(no subject)
being young, you think about how your life is going to turn out. it's funny how as a child you never see it turning out for the worse, you always see yourself doing something successful. unfortunately, imaginations wear down as we get older, and reality smacks us in the face and hardships are presented. looking at my life now, if i had known i was destined for such shit i probably would have ended it years ago when i truly felt like i had nothing to keep me going. i can't even look myself in a mirror anymore because i get scared. it's ironic how i can say that, and still do what i do. they say when you start to get to that point where you don't know who you are and have really lost yourself it makes you want to stop the drugs and try to get your life back on track. i don't think that. i never have. i don't know if that means i haven't gotten to that point yet, or whether i blew right by it without stopping to take a second glance.
my friend thomas envies me. he's a hardcore junkie like me, and comes by every other day, twice a day on saturday. it's sick that people have these schedules with me, but it's their money that keeps me staying in the same place. he says he wishes he had my life. i own my own house, own, i've paid it all off and i will admit, it's a nice place, it's taken me a long time, but it doesn't matter. i have vehicles, i take off on vacations whenever i want but it's nothing to be proud of, more to be ashamed of. all these things that i have, and do, the good things at least. i kind of wish for a legitimate life sometimes, a real job, a real work ethic to get me the things that i want or need, but i know i could never make it. lately i've been handed a lot of advice on how to get clean. i soak it in along with the cigarette smoke and nod, knowing it's riduculous to me, because i can't do that. my friend tex gets clean by spending days locked up in his house. my friend shelly goes to her parents. none of that works for me, mainly because my house is littered with drugs, and i don't dare go submit myself to torture with my mother, if i was really that desperate, i think i'd just hang myself and save myself a lot of agony. i can't get clean. i've tried and tried, and it's always the same end result. it's not will power i lack...it's just that, i guess i lack the want. i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't get high anymore and i think that's what terrifies me the most.
my friend thomas envies me. he's a hardcore junkie like me, and comes by every other day, twice a day on saturday. it's sick that people have these schedules with me, but it's their money that keeps me staying in the same place. he says he wishes he had my life. i own my own house, own, i've paid it all off and i will admit, it's a nice place, it's taken me a long time, but it doesn't matter. i have vehicles, i take off on vacations whenever i want but it's nothing to be proud of, more to be ashamed of. all these things that i have, and do, the good things at least. i kind of wish for a legitimate life sometimes, a real job, a real work ethic to get me the things that i want or need, but i know i could never make it. lately i've been handed a lot of advice on how to get clean. i soak it in along with the cigarette smoke and nod, knowing it's riduculous to me, because i can't do that. my friend tex gets clean by spending days locked up in his house. my friend shelly goes to her parents. none of that works for me, mainly because my house is littered with drugs, and i don't dare go submit myself to torture with my mother, if i was really that desperate, i think i'd just hang myself and save myself a lot of agony. i can't get clean. i've tried and tried, and it's always the same end result. it's not will power i lack...it's just that, i guess i lack the want. i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't get high anymore and i think that's what terrifies me the most.