2020 after effects
This last year has sucked ass on so many levels. Yes Covid 19 still sucks, leaving my job has had unseen health consequences and our family moral is so low. Lindsey broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years bc she wasn't allowed to see him (due to covid). They had to get back together bc she was losing her mind. He can see her once a week now and thats not really enough for her. The family celebrations that have lost all meaning. We thought at least we would still have Liz to keep James' memory alive. She would be able to tell us stories about him that we weren't a part of but instead we lost her too. We didn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Jacobs birthday, New Years, my birthday, Lindseys birthday, Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers day, Moms birthday. On Fathers day I was mad all over again bc I was not invited to last years breakfast bc Liz's step dad wanted them to meet his girlfriend so I missed out on seeing my brother; at the time I thought no biggie I live with Dad I'll let them have their time together; but when James died I was angry that I missed out on seeing him and it still simmers up. I understand my Mom not wanting to celebrate things but then I get a bit hurt there also because she didn't lose both her children, I'm still here. I still want to make good memories for me and my chidren while she & Dad are still here; its bad enough they don't have a Dad. I'm still not over the emotional trauma from the crap that went down at work. My whole body hurts everyday, I'm not sleeping well. My knee is giving me so much trouble that its hard to walk. I've been out of work since November, add in depression and I am now out of shape from binge watching tv and not exercising. TV has always been my escape and how I process my feelings. I don't go anywhere and I have no friends. I'm not complaining really, I know I don't make an effort and I don't initiate conversations - it just sucks. I'm just really sad and lonely. It sucks when you're the only one who can fix it for yourself.