i wish I were brilliant.....
i know the title of this journal is kind of annoying, but at the moment, this is how i feel. i wish i had a reason for being alive. i wish i was in a band and i could say to my friends "oh yeah, hey, my band is playing, come and watch me." then they would and i would be happy. but i'm not in a band, i dont say that to my friends, they dont come to my shows, and i am not happy. that last sentence should be repeated over and over and over. i am not happy. i am not happy. i am not happy.
im not trying to make anyone feel badly for me, i am just getting angry over myself.
"there's no home for you here" by the white stripes is definitally how im starting to feel with my "situation". im so sick of this shit. right now all i want to do is yell into a pillow, but i find that my pillow is too far out of reach and maybe that's a good thing.
oh yes, this song is about me WAY too much. but i love it with all my heart. i think jack is the most brilliant being on earth. everyone else turns to god in bad situations, me, i turn to the stereo.
i find my arms and fingers are starting to shake. it's weird it happens right before i cry. maybe i'm about to cry. yeah, i can feel it. im going to cry. im so sick of crying. it seems like that is the only thing i am worth. a girl who cries over anything and everything.
one day i was talking to a friend of mine and he looked at me and said "you make me really upset, do you know that?" i turned and polietly asked him why, trying the hardest i have ever tried to hide tears. "he said you hurt me because you deserve to be happier than you really are." the thing that makes me so upset is the fact that we had only talked a few times and he told me this. he didnt even know me, yet he could tell i was upset.
the reason i am bringing this up is because everyone thinks they TRULY know me. they think of me as this happy girl and they dont understand why i cry so much.if they really knew me, or understood me, they would know that i am not happy. i am not happy, i am not. sure i get happy at times, but then those times fade and i am left unhappy again.
once again i state this: i wish I were brilliant.
*edit* sam davis gets it. why don't you?
Sam Davis: i read your last lj post and i think you're brilliant and i don't see you as some happy boring girl, i see you as you i think. maybe i'm wrong. <3
im not trying to make anyone feel badly for me, i am just getting angry over myself.
"there's no home for you here" by the white stripes is definitally how im starting to feel with my "situation". im so sick of this shit. right now all i want to do is yell into a pillow, but i find that my pillow is too far out of reach and maybe that's a good thing.
oh yes, this song is about me WAY too much. but i love it with all my heart. i think jack is the most brilliant being on earth. everyone else turns to god in bad situations, me, i turn to the stereo.
i find my arms and fingers are starting to shake. it's weird it happens right before i cry. maybe i'm about to cry. yeah, i can feel it. im going to cry. im so sick of crying. it seems like that is the only thing i am worth. a girl who cries over anything and everything.
one day i was talking to a friend of mine and he looked at me and said "you make me really upset, do you know that?" i turned and polietly asked him why, trying the hardest i have ever tried to hide tears. "he said you hurt me because you deserve to be happier than you really are." the thing that makes me so upset is the fact that we had only talked a few times and he told me this. he didnt even know me, yet he could tell i was upset.
the reason i am bringing this up is because everyone thinks they TRULY know me. they think of me as this happy girl and they dont understand why i cry so much.if they really knew me, or understood me, they would know that i am not happy. i am not happy, i am not. sure i get happy at times, but then those times fade and i am left unhappy again.
once again i state this: i wish I were brilliant.
*edit* sam davis gets it. why don't you?
Sam Davis: i read your last lj post and i think you're brilliant and i don't see you as some happy boring girl, i see you as you i think. maybe i'm wrong. <3