tavern. However, after you spent three straight days drunk off your ass they might not be too happy to see you.
> Go there, sneak in...they can be dealt with in the morning.
You head around to the back of the tavern and dismount. The horse doesn't seem to want to go anywhere so you tell it to go get hay or some shit. You drag the weird lady through the back door and up into your room.
It's a small room, with one bed, a desk, and a dresser.
> Search room for something to tie queen lying bitch up with.
The top drawer of your dresser contains your fetish gear.
> Tie her down to the desk using fetish gear, making sure to ballgag her.
You tie your new best friend to various parts of the desk. You take particular pleasure in placing the ballgag on her, although it reminds you of that Ancient Viagra you took. You idly wonder when that shit is gonna wear off.
> Sleep like you're dead.
You remove all of your armor and fall into bed butt-naked. You're asleep before your head hits the pillow.
Fuck, dude. This thing is like 5000 words long and it is all going towards NaNo.
Penis Text Adventures, Part II
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, some shitty orcs, a mysterious girl, and a huge ass ogre
Summary: In which things actually happen and a plot appears! Fireballs, jewels, and battle! Oh, and there might have been some cucumber rape.
You enter the dungeon and look around.
Ahead of you is a long corridor with what might be slightly moldy carpet; it is lit by a few candles and leads around a corner. To your right is a spiral staircase, covered in cobwebs and leading down into absolute darkness. To your left is what appears to be an evil coat rack, with a pile of evil little shoes sitting next to it. Behind the (gross) pile of shoes is what looks like a closet door.
> Examine evil coat rack
The evil coat rack looks old and rather rusty. There are maybe a dozen tiny (evil) coats hanging from various hooks. The hooks appear to be pretty sharp on the end. As you step closer to check it out, you catch a whiff of an unbelievably bad smell.
> Check Breath
You puff breath into your hand to make sure it's not you. Your breath does smell a little bit like old cookie dough, but it smells nothing like the nasty funk you're picking up.
> Move shoes in pile using long sword
You nudge the pile of shoes a little bit with your weapon - yep, that's definitely where the nasty smell is coming. A couple of the little shoes fall off the top of the pile, and your sword hits something surprisingly solid. Unfortunately, it seems to be in the middle of the disgusting shoe-pile.
> Plug Nose
> Search Shoe Pile
You take a deep breath, plug your nose, and dive into the pile of shoes. At the bottom you find a slimy gold piece, and a particularly rancid-looking metal key. There is also something that looks like mold with an STD, but you leave that for now.
Would you like to take these items?
> Yes, except the one with the STD.
You put the gold piece and the key into one of the 800 pockets in your armor, making sure that it's one of the pockets that shuts really well. Only then do you step away and unplug your nose.
+1 GP
> Open Closet Door
You open the door behind the coat rack, expecting to find more evil coats and maybe another smelly shoe pile. To your surprise, there is a rickety-looking ladder behind the door. It leads downward, into a hole in the floor.
> Climb down ladder without taking any precautions that a knight in a dungeon should
You grab the ladder and start climbing down without even looking. It turns out that the ladder is missing a rung, and you end up falling the last 10 feet. You hit the ground with a pretty solid "thud", which probably dents your armor. Your head hurts, and your ass feels bruised (although not like that one time with the rogue and the cucumber).
> Fondly remember the time with the FEMALE rogue and cucumber!
It had been a dark, rainy night, and (like all of your memories) you were drunk. You'd been serenading the tavern with your favorite bawdy tales about large-breasted wenches when a strong arm had suddenly pulled you aside into a hallway. Since your senses were unbelievably impaired, you decided to agreeably follow this shadowy person into a nearby room.
Turns out the shadowy person was a buxom elvish rogue, who wanted to have her way with you. In your drunken stupor, this sounded like the best idea ever. It wasn't until you were tied to the bed that you realized she'd meant "in the elvish way" - which meant your ass was getting the, um, pounding.
In retrospect, you're not really sure whether it was a male or female elf, they kind of all look alike anyway.
> Ignore head pain
> Look Around
You are sprawled on the floor in a small, square-shaped room. The walls are lined with workbenches, which are covered with an odd variety of equipment. It looks like some kind of weird laboratory. To your right there is a hallway. The carpet underneath you is pink, and it's pretty soft.
> Make note to self to put this kind of carpet in den
> Question Sexuality
You admire the texture and fibers of the carpet, making a note to remember it - this color would look great in the den at your house. A part of you wonders where this interest in interior decorating came from. You frantically try to recall a huge pair of tits to convince yourself that you are not gay.
Ahhh, that's better.
> Examine Lab Equipment
You get up and take a walk around the small room. One bench is full of - well, they're either torture devices, or somebody has some really kinky sex fetishes. The next bench contains some sloppily-labeled bottles of chemicals in various colours; some are bubbling prettily. The next bench has something boiling over a small flame - it's probably something you shouldn't touch.
> Search Pretty Potions: Headache Cure
The potions on the bench are labeled as follows:
- H2SO4, with a little skull-and-crossbones next to it
- Ancient Viagra
- Ye Olde Advil
- Magical Dragon Blood
- "?????"
- Alcohol
What would you like to do?
> Drink ?????, I like surprises!
You take the bottle labeled "?????" and take a nice long swig. It tastes pretty nasty, like some kind of fake cherry flavor. For a few seconds nothing happens, then all of a sudden you feel excrutiating pain in your teeth. When you open your mouth, something hot and fiery comes out. You can now spit fireballs!
You're still in pain, though.
> Pick up rest of potions
> Run down hall looking for something to spit fireballs at!
You grab the rest of the potions and run down the hall, cackling gleefully as you go. The end of the hallway opens up into a long room, containing about a dozen beds. From the nearest one, a really ugly orc looks up at you sleepily.
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo!"
You shout, "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo!" Unfortunately for you, several fireballs dribble out of your mouth and bounce lazily down the length of the room, forming a smoldering pile at the end of the long row of beds. Now there are several orcs looking at you rather confusedly. Also, the room might be on fire.
They do not seem interested in you in that way.
> Fireball nearest orc
> Run back down hall.
You spit a series of fireballs at the nearest orc, who starts screaming and writhing in bed as the flames envelop him. Cruel, really - he was only a child. You then turn and run back down the hall. You find yourself back in the lab with the fabulous pink carpet.
> Climb up ladder mindful of missing rung
You quickly climb up the ladder, being a little more careful this time, you dumbass. You are back in the entryway to the dungeon, and everything looks the same, only this time there is a faint smell of smoke.
> Follow moldy carpet down hallway
You take off down the hallway in front of you. It turns a few corners and then opens up into a large room. In the middle of the room there is a long table, and sitting at the head of it is a woman. She doesn't appear to have seen you yet.
> Face away from her and try to talk without breathing fire
You turn away from her and duck back into the hallway, opening your mouth experimentally. A single fireball comes out and bounces down the hallway, where it fizzles out on the mold. The fireballs seem to be getting weaker. There may be a chance you can quench that horrible burning in your teeth with something.
> Drink Ancient Viagra
You drink the bottle of Ancient Viagra. The burning sensation slowly dies down until your mouth feels back to normal. However, you are suddenly reminded of the fact that you're not wearing any underwear under your armor.
You can no longer spit fireballs.
> Hope erection lasts no longer than 4 hours.
> Go back into the room with the woman and the table and stuff.
You are back in the room with the long table. This time, the woman happens to glance up. She seems fairly surprised to see you.
> Examine woman
The woman before you has long, dark hair and fairly bright eyes. She is wearing a fancy dress with a long black cloak, and she looks like she's got some money, because the clothes are of nice quality and fairly clean. You estimate that she's a 34B. She might be fairly hot, but right now she's looking at you like you're a ghost.
> Issue non-lewd salutation to woman
You greet the woman with a faint wave, because it's the only non-profane suggestion coming to mind. Her jaw drops. "A-are you real?" she asks, standing up slowly. Yeah, she's fairly hot. "Are you here to rescue me?"
> Ask "What is keeping you here?"
"What is keeping you here?" you ask. You are very alarmed when her eyes suddenly fill up with tears. "There is a terrible ogre who owns this place," she says. "He kidnapped me and is keeping me here to marry him. Please, sir, you must help me escape." She is sobbing now, which makes this kind of awkward.
> Ask "Just how terrible is this Ogre? Like really terrible or just kind of an average terrible?"
"He's horrible!" the woman wails. "He smells like moldy cheese, and he's disgustingly fat. Oh, and he will bite off your -" She flushes and waves a hand towards your crotchal region, reminding you yet again that maybe drinking that ancient Viagra wasn't the world's greatest idea.
> Against better judgement offer to help
You take a deep breath, cursing your internal weakness towards beautiful women, and offer to help her.
Her face lights up. "Thank you, kind sir!" she cries, and you and your raging boner notice that she has a very pretty mouth. She gestures you to come closer, and this is when you notice the giant chain around her ankle. The chain runs to a padlock, which is attached to the stone wall.
"He keeps me chained here," she says, gesturing at the chain. "The only time the orcs let me out is when I have to pee."
> Check room for hiding places
You glance around the room. There is a long table in the middle of the room, with a lot of tiny little (evil) chairs. Across from you, a very large staircase leads upwards. To your left is another table, pushed up against the wall. To the right are a couple hanging tapestries, all of which depict a large ogre inflicting painful damage upon the manhoods (menhood?) of other brave knights. You wince.
> Tell woman to call guards
> Half assedly hide behind tapestry
You choose the least-offensive tapestry and duck behind it, trying to flatten yourself against the wall. Your feet are still sticking out, and your armor is kind of chafing, but you think it might work. The woman dutifully rattles her chain and calls out, "Excuse me? Guards!"
Three orcs appear from a small opening in the wall that you didn't even notice. One of them is smoking a little. All three smell pretty nasty.
"I have to use the facilities," the woman says nervously.
"Well, you can't," one of the orcs says. "We've lost the key."
> Come out of hiding and clear throat loudly.
You step out from behind the tapestry and clear your throat loudly. All three of the orcs turn to you, surprised.
"Blimey!" one of them cries - the one who still smells like burning. "That's the bloke from the cellar! He lit our beds on fire!"
"Bloody hell," says another orc, pulling out a nasty-looking flail. "Let's get him."
"That's all you," says the third orc, who then vanishes through the opening in the wall.
> Do best impression of how you looked when you were about to spit a fireball
You open your mouth, trying to look fierce. The first orc quails and vanishes down the hole as well. However, the second orc - the one with the flail - growls and steps towards you.
> Attack orc
You swing at the orc with your sword, striking him in the arm. He screams, and swings the flail at you. It hits your leg, and you are knocked back a little bit. One more swing, and the orc goes down, splashing nasty orc blood all over you.
+10 exp
> Take flail
You pick up the flail. It's a little worn, but it might come in handy. You wipe the nastiness off of it and stick it into your butt pocket (it folds).
> Check corpse for anything else useful that isn't an orc body part
You molest the corpse a little bit while the woman gives you an odd look. Eventually you come up with a piece of gold.
+1 GP
> Use rancid metal key to unlock new friend
You pull the key out of your pocket victoriously, and the woman gives you one of those "why didn't you say that sooner" looks. You, however, are used to getting all kinds of nasty looks from women, so you ignore her and unlock the padlock. The chain falls free from her ankle and her eyes flash momentarily as she smiles.
"Finally," she says, "I'm free. Thank you, brave knight."
> Ask if she is the grateful type.
"Oh, you are interested in a reward?" The lady smiles kindly at you. "I know for a fact that Sir Ogre keeps a chest of jewels in his bedroom. He has shown them to me, to try and get me to marry him. I can take you to them, if you will protect me from him, as payment for your services."
On one hand, that wasn't exactly what you were asking about. On the other hand, jewels are shiny and probably good to have, and the bedroom might not be a bad place to end up. You seem to have a bit of a dilemma.
> Ask her to show you the way.
The woman smiles. "Of course," she says. You follow her up the huge-ass staircase, realizing that if that's how big the ogre really is, you might have a problem. You then follow her down a hallway and up another flight of stairs. At the top of the stairs, she turns to you.
"These are his quarters," she whispers. "His bedroom is the first room on the right. I don't know what room he is in, though, so it might be best if you go first."
> Listen for noise inside first room on right.
You cannot hear anything.
> Slowly enter the room.
You slowly creep into the room. The ogre's bedroom is a mess. The bed is enormous, and piled with some very soft-looking furs. You don't see any signs of ogre, so you gesture to your new friend. She comes in, slowly.
"They are in a treasure chest about this big," she says, gesturing. "I do not know where it is. We will have to search."
> Search under bed for goodies
You bend down to check under the bed, ignoring the pinching on your crotch as you do so. Yes! There's a very fancy-looking treasure chest under the bed. You pull it out, and as you stand up, you feel something sharp against your neck. It may or may not be a knife.
> Say "I knew I should've left you locked up" hoping that it's the girl and not the ogre.
"You probably should have," she replies - you were right. "Now give me my treasure."
It appears that you may have been backstabbed by a hot bitch.
> Check location of Bitch
The WOMAN is standing directly behind you, holding a small knife to your neck.
> Attempt to reason with so-called woman.
How would you like to reason with her?
> Help Reason with Woman
Reason with Woman: Modifiers
Tearfully - hope she'll pity you because you're a wuss of a man
Angrily - scare that bitch into behaving like she should
Crazily - Say something wacky and hope she runs away
Chocolate - Obviously she's on the rag, offer her chocolate (Note: only works with item: Chocolate)
Forcefully - in some states this is illegal
Logically - try to argue or debate your way out, women love conversation
Romantically - Confess undying love to her
Bargain - Offer her something shiny, bribe her, etc
> Reason with Woman -crazily
"I like pie," you say. "And sometimes, spiders give me the twitchies."
The woman behind you jolts, although the knife stays at your throat. "What in the world is wrong with you?" she asks. "Hand over the treasure."
"Somewhere over the rainbow," you start to sing, and when you think she's suitably distracted, you spin yourself away from the knife.
Excellent work. Except that now you've got an angry bitch with a knife between you and the door.
> Pick teeth with sword
> Encourage her to run while she still has use of her legs.
You attempt to raise your sword to your mouth, but the blade is too long, and you end up simply bashing yourself in the nose with it.
"You'd better run," you say through your bruised face, "while you can still use your legs."
> Note to self, next time pick teeth with a dagger instead.
Duly noted.
> Ask "Why aren't you running?"
The woman smiles, and you wonder how she can be so smokin' hot with such an evil smile. "I'd like my treasure first," she says. "So give it to me, or I'll kill you."
> Moon Bitch
You unbuckle your armor and turn around, giving the woman a nice, healthy view of your nice, healthy ass.
"Augh!" she cries loudly, turning away. "My one weakness! Put it away, I swear I won't hurt you!"
Grinning, you pull your armor back up, ready to smack the bitch one for good measure and take off with the treasure. Unfortunately, you hear a loud booming coming from down the hall.
Fuck, she may have woken up the ogre.
> Use sword handle to knock her out.
> Hide under bed
Quickly, you hit the woman upside the head; she crumples to the floor, and you feel a small sense of satisfaction. This satisfaction quickly dissipates as you hear the ogre yelling something. You hide yourself under the bed.
The ogre enters the room. He seems to be distracted by the unconscious woman on the floor. He's sniffing her, for some reason. You feel momentarily guilty for setting her up for a nice round of ogre rape, but the bitch was probably asking for it.
Do you want to move, or wait?
> Wait to see the ogre's next move
The ogre growls. "Guards!" His voice is loud, and you are more than a little bit tempted to wet your pants and cry like a baby. Nevertheless, you manage to stay still. "Guards, get up here! Our prisoner is loose!"
The ogre picks up the hot bitch's knife and wanders out into the hallway to yell for more guards.
> Move two faced temptresses body under bed quickly
You reach out quickly and pull the woman under the bed with you. The movement might be waking her up a little, because she is murmuring something. Having her this close to you under the bed after taking that Ancient Viagra probably isn't the greatest situation ever. However, she is still mostly unconscious.
> Suppress urge to hump her face
> Make just enough noise to get the ogre's attention.
You ignore your body's physical urges, instead reaching out to shake the treasure chest. Something inside it rattles around rather loudly. You hear a grunting in the hallway, and before you know it, you're staring at some really ugly ogre feet.
"Where is she?" the ogre bellows, and you're really resisting the urge to pee your pants now.
> Using your best female sounding voice say "I'm under here, just dying to see my big pookie snookums face!"
Your female voice sounds like a dying frog, but the ogre seems to fall for it. You hear the floor creaking as he crouches down, and then suddenly the entire bed is lifted off of you as the ogre peeks underneath it.
> Throw H2SO4 potion at ogre's face
> Dive out from under bed before it's dropped on you.
You throw the potion into the ogre's face, and leap out from under the bed ninja-style, dragging the woman along with you. The ogre screams and drops the bed, but luckily it doesn't hit either one of you. The ogre is now running around the upstairs level screaming his head off; things look relatively confusing, which is probably good for you.
> Grab treasure
You pick up the mysterious box.
> Run out the door (girl included) towards the stairs
Dragging the she-bitch behind you, you make it through the hallway to the top of the stairs. The ogre is elsewhere, moaning at the top of its lungs as it thrashes around its rooms. Unfortunately a couple orcs have already shown up. You might be able to make it if you run, but right now your hands are full of girl and box, so you can't exactly fight them.
> Allow gravity to help girl down the stairs
> Equip Longsword
The girl's unconscious body tumbles down the stairs, and luckily for you, it takes out an orc! You equip your sword in your right hand, clutching the treasure box in your left.
There are two orcs in the hall behind you, between you and the ogre. On the stairs in front of you are another two.
> Throw Treasure Chest at one orc on stairs
> Rush at other stair orc and give him a right good stabbin.
You toss the treasure chest at the farthest orc, and while they are distracted, you stab the nearest orc through the heart with your sword. The treasure chest hits the first orc on the head and falls to the ground and bursts open. Jewels the size of your (balls) fists fly everywhere all over the stairwell. It looks like a shiny rainbow threw up in here or something.
> Grab as many jewels as you can while continuing to run down the stairs.
You take off down the stairs, managing to scoop up three or four of the gigantic jewels as you do so. You continue to run down the hallway and find yourself back in the large room where you first met that traitorous whore.
> Locate Traitorous Whore, she may be useful later if you know what I mean.
The woman, having rolled halfway across the room, is now sitting there kind of groggily and rubbing her head. You hear a couple really nasty curse words.
> Pick up woman and head towards dungeon exit.
You stick the jewels into one of the many pockets of your armor and drag the woman through the room, down the hallway, and to the very entrance of the dungeon. Thankfully it no longer smells like smoke.
> Examine std infected mold thing
You peer down at the strange piece of mold you'd found before. It smells like rotting hot dogs, and there is a very good chance that it has herpes. You've become very good at identifying herpes, these days.
> Debate the merits of leaving the traiterous bitch face down in something that smells bad and looks like herpes.
On the plus side, she certainly deserves it.
On the minus side, she might catch herpes, which means she wouldn't be available to you in that certain way.
On the plus side, she'd have herpes.
On the minus side, she wouldn't be able to come along with you unless you want a bitch with herpes in your party. (If you wanted her to.)
More? Y/N
> N
> Grab ass of unconscious girl
You reach down, roll her over, and grab her ass. It's pretty nice. You continue to squeeze as she mumbles a little.
> Pick up girl
> Exit Dungeon
You decide to take the two-faced whore with you - for now - and exit the dungeon.
Outside, it's starting to grow dark. There's a breeze out, which is fairly chilly. In the distance you can see the horse you rode to the dungeon; it appears to have waited for you, but it's probably hungry by now.
> Mount horse and head towards nearest good place to set camp for the night
You toss the girl up onto the horse and mount behind her. The horse seems to know where it's going, so you decide to trust it for now.
Eventually you see some lights in the distance. It looks like a campfire. You could easily avoid it if you wanted to get back to town and get some pussy. Then again, they might be nice people.
> Head towards town in hopes of avoiding ambushes and enjoying some female...companionship...yeah!
You turn away from the lights, pointing the horse back to town. Eventually you are on the outskirts of your old familiar town. You wave hello to the guards who pulled you out of jail this morning as you enter through the town gate.
> Try to remember where I live
You are currently renting a small room in the back of the tavern. However, after you spent three straight days drunk off your ass they might not be too happy to see you.
> Go there, sneak in...they can be dealt with in the morning.
You head around to the back of the tavern and dismount. The horse doesn't seem to want to go anywhere so you tell it to go get hay or some shit. You drag the weird lady through the back door and up into your room.
It's a small room, with one bed, a desk, and a dresser.
> Search room for something to tie queen lying bitch up with.
The top drawer of your dresser contains your fetish gear.
> Tie her down to the desk using fetish gear, making sure to ballgag her.
You tie your new best friend to various parts of the desk. You take particular pleasure in placing the ballgag on her, although it reminds you of that Ancient Viagra you took. You idly wonder when that shit is gonna wear off.
> Sleep like you're dead.
You remove all of your armor and fall into bed butt-naked. You're asleep before your head hits the pillow.
Fuck, dude. This thing is like 5000 words long and it is all going towards NaNo.