Penis Text Adventure, Part I!
OK, so apparently when hilldo and I get bored (and make cock jokes), this is what happens.
Penis Text Adventures, Part I
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, his penis, some guards, a couple kids, a baby momma, and a PONY horse
Summary: In Which the Good Sir Hilldo wakes up naked, accepts a quest from a Fair baby momma Maiden, catches a horse using nothing but the charm of his pelvic thrusting, and kills an orc.
You awake in the town square, after being passed out in a fountain for an unknown amount of time. Currently you have no items as you seem to have managed to lose your clothes, although you have no recollection of how this happened.
Command> Exit fountain
You are now standing outside the fountain dripping wet and naked. The town square is full of early morning activity, and your nakedness has caused a crowd to take notice of you.
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?"
You shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?!" which accomplishes nothing more than drawing even more attention to yourself. No one takes you up on your offer although people begin to point and laugh. Apparently the fountain was cold.
Two guards start to approach you, weapons already drawn. One shakes his head, giving the impression that this has happened before.
> Run quick like a bunny
You start to run and are beginning to get away from the guards. The crowd begins to cheer as you get away.
> Taunt guards mercilessly
On what subject would you like to taunt the guards?
> Their sisters!
You turn around and proceed to yell at the guards. Telling them about how whorish their sisters are, and if they really wanted to catch you to look in their sisters' beds later.
It is at this point that you trip over a small child that you did not notice due to your taunting tirade. You hit the ground hard. The last things you hear are a child crying and one of the guards saying "I don't even have a sister" before slamming you in the face with his shield. You are out cold.
You awake in a jail cell. At least now you are clothed, but the guards have dressed you up to resemble a scarecrow.
A guard approaches, and says with a smile on his face: "Welcome Back."
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?"
The guard simply looks at you and shakes his head.
> Examine guard
The guard before you is fairly shabbily dressed - it looks like he's not too high on the payroll. He looks pretty hot, probably the type of guy you'd go for if you were gay. He notices you looking at him funny and takes a step back. Nevertheless, he does have a sword, which you do not. He seems to be carrying a plate of food.
> Take food
You cannot do that right now.
> No really, take food.
I already told you, you can't do that right now. Did you forget you are trapped in a jail cell?
> Ask for food
You ask nicely for the food. However the guard seems to be hesistant to come anywhere near you. He shouts for another guard to come help him. Apparently you have made quite a reputation for yourself.
> Smile
This only seems to make the guard more nervous.
Another guard has now come to his aid. This one is not nearly as hot, but is at least a head above you in height.
> Ask for food again
The smaller guard hands the food to the larger guard, who proceeds to eat it in front of you. Both guards laugh. The smaller guard in his laughter has gotten close enough to the cell that you may be able to grab him.
> Grab guard's arm
You successfully grab the guard's arm, forcing him against the bars of your cell. He screams like a little girl in pain. As you are just about to break his arm, the guardmaster enters the room and shouts, "Stop this at once!" You let go of the guard. The guardsmaster shakes his head and looks at his two guards: "You aren't getting any better at this no matter how many times it happens." Both hang their head dejectedly, and then unlock your cell.
"You are free to go, Sir Hilldo," says the guardsmaster.
> Thank guardsmaster
The guardsmaster nods his head appreciatedly. "Try to stay out of here for longer than a week this time; you're the best hero this town has, if you'd just lay off the booze and the women."
"Oh, and you might want these." The guardsmaster gives you back your normal clothes, and more importantly your weapon.
> Moon guards
You moon the guards. This would've been fine should you have chosen to do it for a reasonable amount of time, but around the 5th minute the guardmaster puts his foot up your ass to redirect you outside.
You are now outside the jailhouse, south of the town square.
> Equip clothes
You remove your scarecrow garb in the middle of the street. You are now wearing some tarnished silver armor, and you may or may not be going commando underneath.
> Look around
You are outside the jailhouse. To your south is the town square. The library is directly across from the jailhouse to the east. To the north is certain doom, you probably don't want to go that way.
> Get food
You head towards the town square in search of food. There you find three choices of places to eat: a butcher, a brothel and an inn called the Cock Goblin Inn.
> Enter Cock Goblin Inn
You attempt to enter the Cock Goblin Inn only to get the door slammed in your face. A voice inside says "Come back when you've actually got money."
It's at this point that you realize you have no money.
> Rob townsperson?
Are you asking or telling me to do this?
> Rob townsperson!
The nearest townsperson is an unattended child eating a large chocolate bunny. He's pretty round looking, and most likely doesn't need the extra calories that bunny would give him. Are you sure you want to rob him?
> Take chocolate bunny
You give the fat child a gentle knock to the back of the head with your sword butt. He falls to the ground with a thud, and it appears no one saw what you did. You pick up the chocolate bunny, blow the dust off of it and eat it. For the time being you are full.
You move the child so no one would see what you did and it's at this point that you recognize him as one of your illegitimate children. As you recall, this one has a pretty hot mom, she may be thankful if you return her child to her.
> Pick up child
You pick up the child. He is every bit as heavy as he looks.
> Drop child and drag him
You drop the child sending a bit of a shockwave through the square. Everyone is now looking at you as you drag the child towards his mom's house.
> Moon town square!
You drop the child again in order to lower your pants to display your ass yet again. People go back to what they were doing as if they have seen this type of thing many times before.
> Drag child to Mum's house
You once again grab the child by the legs and drag him through town to his mom's house. By the time you get there he is starting to come to. Almost on cue, his mother comes running out the door, it appears she is several months pregnant.
> Slap ho
You begin to approach her, hand outstretched displaying perfect pimp slap technique. She notices this and pulls a crossbow before you are able to get into pimp slap range.
"Pleasure to see you again, love," she says. "Did you finish the quest yet?" She's not as hot as you remember, perhaps you were thinking of some other mother? Either way it appears you owe this bitch something.
> Ask for sex?
How would you like to ask for sex? (Type help ask for sex for available options)
> help ask for sex (like I wouldn't type that)
Help Ask for sex
Modifiers
- angrily, ex. Bitch give me sex
- passively, ex. Bitch give me sex, if that's ok with you.
- ready to run the fuck away, ex. Give me sex now now now now now!
- Coyly, ex. My you look lovely today, how's about we get together for a little pinch and squeal.
- Raptastically, ex. My dick's the bomb, my dick's the bomb, and you miss are one of the bitches that wants to get on.
- Daterape, Can only be performed if you have a drink available.
- NormalRape, Can only be performed if you have a rapier.
- PickupLine, ex. That tunic looks becoming on you, but if I was on you I'd be coming too.
- Pity, ex. My cat just died can you make me feel better?
There are other options available, but they are not documented here.
> Ask for sex: Coyly
You ask for sex coyly. It appears to be working exactly how you planned up until the part where you tell her it'll be the best minute and a half of her life at which point she aims her crossbow right at your junk.
This no really does mean no. She looks at you and says, "The only way I'll sleep with you is if you finished my quest!"
> Help: quest
It was a dark day about 4 months ago. In typical fashion you had taken comfort in one of the village whores. For once, this one actually let you do her up the butt, and in the afterglow you promised to bring her some of the finest treasure in all the land. However, in typical male fashion you slipped out of the room when she went to the bathroom and had been avoiding her ever since.
In a nutshell, the bitch wants something shiny.
> Make promises
> Run
You point at her and open your mouth as if you are about to proclaim something truly important. Her guard lowers a little bit at which point you go "I'll call you", a phrase which won't have meaning for at least another 600 years. She is slighty confused, and you proceed to run at top speed away from her. A crossbow bolt flies by, inches from your face.
In the distance you can hear her scream, "That was a warning shot, you better bring me my treasure or next time you won't be as fortunate."
By the time you finish running, you are at the edge of town.
> Check map: treasure
You reach into your armor and pull out a map. There are a series of X's on the map, however all of them appear to be on houses in towns, including the one you were just at. These would be wise to avoid. There is a dungeon about a half day travel north of your current location that may lead treasure. It is probably the only location bearing treasure you can reach without a horse or a ship.
> Sigh
> Walk N
You sigh loudly and begin to walk north. At the very least, even if you cannot find treasure for the foul wench waiting for you in this town, you may be able to fund later expeditions to get the fuck away from here.
After travelling for a few hours you come across a group of wild horses down in a valley.
>PONIES!!!
Well, no. When ponies get older they become horses. This group is actually DEVOID of ponies.
> BOO.
> Approach horses
You boo loudly to yourself at the lack of ponies. This of course, does nothing. You slowly walk towards the horses getting to within 50 feet of them before they notice you and start to walk away from you.
> Check inventory: horse treats?
Your inventory is without horse treats. You tend to eat them when you are drunk as they are actually not half bad, or so I've heard. The closest thing you have resembling a horse treat is your fingers, but they may come in handy later.
> Help catch a horse
Help Catch a Horse
Modifiers
-whistle, Whistle at horse to hope he comes near
-make horse sounds, Make sounds like a horse to get horses attention
-threaten, Yell idle threats at the horses
-confuse, Perform a random action which will not help you catch a horse in any way in hopes of confusing the horse.
-Bake cookies, Bakes cookies in an effort to entice horses (Can only be performed if you have cookie dough and oven)
-Chase, Chase the fuckers
-Rope, Try to rope them, must have a rope to perform
-Cry, Know full well that none of the other options will work.
There are other options available, but they are not documented here.
>OMG WTF WHY DO I NOT HAVE FUCKING COOKIE DOUGH??
You search in armor, and find cookie dough in one of the 800 pockets on the inside. It is questionable whether it is still good or not.
> DANCE IN HAPPINESS
You dance, alternating between a bouncing up and down and some form of pelvic thrust dance. After this continues for a few minutes, you notice that all the horses are basically hypnotized by this.
> Continue to dance
> Walk slowly towards nearest horse
You continue your hypnotizing dance and walk towards the closest horse, the proudest one of the bunch. Everything is working according to plan. Soon you are close enough to the horse to mount him.
> Mount horse! /not sexually
You have successfully mounted the horse in a completely unfulfilling manner.
+1 Horse Catching ability
For information on various statistics type stat (stat category) at any time. A list of available stat categories is not available so you'll just have to guess.
> Eat 1/2 cookie dough
> Feed 1/2 cookie dough to horse
You eat half the cookie dough which tastes about as good as cookie dough stored as a suit of armor would taste. A little metallic, but mmm chocolate chip.
You feed the other half to the horse, who makes a grunt of approval.
> Make horsey go!
You slap the horse on the ass and take off heading north towards the dungeon. It is not long before you are at the gate leading inside. Your horse is refusing to get any closer, so you dismount and are now travelling on foot. For the time being, your horse is staying put.
A lone orc is lingering near the dungeon entrance, nervously looking around.
> Moon orc!
You moon the orc, but he doesn't seem to notice. Perhaps you are too far away?
> Check inventory: weapon?
Weapon Inventory
2 Daggers
1 Long Sword
1 Halberd that stores really compact like.
> SWEET!
> Equip Long Sword
> Beat shit out of orc
You equip your long sword and proceed to rush the orc. Only then does the orc notice you and proceeds to freeze in his tracks. One quick swipe and Mr. Orc is now lacking a head.
+1 exp
> Search orc corpse for gold and shinies
This orc was not carrying any gold. Only item in his possession is food, and that's if you consider a dead orc to be food.
This guy wasn't very high on the pecking order of monsters.
> Kick orc
> Enter dungeon
Which part of the orc would you like to kick?
Options are head or body?
> Kick head
You kick the head, The head goes flying off into the distance getting orc funk all over the place, including some green goo on your leg.
You enter the dungeon.
P.S. If we've made you laugh let us know, because we'll be doing this all week and I'd rather know not to post it if no one thinks we're funny at all.
Penis Text Adventures, Part I
Rating: Well, PG-13 or R, depending on how you rate curse words and mentions of buttsex
Characters: Sir Hilldo, his penis, some guards, a couple kids, a baby momma, and a PONY horse
Summary: In Which the Good Sir Hilldo wakes up naked, accepts a quest from a Fair baby momma Maiden, catches a horse using nothing but the charm of his pelvic thrusting, and kills an orc.
You awake in the town square, after being passed out in a fountain for an unknown amount of time. Currently you have no items as you seem to have managed to lose your clothes, although you have no recollection of how this happened.
Command> Exit fountain
You are now standing outside the fountain dripping wet and naked. The town square is full of early morning activity, and your nakedness has caused a crowd to take notice of you.
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?"
You shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?!" which accomplishes nothing more than drawing even more attention to yourself. No one takes you up on your offer although people begin to point and laugh. Apparently the fountain was cold.
Two guards start to approach you, weapons already drawn. One shakes his head, giving the impression that this has happened before.
> Run quick like a bunny
You start to run and are beginning to get away from the guards. The crowd begins to cheer as you get away.
> Taunt guards mercilessly
On what subject would you like to taunt the guards?
> Their sisters!
You turn around and proceed to yell at the guards. Telling them about how whorish their sisters are, and if they really wanted to catch you to look in their sisters' beds later.
It is at this point that you trip over a small child that you did not notice due to your taunting tirade. You hit the ground hard. The last things you hear are a child crying and one of the guards saying "I don't even have a sister" before slamming you in the face with his shield. You are out cold.
You awake in a jail cell. At least now you are clothed, but the guards have dressed you up to resemble a scarecrow.
A guard approaches, and says with a smile on his face: "Welcome Back."
> Shout "Who wants to sex Sir Hilldo?"
The guard simply looks at you and shakes his head.
> Examine guard
The guard before you is fairly shabbily dressed - it looks like he's not too high on the payroll. He looks pretty hot, probably the type of guy you'd go for if you were gay. He notices you looking at him funny and takes a step back. Nevertheless, he does have a sword, which you do not. He seems to be carrying a plate of food.
> Take food
You cannot do that right now.
> No really, take food.
I already told you, you can't do that right now. Did you forget you are trapped in a jail cell?
> Ask for food
You ask nicely for the food. However the guard seems to be hesistant to come anywhere near you. He shouts for another guard to come help him. Apparently you have made quite a reputation for yourself.
> Smile
This only seems to make the guard more nervous.
Another guard has now come to his aid. This one is not nearly as hot, but is at least a head above you in height.
> Ask for food again
The smaller guard hands the food to the larger guard, who proceeds to eat it in front of you. Both guards laugh. The smaller guard in his laughter has gotten close enough to the cell that you may be able to grab him.
> Grab guard's arm
You successfully grab the guard's arm, forcing him against the bars of your cell. He screams like a little girl in pain. As you are just about to break his arm, the guardmaster enters the room and shouts, "Stop this at once!" You let go of the guard. The guardsmaster shakes his head and looks at his two guards: "You aren't getting any better at this no matter how many times it happens." Both hang their head dejectedly, and then unlock your cell.
"You are free to go, Sir Hilldo," says the guardsmaster.
> Thank guardsmaster
The guardsmaster nods his head appreciatedly. "Try to stay out of here for longer than a week this time; you're the best hero this town has, if you'd just lay off the booze and the women."
"Oh, and you might want these." The guardsmaster gives you back your normal clothes, and more importantly your weapon.
> Moon guards
You moon the guards. This would've been fine should you have chosen to do it for a reasonable amount of time, but around the 5th minute the guardmaster puts his foot up your ass to redirect you outside.
You are now outside the jailhouse, south of the town square.
> Equip clothes
You remove your scarecrow garb in the middle of the street. You are now wearing some tarnished silver armor, and you may or may not be going commando underneath.
> Look around
You are outside the jailhouse. To your south is the town square. The library is directly across from the jailhouse to the east. To the north is certain doom, you probably don't want to go that way.
> Get food
You head towards the town square in search of food. There you find three choices of places to eat: a butcher, a brothel and an inn called the Cock Goblin Inn.
> Enter Cock Goblin Inn
You attempt to enter the Cock Goblin Inn only to get the door slammed in your face. A voice inside says "Come back when you've actually got money."
It's at this point that you realize you have no money.
> Rob townsperson?
Are you asking or telling me to do this?
> Rob townsperson!
The nearest townsperson is an unattended child eating a large chocolate bunny. He's pretty round looking, and most likely doesn't need the extra calories that bunny would give him. Are you sure you want to rob him?
> Take chocolate bunny
You give the fat child a gentle knock to the back of the head with your sword butt. He falls to the ground with a thud, and it appears no one saw what you did. You pick up the chocolate bunny, blow the dust off of it and eat it. For the time being you are full.
You move the child so no one would see what you did and it's at this point that you recognize him as one of your illegitimate children. As you recall, this one has a pretty hot mom, she may be thankful if you return her child to her.
> Pick up child
You pick up the child. He is every bit as heavy as he looks.
> Drop child and drag him
You drop the child sending a bit of a shockwave through the square. Everyone is now looking at you as you drag the child towards his mom's house.
> Moon town square!
You drop the child again in order to lower your pants to display your ass yet again. People go back to what they were doing as if they have seen this type of thing many times before.
> Drag child to Mum's house
You once again grab the child by the legs and drag him through town to his mom's house. By the time you get there he is starting to come to. Almost on cue, his mother comes running out the door, it appears she is several months pregnant.
> Slap ho
You begin to approach her, hand outstretched displaying perfect pimp slap technique. She notices this and pulls a crossbow before you are able to get into pimp slap range.
"Pleasure to see you again, love," she says. "Did you finish the quest yet?" She's not as hot as you remember, perhaps you were thinking of some other mother? Either way it appears you owe this bitch something.
> Ask for sex?
How would you like to ask for sex? (Type help ask for sex for available options)
> help ask for sex (like I wouldn't type that)
Help Ask for sex
Modifiers
- angrily, ex. Bitch give me sex
- passively, ex. Bitch give me sex, if that's ok with you.
- ready to run the fuck away, ex. Give me sex now now now now now!
- Coyly, ex. My you look lovely today, how's about we get together for a little pinch and squeal.
- Raptastically, ex. My dick's the bomb, my dick's the bomb, and you miss are one of the bitches that wants to get on.
- Daterape, Can only be performed if you have a drink available.
- NormalRape, Can only be performed if you have a rapier.
- PickupLine, ex. That tunic looks becoming on you, but if I was on you I'd be coming too.
- Pity, ex. My cat just died can you make me feel better?
There are other options available, but they are not documented here.
> Ask for sex: Coyly
You ask for sex coyly. It appears to be working exactly how you planned up until the part where you tell her it'll be the best minute and a half of her life at which point she aims her crossbow right at your junk.
This no really does mean no. She looks at you and says, "The only way I'll sleep with you is if you finished my quest!"
> Help: quest
It was a dark day about 4 months ago. In typical fashion you had taken comfort in one of the village whores. For once, this one actually let you do her up the butt, and in the afterglow you promised to bring her some of the finest treasure in all the land. However, in typical male fashion you slipped out of the room when she went to the bathroom and had been avoiding her ever since.
In a nutshell, the bitch wants something shiny.
> Make promises
> Run
You point at her and open your mouth as if you are about to proclaim something truly important. Her guard lowers a little bit at which point you go "I'll call you", a phrase which won't have meaning for at least another 600 years. She is slighty confused, and you proceed to run at top speed away from her. A crossbow bolt flies by, inches from your face.
In the distance you can hear her scream, "That was a warning shot, you better bring me my treasure or next time you won't be as fortunate."
By the time you finish running, you are at the edge of town.
> Check map: treasure
You reach into your armor and pull out a map. There are a series of X's on the map, however all of them appear to be on houses in towns, including the one you were just at. These would be wise to avoid. There is a dungeon about a half day travel north of your current location that may lead treasure. It is probably the only location bearing treasure you can reach without a horse or a ship.
> Sigh
> Walk N
You sigh loudly and begin to walk north. At the very least, even if you cannot find treasure for the foul wench waiting for you in this town, you may be able to fund later expeditions to get the fuck away from here.
After travelling for a few hours you come across a group of wild horses down in a valley.
>PONIES!!!
Well, no. When ponies get older they become horses. This group is actually DEVOID of ponies.
> BOO.
> Approach horses
You boo loudly to yourself at the lack of ponies. This of course, does nothing. You slowly walk towards the horses getting to within 50 feet of them before they notice you and start to walk away from you.
> Check inventory: horse treats?
Your inventory is without horse treats. You tend to eat them when you are drunk as they are actually not half bad, or so I've heard. The closest thing you have resembling a horse treat is your fingers, but they may come in handy later.
> Help catch a horse
Help Catch a Horse
Modifiers
-whistle, Whistle at horse to hope he comes near
-make horse sounds, Make sounds like a horse to get horses attention
-threaten, Yell idle threats at the horses
-confuse, Perform a random action which will not help you catch a horse in any way in hopes of confusing the horse.
-Bake cookies, Bakes cookies in an effort to entice horses (Can only be performed if you have cookie dough and oven)
-Chase, Chase the fuckers
-Rope, Try to rope them, must have a rope to perform
-Cry, Know full well that none of the other options will work.
There are other options available, but they are not documented here.
>OMG WTF WHY DO I NOT HAVE FUCKING COOKIE DOUGH??
You search in armor, and find cookie dough in one of the 800 pockets on the inside. It is questionable whether it is still good or not.
> DANCE IN HAPPINESS
You dance, alternating between a bouncing up and down and some form of pelvic thrust dance. After this continues for a few minutes, you notice that all the horses are basically hypnotized by this.
> Continue to dance
> Walk slowly towards nearest horse
You continue your hypnotizing dance and walk towards the closest horse, the proudest one of the bunch. Everything is working according to plan. Soon you are close enough to the horse to mount him.
> Mount horse! /not sexually
You have successfully mounted the horse in a completely unfulfilling manner.
+1 Horse Catching ability
For information on various statistics type stat (stat category) at any time. A list of available stat categories is not available so you'll just have to guess.
> Eat 1/2 cookie dough
> Feed 1/2 cookie dough to horse
You eat half the cookie dough which tastes about as good as cookie dough stored as a suit of armor would taste. A little metallic, but mmm chocolate chip.
You feed the other half to the horse, who makes a grunt of approval.
> Make horsey go!
You slap the horse on the ass and take off heading north towards the dungeon. It is not long before you are at the gate leading inside. Your horse is refusing to get any closer, so you dismount and are now travelling on foot. For the time being, your horse is staying put.
A lone orc is lingering near the dungeon entrance, nervously looking around.
> Moon orc!
You moon the orc, but he doesn't seem to notice. Perhaps you are too far away?
> Check inventory: weapon?
Weapon Inventory
2 Daggers
1 Long Sword
1 Halberd that stores really compact like.
> SWEET!
> Equip Long Sword
> Beat shit out of orc
You equip your long sword and proceed to rush the orc. Only then does the orc notice you and proceeds to freeze in his tracks. One quick swipe and Mr. Orc is now lacking a head.
+1 exp
> Search orc corpse for gold and shinies
This orc was not carrying any gold. Only item in his possession is food, and that's if you consider a dead orc to be food.
This guy wasn't very high on the pecking order of monsters.
> Kick orc
> Enter dungeon
Which part of the orc would you like to kick?
Options are head or body?
> Kick head
You kick the head, The head goes flying off into the distance getting orc funk all over the place, including some green goo on your leg.
You enter the dungeon.
P.S. If we've made you laugh let us know, because we'll be doing this all week and I'd rather know not to post it if no one thinks we're funny at all.