(no subject)
NOTE: This particular entry regards issues that I've not necessarily gone into on my livejournal, or with all individuals who read it. For those who don't know what's gone on with this all, don't worry about it. Mainly, this is in response to an entry on my roommate's LJ, and here for my fleshing out thoughts regarding it.
That said:
She says that I didn't love her for who she was, and that I was trying to change her to meet my own needs. That's why she wanted this to end.
You know, her friends, people online, and even the people that didn't like Jess, but rather tolerated her instead, can testify to what they saw. They know that I treated her with absolute respect and pure love.
I have stated this before, albeit not necessarily publicly, but this is a rather critical showing of her lacking maturity. The evidence of such is fairly plainly there to my eye, for various reasons, and may hold a degree of extra merit and weight given that I've had the regular exposure of living with her, as well, when compared to the views of those from the peanut gallery, as it were.
The first thought to pop to mind upon reading this was in the form of a phrase: "Does one necessarily quietly abide by a three-year-old's lack of maturity?" There's actually a larger bulge of overall thought surging behind that phrase, and trying to squeeze it out in a linear fashion is kinda difficult. Bear with me, here, and if I'm roundabout, try to get the overall message to things, and fit it together however.
As mentioned, Jess has exhibited some heavy signs of immaturity and lacking worth (in my view) as an individual. In no particular order, here's some examples:
Dependence upon extraneous medication. Such things do not include medication required to regulate diabetic condition, or by default mental disorders. However, painkillers, and a large amount of the medication applied for supposed mental disorders were/are a bit on the excessive side. While I can't recall them offhand in any specifics, I do recall that basic research into the various chemicals which were prescribed to her are largely unnecessary, and could have been averted by very simple, and cheap, alternative treatments. It's my personal belief that a large amount of the shit that's up in her head could be solved by a substantial amount of growing up.
She exhibits an excessive financial dependence upon others--Bobby and KT initially, then JD, and for a short time myself. When faced with the fact that she may have to own up to personal responsibility, as was indirectly brought up when I'd voiced concerns to JD, she behaved in the worst possible manner as a rational adult: She fled.
When she moved in with JD and I, she wasn't moving in so she would stop accruing debt with Bobby and KT with the intention of paying them back (as it seemed)--She was fleeing from personal responsibility of getting a job, holding a job, and supporting herself, by seeking an area where it wouldn't weigh as heavily upon her mind. Or such is what I can surmise from that. If I were to try and lay any form of guess on what a subconscious thought might have been, it would be somewhere along the lines of, "I don't want to work. Working is hard. JD can work for me. He loves me. He wouldn't mind. I'll go live with JD."
Whether or not that's the case, I have no idea. I'm not her. But that's the best guess that I can come up with, based upon my observations of her over the duration of her stay here, as well as conversations I've had with other individuals who also had extensive experience with her.
She seems to have an inflated sense of the severity of her own problems--A twisted delusion of grandeur, if you will. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as we all have that at times, but usually individuals grow out of those. Or, at the very least, they learn to temper them with harder, actual experiences in life, and not an imagined expansion of pain. A rough translation of what I just typed would be likening it to a child bumping their head, and crying as though they've just been beaned with a cricket bat--When, in reality, it was just a little thunk on a counter while standing up.
In a point of personal frustration with that fact, I've lost count of how many times it aggravated the shit out of me where she let herself use that (as I saw it) overexaggeration of personal issues and pains as something of a crutch. It's been said that my frustration came off as arrogance. I suppose I can thinly stretch my imagination and see where that point of view can come from, but really? I would think I have a right to any arrogance that might have been there, by sheer scope of what I have justifiably had to deal with in life. At least by comparison to the trivialities that she's encountered.
I find my own trials and tribulations trivialized when faced with an individual who has gone through more shit than I have and still maintains a semblance of badassery. I also strive to be better, to rise above, and to face any challenges that come my way, inspired by that fact. Even if a person is a total asshole, I can respect what someone's gone through--And I have a sincere want to go through more than they have, so that I can one day spit in the face of their assholery.
Jess, from my observations, does not have this sort of thing. Instead, she becomes indignant, and goes off to rant in a fairly puerile fashion to whomever may offer a sympathetic ear.
Am I being arrogant, haughty, or egotistical in my phrasing here? It's entirely possible. Frankly, I don't care. In all straightforward and simple honesty, she's lost her status as a respectable human being in my eyes. The baseline respect which I give to anyone and everyone I meet has been lost. She hasn't gained an attendant hatred from me that the few others who have reached this point did, but she has lost any semblance of respect. In that, I don't particularly see it as arrogance so much as it is an individual speaking about a temper-tantruming chimp, or other less-evolved lifeform. Harsh wording, I suppose, but I really could care two shits less right now.
.. Okay, I suppose that wasn't exactly a flow-chart format of examples. Oh well. I feel better after venting that out.
Moving back to the point I'd made initially--A parent may dislike and abhor how a child is responding to various situations and encounters, but that doesn't mean they love them any less. A child may throw fits, act in a fashion unbecoming of a decent human being, or just downright fuck up in certain things. This happens. And a parent--At least one of any decent standing--continues to love them regardless, while trying to correct the problem at hand in the child's behavior.
With Jess, it was similar to this, I think, for what JD was trying to do. Much as a parent would need to do with a child, he tried to have her change not necessarily because he wanted her to change, but rather wanted her to want herself to change. That he wanted to see the changes happen is irrelevant, as I don't think it entered his mind for an instant to be acted upon in such a direct fashion.
That she views it as such is a sign that, to me, she really doesn't comprehend the value of her own life, or the impact that it can have upon others. Nor does she really grasp the totality of the fact that her actions can, and do, have repercussions--both on herself and others. Though it's another rant all its own, this is evidenced in part by the lack of care for her own health (in terms of, at base level, dietary habits) in light of other justifiable medical disorders that she has.. Ones that, in all likelihood, were brought about by that lack of attention and visceral understanding of how actions have repercussions.
Lastly, I doubt she really even can conceive what love really is--What it means, and how it can twist an individual's heart and soul into absolute bliss or complete annihilation. I don't think she has, in her present state, the capacity to love. I think she knows the motions, and she may feel rudimentary attractions, but love? No. I feel it well beyond the scope of her comprehension.
That said:
She says that I didn't love her for who she was, and that I was trying to change her to meet my own needs. That's why she wanted this to end.
You know, her friends, people online, and even the people that didn't like Jess, but rather tolerated her instead, can testify to what they saw. They know that I treated her with absolute respect and pure love.
I have stated this before, albeit not necessarily publicly, but this is a rather critical showing of her lacking maturity. The evidence of such is fairly plainly there to my eye, for various reasons, and may hold a degree of extra merit and weight given that I've had the regular exposure of living with her, as well, when compared to the views of those from the peanut gallery, as it were.
The first thought to pop to mind upon reading this was in the form of a phrase: "Does one necessarily quietly abide by a three-year-old's lack of maturity?" There's actually a larger bulge of overall thought surging behind that phrase, and trying to squeeze it out in a linear fashion is kinda difficult. Bear with me, here, and if I'm roundabout, try to get the overall message to things, and fit it together however.
As mentioned, Jess has exhibited some heavy signs of immaturity and lacking worth (in my view) as an individual. In no particular order, here's some examples:
Dependence upon extraneous medication. Such things do not include medication required to regulate diabetic condition, or by default mental disorders. However, painkillers, and a large amount of the medication applied for supposed mental disorders were/are a bit on the excessive side. While I can't recall them offhand in any specifics, I do recall that basic research into the various chemicals which were prescribed to her are largely unnecessary, and could have been averted by very simple, and cheap, alternative treatments. It's my personal belief that a large amount of the shit that's up in her head could be solved by a substantial amount of growing up.
She exhibits an excessive financial dependence upon others--Bobby and KT initially, then JD, and for a short time myself. When faced with the fact that she may have to own up to personal responsibility, as was indirectly brought up when I'd voiced concerns to JD, she behaved in the worst possible manner as a rational adult: She fled.
When she moved in with JD and I, she wasn't moving in so she would stop accruing debt with Bobby and KT with the intention of paying them back (as it seemed)--She was fleeing from personal responsibility of getting a job, holding a job, and supporting herself, by seeking an area where it wouldn't weigh as heavily upon her mind. Or such is what I can surmise from that. If I were to try and lay any form of guess on what a subconscious thought might have been, it would be somewhere along the lines of, "I don't want to work. Working is hard. JD can work for me. He loves me. He wouldn't mind. I'll go live with JD."
Whether or not that's the case, I have no idea. I'm not her. But that's the best guess that I can come up with, based upon my observations of her over the duration of her stay here, as well as conversations I've had with other individuals who also had extensive experience with her.
She seems to have an inflated sense of the severity of her own problems--A twisted delusion of grandeur, if you will. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as we all have that at times, but usually individuals grow out of those. Or, at the very least, they learn to temper them with harder, actual experiences in life, and not an imagined expansion of pain. A rough translation of what I just typed would be likening it to a child bumping their head, and crying as though they've just been beaned with a cricket bat--When, in reality, it was just a little thunk on a counter while standing up.
In a point of personal frustration with that fact, I've lost count of how many times it aggravated the shit out of me where she let herself use that (as I saw it) overexaggeration of personal issues and pains as something of a crutch. It's been said that my frustration came off as arrogance. I suppose I can thinly stretch my imagination and see where that point of view can come from, but really? I would think I have a right to any arrogance that might have been there, by sheer scope of what I have justifiably had to deal with in life. At least by comparison to the trivialities that she's encountered.
I find my own trials and tribulations trivialized when faced with an individual who has gone through more shit than I have and still maintains a semblance of badassery. I also strive to be better, to rise above, and to face any challenges that come my way, inspired by that fact. Even if a person is a total asshole, I can respect what someone's gone through--And I have a sincere want to go through more than they have, so that I can one day spit in the face of their assholery.
Jess, from my observations, does not have this sort of thing. Instead, she becomes indignant, and goes off to rant in a fairly puerile fashion to whomever may offer a sympathetic ear.
Am I being arrogant, haughty, or egotistical in my phrasing here? It's entirely possible. Frankly, I don't care. In all straightforward and simple honesty, she's lost her status as a respectable human being in my eyes. The baseline respect which I give to anyone and everyone I meet has been lost. She hasn't gained an attendant hatred from me that the few others who have reached this point did, but she has lost any semblance of respect. In that, I don't particularly see it as arrogance so much as it is an individual speaking about a temper-tantruming chimp, or other less-evolved lifeform. Harsh wording, I suppose, but I really could care two shits less right now.
.. Okay, I suppose that wasn't exactly a flow-chart format of examples. Oh well. I feel better after venting that out.
Moving back to the point I'd made initially--A parent may dislike and abhor how a child is responding to various situations and encounters, but that doesn't mean they love them any less. A child may throw fits, act in a fashion unbecoming of a decent human being, or just downright fuck up in certain things. This happens. And a parent--At least one of any decent standing--continues to love them regardless, while trying to correct the problem at hand in the child's behavior.
With Jess, it was similar to this, I think, for what JD was trying to do. Much as a parent would need to do with a child, he tried to have her change not necessarily because he wanted her to change, but rather wanted her to want herself to change. That he wanted to see the changes happen is irrelevant, as I don't think it entered his mind for an instant to be acted upon in such a direct fashion.
That she views it as such is a sign that, to me, she really doesn't comprehend the value of her own life, or the impact that it can have upon others. Nor does she really grasp the totality of the fact that her actions can, and do, have repercussions--both on herself and others. Though it's another rant all its own, this is evidenced in part by the lack of care for her own health (in terms of, at base level, dietary habits) in light of other justifiable medical disorders that she has.. Ones that, in all likelihood, were brought about by that lack of attention and visceral understanding of how actions have repercussions.
Lastly, I doubt she really even can conceive what love really is--What it means, and how it can twist an individual's heart and soul into absolute bliss or complete annihilation. I don't think she has, in her present state, the capacity to love. I think she knows the motions, and she may feel rudimentary attractions, but love? No. I feel it well beyond the scope of her comprehension.