(no subject)
yesterday was bad. i woke at 5am with that oh so familiar itch. it hurts and it's all i can do not to run downstairs to get it. instead i just walk. i didn't plan on doing a lot, a couple lines, or a couple shots and i was going to get back to bed and get some rest since i don't get much of that anymore. anyway, at some point, i don't know when, i managed to pick myself up off the floor and come back upstairs. i remeber being awake, like totally with it for a bit, then doing some more and then i don't remember shit. it's pretty bad. i don't even know what happens. i get in a state where it's like i'm dreaming, but i know i'm awake. you know in movies where the person is dying, and they're eyes get all glazed over but they're still alive? i swear that's what it's like. and once i get like that i have no concept of time. i can't even move. i'm paralyzed in every way. i think i forget to breathe, and i'm honestly beginning to believe that my heart stops beating, save it work i guess. i have a heart murmer because of all the shit i do. i remember when i kind of had my shit together, when i had the business, and was making legal money. i miss that, but not enough to kick my habit. if i could do both, i would and never think twice about it. i wasn't ever happy, but it made me feel like i was worth a lot more. i'm still worth plenty i guess, but not in my own mind.