private: action and stillness
I learned a lot of things as a child, but one that was drilled into me the most intensively was this:
Move, move, move.
Inertia is how you fail.
Inertia is how you die.
So, for many years (a good deal of my childhood, and all of my adult life), I've been on the move... a headlong rush from city to city, room to room, running from things I can't see or quantify... just in case. I've rarely spent as much time in one place, consecutively, as the last ten months in Tokyo.
It's ironic, then, that I prefer to be in one place, and that I'm not afraid to die. I keep running. It is my habit. Self-preservation is an art worth practicing regardless of whether or not fear is a factor in the equation. I may not fear death, but I want to live.
Now my only choice is to be still, to be patient.
A few days ago, I was in the bar with Misa when I began to feel watched... I know that feeling, although I am usually on the other end of it. In spite of the strange qualities of this place, it wasn't difficult to identify the watcher; it was B. (That is, the one from my own past.) I don't know when he arrived here, how long he's been here, how it is that he's not scarred beyond all recognition. No, instead he's creeping around doing the same "Rue Ryuuzaki" act that he did for Misora.
I warned him off, but he had taken notice of Misa, and... I was worried. She stayed with me that night. We have been together every night since (though we have been almost entirely innocent together). In the meantime, I've run into B at least once a day.
I am undecided, for once, as to what to do about B. I have two options that I can think of.
I have heard time and again that this place does not allow its inhabitants to injure each other very seriously, so while I worry that B will attempt to create a puzzle for me at the expense of one of the other guests, there isn't much I can do about it. My only option would be to stalk him as carefully as he seems to be stalking me.
If I do that, though, I can't be with Misa, and my other fear is that while I'm looking for him, he'll get to her. Staying with her as much as I can seems to be the more sensible of the two options... or is it that I am trying to convince myself that it's true, because it's my personal desire?
Have I compromised myself with her?
If it were not for her, would I be busy watching B? Looking for Light? (Though I still think waiting is the best policy in the latter case.)
I do not know... I only know that, because of the inertia, I have been thinking of "happiness for myself" outside of solving a puzzle, and just now... she is necessary to my happiness, in a way I never thought another person might be.
Yes, I am utterly compromised.
[[This should have been posted several days ago, and is therefore slightly out-of-timeline.]]