Discertation on abject feeling... ...Does that make any sense?
It amazes me how much the media can play on our emotions like a well tune instrument.
I have watched the final two episodes of Friends twice in the past week, and every time I do I feel empty. The whole reason that show was so popular was down to the fact that everyone wished they had a group of friends like that, so then why is it SO hard to actually HAVE one? It seems like everyone I know has so many people they refer to as friends, and that, by their standards, I could say I have loads of friends all over the place.
Somehow though, I just don't seem to be able to define friendship the same way as they do. I would say I have one true friend in this country, and even then the friendship is less that I would like (it's ok though, I understand the reasons behind the situation and I accept them. She's a great person going through a series of hard times, so I'm just happy to be there when I can). Everyone else is, to me, nothing more than a close acquaintance. Someone I might hang out with on occasion, but who never phones me, who I never phone, and who would probably not think twice about me when I move.
So in other words exactly like the vast majority of "friends" I had/have in Montreal. We all exchange pleasantries with eachother whenever we chance to meet, but that's where it ends. I tend to feel like I'm alone in my sentiments, and yet whenever I discuss them with those few close/true friends I do have, they tell me that it's the same for them. I constantly feel the victim. Why is that? It's as much my fault as theirs that we don't hang out. I feel so pressured, like calling someone requires a reason.
Then I analyze that very attitude and realize that it could lead to people feeling that I only call when I want something. I don't want people to feel that way, and yet I don't know how to change. I feel like a social idiot. I try to play things they way I see others play them, make silly jokes about eachother, pick at silly flaws in a joking sense, yet I feel dirty doing so, realizing that I hate it when people pick on me like that. It's just not me.
But then, what *is* me these days? I've dropped into a pool of lethargy. I seem incapable of creativity. The only time I think of things to do with myself is when I can't do them (ie when driving or at work or whatever). When I get home, I just feel like I can't be asked to do anything. TV seems so inviting, sucking me into a world where I can't feel rejected, can't be cast aside. Yet that's almost how I felt watching the end of the season finale of Friends.
How strange, to associate such feelings with a group of people I've never met, and never will meet. People who really don't exist as anything more than the creations from the minds of a group of sitcom writers. They mean nothing, they are nothing. Yet they are a perfect representation of the societal ideal. The structure we all wish we could have.
I think it boils down to wanting to feel safe with people. Wanting to know that we can say anything to these people and not fear their reaction. To know that they will take what you say the way you intend it. These are the people I can call my friends, people who understand and accept me. People who won't take offence to my little quirks because they know I don't mean anything personal by them.
I know I can seem an asshole to people. I know I have a tendancy to be brutally honest about things, but I don't know how not to be. If someone asks me a question, I assume they want an answer. I can't understand how to sugarcoat things or tell outright lies just to make people feel better about themselves. At the end of the day, I don't really want to. I think it makes me a more genuine person. People know that when I say something nice about what they've done or what they are doing that I really mean it. But I guess that's something you only come to understand after a while of knowing me, and few people have the patience to get that close. Because I'm not the same as everyone else, they try to apply their societal template over my actions and so derive meaning from them that just isn't there.
My defensiveness being taken as attacking them, for example. Someone asking me why I'm vegetarian might think I'm preaching, but I guess the very question sometimes makes me feel like I'm being attacked. "WHY don't you eat meat?" as though the act of abstaining is a personal affront to those who do.
So many times I've been told, don't take things so personally. I try not to, I really do. I know it's not good to be sensitive and that I over react sometimes. Still, I find many hypocritcal in this demand as they expect me not to take what they say personally, yet end up taking my response as a personal attack!
Bah! Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with people at all. How much easier it would all be if you could truly just understand someone by looking at them. As though they were an open book that translated a person's words and actions into your own personal template. A way for you to know that someone was being genuine and know what they really meant by something.
Yes, I know I'm a dreamer. But I'm a dreamer that's slowly becoming more cynical by the hour. It's really quite hard to reconcile the two with eachother though I must say.
I have watched the final two episodes of Friends twice in the past week, and every time I do I feel empty. The whole reason that show was so popular was down to the fact that everyone wished they had a group of friends like that, so then why is it SO hard to actually HAVE one? It seems like everyone I know has so many people they refer to as friends, and that, by their standards, I could say I have loads of friends all over the place.
Somehow though, I just don't seem to be able to define friendship the same way as they do. I would say I have one true friend in this country, and even then the friendship is less that I would like (it's ok though, I understand the reasons behind the situation and I accept them. She's a great person going through a series of hard times, so I'm just happy to be there when I can). Everyone else is, to me, nothing more than a close acquaintance. Someone I might hang out with on occasion, but who never phones me, who I never phone, and who would probably not think twice about me when I move.
So in other words exactly like the vast majority of "friends" I had/have in Montreal. We all exchange pleasantries with eachother whenever we chance to meet, but that's where it ends. I tend to feel like I'm alone in my sentiments, and yet whenever I discuss them with those few close/true friends I do have, they tell me that it's the same for them. I constantly feel the victim. Why is that? It's as much my fault as theirs that we don't hang out. I feel so pressured, like calling someone requires a reason.
Then I analyze that very attitude and realize that it could lead to people feeling that I only call when I want something. I don't want people to feel that way, and yet I don't know how to change. I feel like a social idiot. I try to play things they way I see others play them, make silly jokes about eachother, pick at silly flaws in a joking sense, yet I feel dirty doing so, realizing that I hate it when people pick on me like that. It's just not me.
But then, what *is* me these days? I've dropped into a pool of lethargy. I seem incapable of creativity. The only time I think of things to do with myself is when I can't do them (ie when driving or at work or whatever). When I get home, I just feel like I can't be asked to do anything. TV seems so inviting, sucking me into a world where I can't feel rejected, can't be cast aside. Yet that's almost how I felt watching the end of the season finale of Friends.
How strange, to associate such feelings with a group of people I've never met, and never will meet. People who really don't exist as anything more than the creations from the minds of a group of sitcom writers. They mean nothing, they are nothing. Yet they are a perfect representation of the societal ideal. The structure we all wish we could have.
I think it boils down to wanting to feel safe with people. Wanting to know that we can say anything to these people and not fear their reaction. To know that they will take what you say the way you intend it. These are the people I can call my friends, people who understand and accept me. People who won't take offence to my little quirks because they know I don't mean anything personal by them.
I know I can seem an asshole to people. I know I have a tendancy to be brutally honest about things, but I don't know how not to be. If someone asks me a question, I assume they want an answer. I can't understand how to sugarcoat things or tell outright lies just to make people feel better about themselves. At the end of the day, I don't really want to. I think it makes me a more genuine person. People know that when I say something nice about what they've done or what they are doing that I really mean it. But I guess that's something you only come to understand after a while of knowing me, and few people have the patience to get that close. Because I'm not the same as everyone else, they try to apply their societal template over my actions and so derive meaning from them that just isn't there.
My defensiveness being taken as attacking them, for example. Someone asking me why I'm vegetarian might think I'm preaching, but I guess the very question sometimes makes me feel like I'm being attacked. "WHY don't you eat meat?" as though the act of abstaining is a personal affront to those who do.
So many times I've been told, don't take things so personally. I try not to, I really do. I know it's not good to be sensitive and that I over react sometimes. Still, I find many hypocritcal in this demand as they expect me not to take what they say personally, yet end up taking my response as a personal attack!
Bah! Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with people at all. How much easier it would all be if you could truly just understand someone by looking at them. As though they were an open book that translated a person's words and actions into your own personal template. A way for you to know that someone was being genuine and know what they really meant by something.
Yes, I know I'm a dreamer. But I'm a dreamer that's slowly becoming more cynical by the hour. It's really quite hard to reconcile the two with eachother though I must say.