this unfortunate hobo turns 29

[first_seventhe]

So I'm 29 today. That's pretty awesome. It's pretty old!

So here are, in absolutely no order, 29 Life Lessons from Sev.

1. You can do anything. You can't do everything.
   
   Because, really, you can do anything you want - but it all comes with a price; you can't do everything. If you want to go to grad school and not be poor (as a personal example), you can do it - but you have to work a job at the same time, you have to give up your free time and your study time, you have to give up some other things in your life. You can't do everything. But if you look at something and you're willing to actually work to make it happen - willing to pay what its price may be - you can do anything.


2. There is no such thing as a free lunch.
   
   Goes along with #1, really: there's a cost for everything. Nothing comes for free; you can't have everything you want at the same time. You have to give up stuff to get other stuff. You have to earn it. Expecting to get something without working for it is really only going to disappoint you.


3. Life actually doesn't owe you crap. Every day, week, and month, bad, annoying, frustrating things are going to happen to you. You can dwell on that and how awful things are, or you can accept that life is made up of good and bad, and that everybody has to deal with both.
   
   It isn't fair, and there's a lot about the system that sucks. But everybody else is there with you to some extent; let's please stop having the "I have the worst life ever" competition, because no one wins and we all end up being the negative thing in someone else's life, which sucks more.


4. We all only have a limited amount of time and energy. Make sure you're spending it on things you think are awesome. Recognize your own limitations and spend as much of your internal currency as possible on things that are worth it.


5. Life's made up of mountains to climb. Everyone has their own, and climbing mountains is hard work. Defeating one of your mountains is something to be proud of.
   
   Some people start out closer to the mountains than you. Some start out farther away. Realizing this is one of life's big lessons. Some people have more privilege, some have less. Where they started doesn't take away from your accomplishment. But realizing other people may have to walk 200 miles before they even get to your mountain can put things in perspective sometimes. So celebrate your accomplishments, appreciate what you have, be proud of what you've done, respect where you've been -- and try to understand why other people may or may not have chosen - or been able - to climb the same mountains as you.


6. The best kinds of friends are the ones who make you more than what you are: either better, or more productive, or more awesome, or more honest to yourself, --or even those who 'just' recharge your spoons. Hang on to people like that. Relationships of all kinds - friendships, romantic, both - are supposed to be positive experiences that come out being positive on all sides. Save your energy for connections like this.


7. And no matter how awesome someone may seem, or how much you want to be their friend(/ lover / partner / collaborator / sassy gay BFF / FWB / husband or wife / etc), if they aren't being a positive force in your life - making YOU better and more awesome and happier - helping you - take a look at that connection with a critical eye. Some can be saved, some can't; and it's a hard thing to do; and it's a decision only you can make.


8. Connections and relationships by definition take more than yourself (I am thinking direct friendships between two people, but I know relationships can take form between three, four, or more as well). You can't just get; you must offer. You can't just take; you must give. You can't just be invited, be included; you have to invite, to include. Things need to go both ways, and to balance - which doesn't mean equal, because people have different needs and wants. You don't get to be a part of something without making other people a part of you. Relationships are expensive! But the good ones are worth it.


9. Sleep is amazing. One of the best things you can do for your health, your energy levels, your mood, your life in general is make sure you're getting enough sleep. You get sick, go crazy, lose function, and even die faster from sleep deprivation than you do from starvation; listen to your body and give it the healing and reserves it needs.
   
   But realistically, there are not very many things in the world that are actually worth losing sleep over, worth staying up late to do.
   
   (Caveat: this is also why chronic insomnia sucks so bad.)


10. Listen to your body. If it's telling you something's wrong, pay attention. It took me 28 years to learn I have a pretty severe vitamin absorption/retention deficiency, and I now have to take 10 pills a day for the rest of my life - but I've never felt more like a functioning human being than I have for the last 6-12 months. It's amazing to know that this is what everybody else feels like all the time. And I wouldn't have found it if I hadn't kept going to doctors, kept saying, no, my body really is not doing something right.


11. Nature abhors a vacuum; lives fill up and clutter with stuff really easily. If you think you're too busy to do a thing you want, take a look at what you're spending your time on. Not all of it is mandatory.
    
    Prioritize. And own those priorities. If spending 2 hours a day on the internet is important to you, that is awesome, but own it and own up to it. If getting 8 hours of sleep is important to you, then prioritize it. Remember you can't prioritize everything, too.


12. Wine and cats are a pretty good first response to any life crisis. (Puppies an acceptable substitute if available!)


13. Own your fuck-ups. If you make a mistake, you don't have to publicize it, but own it: realize it, admit it, tuck it away somewhere, and make it a learning experience. Pretending it didn't happen, or shunting the blame onto something else - might be easier or less painful, but it doesn't help you grow.
    
    Mistakes don't have to be a big deal either; they are not the be-all and end-all of life. Acknowledge it, internalize it, and move on.


14. You can be kind or you can be mean. You can be truthful and honest, or you can hide your opinions. So many people are so proud of their ability to be "brutally honest", because "the truth hurts" -- but in my opinion it's much much harder to be honest and kind, and it's a lot more respectable and makes you a much better person if you can tell the truth without being mean. I don't have much respect for 'brutal honesty' because I've seen it done wrong so many times. Honesty isn't an excuse for cruelty.


15. If you hurt somebody, it's usually a good idea to apologize first and try to understand why it was a hurtful thing second; defending yourself or explaining your side should come (much) later. If you're not sorry, though, don't say that you are - but be aware of what that means.


16. Sometimes you have to express negative emotions. Everybody feels them. Having to choose between swallowing negativity - and wallowing in it - or expressing it at someone else is a lose-lose situation, but it happens. Thus when somebody is mean or negative at you, if you have a second, consider what's causing it and whether you can help. It isn't the easiest instinct, but thinking about other people before yourself - or at least as well as yourself - can really help save a lot of relationships. It doesn't mean you have to swallow their shit, but it's a consideration that shows you value and care about the other person.


17. Nobody's perfect. Life's not perfect.
    
    When you see something you don't like, you can either accept it or work to change it. Both are respectable and acceptable paths; both can be easy; both can be impossible.


18. If shit keeps coming up in your life, take a look at it. If there are themes to things that happen to you, things that upset you, take a look at them. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what that reason is, but notice your own red flags and consider them.


19. For god's sake don't go to graduate school part-time. Go full time; don't rob yourself of the experience and of your education. If you have to go part-time due to financial reasons, or if you decide to because of personal preference, do yourself the favor of (a) attending a school with a modern, self-aware, helpful part-time program; (b) finding an advisor early who will help you develop a meaningful part-time program so that you take the classes in an order which helps you learn rather than disadvantages you; and (c) be prepared to give up a lot.


20. Not everybody has to go to college. Not everybody has to go to grad school. These degrees don't necessarily bring the clout a lot of people seem to think they do in a lot of fields. Think about what you want to do and whether that system will work for you. Lots of people are smart in a lot of different ways and the world wouldn't work if we weren't.


21. Work doesn't have to be the most important thing in your life. If it's where you find meaning then great, but it's perfectly acceptable to work a job which simply supports the way you find meaning, value, and worth in other parts of your life. You don't have to center your life around your occupation; there are lots of other things that can bring awesomeness to you.


22. If you're an introvert - if you recharge yourself by being alone - it is okay to spend a night in sweatpants with a book, a bottle of wine, and a box of cake batter. Society defaults to extroverted people and makes being social seem so desirable, but it is perfectly okay to empty one's social calendar when one needs to recharge.


23. It's okay to want more.


24. Everything changes. People change, and that means connections and relationships and friendships can change, grow, or decay. Situations change and things that were once okay can become not okay. Life changes, and things may suck now, but they're always going to change, so you can work to make sure they change for the better. All things are transient. This is the greatest and the hardest thing about life sometimes.
    
    It's always okay to change your mind.


25. It is okay to say, no, I can't do that. No, I don't have time. If you can't say no, practice saying yes more slowly. Don't agree to things unless you have the time and the spoons to do them and you think they're worth it. Value your own time and your own skills.


26. Be at peace with yourself. Identify your strengths, own them, and love them. Identify your weaknesses, and either work to change them or accept them as they are: either way, don't deny them. Understand not only who you are, but who you come across as to others - and work to make them as congruous as you need them to be. Nobody can read your mind.
    
    Learn yourself well; value who you are; prioritize your own needs and wants; and, seriously, be your own friend. You're not going to be happy until you're happy with yourself.


27. It's really hard to not compare yourself to other people. But it isn't fair to you or to them; everyone's circumstances, abilities, situations are different. You'll make yourself feel bad for not being something you aren't, and you'll make someone else feel bad for things they should feel good about.


28. None of life is easy, but parts of it are easier than you think. If all of life seems hard, maybe you are making it harder than it needs to be. Good things are hard work, but easy and fun things can be good things too. Don't devalue simplicity; don't complicate your life for bragging rights. Moments standing still can be just as awesome as steps walked.


29. The people who matter will understand. The people who don't understand shouldn't matter.

Also:
- Cock jokes are always funny
- My friends are pretty awesome
- I fucking like cats okay
- My own tags will never not make me happy

This entry was originally posted at http://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/58180.html, which has
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