2012 was / 2013 will be

[first_seventhe]

Lots of people have already posted up their "2012 in Review" and "2013 Resolutions" posts yet. Look, I am 7 days late! It is because I'm awesome. Or, it is because I am busy. Either way, I'm going to do mine now. Seven days into January seems a fine time for someone named Seventhe P. Dragomire to post up some summary lists of memories and goals.

2012 was the year when…

• I turned 30. Not as big of a deal as one might think - it was a pretty uneventful birthday and I'm by no means regressing into some kind of fuck me I'm old depressive hyperspasm. But I'm no longer in my 20s - it makes you think a lot about your life, who you are, what you want, where you're going.
• I forgot what it was like to feel well. 2012 was a year of pretty serious medical problems for me. I was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis in my toes and spine. I'm going on over 8 months of near-constant pain from a bulging herniated C5-C6 disc, for which I've undergone multiple x-rays, an MRI on two sections of my spine, physical therapy, and a variety of drugs. I'm also going on over 4 months of being generally sick; bronchitis I had in September has failed to get out of my weakened system despite loads of rest, sick days, and drugs. I'm going to estimate I spend upwards of $4000 on medical expenses in 2012. It was not my healthiest year.
• I more or less failed at working out. Although for legitimate justification, see the point above. However: I still managed to run races. I ran a 5K, the Color Run, the Warrior Dash, and 7.9 miles in the Akron Marathon Relay.
• My job exploded. I was made the project leader of a brand new project with little support, poorly defined targets and goals, insanely increased responsibility and absolutely no authority with which to work on it. It has been "fun." It has been a "learning experience". It has sucked.
• I did a lot of traveling and socializing. I went to Ohayocon (Jan); Distant Worlds, NYC to see Bjork (Feb); to Midgar (the plant) (March); hosted a grilling party, went to Pittsburgh for Easter, went to ACen (April); to my cousin's wedding in Boise, a family vacation in Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon, back to the plant (May-June); back to the fucking plant, then to Otakon (July); the Walking Ruckus CabinCon (August?); to the doctor a lot (September); to New York ComicCon (NYCC), made costumes for the J-Squad Halloween party (October); to the New York Beer and Wine Summit of 2012 (aka Sevparents' house for a Ruckus weekend), hosted a friend for a few days, to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving (November); Shame Tour of Arkansas for DOINK! mod-and-friend meetup (Nov-Dec); back to Midgar a-fucking-gain, to Buffalo then Pittsburgh then western OH then back to Akron (Dec). In-between there were a lot of casual social things; I am sure I am forgetting them; I have probably forgotten something important anyway; etc. For an introvert like me, 2012 has been fun, but exhausting.
• Jeff and I completely redid his basement mostly by hand. I'd forgotten about this until I was going through my DW to figure out WTF I did this year, but that's right, this took away a good portion of my summer. We tore up the carpet and padding, scraped the padding glue from concrete, tore up some tack strips, filled in the concrete from where we tore up the tack strips, sealed the concrete, had some of the drywall replaced, taped, mudded, sanded, and finished the new drywall because the contractor was a fuck face, repainted the entire fucking basement, and then had new tack strips, padding, and carpet put in. It looks awesome now, but I'd forgotten just how much of May-June-July I'd lost to that project.
• I did not finish my Masters degree. I didn't even get close. Between the social scheduling, the work fiascos and plant trips, and my health issues, where was the time to do so? Up my butt, apparently.
• I barely wrote. It's been a hard year for words. I sit down at the computer and stare at the screen. I've lost a lot of my writing mojo, my motivation; it's been a long time since I've been inspired enough to write more than a page or two, or a chapter or two. The things I did manage to write, I liked, but none of it has carried over into any kind of big project. I also became more of a fannish mod/admin than a writer/generator. We ran DOINK! Final Fantasy Exchange in the beginning of the year, and I've been keeping the DOINK! Chocobo Races going, as well as the Claim-a-thon I experimented with in the middle of this year.
• I came to terms with my hair. This shouldn't be as significant as it is, but since I've been unhappy with my hair for 29 years, I think it bears mentioning that I finally found a haircut I like, a style that suits both me and my schedule/desire to give fucks about my hair, and a color I adore.

In general, the rest of my life wasn't too bad, but neither was it very exciting. I took in some new media (Sherlock, Avatar: Legend of Korra, Parks and Recreation, FFXIII, Teen Wolf, uhhhhhh what else I know there was some other stuff); I knitted a lot of things, including 4 scarves for my family for Christmas and an owl hat for me; I cooked a lot; and, especially towards the end of the year, I went through a lot of extremely personal, exhausting, upsettingly raw but hopefully productive drama, discussion, and introspection. Life's weird. I'm so over 2012.

So with that in mind, 2013 needs to be the year when:

• I finish my fucking Masters degree. I say this every fucking year, but it's true this year. It needs to be true this year. I've registered for my final 4 credits of research, so that's $1800 saying I need to work on shit this semester. There's a new engineer coming in who can take some of my workload while I do so, and I have the opportunity to get a co-op later this year if I'm still working on the thesis project: I have a real decent chance, better than previous years, and …I'm ready. I need to do this. It's my #1 goal for 2013, and it comes before all of the social stuff, all of the other hobby stuff, everything.
• I recover my health to the best of my ability. There's some of this I don't have control over - I can't exactly push that herniated disc back into place by myself - but I'd really like to remember what it's like to be healthy and whole again. I'd like to not be living in pain all the time. I'd like to not be sick so much. In 2013, I want to listen better to my body, and I'll continue to take care of it as best I can. I don't want to spend unnecessary money, but I am worth the investment.
• I fix as many things about my job as are in my power to change. A lot of my job is out of my control, and much of my job is "do the work you're given", but to the extent that I have control over things, I want to change the way things work so that my job makes more sense and steals less of my fucks. I would also like to work towards the next step of my career; I have been doing the same job for 7 years now, and even though they added this horrible project to my workload, underneath my job is the same: I'd like to figure out my next step, and take it, before I stagnate.
• I get back to training. My real overall goal for working out is to train for a triathlon. However, I know that right now, with a herniated disc and lingering bronchitis and arthritic everything, pretending I'm going to *train* for anything longer than a nap is a horrible idea. So my workout goal for 2013 is simply to develop a training plan that includes swimming, biking, running, and weight training, all in reasonable amounts and on a schedule I can maintain. I would also really, really like to get back to yoga; I miss it badly. I will re-evaluate this goal in June.
• I eat better. Now, there's no way in hell I'm giving up Wendy's or beer, but I love cooking, and I usually eat pretty well when I do cook for myself. The hols have been pretty bad for this, though. So I'd like to make sure over half, ideally 75% of my meals are as "clean" as they can get: protein and vegetables and some clean whole grains.
• I write more. I want to write at least one postable thing a month. This seems an easy goal until you look at last year; however, I'm hoping that DOINK! and my FF replay project (and my horrible prompt troll friends) can help me do so. I also want to work on something original once a month. I don't even give a fuck what it is - it can be the lesbian werewolves - but I'd like to self-publish a Kindle novel once I am done with my degree, and to do so, I need to get back into writing. Anything. I. Do. Not. Care.
• I figure out my own personal life shit. These details don't go here, but I've got some work to do differentiating what I want - and between "I want that" and "I don't not want that" - and being a more active, upfront, straightforward and decisive participant in my own social life. Also I've got a lot of shit to figure out in general. Headspace of 2013 needs to be forward momentum and new!Sev needs to clearly set goals and limits, and maybe some really good things can happen. :)


• I go house shopping again. Although this is not allowed to happen until/unless I am done with my degree.
• I complete our
  moogle_university challenge. I'm a horrible gamer and I really like the idea of getting better at that. I already love our project and am having a lot of fun, and I hope the FF replay project helps motivate me fannishly in a lot of ways.
• I re-evaluate my wardrobe. I severely dislike many of my outfits, because I have a habit of purchasing things that are "okay" but "on sale" that I adopted when I didn't have much money and has stuck with me into adulthood. I also have a habit of keeping everything I own because I remember what it's like to be broke and not have a lot of variety, and so who cares if these pants are a little worn out or a little tight or don't fit or are actually ugly, they were cheap and they work and I can't throw them out because what if I need those pants? (I am a hobo hoarder with no fashion sense because I was poor, or at least that's what I'll blame it on.) Now that I have enough disposable income, I would like to own mostly (only) things that I actually enjoy wearing and feel good in. My goal this year is to purchase new things that I like every month, and for every new thing that I bring into my closet I donate two old things I do not like to Goodwill. (So if I buy a new pair of work pants that I actually like and suit me, I will discard two old pairs of work pants that I don't like.)
• I get more done, but also give myself permission to fuck off. I have a long list of things I'd like to do (art, music, reading, writing, knitting, sewing, playing games, watching things, volunteering at a shelter, cleaning, arranging, organizing - the list grows as I do), but I also really need to learn how to relax as well. I often don't "let" myself relax, and then I end up completely breaking down. So my goal for 2013 is to every day do one thing that counts as productive and one thing that counts as fun, each, as a bare minimum. If I do one productive thing and then faff off all night, that's cool. If I need to work for a day and I just take a small break reading the internet, that's alright. If I end up writing for a night and I want to count it as a fun thing AND a productive thing, that's okay too. But that's my goal.
• I take a vacation by myself. I love traveling with people and visiting people, and I love having Ruckus events, but I really miss going places by myself. I'm a super antisocial introverted asshole at heart, and I'd like to come back to myself this year. I have a 'voucher' for a solitary camping trip I'd actually like to spend some of my vacation on and give myself this year.
• I learn to cook Thai food. Because I need one goal that's just awesome!

And some more personal goals…

• I get more involved. I'm a very private person by default. I don't reach out to people; I don't share what I'm thinking or feeling. I highly dislike feeling vulnerable and get very frustrated when people ask me intrusive questions - or even just questions, because usually I just want people to leave me alone. But I've realized this year that sitting on all of my thoughts doesn't always make for wonderful friendship/relationship situations. And while some things will always remain private to me, it wouldn't hurt to involve a little more of myself in my friendships. This goes both ways - I need to speak up sooner when I'm bothered or irritated, and take better care of myself in friendships, so that I don't burn out; but I also could afford to give a little more of my personal self too. I feel like I'm a very generous person in some ways, but I think I could grow in other ways.
• I try to learn to delegate. I need to figure out a better balance in delegating things - all kinds; not just work - that can lead to me having less things on my plate. My problem with delegation right now is that it can in many cases actually lead to more work for me, if the person to whom I delegate a task doesn't finish it, doesn't do it right, doesn't do a good enough job, or just plain does it in a way that leads to more work for me after the fact. This is a combination of me learning what things I care most about - and thus taking control of them early - and letting go of the responsibility for things that are lesser or aren't my place to care about.
• I learn to maintain. I'm very good at having ideas and starting things, but not as good at keeping with them. Which is funny, because I'm not a sprinter, I'm an endurance / distance athlete, and I always have been: I need to learn to apply this to my life, too. I move through things in fits and starts, and while in some ways I need to accept that that's the way I am, I also feel like I could be a little bit better at maintaining and enduring.
• I achieve better balance. So much of my life is either/or. I am all/nothing, on/off, full/empty in so many ways. I need to learn to balance my control freak tendencies with my lazy laissez-faire mentality; I need to learn to take a break without letting go completely; I need to learn to relax without giving up; I need to learn to push without trampling. Again, in some ways I just have to accept myself and live with it, but I feel like there are a lot of grey spaces and grey places in-between some of my black-and-white extremes, and I'd like to find which ones I can deal with (thus leaving me more fucks to give for the things I actually do give fucks about).

Resolutions are hard. And interesting; it's easy to throw out a bunch of things at the beginning of a new calendar year and let that changing number signify a lot of changes, but I still maintain these things could be done whenever somebody feels like they're important. I also feel like doing them in large swathes can be hard: small changes are also good. So I've picked a couple things to try for January. We'll see how I do.

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