when did march happen
A quick update while I've got a few seconds'-worth of a breather here at lunch.
(edit) QUICK UPDATE ACTUAL LOL i have managed to turn "quick lunch update" into gigantic emotional tl;dr diatribe god I am the best/worst blogger in the history of the internet
general
I've been excessively shitty lately. My workload - not just job but life, because apparently the amount of general bullshittery around me increases directly proportional to my stress load due to specific work bullshittery - has been godawful. I actually started typing out a list of the many things I'm trying to handle right now but deleted it because a) it was depressing me and b) it sounded like I'm playing Stress And Workload I Am The Busiest Ever Olympics which isn't ever really what I want to sound like. Suffice to say I was up to item 12 before I stopped, and that hadn't even covered work; if you'd like to play Olympics with me I guarantee I will win, which actually means I lose, I think.
my back
Last Thursday I went in for my back surgery/procedure: steroid injections into my herniated disc. As of right now my status is: better, not 100% fixed, but improved; there's definitely still some pain and stiffness in there, especially when I move my head and neck around, but I do feel like the shots improved it -- right now it feels like a good neck/shoulder massage would actually help (whereas before the areas were actually sore to the touch, like bruising). I'm going in to the doctor tomorrow for a one-week eval; hopefully he'll have some more recommendations on how to take care of the last of this lingering pain.
EDIT: Of course in the time it has taken me to write this entry, my neck/shoulder has started hurting really sharply. Cool.
By the way, just checked my insurance, looks like the shots will cost me ~$500 out of pocket. Okay. :/ I'll wait and see what the bill is when it arrives - I already paid $115 when I checked in. :/
my minion
Last week Rubicante fucked up something major. Like, major. Like, my best reactor is now completely out of service because the lines out of it are plugged because he basically synthesized me a crusty brick in the bottom of the reactor rather than polymer soup. An entire ingredient of the polymerization was left out of the batch.
It was a legitimate mistake: he forgot to do one very small but utterly crucial step, and he did remember everything else correctly except for clicking on this one thing on the screen -- that mistake I can understand; what he neglected to do were the two things that would have caught this mistake early, both of which I trained him on (and other people trained him on as well). The initial mistake is a simple one; missing the other two things means he isn't fundamentally understanding what's going on out in the lab.
I don't mean to imply you can't make mistakes where I work - everyone fucks up. What you can't do is let those mistakes go forward like he did -- all of our procedures have catches in them, built in, so that you don't continue on with a polymerization when you've done something wrong, because at best you've wrecked some really expensive equipment and at worst, you could kill someone. That's not an exaggeration; my workplace has a blast radius. You have to be careful, you have to pay attention, and you have to have solid control over your shit.
So ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE I AM HANDLING AT WORK I had to a) somehow get this shit out of the reactor which lit'rally took an entire day of me doing the Chem-E equivalent of punching it in the face (with N2) until it moved; b) submit a goddamned work order and purge/lockout/tagout the whole fucking thing so that I can fucking get all the shit that's plugged fucking replaced; and c) had a sit down come to jesus moment with Rubicante, where I basically put him in a chair and did the "what did you learn from this" bit to make sure he was aware of how utterly we cannot do this here this situation actually is. And if he still can't keep track of details at the level we need to safely operate I have absolutely no qualms about a) throwing him at my (ex)boss to get the shit scared out of him or b) actually discussing letting him go (which is something my ex-boss actually advised that I keep in the forefront of my mind over the next few weeks). I know I am sounding really harsh here, but I have been here for 8 years safely; I really do not want to die at my job.
So that has been horrible.
Otherwise I am still dealing with my Japanese Summoned Chocobo, all of the project bullshit we always have to go through at the beginning of a year, tons of other crap to be worked out, and god as I write this out I realize I've swung back into the "man I hate my job sometimes" category.
general again
I think I'm intermittent depressed again. It's hard to tell - depression is a wily beast, and I am fully aware that I'm stressed out to my fingers, which is never good for my mood anyway - but I'm just not, like... happy. I'm not unhappy, really; I'm just kind of... blank. empty. Kind of meh.
I think that part of it is definitely stress... but I think another part of it is that I don't feel excited or fulfilled with a lot going on in my life right now.
Yes, I just bought a house, and that's awesome, but it's also ~2 weeks before I close, so it's not like I can do a lot of anything -- and I'm so stressed out and blah that looking at paint samples is kind of just like, oh. okay. colors. I oscillate between being thrilled about it and being exhausted just thinking about it: my depression is bipolar as usual. And the house is a positive thing which is awesome, but it's also a major source of stress, so even though I'm excited about it, it isn't "uplifting" when I am like JFC I'M GONNA HAVE TO CLEAN AND MOVE SOON FUCK.
I know that I'm stressed and in pain right now, so I've been taking a lot of time for self-care: I've been sleeping a lot on weekends and going to bed early, and I've been making sure I spend time doing stuff like playing games or browsing Tumblr that I know is relaxing and brain-distracting, which has been going really well: but - hilariously, ironically - I feel like taking so much time for self-care is eating into other things that make me feel fulfilled. I've basically stopped having a social life, because I know that I need to recharge in a major way and having people around in any way exhausts me -- but I think that having my people interaction limited to "folks at work", "cats", and "Becky" isn't helping me feel satisfied right now, especially when work is being an asshole. Also I've stopped doing creative things that make me feel fulfilled: other than the Kiss Battle, I don't really remember the last time I sat down to craft words -- I don't remember the last time I really felt inspired to write. I have ideas bubbling up but I don't have the time to do it, between being exhausted and making sure I have the time I need to relax.
So I guess I need to try to balance more here, too -- I need to find a (general) place that I'm comfortable and inspired to write these original ideas, to try to put a little bit more of that stuff back in -- even though it exhausts me to be "working" all the time, apparently constant relaxation isn't the solution either. And I guess I could do a bit more with my friends, maybe in smaller groups, as long as I make sure I also then get some absolute alone time too.
WHY DO I ONLY HAVE "ON" OR "OFF" AND NOTHING FUCKING INBETWEEN
HOW THE FUCK DO BALANCE
I have just stopped. Giving a shit. About everything. I've run out of fucks to give with my job -- I was so excited for this year just a little while ago and now it's like all I can do is hang on and deliver a few well-places kicks while I pull miracle after miracle out of my ass -- and it's like that's stealing all the fucks I have to give about anything else. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel ~inspired~ and motivated and fulfilled when I get home and all I want to do is drink wine and lay on the floor, and maybe watch Psych, and then go to bed at 9:30. I just do. not. care. about anything lately.
Jesus Christ. Send help. Actually, don't -- accepting help makes me feel worse, like I can't manage to be a decently functioning adult all by myself. I have to fix this myself. Where have all my fucks gone
house
The house closes on 22 March. Everything's in order. I don't even have to borrow money. That's cool.
muffin
I really want one and it's Lily's fault
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/341323.html, which has
comments. Comment there (with OpenID) or here, it's all good.
(edit) QUICK UPDATE ACTUAL LOL i have managed to turn "quick lunch update" into gigantic emotional tl;dr diatribe god I am the best/worst blogger in the history of the internet
general
I've been excessively shitty lately. My workload - not just job but life, because apparently the amount of general bullshittery around me increases directly proportional to my stress load due to specific work bullshittery - has been godawful. I actually started typing out a list of the many things I'm trying to handle right now but deleted it because a) it was depressing me and b) it sounded like I'm playing Stress And Workload I Am The Busiest Ever Olympics which isn't ever really what I want to sound like. Suffice to say I was up to item 12 before I stopped, and that hadn't even covered work; if you'd like to play Olympics with me I guarantee I will win, which actually means I lose, I think.
my back
Last Thursday I went in for my back surgery/procedure: steroid injections into my herniated disc. As of right now my status is: better, not 100% fixed, but improved; there's definitely still some pain and stiffness in there, especially when I move my head and neck around, but I do feel like the shots improved it -- right now it feels like a good neck/shoulder massage would actually help (whereas before the areas were actually sore to the touch, like bruising). I'm going in to the doctor tomorrow for a one-week eval; hopefully he'll have some more recommendations on how to take care of the last of this lingering pain.
EDIT: Of course in the time it has taken me to write this entry, my neck/shoulder has started hurting really sharply. Cool.
By the way, just checked my insurance, looks like the shots will cost me ~$500 out of pocket. Okay. :/ I'll wait and see what the bill is when it arrives - I already paid $115 when I checked in. :/
my minion
Last week Rubicante fucked up something major. Like, major. Like, my best reactor is now completely out of service because the lines out of it are plugged because he basically synthesized me a crusty brick in the bottom of the reactor rather than polymer soup. An entire ingredient of the polymerization was left out of the batch.
It was a legitimate mistake: he forgot to do one very small but utterly crucial step, and he did remember everything else correctly except for clicking on this one thing on the screen -- that mistake I can understand; what he neglected to do were the two things that would have caught this mistake early, both of which I trained him on (and other people trained him on as well). The initial mistake is a simple one; missing the other two things means he isn't fundamentally understanding what's going on out in the lab.
I don't mean to imply you can't make mistakes where I work - everyone fucks up. What you can't do is let those mistakes go forward like he did -- all of our procedures have catches in them, built in, so that you don't continue on with a polymerization when you've done something wrong, because at best you've wrecked some really expensive equipment and at worst, you could kill someone. That's not an exaggeration; my workplace has a blast radius. You have to be careful, you have to pay attention, and you have to have solid control over your shit.
So ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE I AM HANDLING AT WORK I had to a) somehow get this shit out of the reactor which lit'rally took an entire day of me doing the Chem-E equivalent of punching it in the face (with N2) until it moved; b) submit a goddamned work order and purge/lockout/tagout the whole fucking thing so that I can fucking get all the shit that's plugged fucking replaced; and c) had a sit down come to jesus moment with Rubicante, where I basically put him in a chair and did the "what did you learn from this" bit to make sure he was aware of how utterly we cannot do this here this situation actually is. And if he still can't keep track of details at the level we need to safely operate I have absolutely no qualms about a) throwing him at my (ex)boss to get the shit scared out of him or b) actually discussing letting him go (which is something my ex-boss actually advised that I keep in the forefront of my mind over the next few weeks). I know I am sounding really harsh here, but I have been here for 8 years safely; I really do not want to die at my job.
So that has been horrible.
Otherwise I am still dealing with my Japanese Summoned Chocobo, all of the project bullshit we always have to go through at the beginning of a year, tons of other crap to be worked out, and god as I write this out I realize I've swung back into the "man I hate my job sometimes" category.
general again
I think I'm intermittent depressed again. It's hard to tell - depression is a wily beast, and I am fully aware that I'm stressed out to my fingers, which is never good for my mood anyway - but I'm just not, like... happy. I'm not unhappy, really; I'm just kind of... blank. empty. Kind of meh.
I think that part of it is definitely stress... but I think another part of it is that I don't feel excited or fulfilled with a lot going on in my life right now.
Yes, I just bought a house, and that's awesome, but it's also ~2 weeks before I close, so it's not like I can do a lot of anything -- and I'm so stressed out and blah that looking at paint samples is kind of just like, oh. okay. colors. I oscillate between being thrilled about it and being exhausted just thinking about it: my depression is bipolar as usual. And the house is a positive thing which is awesome, but it's also a major source of stress, so even though I'm excited about it, it isn't "uplifting" when I am like JFC I'M GONNA HAVE TO CLEAN AND MOVE SOON FUCK.
I know that I'm stressed and in pain right now, so I've been taking a lot of time for self-care: I've been sleeping a lot on weekends and going to bed early, and I've been making sure I spend time doing stuff like playing games or browsing Tumblr that I know is relaxing and brain-distracting, which has been going really well: but - hilariously, ironically - I feel like taking so much time for self-care is eating into other things that make me feel fulfilled. I've basically stopped having a social life, because I know that I need to recharge in a major way and having people around in any way exhausts me -- but I think that having my people interaction limited to "folks at work", "cats", and "Becky" isn't helping me feel satisfied right now, especially when work is being an asshole. Also I've stopped doing creative things that make me feel fulfilled: other than the Kiss Battle, I don't really remember the last time I sat down to craft words -- I don't remember the last time I really felt inspired to write. I have ideas bubbling up but I don't have the time to do it, between being exhausted and making sure I have the time I need to relax.
So I guess I need to try to balance more here, too -- I need to find a (general) place that I'm comfortable and inspired to write these original ideas, to try to put a little bit more of that stuff back in -- even though it exhausts me to be "working" all the time, apparently constant relaxation isn't the solution either. And I guess I could do a bit more with my friends, maybe in smaller groups, as long as I make sure I also then get some absolute alone time too.
WHY DO I ONLY HAVE "ON" OR "OFF" AND NOTHING FUCKING INBETWEEN
HOW THE FUCK DO BALANCE
I have just stopped. Giving a shit. About everything. I've run out of fucks to give with my job -- I was so excited for this year just a little while ago and now it's like all I can do is hang on and deliver a few well-places kicks while I pull miracle after miracle out of my ass -- and it's like that's stealing all the fucks I have to give about anything else. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel ~inspired~ and motivated and fulfilled when I get home and all I want to do is drink wine and lay on the floor, and maybe watch Psych, and then go to bed at 9:30. I just do. not. care. about anything lately.
Jesus Christ. Send help. Actually, don't -- accepting help makes me feel worse, like I can't manage to be a decently functioning adult all by myself. I have to fix this myself. Where have all my fucks gone
house
The house closes on 22 March. Everything's in order. I don't even have to borrow money. That's cool.
muffin
I really want one and it's Lily's fault
This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/341323.html, which has
comments. Comment there (with OpenID) or here, it's all good.