(no subject)
Title: Over Time
Chapter: Seventeen (17/17)
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 10441
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta: Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bare with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters
Sid wakes up to the remnants of a fuzzy erotic dream he can barely remember. The odds are that it was about Alex but he’s not certain. The images and sensations are already fading. He is inordinately pleased when he notices he’s still half hard. When he opens his eyes he sees that it’s light out so he climbs out of bed. His head doesn’t hurt at all; he feels a million times better than he did the day before.
When he wanders out to the kitchen he sees that coffee has been made and half the muffins are gone. Alex must be up already. Sid pours a glass of juice and goes out to the living room. The room is empty so he continues on to the deck. Alex is sprawled in one of the deck chairs drinking coffee, soaking up the late morning sun, still in his briefs. He smiles when he sees Sid.
“Sorry, I slept in,” Sid admits, shaking his head.
“Is okay,” Alex tells him. “Not up long. Just sitting.....” and he gestures at the view of the beach below them.
There are no clouds in sight and it’s warm already on the leeward side of the deck. Sid’s eyes slide over Alex’s body, legs out spread, slouched down into the Adirondack chair, cup of coffee resting on the arm beside him. Sid can see the evidence of his car accident; angry red scars slicing along his thigh and lower leg, evidence of multiple surgeries. He’s had a lot more than arthroscopic surgery, Sid thinks idly, and he wonders just how extensive Alex’s injuries were in the crash.
He’s got scars along the side of his chest as well and when Alex notices Sid looking at them he looks down himself and shrugs. “I broke ribs and my lung collapse. Doctors had to put in…..” he pauses for a moment searching for the correct word, “chest tube?”
Sid just nods dumbly. He’s just glad Alex is alive.
Sid’s attention is drawn over Alex’s torso and he follows the trail of dark hair disappearing down into his briefs. Alex has his eyes shielded from the glare so thankfully he can’t see Sid perving on him. Despite his dietary failings Alex is much thinner than Sid remembers; his abdominal muscles more defined, more cut than in the past and Sid spends a moment watching his stomach move up and down with each breath. Sid pulls his eyes away before Alex can notice him staring or the fact that he’s starting to get hard.
“I’m going to take a shower,” Sid tells him, turning and stretching as he goes. He’s still only wearing his boxers and he imagines he can feel Alex’s eyes on his naked back.
Sid turns on the shower and when he’s washing himself he thinks of Alex. He tilts his head back and lets the water run over his face and into his mouth as he slowly wraps his hand around his cock and begins to stroke it in a deliberate rhythm. In the shower with Alex in the next room isn’t the time for a leisurely jerk off session. Sid needs to be efficient so he concentrates on the task at hand. He also needs to be able to meet Alex’s eyes afterwards so he presses his lips together so no sounds escape.
He needs this badly though. It’s been a long fucking time. He hasn’t had any kind of sex since Christine and even those few bungled occasions hadn’t been terribly successful. Sid’s just mostly thrilled that he’s able to get hard again at all. He’s been worried about his libido over the past year and been reluctant to put it to any sort of test. Obviously it just took getting close to Alex again.
He leans against the wall when he comes, then washes off carefully. When he comes out of the bathroom Alex is dressed and sitting in the living room looking through the games. He looks up and smiles into Sid’s eyes, warm and heartfelt, a look that Sid remembers from long ago-almost. It’s different now, newer, not cheeky or deliberately suggestive, but open and still encouraging. Sid feels his heart lifting and he smiles back.
“You hungry?” Alex asks him. “There are some muffins left.”
“No, not really,” Sid answers.
He looks outside a minute and then tells Alex, “We should go for a walk on the beach.”
“Yeah. Sure,” Alex tells him immediately and so they are off.
They take their time. Sid is conscious of how Alex is favoring his knee as they pick their way down the slope through beach grass and loose sand. Sid’s deficits are almost gone but he still treads carefully, conscious that he needs to take care, that his body may betray him if he doesn’t watch it carefully. He thinks for a moment what a sad pair the two of them make, both with their injuries. But it’s too glorious a day to be preoccupied with such thoughts.
It’s a beautiful morning. The beach is near deserted. It’s midweek and summer is nearing an end. People are busy with back to school preparations. It’s always been Sid’s favorite time of the summer. He’s likes having the beach to himself. Sometimes summer’s end is a bit sad, things coming to a close, but this year Sid can’t help but let himself thing that maybe something could be just starting.
They walk companionably along the shore break, letting the water just reach their feet and Sid can’t resist nudging Alex with his shoulder, pushing him down the beach and out into deeper water. A wave rolls in, splashing them both and getting Alex’s shorts wet.
“Is freezing,” Alex tells him grumpily and adjusts his clinging pant leg.
“It is not,” Sid laughs. “This is warm, man. You’d think a Russian could stand a little cold.”
Alex smiles but doesn’t say anything. He’s being quieter this morning; not joking and he seems slightly out of place on the beach. It’s a context Sid has never imagined him in and it seems slightly unfamiliar. Alex is wearing a baggy t-shirt and board shorts, just like Sid, but he still seems foreign, slightly exotic, something that doesn’t quite fit into the landscape. Seeing Alex here with him has Sid squinting to imagine him in his life.
When they reach the end of the beach Sid leads them away from the water and up to where the vegetation begins. Rolling hillocks of grass stretch back to where the pine forest starts. Sid gets to the top of a knoll and then sits down facing the sea just below the summit, leaning back on his elbows and looking down at the beachscape. The wind coming off the water is cool but where they are the lip of the hill shelters them. It’s warm in the sun. Sid watches the gulls swooping over the waves along the shoreline. It’s silent except for the occasional sound of their cries.
At first when Alex says it Sid things he’s misheard. He turns his head and says cautiously, “What?”
Alex is still looking down at the beach. He clears his throat and starts again. “I say I thought of you all the time,” he muses, but then shakes his head. “But is not right. Should say, more like, I still think of you all the time.”
Alex takes some of the sea grass and wraps it around his finger and Sid waits for him to say more. It’s so quiet. All he can hear are the gulls and the waves.
“Look, Sid,” Alex starts. “Maybe stupid for me to say. After so long. But you invite me out here, and is nice, is good to see you again. But is hard. Not sure why you ask me here. Wonder maybe shouldn’t have come.”
Sid looks back up to his face. Alex’s expression is pinched, his lips pressed into a determined line.
Sid says softly, “Alex.” It’s still earlier than he meant - he was going to wait until dinner, when he’d made dinner, he was going to say everything, and they’d have all the time in the world. Or maybe that’s just another way for Sid to delay, to put things off until it’s too late. He’s done enough of that already.
“Look, Alex,” he starts again, determined to see this through.
Alex interrupts him. “Is okay, Sid. You told me long time ago. Is hard for you. Maybe too hard. Won’t work. I understand.”
And Sid shakes his head because that really isn’t what he wants Alex to think at all. He takes Alex’s hand in his and tells him, “Alex, I told my parents about you.”
Alex blinks in surprise. “What?”
Sid lets out a sigh. Alex is going to make him say everything, he knows it, and he realizes it’s okay. He lets out a long breath.
“When I told them I was gay. My mom asked me if there was someone special,” Sid admits. He shuts his eyes for a moment before he continues. “I told them that there was but that I was stupid, and I screwed up, and I was afraid it was too late. “ He pauses then, squeezing Alex’s hand.
Alex’s voice is rough when he asks, “What did they say?”
“They told me I needed to tell you. That I needed to try.” Sid shakes his head and looks up. “So yeah, that’s why I called you.”
Alex doesn’t say anything. He just squeezes Sid’s hand back and Sid searches for the words for the next part. As usual Sid feels like he’s got things backwards or jumbled around. Alex wasn’t supposed to speak about this first but just like Alex he had. Maybe he shouldn’t have come half way around the world to see Sid again. But he did. Alex was fearless when it came to matters of the heart. And here he was waiting patiently for Sid to tell him something.
“I’ve been thinking a lot, about the past. About us. And I think we did it wrong. I know I made a lot of mistakes.” Alex’s hand isn’t still anymore; it’s trembling. “I think it might have been a mistake that first night in the cab when I kissed you. I was so, so drunk.” Sid laughs.
Alex’s hand tenses abruptly and he tries to pull it away but Sid won’t let go. “Then why...?” He asks tightly.
A nervous laugh bursts out of Sid and he shakes his head. “Why did I kiss you? Fuck, I couldn’t help it. You made me crazy. I’d never been with a guy, ever. And when we did those things, it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. But it was the same the next time and then the next,” Sid rushes on before he can lose his nerve.
“As soon as you’d leave, all I could think about was when I could see you again. I never thought about being gay or what it would mean but I knew I wanted to be able to do those things with you all the time. I didn’t ever want to have to stop.”
Alex breathes out deeply. “Was like that for me too.”
Sid nods thoughtfully. “But that’s what I wanted to say,” Sid continues, after he’s finished absorbing that, staring with his eyes narrowed at Alex’s averted profile. He pauses to choose his words carefully. He knows he has to get this part right.
“I know now that I’m gay. And I’m going to be open about it.”
Sid watches Alex’s face for any kind of reaction but it’s as if it’s made of stone.
“It’s not just because of you, though. I mean, you were the first guy I was ever with….”
Sid watches Alex unconsciously fist his hand and pauses, “…you’re still the only man I’ve been with….” The fist loosens slightly, and Sid feels a glimmer of hope return after Alex’s tenseness. Maybe, just maybe it’s not too late to start over again.
“But still….it’s not like you turned me into something I wasn’t already,” Sid rambles.
He knows he’s not explaining this right; as usual, words fail him. “By making a mistake, I don’t mean you were a mistake. I mean we just did everything out of order.”
Alex’s expression changes to one of puzzlement and Sid plunges on to explain further. “We did it wrong. And I regret that. I know you must be wondering, wondering why I invited you here. And I, um, I want to apologize. And I want to try to fix it. When we first started to.....get together, it was all backwards and fucked up. I’d be really drunk, and it would be amazing, but, but we’d never talk, and I didn’t think, I didn’t realize how much you meant to me.”
Alex is nodding now, and he’s looking at Sid and smiling softly. His hand is warm in Sid’s.
Sid clears his throat. “But what I want to say is - I want to try to do this right. If it’s not too late. Before it was sex first and -“
Alex leans across the empty space between them, sliding sideways, and kisses Sid. It’s awkward, both of the twisting sideways, Sid slightly higher up the hill so they have to stretch but Alex tastes the same as Sid remembers. He smells the same and his lips are as soft as he remembers them being. The want they have always felt is still there, the kind of electricity that arced between them yesterday in the rain. The kiss is unbearably tender.
Alex lifts his head a centimetre, staring into Sid’s eyes. Sid can’t speak and Alex is smiling, the expression on his face warm and full of laughter, sweet and breathless. “I know,” he whispers, and his breath gusts on Sid’s lip.
“Alex,” Sid finally rasps out, “I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it.”
Sid knows he has to say it; it’s different from thinking it, and different from all the other things you can say that mean the same.
Alex is suddenly on top of Sid, a warm, long legged armful that’s as heavy and substantial as Sid remembers. There’s a rock digging into his shoulder and he can feel sand getting into his shirt but Sid doesn’t care. He’s trapped in the circle of Alex’s arms and he holds on too, as hard as he can.
Their lips just touch and they’re still for a moment, their mouths closed, as they let the awareness of it shudder through them. Sid breathes and it breaks the spell, Alex’s mouth opening over his with a soft gasp, and their tongues touch and twist around each other, fast and slow all at once.
Sid can’t help but spread his thighs and Alex nestles between them with a sigh, adjusting his hips for more contact. The movement slides into an unchoreographed dance, their hips and hands fumbling, grasping and rubbing at each other. It feels amazing but suddenly there are people walking on the beach below them and Sid can hear a dog barking nearby. Alex buries his face in Sid’s neck finally, breathing heavily. He lets out a frustrated sigh and stops grinding against Sid.
Sid can feel Alex’s hardness pressing into him, but they’ve given it up for the moment. Sid soothes his hands up and down the trembling muscles of Alex’s back and strokes his hair. Alex sighs and kisses his neck and says indistinctly, “Waste too much time.”
“We’ve lasted this long,” Sid points out, smiling up at Alex, and leans up for another kiss. Even though Sid closes his eyes their lips find each other unerringly again and again. They relax into each other, not totally comfortable so exposed on the hillside but determined to not let that matter for the moment.
“We should stop,” Alex says hoarsely against his mouth.
“I know,” Sid says. Alex makes to slide off of Sid but he holds him there for another moment, unwilling to let go so soon.
Finally Sid sighs and drops his arms so that Alex can roll down beside him. A Labrador Retriever carrying a stick runs up to them to say hello, his tail wagging madly. He’s soaking wet and covered in sand and when he reaches them he shakes so that both of them are covered it too.
Alex laughs and says something in Russian, turning away from the still shaking dog. Sid rolls onto his stomach and covers his eyes until the dog moves out of range. The owner calls his dog back and offers an apology which Sid waves off.
He pulls up his t-shirt to try to wipe the clinging sand off his face and when Alex reaches over and runs his fingers down his ribs, Sid shivers. They sit cross legged facing towards each other and Alex brushes some sand off Sid’s cheek with his thumb and then leans down and kisses the corner of his eye and then his cheekbone.
“God,” Sid murmurs, brushing his lips across Alex’s lips. “Too long.”
He falls back down on the grass and pulls Alex with him. Now that he finally has him back Sid can’t stop touching him. He tightens his arm around Alex’s waist, and gently kisses his jaw, which is what he can reach. “Maybe we won’t go quite yet.”
They lay there wrapped around each other, dozing in the sun, with Alex draped over Sid, in an impossibly uncomfortable position. Alex’s forehead is pressed against Sid’s neck, next to his ear so he can smell his hair. For a long time Sid doesn’t do anything but catalogue the points on his body where Alex touches him, feel their combined warmth.
When they’ve helped each other up and have brushed as much sand off of themselves as they can and turn to walk back to the cabin Alex throws his arm over Sid’s shoulder and says in a conversational tone, “I’m not leaving.”
Sid presses in close rather than pulling away from the contact and gives Alex a questioning look, wondering if he means to stay on the beach all day.
“You,” Alex elaborates. “Not leaving you.”
Sid’s eyes drop, and he smiles, “I really hope you won’t.”
They walk back down the beach, close to the water line and laugh when the retriever charges back out into the waves after the gulls. A woman and child approach them and Sid tenses without thinking so that Alex’s arm is gone in a second. He steps a little to the side so they are no longer touching and Sid immediately hates the loss of contact. It’s no good at all.
Before the woman gets to them he reaches out and takes Alex’s hand in his and refuses to let go. He looks at the woman as they pass, wondering if she will recognize him. She looks at the two of them and smiles openly but says nothing. There is no recognition on her face and then the moment is past. Alex says nothing either but when Sid looks up at him he’s smiling.
They shower and change before they drive into town to get some lunch. There aren’t a lot of places to choose from so they buy hotdogs at a stand by the public beach and wash it down with coke. When they’re done they go down to the dock and buy lobsters off a boat and Sid raises his eyebrows when Alex buys four instead of the two he’d suggested.
“What?” Alex asks with a laugh while they walk back up the ramp to the Jeep. Sid shoulders Alex, pushing him against the handrail and then sprints ahead of the other man. He feels giddy. He can’t remember ever being this happy in his life.
They stop off at the grocery store for salad ingredients and some potatoes to bake. Sid isn’t much of a cook but he has helped boil lobster before and he’s sure that when it comes down to it he’ll be able to make a salad and bake some potatoes. He’s still wondering if maybe he can sneak off and phone his mom for advice but discards the idea when he realizes she’ll try to pump him for information.
He throws more milk, butter, yogurt, and eggs in the cart and then dissolves in laughter when he sees what Alex has added. There are steaks, cookies and Cheesies, as well as a tub of ice cream.
Alex gives him a haughty look and tells him, “I buy food. I get to pick.”
Sid only shakes his head and wanders off to the produce isle to counteract the junk food with some berries and bananas. He’s thinking some ice cream may go down really well actually. They walk through the narrow aisles side by side, arms touching, and Sid finds the quiet intimacy of the touch slightly thrilling.
When they get to the single check out Sid sees it’s being manned by Mrs. McDonald, the store owner. Sid has known her all his life. He’s nothing special here, just young Sidney Crosby, Trina and Troy’s kid, the one who was so good at hockey. When she sees Sid she smiles broadly.
“Why, Sidney. It’s nice to see you! Are your parents in town too?”\
“No, not this trip,” He tells her. “Just me.”
He hesitates a second and then puts his hand on Alex’s arm and smiles at him saying, “And my friend, Alex.”
Sid smiles up at Alex and they smile at each other. He’s not going to say any more. It’s too fresh. It’s still so very new and private. He tells himself he’s not going to say anything else, only he does.
“He’s um, he’s my boyfriend, actually,” Sid surprises himself by saying. He can feel the muscles in Alex’s arm tense against him.
It’s much easier than he would have thought. He watches Mrs. McDonald blink once and her expression freeze for just a second but then she’s over it. He’s expecting surprise and even judgement from her, an elderly woman in a small Cape Breton town.
Instead, she gives them both a warm smile. “Well, I’m sure your mom is happy you’ve found someone nice,” she tells Sid as she rings up the last of the groceries.
He smiles in relief and turns to Alex, “Alex, this is Mrs. McDonald. I used to sneak into her yard and eat her plums.”
Mrs. McDonald slaps him on the arm good naturedly and then starts to bag his groceries. “I always wondered what happened to all the plums,” she laughed. “Don said it was the birds but I had my suspicions.”
Sid watched as Alex pays for the food and then gives in gracefully to a big hug and a kiss on the cheek while she tells him, “you be sure to say hello to your parents for me.”
They pick up the bags and turn to go. “Thanks Mrs. McDonald,” Sid tells her. “Well, it was good to see you.”
She gives them both another warm smile and tells them, “I was nice to see you too, Sidney. And very nice to meet you Alex.”
When they get into the car Alex leans across and kisses him thoroughly. Sid can’t help but respond though he reluctantly pulls away a couple minutes later, conscious of the fact they are in a grocery store parking lot.
He wipes the back of his hand over his lips and then smiles at Alex asking, “What was that for?”
Alex smiles back. “Just, you make me happy,” is all he says. He puts his sunglasses back on and then looks ahead although he does leave his hand resting on Sid’s thigh during the ride home. Sid grins the whole way back; he’s pretty happy himself.
When they get back to the cabin he starts working on dinner, attempting to look more confident than he feels about the preparations. He fills the big pot with water and puts it on the stove and makes a salad while Alex watches him, looking somewhat sceptical.
“You really cook, Sid?”
“Of course,” Sid tells him with false bravado. “Don’t you?”
Alex shakes his head and chuckles. “My mom cook for me. Freeze food. I heat up when she’s gone. Rest time team feeds me. Sometimes order out.”
Sid tries to look condescending but fails. It’s not a hell of a lot different than how he gets by. But tonight he’s cooking dinner damn it. He puts steak spice on the meat and leaves it on the counter while he goes out to warm up the barbeque. He’s only been out there a minute when he hears a shriek from the kitchen. It must be Alex but it’s surprisingly high for a man of his size. Sid races inside.
“What’s wrong?”
Alex is backed against the counter, opposite the box containing the lobsters, and there’s a lobster scuttling across the linoleum. When it changes direction and heads toward Alex he lets out another pitiful yelp and backs out of the room.
Sid can’t help but burst out laughing. “Why’d you let him go?”
Alex’s looking slightly bug eyed and he won’t take them from the lobster. “Is alive, Sid,” he gaps.
“Well, yeah,” Sid tells him. “You’ve had lobster before, haven’t you?”
Alex looks at him haughtily, struggling to regain his dignity. “Of course. But not moving around. Never attacking me,” he tells him, pointing at the floor.
Sid notices that one of the elastics has come off the lobster’s claw and he’s waving it around. “Did he get you?” he laughs.
Alex holds out his finger and Sid can see a red impression on the digit where the lobster had pinched him. He starts to laugh again.
“Yeah, not so funny if it you,” Alex grumps, although he does start to laugh.
After Sid’s managed to corral the escapee and put him in the boiling water with his cohorts they eat a companionable dinner and clean up the kitchen. Sid is feeling inordinately proud of himself and Alex seems impressed with dinner, especially for winning round two with the lobster.
That night, after sufficient time to digest their dinner, Sid takes Alex to bed. They’ve been sitting on the couch holding hands and watching the sun set, touching each other casually until they can wait no longer. Despite the urgency Sid finds he is unaccountably shy. He’s got butterflies in his stomach and he savours the edgy excitement of the moment. He’s been wanting this for a very long time.
Alex senses his nervousness and runs his palm down Sid’s arm soothingly, telling him, “Is okay”.
Sid smiles at the reassurance and nods. He believes it will be okay too but he wants it to be better than that. He wants the first time, after all this time, to be special. He wants to excel and the pressure he’s putting on himself is making his chest tight. Sid lets out a breath and wills himself to relax.
Alex takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze and suddenly Sid knows he can do this. The look of rapt affection on Alex’s face makes him realize it would be really hard to screw this up. It’s the first time in years that they lie together naked, their arms wrapped around each other, touching all up and down their bodies. Alex sucks under Sid's ear while Sid combs his fingers gently through Alex's hair and trails his fingers down Alex's sides, his quivering flanks.
When his fingers trace the cleft of Alex's ass, Alex shudders and gasps, and Sid kisses his forehead and one eyelid. He strokes Alex's back gently, but Alex is impatient, and he begins to thrust their pelvises gently together, their cocks rubbing and sliding past each other and against the tender skin at the tops of their legs. Sid gasps at the sensation and pulls away to reach for a condom and the gel.
Alex thrusts against him again. Sid wraps one hand around a still meaty hip and slows his movement long enough to probe at the entrance to Alex's body with a finger. Alex tenses and relaxes, and when the finger has slid deep into his welcoming heat, he groans and bites Sid's neck. Sid withdraws the finger, to another little moan, and replaces it with two. Another soft groan.
It’s how Sid loves to see Alex, coming undone from his touch. It’s what he’s been thinking about, dreaming of, for so long. Normally Alex is on his hands and knees, expectant, frantic, begging for it. Sid’s worried sometimes that he’s too rough, that he’ll hurt Alex, but he’s always taken everything Sid can give him and he never complains. All he’ll do is urge Sid to go harder, push back, and Sid will put his head down and go for it. But it’s not going to be like that tonight, not after all this time.
Conscious of Alex’s bad knee Sid tips them to their sides and Alex senses Sid’s intent, rolls off him and turns away. The broad, pale length of his back is perfect, hot and smooth. His legs curl up sweetly, and he nestles the full curve of his ass against Sid's groin, dropping his head forward. Sid wraps one arm around Alex and puts the other on his hip to steady him. After he has found the right angle and thrust in, Alex making soft encouraging groans in his throat, he catches Alex's hand in his and their fingers twine together. Sid pushes up a little further and Alex tilts his hips and takes him deeper.
It feels like Alex is claiming him, not the other way around, when they are fully joined, Sid folded in the hot depth of Alex's body. He presses a kiss on the nape of Alex's neck and rocks out and in twice, short shallow thrusts, emphatically.
"Mmmmmmmm," says Alex, and turns his head, demanding a kiss which Sid drops on his swollen lips.
Maybe they are claiming each other.
Sid tries to take it slow, drawing the pleasure out as long as possible. Alex is impatient. "No," he whispers when Sid slows again, and pushes himself back suggestively against Sid. He tightens around Sid hungrily, and says, "Come on. Finish it. Have all night," and Sid can't resist.
His voice is low and rough, warm, pitched just for Sid, so it makes his throat ache and melts his stomach into a tangled mess. He lets Alex set the rhythm of long, powerful thrusts, and soon they can't control it anymore, eyes closed and lips sealed imperfectly together in an awkward over-the-shoulder kiss as they speed up erratically, crying out at each new bit of pleasure.
They lie still a long time, with Sid curled around Alex, but before they sleep they make love again with Alex stretched out on his stomach, his hips propped on a pillow. Sid bends over him, and he takes him as gently as he can, slowly and surely, kissing the back of his neck when he enters him. Alex moans and rocks into the pillows, but he can't get leverage to try to make Sid go faster this time. Sid doesn’t think he would if he could.
Each thrust is slow and careful. At first Sid rests a while between each one, letting pleasure steal over them slowly and ebb again while he touches all of Alex that he can reach with his hands. He wants to learn every inch of Alex's skin again, the way it jumps under his touch, where it is so sensitive that Alex arches his back, where it makes him whimper Sid's name.
A steady pace gradually builds, and he goes in more deeply with harder thrusts. Alex's muscles clench around him. He's lost, in a fever of Alex, pale, warm skin, sheets tangled, and so, so long, too long, since he saw this place. He recognizes it now if he didn't then. He knows now what he’s lost and what he can have back again. When Sid comes both their faces are wet with tears.
Alex wakes him up in the middle of the night with a soft kiss, eyes shut, mouth closed, lips clinging, damp and ragged. Sid floats out of his dream and knows nothing but the feel of Alex's mouth on him. It is pitch black, curtains drawn and the lamps off. He lifts his arms and draws Alex down to him. They both smile. Sid doesn’t know if his eyes are open or closed.
He can't see Alex's hand before it finds the apex of his legs and wraps around his cock. There is only the darkness, Alex's mouth and his feather-light touch. Alex pauses for permission and Sid whispers "yes," spreading his legs apart. Their kiss breaks and goes on, and he feels nothing, then a light caress on his thigh.
There is a soft rustling as Alex prepares and then nothing. Then fingertips tease him, sliding in slowly, damp with something--saliva. God. Then heat, the blunt head of Alex's cock, sliding, scorching friction, Sid’s body coming alive, accepting Alex after so long, wrapping around him, taking him deep. Alex is the only person who has ever been here.
Alex and Sid shift back and forth, kissing and gasping and sighing, for a long time, content with slow tenderness, the gentle caress of their hands re-learning each other by feel and the less gentle, more urgent caress lower down. Their bodies are both slick with sweat. When they come, they shout it, hoarse and low.
Sid kisses Alex tenderly, finding each closed eyelid easily in the darkness, and then lets Alex's mouth settle over his again with a sigh. Alex pulls out gently and they pull the blankets up again before nestling in tight against Sid’s back, his knees matched with Sid’s. He wraps his arms around Sid, drawing him back tightly against his chest.
Sid thinks back to what Alex told him on the beach earlier. He’s sluggish now, sated and almost asleep. He twines his fingers with Alex’s and presses his hand against his chest before telling him, “I’ll never leave you either.”
Alex kisses his neck sleepily, smoothes a hand through his hair. They fall asleep. It's all good.
*****************************************
The next morning Sid is woken up by the insistent ringing of Alex’s cell phone on the bedside table. He tries to ignore it at first but it keeps ringing. They aren’t going to give up and apparently Alex doesn’t have it programmed to go to voicemail any time soon. Sid ends up elbowing Alex in the ribs to wake him.
Alex wakes with a groan. Sid remembers he’s not normally a morning person. They both stare at Alex’s phone for a moment before Alex works an arm free of Sid’s body and picks it up. He looks at the screen and then mutters something in Russian before swinging his legs over the side of the bed, turning his back to Sid, and finally answering it.
He appears to be answering a series of questions, all in Russian, and some of his explanations go on at some length. He appears at one point to be getting exasperated, his answers becoming more and more clipped. Sid slides up behind him and presses a kiss to the back of his neck, getting an impatient swat in reply. Not to be discouraged he slides a hand around Alex’s waist and runs his palm up his cock, palming it until Alex grunts softly and tries to inch away.
“Sid,” he hisses, covering the phone for a second. “Talking to my mom!” he explains, giving Sid a scandalized look.
Sid’s only reply is to roll back onto his back, let his legs splay apart, and run his hand over his own cock. He pushes his hips up suggestively and then smiles when Alex snaps his eyes away and goes back to his conversation. It doesn’t go on much longer. When he hangs up Alex gives Sid a dower look and curses him out loud and long in Russian. Sid figures it’s good he doesn’t understand what it all means.
“So, what did your mom want?” Sid asks cheerfully.
“She want to know how if work out with man I fly around world to go see,” Alex tells him with a small smile.
“What did you tell her?” Sid asks shyly.
Alex nods thoughtfully. “I tell her, I think maybe pretty good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Alex confirms, smiling crookedly.
Sid pulls him down and kisses him. He’s buoyantly optimistic that they’re going to work something out. He’s just not sure what Alex’s schedule is like after their visit. They haven’t really discussed anything.
“So what are your plans for the rest of the summer? How long do you have before you go to camp?” Sid asks him.
Alex thinks a moment and then tells him, “A month maybe? Have to check. Have to go home next week. Some business stuff and a wedding. Then back to Washington for training camp.”
Sid nods. It’s about what he thought; about the same schedule as the Penguins; when they start camp. He thinks for a minute and chews on his lip. Alex notices his hesitation and quirks an eyebrow at him. Sid nods once and then finds the words he needs to say, what he’s been thinking about since yesterday afternoon. It’s a lot more awkward than he thought it would be.
He runs his hand up Alex’s arm and asks him, “Hey, do you think in a few days we could go back to Halifax? I’d really like you to meet my parents,” Sid asks. “They’d really like to meet you,” he adds self-consciously.
Alex immediately smiles back. “It would be honor,” he tells him. Sid leans over and kisses him again.
**************************************
Sid calls his mom the same day and they negotiate a night for Sid to bring Alex over for dinner. She wants to meet him immediately but Sid wants to keep Alex to himself a bit longer. He can hear the excitement in her voice and Sid is pleased Alex has agreed to come home with him. More than anything he wants to prove to Alex that he is serious, that he’s not going to back out again, going to bolt and run like a coward. Bringing Alex home, introducing him to his immediate family is a huge step.
The drive back to Halifax goes more quickly than the one out. Before he knows it Sid has pulled up in his parents’ driveway and then slightly more surprisingly, he’s having an attack of nerves. It’s not that he thinks his mom and dad won’t get along with Alex because he does, it’s just… He doesn’t really know exactly what it is but it’s making him freeze in his seat, unable to open the door, and chewing on his lip. Alex notices immediately.
“You okay, Sid?” he asks sympathetically.
Sid jumps a little and then nods his head. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Just nervous, you know? First time.”
“First time what?” Alex asks him.
Sid feels his cheeks getting hot and he knows immediately he’s blushing. He huffs out a breath and hangs his head. This is kind of the most embarrassing part. “Um,” he mumbles while he rubs the back of his neck. “It’s like the first time I’ve ever brought someone home to meet them.”
Sid looks out the windshield before he continues softly, “There’s never been anyone I wanted to have them meet.”
When Sid looks back at Alex he looks slightly incredulous at that. “What about fiancé?” he asks.
Sid just shrugs and looks away. “I wasn’t in a very good place then,” he admits. “It wasn’t like that. Anyway, they never liked Christine. Everyone was really happy when we broke up.”
Sid notices that this news makes Alex smile a little and he squeezes Sid’s hand. “So, don’t have to worry about them not liking me?” he asks.
Sid smiles back. “No. It shouldn’t be a problem. They’ll like you more than Chris. No doubt.”
“Good.”
Sid nods. “Okay, let’s do this,” he tells Alex. The two of them get out of the car and go in to meet the Crosbys.
They walk up to the front door and the whole time Sid is conscious of Alex’s warmth beside him. Sid checks his watch at front door; they are exactly on time. He knows how his mom hates it when guests arrive early, when she’s not quite ready. He’s just about to open the door when Alex slips a hand down and firmly squeezes Sid’s ass. He jumps and turns to give Alex a dirty look but Alex only shrugs and tells him, “Owe you that.”
Sid scowls at him and then turns and opens the door after knocking a couple times. His mom is there immediately and hugs him before turning to Alex.
“Mom, I want you to meet Alex,” Sid manages to get out before Trina engulfs Alex in a firm hug as well. Alex hugs her back and smiles. And then they are whisked into the living room where Troy is waiting. Sid gets a companionable slap on the shoulder from his dad and then watches curiously while his dad shakes hands with Alex. The two of them are polite but it’s pretty clear that they aren’t sure yet what to make of each other.
Sid still can’t quite get over the fact that his dad doesn’t care that he’s gay so he’s as lost as anyone. Luckily Taylor has no such reservations. She immediately pulls Alex into a big hug before telling him she’s so glad to finally get to meet him. Alex laughs and ducks his head; Sid can tell that the two of them will get along fine.
Dinner goes well except that Trina keeps asking Alex millions of questions about himself and his family. Sid finds himself meeting Taylor’s rolling eyes and the two of them dissolve into giggles. To his credit Alex answers them all good naturedly and then eats so much of her appetizers that she’s completely won over. Troy follows along, only managing to interject a question about hockey occasionally before he’s sent out to grill steaks. Sid senses escape and pulls Alex up so they can keep him company on the deck, leaving Taylor to help their mom in the kitchen.
When they sit down to their meal Trina gets back to work and ends up grilling Sid and Alex on what their future plans are. It’s all okay except that the two of them haven’t talked about any of this stuff so Sid doesn’t know what a lot of the answers to her questions are. He listens along to Alex’s answers with as much interest as his parents.
“So, are you playing this year?” she asks Alex. “Sid mentioned that you’d been injured.”
“For sure,” Alex nods his mouth still full of baked potato. “I want to come back. Still want to play.”
Troy nods encouragingly. “How many more years you think you’ve got left in that knee?” he asks, genuinely concerned.
“Can’t say for sure. Is better than last year is all I can say now.” Alex takes another mouthful of potato and chews a moment before continuing. “Would like to win another Stanley Cup. Not quite ready to stop trying.”
Sid nods along. He gets it. He wishes he could still play as well. He’s cutting into his steak, which his dad had cooked just the way he likes it, when his mom comes up with another question, this time directed towards him. He’s just put a piece in his mouth when she finishes and he almost chokes on it.
“So what are you going to do, Sidney? Move to Washington?” she asks. Sid hears Taylor snort from the other side of the table. She knows this shit is getting to him.
Sid coughs before answering. “I don’t know, mom. We haven’t really talked about anything like that.”
Alex jumps in immediately. “Is okay with me. I have big house. Lots of room for Sid if he want.”
“I’m still working for the Penguins,” Sid tells them all a bit irritably because really, he’s an adult and he can plan this stuff for himself.
“Maybe do both, Sid,” Alex smooths. “I go on road trips. Maybe you work then?” He smiles reassuringly before starting in on his steak. “I’m sure we work something out,” he tells him waving dismissively before he starts chewing on a piece of meat.
“Dinner really good Mrs. Crosby, “he tells Trina, effectively changing the subject. Trina beams at him.
Dinner goes alright after that. Trina gets the idea that Sid doesn’t want to be pestered with a million questions so she keeps the conversation light. Troy and Alex find common ground in talking more about hockey while Trina updates Sid on what’s been going on with their extended family. Taylor splits her time talking hockey with Alex and Troy and listening in on the Crosby family gossip.
After dinner Trina asks Sid to help in the kitchen while the others go back to discussing hockey in the living room. The three of them have moved on from assessing the best players in the league to coaching systems when Sid and Trina leave them. In hindsight Sid should have known Trina was angling for a private talk but the evening had been going so well he missed the alarm bells that should have been ringing.
The two of them are almost done, just putting the final dishes in the dishwasher when Trina starts in with the questions again. She wants to know what Sid’s told Alex about his problems, about how he’s had substance abuse issues and depression. Sid tries not to sigh when he recognizes what she’s doing but Trina picks up on his vibe. She ups the ante and is immediately all up in his grill about how he needs to be honest.
Sid knows he does, he’s actually trying really hard but he’s just not ready to hit Alex with all his baggage. He’d just as soon not have to confess all the ways he’s stumbled in the time they were apart when they are first getting to know each other again. Trina isn’t having any of it and when she fails to get the appropriate response from Sid to her latest round of advice she turns on him with hands on her hips and starts in. Her voice is getting louder.
“Don’t you think you should tell Alex what’s happened, Sidney? If the two of you are going to have a relationship he needs to know about your…” She trails off before adding the word “problems” to sum it up; obviously having a difficult time choosing between the addiction to pain killers, the alcoholism, or the uncontrolled anxiety attacks and recurring depression. All of which Sid would sooner cut off a leg than tell Alex all about right now.
Sid crosses his arms and his voice tightens as he answers. “I know. And I will. I just haven’t found a good time yet. Just leave it for now though,” he warns her, struggling to keep his voice down.
Trina puts a hand on his arm, “Honey, don’t you see, you hold back, hold things in. It’s not good for you. You need to talk about these things. If he cares about you the way I think he does it won’t matter. But he needs to know what you’ve been struggling with. If you go out to the bar with Alex and the guys there will be a lot of temptation there. He needs to know you’re not drinking.”
“I have told him about that much,” Sid snaps.
“Well he needs to know about the rest too. And what about the counselor you liked in Pittsburgh? Don’t you want to keep seeing him? And coaching your team? What are you going to do in Washington, especially when Alex is away playing? Don’t you think it would be better for you to stay in Pittsburgh? It’s not so far from Washington. You could visit.”
Sid’s already thought of all these things and he’s got no clue what the hell he’s going to do. He loves Pittsburgh, likes the life he’s made for himself after hockey and the friends he has there but when it comes down to it he also wants to be with Alex. He’s just not thought about the nuts and bolts of it all yet.
Trina pats him on the arm, “I’m sure you two will work thinks out but I think the first step is to tell him what’s been going on with your health. He needs to know.”
Sid finally loses his patients and snaps out, louder than he intended, “I know mom. I’ll tell him when I’m ready. Just stop bugging me about it!”
Unfortunately Alex has taken this moment to come into the kitchen and looks from Trina to Sid. Sid runs his hand impatiently over his face. He knows that anger has colored his cheeks and he huffs irritably.
Alex looks from one to the other and softly asks, “Tell me what, Sid?”
Sid looks at both of them and his mouth gapes. Finally he just shakes his head and walks out of the room. He’s feeling lightheaded and knows it can be an early sign of an anxiety attack coming on. He keeps going through the living room, ignoring the glances from the others, and out to the deck by the barbeque. Sid drops down hard at the end of a lounge chair and puts his head in his hands. He’s pissed at his mom for pushing it but he’s also pissed at himself for letting it get to him so badly. He takes in a long shuddering breath.
Alex is beside him moments later and sits down on the lawn chair beside his. Alex gives him an inscrutable look and Sid finds himself turning away. He’s not sure how much of the conversation Alex overheard or what he’s made of it. It’s so damn frustrating. He scrubs his eyes because they are threatening to spill over with tears. He blinks them back and pulls his legs up on the chair and wraps his arms around his knees.
Alex continues to watch him carefully. “You okay?” He asks gently.
Sid only nods, not trusting his voice to speak. God, he hates when he gets like this. He purposely keeps his eyes averted so Alex can’t see how upset he is. He tries his relaxation routine, taking in slow deep breaths and willing his fingers and toes to relax.
He’s vaguely conscious of Alex standing up and then the lounger sinks as he sits down astride it behind Sid. Alex slides up closer and rests his chin on Sid’s shoulder and wraps his arms around him, his thighs bracketing Sid’s hips. He runs his hands up and down Sid’s arms, soothing him. It reminds Sid of Geno calming him during his anxiety attack, and for an improbable moment Sid thinks that the two of them should have been horse whisperers or something, except that Sid isn’t a horse.
“Sidney,” Alex urges softly.
“Yeah?” he croaks.
“You know, I listen to anything you wanna tell me, okay?”
Sid lets out a shuddering sigh but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know where to start. Obviously Alex has heard enough that he knows Sid has some things he doesn’t really want to talk about. Sid chews on his lip, trying to think of a way to get out of this conversation. Alex doesn’t say anything; he just lets the silence stretch on until Sid comes to his inevitable decision. He ducks his head and begins to speak.
“After I went home, after the accident, I wasn’t very well,” he admits. “Well, even before that. Probably for a long time really. I always drank a lot. Too much sometimes. I never really fit in with everyone else. And the drinking made things easier.”
Sid lets out a bitter little laugh. It’s alcohol that he has to thank for ever getting together with Alex in the first place so he figures he has to take the good with the bad on that one.
“And I’d take pills for whatever hurt,” he shrugs. “Headaches, concussion…”
Alex makes a soothing noise and continues to rub his hands up and down Sid’s forearms, his chin an anchoring weight, keeping him from spinning away into the void.
He continues. “After the accident, when I found out I couldn’t play anymore, it got to be too much. I was with Christine and it wasn’t working and we’d fight. I was awful. It was a mess. She finally left and I don’t blame her. I kind of hit the skids. I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore.”
Sid keeps going, knowing once he starts he needs to finish even though he has to shut his eyes in shame. “If it wasn’t for Geno, I’d probably be dead now,” he concludes sadly. “But the guys helped me get through it and things are better now. But I still have to be careful and I’ve been seeing a councilor still and mostly I’m okay.” He blows out a long breath and wraps it up. “So yeah, that was what my mom wanted me to tell you, so you’d know. It’s just kind of hard to talk about.”
Alex says something softly in Russian and then presses a gentle kiss to the angle of Sid’s neck. He pulls Sid back in even closer.
“Is okay, Sidney,” he says. “She just worried for you. Just want you to be okay.”
Sid smiles softly, “Yeah, I know.”
Alex meshes their fingers together and squeezes softly. “You think that stuff scare me away?”
Sid just shrugs. It’s exactly what he’s afraid of.
Alex kisses him on the neck again before telling him, “It don’t. Is nothing other guys don’t do. I know too what is like to lose everything. Not easy. Maybe, the two of us, we find something new together?”
Sid nods again and tells him, “I’m a little better now. I’m mostly okay. But it’s still there,” he warns. “It’ll never go away. I have to be careful. I’m never going to be normal.”
Alex laughs softly. “Who say I want normal? Never say that.”
Sid snorts. Come to think of it, if anyone could handle a partner who wasn’t normal, it would probably be Alex. Sid’s absolutely sure of few things in life but one of them is Alex’s ability to roll with whatever comes his way.
“Maybe part of what I like about Sidney?"
Sid can’t help but laugh at that. He hadn’t realized that being a complete basket case could be appealing.
“So, you’re saying that neurotic, former hockey players turn you on?” Sid chuckles.
“Maybe,” Alex ponders.
Sid twists his head around and grins. Alex is grinning back and kisses him on the cheek. Sid leans forward again and looks at his hands. He pushes at a loose piece of skin on the edge of his thumb a minute.
“So, what do we do?” he asks Alex.
“What you mean?”
Sid takes one of Alex’s hands in his and examines the wide, strong fingers, heavily boned and solid. “I mean, you’re going back to Washington to training camp?”
Alex gives him a sound of assent and Sid continues. “And I’m still in Pittsburgh. At least I was thinking I’d be there. I don’t even know…” Sid trails off. He hates this, this being up in the air. He’s always had a game plan, everything mapped out so that he knows where he’s going next, always had his parents or the team organizing his every move. Now it’s all up to him. He’s got to decide what he wants to do, what’s best for him.
Alex starts to laugh. “You worry too much, Sidney,” he chuckles. “Don’t know if I’ll play yet or no. Maybe go to Pittsburgh? Who knows? Or we go back and forth. Just let’s see how it goes. Okay?”
Sid doesn’t say anything and he gets a sharp nudge in the ribs in response. “Okay?” Alex asks him again, more insistently.
“Okay,” Sid yips when Alex digs between his ribs again.
“That’s better,” Alex tells him. “See, everything work out amazing. Especially now you have great Russian boyfriend,” he laughs, nuzzling into Sid’s neck.
Sid can’t help but chuckle as well. It’s hard to remain gloomy and neurotic in the face of such resolute optimism. He examines Alex’s hand again, matches their fingers together so that he can see how much longer Alex’s are than his. There’s something he needs to clear up, something that’s preyed on his mind for a long time.
“Alex, I have to say something else. I know I messed up before with us. That I hurt you a lot. And it may seem like I said some things that I didn’t mean but I really did.”
Alex gives his arms a soft squeeze. “Yeah?”
“Yeah…” Sid moistens his lips, nodding. “I really do love you. I do now and I did before only I didn’t prove it very well. I wish I’d been stronger. But I wasn’t and it took a while to figure things out. But I’m glad I did. And I just really want you to know that I love you and I have for a long, long time,” Sid concludes lamely.
Jesus. Once he’s gotten started on talking about these feeling there’s just no stopping him. It’s just flowing out of him like so much verbal diarrhea.
“In fact, I’ m so in love with you it’s unreal. The door is that way…..…” he points down the driveway in case this flood of feelings is enough to send him running.
Alex laughs sharply. “Not necessary, Sidney.”
“So you’re not freaking out?”
“No,” Alex confirms, resting his chin back on his shoulder. Sid thinks it probably belongs there forever. “Anyway, moms won’t let us mess this up.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Sid giggles, relieved at Alex’s response.
“Is probably better to stay here and deal with it.” Alex nods sagely.
Sid cranes his head around so that he can look at Alex for a second and smiles at him shyly. “Well…then maybe this is the time to warn you that I don’t actually love you in a laidback, manly kind of way.” Sid chews on his lip.
“No?”
“Oh nooooo, ‘fraid not,” Sid shakes his head to emphasize his words, “It’s in a really messy, emotional way. It may even involve bad poetry,” he concludes morosely.
“Serious?”
“Yeah.”
“What else?”
Sid ponders it a moment. “Maybe violins? And candles.”
“Blushing?” Alex prompts.
“Oh God, probably,” Sid confirms, resting his face against his forearm so that his quickly reddening cheeks are not showing. “So, I mean, it’s um, pretty intense.”
“Oh sure,” Alex agrees understandingly. “You think maybe it mean having sex on bearskin rug by fireplace?” Alex asks hopefully, shifting suggestively behind him.
“Maybe.”
“Don’t sound too bad.”
“No, I kind of like that part too,” Sid confirms. They both sit quietly a moment before Alex speaks.
“So you want me to say it back, Sid?” Alex asks, laughter in his voice.
“What? Sid cranes around again to look in Alex’s eyes.
“Say I love you?”
“Oh, no,” Sid shakes his head dismissively. “You don’t have to. I mean, you should only say it when you want to or when you really mean it, you know. So, yeah no….”
“Okay,” Alex agrees quickly and then can barely keep himself from laughing when he notices Sid’s brow crease with a frown.
“Sooo….” Sid clears his throat and starts chewing on his thumbnail.
Alex leans his head sideways, studying Sid with amusement and obvious adoration. “You know, could maybe say it now and mean it,” he reveals quietly.
“Yeah?” Sid beams at him.
“Course,” Alex confirms. “But have to tell you, is in most manly, Russian way ever. Not how you describe it. Just so clear.”
“Oh, yeah, okay,” Sid quickly agrees.
Alex can’t contain himself any longer and he starts to laugh. He pulls Sid around so he’s got him pinned down on the lounger with himself astride his hips on top. Sid struggles indignantly but he’s outweighed and overpowered and can’t get away. All he can do is watch helplessly while Alex leans down and plans a light kiss on the end of his nose.
They lay still faces inches apart just studying each other’s faces with small smiles. Alex ruffles Sid’s hair affectionately and then kisses him, this time on the lips.
“You know, Sid,” he starts. “I think I maybe might love you in that messy, emotional way too,” he admits. “I think prolly always did. Just so we clear.”
“Good to know,” Sid tells him.
He draws a finger slowly along Alex’s cheekbone, across his forehead, down his cheek, memorizing every inch that makes his boyfriend so perfect.
“I think we’re going to make it this time,” he tells Alex softly.
“Yeah. Me too.”
The End
Chapter: Seventeen (17/17)
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 10441
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta: Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bare with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters
Sid wakes up to the remnants of a fuzzy erotic dream he can barely remember. The odds are that it was about Alex but he’s not certain. The images and sensations are already fading. He is inordinately pleased when he notices he’s still half hard. When he opens his eyes he sees that it’s light out so he climbs out of bed. His head doesn’t hurt at all; he feels a million times better than he did the day before.
When he wanders out to the kitchen he sees that coffee has been made and half the muffins are gone. Alex must be up already. Sid pours a glass of juice and goes out to the living room. The room is empty so he continues on to the deck. Alex is sprawled in one of the deck chairs drinking coffee, soaking up the late morning sun, still in his briefs. He smiles when he sees Sid.
“Sorry, I slept in,” Sid admits, shaking his head.
“Is okay,” Alex tells him. “Not up long. Just sitting.....” and he gestures at the view of the beach below them.
There are no clouds in sight and it’s warm already on the leeward side of the deck. Sid’s eyes slide over Alex’s body, legs out spread, slouched down into the Adirondack chair, cup of coffee resting on the arm beside him. Sid can see the evidence of his car accident; angry red scars slicing along his thigh and lower leg, evidence of multiple surgeries. He’s had a lot more than arthroscopic surgery, Sid thinks idly, and he wonders just how extensive Alex’s injuries were in the crash.
He’s got scars along the side of his chest as well and when Alex notices Sid looking at them he looks down himself and shrugs. “I broke ribs and my lung collapse. Doctors had to put in…..” he pauses for a moment searching for the correct word, “chest tube?”
Sid just nods dumbly. He’s just glad Alex is alive.
Sid’s attention is drawn over Alex’s torso and he follows the trail of dark hair disappearing down into his briefs. Alex has his eyes shielded from the glare so thankfully he can’t see Sid perving on him. Despite his dietary failings Alex is much thinner than Sid remembers; his abdominal muscles more defined, more cut than in the past and Sid spends a moment watching his stomach move up and down with each breath. Sid pulls his eyes away before Alex can notice him staring or the fact that he’s starting to get hard.
“I’m going to take a shower,” Sid tells him, turning and stretching as he goes. He’s still only wearing his boxers and he imagines he can feel Alex’s eyes on his naked back.
Sid turns on the shower and when he’s washing himself he thinks of Alex. He tilts his head back and lets the water run over his face and into his mouth as he slowly wraps his hand around his cock and begins to stroke it in a deliberate rhythm. In the shower with Alex in the next room isn’t the time for a leisurely jerk off session. Sid needs to be efficient so he concentrates on the task at hand. He also needs to be able to meet Alex’s eyes afterwards so he presses his lips together so no sounds escape.
He needs this badly though. It’s been a long fucking time. He hasn’t had any kind of sex since Christine and even those few bungled occasions hadn’t been terribly successful. Sid’s just mostly thrilled that he’s able to get hard again at all. He’s been worried about his libido over the past year and been reluctant to put it to any sort of test. Obviously it just took getting close to Alex again.
He leans against the wall when he comes, then washes off carefully. When he comes out of the bathroom Alex is dressed and sitting in the living room looking through the games. He looks up and smiles into Sid’s eyes, warm and heartfelt, a look that Sid remembers from long ago-almost. It’s different now, newer, not cheeky or deliberately suggestive, but open and still encouraging. Sid feels his heart lifting and he smiles back.
“You hungry?” Alex asks him. “There are some muffins left.”
“No, not really,” Sid answers.
He looks outside a minute and then tells Alex, “We should go for a walk on the beach.”
“Yeah. Sure,” Alex tells him immediately and so they are off.
They take their time. Sid is conscious of how Alex is favoring his knee as they pick their way down the slope through beach grass and loose sand. Sid’s deficits are almost gone but he still treads carefully, conscious that he needs to take care, that his body may betray him if he doesn’t watch it carefully. He thinks for a moment what a sad pair the two of them make, both with their injuries. But it’s too glorious a day to be preoccupied with such thoughts.
It’s a beautiful morning. The beach is near deserted. It’s midweek and summer is nearing an end. People are busy with back to school preparations. It’s always been Sid’s favorite time of the summer. He’s likes having the beach to himself. Sometimes summer’s end is a bit sad, things coming to a close, but this year Sid can’t help but let himself thing that maybe something could be just starting.
They walk companionably along the shore break, letting the water just reach their feet and Sid can’t resist nudging Alex with his shoulder, pushing him down the beach and out into deeper water. A wave rolls in, splashing them both and getting Alex’s shorts wet.
“Is freezing,” Alex tells him grumpily and adjusts his clinging pant leg.
“It is not,” Sid laughs. “This is warm, man. You’d think a Russian could stand a little cold.”
Alex smiles but doesn’t say anything. He’s being quieter this morning; not joking and he seems slightly out of place on the beach. It’s a context Sid has never imagined him in and it seems slightly unfamiliar. Alex is wearing a baggy t-shirt and board shorts, just like Sid, but he still seems foreign, slightly exotic, something that doesn’t quite fit into the landscape. Seeing Alex here with him has Sid squinting to imagine him in his life.
When they reach the end of the beach Sid leads them away from the water and up to where the vegetation begins. Rolling hillocks of grass stretch back to where the pine forest starts. Sid gets to the top of a knoll and then sits down facing the sea just below the summit, leaning back on his elbows and looking down at the beachscape. The wind coming off the water is cool but where they are the lip of the hill shelters them. It’s warm in the sun. Sid watches the gulls swooping over the waves along the shoreline. It’s silent except for the occasional sound of their cries.
At first when Alex says it Sid things he’s misheard. He turns his head and says cautiously, “What?”
Alex is still looking down at the beach. He clears his throat and starts again. “I say I thought of you all the time,” he muses, but then shakes his head. “But is not right. Should say, more like, I still think of you all the time.”
Alex takes some of the sea grass and wraps it around his finger and Sid waits for him to say more. It’s so quiet. All he can hear are the gulls and the waves.
“Look, Sid,” Alex starts. “Maybe stupid for me to say. After so long. But you invite me out here, and is nice, is good to see you again. But is hard. Not sure why you ask me here. Wonder maybe shouldn’t have come.”
Sid looks back up to his face. Alex’s expression is pinched, his lips pressed into a determined line.
Sid says softly, “Alex.” It’s still earlier than he meant - he was going to wait until dinner, when he’d made dinner, he was going to say everything, and they’d have all the time in the world. Or maybe that’s just another way for Sid to delay, to put things off until it’s too late. He’s done enough of that already.
“Look, Alex,” he starts again, determined to see this through.
Alex interrupts him. “Is okay, Sid. You told me long time ago. Is hard for you. Maybe too hard. Won’t work. I understand.”
And Sid shakes his head because that really isn’t what he wants Alex to think at all. He takes Alex’s hand in his and tells him, “Alex, I told my parents about you.”
Alex blinks in surprise. “What?”
Sid lets out a sigh. Alex is going to make him say everything, he knows it, and he realizes it’s okay. He lets out a long breath.
“When I told them I was gay. My mom asked me if there was someone special,” Sid admits. He shuts his eyes for a moment before he continues. “I told them that there was but that I was stupid, and I screwed up, and I was afraid it was too late. “ He pauses then, squeezing Alex’s hand.
Alex’s voice is rough when he asks, “What did they say?”
“They told me I needed to tell you. That I needed to try.” Sid shakes his head and looks up. “So yeah, that’s why I called you.”
Alex doesn’t say anything. He just squeezes Sid’s hand back and Sid searches for the words for the next part. As usual Sid feels like he’s got things backwards or jumbled around. Alex wasn’t supposed to speak about this first but just like Alex he had. Maybe he shouldn’t have come half way around the world to see Sid again. But he did. Alex was fearless when it came to matters of the heart. And here he was waiting patiently for Sid to tell him something.
“I’ve been thinking a lot, about the past. About us. And I think we did it wrong. I know I made a lot of mistakes.” Alex’s hand isn’t still anymore; it’s trembling. “I think it might have been a mistake that first night in the cab when I kissed you. I was so, so drunk.” Sid laughs.
Alex’s hand tenses abruptly and he tries to pull it away but Sid won’t let go. “Then why...?” He asks tightly.
A nervous laugh bursts out of Sid and he shakes his head. “Why did I kiss you? Fuck, I couldn’t help it. You made me crazy. I’d never been with a guy, ever. And when we did those things, it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. But it was the same the next time and then the next,” Sid rushes on before he can lose his nerve.
“As soon as you’d leave, all I could think about was when I could see you again. I never thought about being gay or what it would mean but I knew I wanted to be able to do those things with you all the time. I didn’t ever want to have to stop.”
Alex breathes out deeply. “Was like that for me too.”
Sid nods thoughtfully. “But that’s what I wanted to say,” Sid continues, after he’s finished absorbing that, staring with his eyes narrowed at Alex’s averted profile. He pauses to choose his words carefully. He knows he has to get this part right.
“I know now that I’m gay. And I’m going to be open about it.”
Sid watches Alex’s face for any kind of reaction but it’s as if it’s made of stone.
“It’s not just because of you, though. I mean, you were the first guy I was ever with….”
Sid watches Alex unconsciously fist his hand and pauses, “…you’re still the only man I’ve been with….” The fist loosens slightly, and Sid feels a glimmer of hope return after Alex’s tenseness. Maybe, just maybe it’s not too late to start over again.
“But still….it’s not like you turned me into something I wasn’t already,” Sid rambles.
He knows he’s not explaining this right; as usual, words fail him. “By making a mistake, I don’t mean you were a mistake. I mean we just did everything out of order.”
Alex’s expression changes to one of puzzlement and Sid plunges on to explain further. “We did it wrong. And I regret that. I know you must be wondering, wondering why I invited you here. And I, um, I want to apologize. And I want to try to fix it. When we first started to.....get together, it was all backwards and fucked up. I’d be really drunk, and it would be amazing, but, but we’d never talk, and I didn’t think, I didn’t realize how much you meant to me.”
Alex is nodding now, and he’s looking at Sid and smiling softly. His hand is warm in Sid’s.
Sid clears his throat. “But what I want to say is - I want to try to do this right. If it’s not too late. Before it was sex first and -“
Alex leans across the empty space between them, sliding sideways, and kisses Sid. It’s awkward, both of the twisting sideways, Sid slightly higher up the hill so they have to stretch but Alex tastes the same as Sid remembers. He smells the same and his lips are as soft as he remembers them being. The want they have always felt is still there, the kind of electricity that arced between them yesterday in the rain. The kiss is unbearably tender.
Alex lifts his head a centimetre, staring into Sid’s eyes. Sid can’t speak and Alex is smiling, the expression on his face warm and full of laughter, sweet and breathless. “I know,” he whispers, and his breath gusts on Sid’s lip.
“Alex,” Sid finally rasps out, “I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time. And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it.”
Sid knows he has to say it; it’s different from thinking it, and different from all the other things you can say that mean the same.
Alex is suddenly on top of Sid, a warm, long legged armful that’s as heavy and substantial as Sid remembers. There’s a rock digging into his shoulder and he can feel sand getting into his shirt but Sid doesn’t care. He’s trapped in the circle of Alex’s arms and he holds on too, as hard as he can.
Their lips just touch and they’re still for a moment, their mouths closed, as they let the awareness of it shudder through them. Sid breathes and it breaks the spell, Alex’s mouth opening over his with a soft gasp, and their tongues touch and twist around each other, fast and slow all at once.
Sid can’t help but spread his thighs and Alex nestles between them with a sigh, adjusting his hips for more contact. The movement slides into an unchoreographed dance, their hips and hands fumbling, grasping and rubbing at each other. It feels amazing but suddenly there are people walking on the beach below them and Sid can hear a dog barking nearby. Alex buries his face in Sid’s neck finally, breathing heavily. He lets out a frustrated sigh and stops grinding against Sid.
Sid can feel Alex’s hardness pressing into him, but they’ve given it up for the moment. Sid soothes his hands up and down the trembling muscles of Alex’s back and strokes his hair. Alex sighs and kisses his neck and says indistinctly, “Waste too much time.”
“We’ve lasted this long,” Sid points out, smiling up at Alex, and leans up for another kiss. Even though Sid closes his eyes their lips find each other unerringly again and again. They relax into each other, not totally comfortable so exposed on the hillside but determined to not let that matter for the moment.
“We should stop,” Alex says hoarsely against his mouth.
“I know,” Sid says. Alex makes to slide off of Sid but he holds him there for another moment, unwilling to let go so soon.
Finally Sid sighs and drops his arms so that Alex can roll down beside him. A Labrador Retriever carrying a stick runs up to them to say hello, his tail wagging madly. He’s soaking wet and covered in sand and when he reaches them he shakes so that both of them are covered it too.
Alex laughs and says something in Russian, turning away from the still shaking dog. Sid rolls onto his stomach and covers his eyes until the dog moves out of range. The owner calls his dog back and offers an apology which Sid waves off.
He pulls up his t-shirt to try to wipe the clinging sand off his face and when Alex reaches over and runs his fingers down his ribs, Sid shivers. They sit cross legged facing towards each other and Alex brushes some sand off Sid’s cheek with his thumb and then leans down and kisses the corner of his eye and then his cheekbone.
“God,” Sid murmurs, brushing his lips across Alex’s lips. “Too long.”
He falls back down on the grass and pulls Alex with him. Now that he finally has him back Sid can’t stop touching him. He tightens his arm around Alex’s waist, and gently kisses his jaw, which is what he can reach. “Maybe we won’t go quite yet.”
They lay there wrapped around each other, dozing in the sun, with Alex draped over Sid, in an impossibly uncomfortable position. Alex’s forehead is pressed against Sid’s neck, next to his ear so he can smell his hair. For a long time Sid doesn’t do anything but catalogue the points on his body where Alex touches him, feel their combined warmth.
When they’ve helped each other up and have brushed as much sand off of themselves as they can and turn to walk back to the cabin Alex throws his arm over Sid’s shoulder and says in a conversational tone, “I’m not leaving.”
Sid presses in close rather than pulling away from the contact and gives Alex a questioning look, wondering if he means to stay on the beach all day.
“You,” Alex elaborates. “Not leaving you.”
Sid’s eyes drop, and he smiles, “I really hope you won’t.”
They walk back down the beach, close to the water line and laugh when the retriever charges back out into the waves after the gulls. A woman and child approach them and Sid tenses without thinking so that Alex’s arm is gone in a second. He steps a little to the side so they are no longer touching and Sid immediately hates the loss of contact. It’s no good at all.
Before the woman gets to them he reaches out and takes Alex’s hand in his and refuses to let go. He looks at the woman as they pass, wondering if she will recognize him. She looks at the two of them and smiles openly but says nothing. There is no recognition on her face and then the moment is past. Alex says nothing either but when Sid looks up at him he’s smiling.
They shower and change before they drive into town to get some lunch. There aren’t a lot of places to choose from so they buy hotdogs at a stand by the public beach and wash it down with coke. When they’re done they go down to the dock and buy lobsters off a boat and Sid raises his eyebrows when Alex buys four instead of the two he’d suggested.
“What?” Alex asks with a laugh while they walk back up the ramp to the Jeep. Sid shoulders Alex, pushing him against the handrail and then sprints ahead of the other man. He feels giddy. He can’t remember ever being this happy in his life.
They stop off at the grocery store for salad ingredients and some potatoes to bake. Sid isn’t much of a cook but he has helped boil lobster before and he’s sure that when it comes down to it he’ll be able to make a salad and bake some potatoes. He’s still wondering if maybe he can sneak off and phone his mom for advice but discards the idea when he realizes she’ll try to pump him for information.
He throws more milk, butter, yogurt, and eggs in the cart and then dissolves in laughter when he sees what Alex has added. There are steaks, cookies and Cheesies, as well as a tub of ice cream.
Alex gives him a haughty look and tells him, “I buy food. I get to pick.”
Sid only shakes his head and wanders off to the produce isle to counteract the junk food with some berries and bananas. He’s thinking some ice cream may go down really well actually. They walk through the narrow aisles side by side, arms touching, and Sid finds the quiet intimacy of the touch slightly thrilling.
When they get to the single check out Sid sees it’s being manned by Mrs. McDonald, the store owner. Sid has known her all his life. He’s nothing special here, just young Sidney Crosby, Trina and Troy’s kid, the one who was so good at hockey. When she sees Sid she smiles broadly.
“Why, Sidney. It’s nice to see you! Are your parents in town too?”\
“No, not this trip,” He tells her. “Just me.”
He hesitates a second and then puts his hand on Alex’s arm and smiles at him saying, “And my friend, Alex.”
Sid smiles up at Alex and they smile at each other. He’s not going to say any more. It’s too fresh. It’s still so very new and private. He tells himself he’s not going to say anything else, only he does.
“He’s um, he’s my boyfriend, actually,” Sid surprises himself by saying. He can feel the muscles in Alex’s arm tense against him.
It’s much easier than he would have thought. He watches Mrs. McDonald blink once and her expression freeze for just a second but then she’s over it. He’s expecting surprise and even judgement from her, an elderly woman in a small Cape Breton town.
Instead, she gives them both a warm smile. “Well, I’m sure your mom is happy you’ve found someone nice,” she tells Sid as she rings up the last of the groceries.
He smiles in relief and turns to Alex, “Alex, this is Mrs. McDonald. I used to sneak into her yard and eat her plums.”
Mrs. McDonald slaps him on the arm good naturedly and then starts to bag his groceries. “I always wondered what happened to all the plums,” she laughed. “Don said it was the birds but I had my suspicions.”
Sid watched as Alex pays for the food and then gives in gracefully to a big hug and a kiss on the cheek while she tells him, “you be sure to say hello to your parents for me.”
They pick up the bags and turn to go. “Thanks Mrs. McDonald,” Sid tells her. “Well, it was good to see you.”
She gives them both another warm smile and tells them, “I was nice to see you too, Sidney. And very nice to meet you Alex.”
When they get into the car Alex leans across and kisses him thoroughly. Sid can’t help but respond though he reluctantly pulls away a couple minutes later, conscious of the fact they are in a grocery store parking lot.
He wipes the back of his hand over his lips and then smiles at Alex asking, “What was that for?”
Alex smiles back. “Just, you make me happy,” is all he says. He puts his sunglasses back on and then looks ahead although he does leave his hand resting on Sid’s thigh during the ride home. Sid grins the whole way back; he’s pretty happy himself.
When they get back to the cabin he starts working on dinner, attempting to look more confident than he feels about the preparations. He fills the big pot with water and puts it on the stove and makes a salad while Alex watches him, looking somewhat sceptical.
“You really cook, Sid?”
“Of course,” Sid tells him with false bravado. “Don’t you?”
Alex shakes his head and chuckles. “My mom cook for me. Freeze food. I heat up when she’s gone. Rest time team feeds me. Sometimes order out.”
Sid tries to look condescending but fails. It’s not a hell of a lot different than how he gets by. But tonight he’s cooking dinner damn it. He puts steak spice on the meat and leaves it on the counter while he goes out to warm up the barbeque. He’s only been out there a minute when he hears a shriek from the kitchen. It must be Alex but it’s surprisingly high for a man of his size. Sid races inside.
“What’s wrong?”
Alex is backed against the counter, opposite the box containing the lobsters, and there’s a lobster scuttling across the linoleum. When it changes direction and heads toward Alex he lets out another pitiful yelp and backs out of the room.
Sid can’t help but burst out laughing. “Why’d you let him go?”
Alex’s looking slightly bug eyed and he won’t take them from the lobster. “Is alive, Sid,” he gaps.
“Well, yeah,” Sid tells him. “You’ve had lobster before, haven’t you?”
Alex looks at him haughtily, struggling to regain his dignity. “Of course. But not moving around. Never attacking me,” he tells him, pointing at the floor.
Sid notices that one of the elastics has come off the lobster’s claw and he’s waving it around. “Did he get you?” he laughs.
Alex holds out his finger and Sid can see a red impression on the digit where the lobster had pinched him. He starts to laugh again.
“Yeah, not so funny if it you,” Alex grumps, although he does start to laugh.
After Sid’s managed to corral the escapee and put him in the boiling water with his cohorts they eat a companionable dinner and clean up the kitchen. Sid is feeling inordinately proud of himself and Alex seems impressed with dinner, especially for winning round two with the lobster.
That night, after sufficient time to digest their dinner, Sid takes Alex to bed. They’ve been sitting on the couch holding hands and watching the sun set, touching each other casually until they can wait no longer. Despite the urgency Sid finds he is unaccountably shy. He’s got butterflies in his stomach and he savours the edgy excitement of the moment. He’s been wanting this for a very long time.
Alex senses his nervousness and runs his palm down Sid’s arm soothingly, telling him, “Is okay”.
Sid smiles at the reassurance and nods. He believes it will be okay too but he wants it to be better than that. He wants the first time, after all this time, to be special. He wants to excel and the pressure he’s putting on himself is making his chest tight. Sid lets out a breath and wills himself to relax.
Alex takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze and suddenly Sid knows he can do this. The look of rapt affection on Alex’s face makes him realize it would be really hard to screw this up. It’s the first time in years that they lie together naked, their arms wrapped around each other, touching all up and down their bodies. Alex sucks under Sid's ear while Sid combs his fingers gently through Alex's hair and trails his fingers down Alex's sides, his quivering flanks.
When his fingers trace the cleft of Alex's ass, Alex shudders and gasps, and Sid kisses his forehead and one eyelid. He strokes Alex's back gently, but Alex is impatient, and he begins to thrust their pelvises gently together, their cocks rubbing and sliding past each other and against the tender skin at the tops of their legs. Sid gasps at the sensation and pulls away to reach for a condom and the gel.
Alex thrusts against him again. Sid wraps one hand around a still meaty hip and slows his movement long enough to probe at the entrance to Alex's body with a finger. Alex tenses and relaxes, and when the finger has slid deep into his welcoming heat, he groans and bites Sid's neck. Sid withdraws the finger, to another little moan, and replaces it with two. Another soft groan.
It’s how Sid loves to see Alex, coming undone from his touch. It’s what he’s been thinking about, dreaming of, for so long. Normally Alex is on his hands and knees, expectant, frantic, begging for it. Sid’s worried sometimes that he’s too rough, that he’ll hurt Alex, but he’s always taken everything Sid can give him and he never complains. All he’ll do is urge Sid to go harder, push back, and Sid will put his head down and go for it. But it’s not going to be like that tonight, not after all this time.
Conscious of Alex’s bad knee Sid tips them to their sides and Alex senses Sid’s intent, rolls off him and turns away. The broad, pale length of his back is perfect, hot and smooth. His legs curl up sweetly, and he nestles the full curve of his ass against Sid's groin, dropping his head forward. Sid wraps one arm around Alex and puts the other on his hip to steady him. After he has found the right angle and thrust in, Alex making soft encouraging groans in his throat, he catches Alex's hand in his and their fingers twine together. Sid pushes up a little further and Alex tilts his hips and takes him deeper.
It feels like Alex is claiming him, not the other way around, when they are fully joined, Sid folded in the hot depth of Alex's body. He presses a kiss on the nape of Alex's neck and rocks out and in twice, short shallow thrusts, emphatically.
"Mmmmmmmm," says Alex, and turns his head, demanding a kiss which Sid drops on his swollen lips.
Maybe they are claiming each other.
Sid tries to take it slow, drawing the pleasure out as long as possible. Alex is impatient. "No," he whispers when Sid slows again, and pushes himself back suggestively against Sid. He tightens around Sid hungrily, and says, "Come on. Finish it. Have all night," and Sid can't resist.
His voice is low and rough, warm, pitched just for Sid, so it makes his throat ache and melts his stomach into a tangled mess. He lets Alex set the rhythm of long, powerful thrusts, and soon they can't control it anymore, eyes closed and lips sealed imperfectly together in an awkward over-the-shoulder kiss as they speed up erratically, crying out at each new bit of pleasure.
They lie still a long time, with Sid curled around Alex, but before they sleep they make love again with Alex stretched out on his stomach, his hips propped on a pillow. Sid bends over him, and he takes him as gently as he can, slowly and surely, kissing the back of his neck when he enters him. Alex moans and rocks into the pillows, but he can't get leverage to try to make Sid go faster this time. Sid doesn’t think he would if he could.
Each thrust is slow and careful. At first Sid rests a while between each one, letting pleasure steal over them slowly and ebb again while he touches all of Alex that he can reach with his hands. He wants to learn every inch of Alex's skin again, the way it jumps under his touch, where it is so sensitive that Alex arches his back, where it makes him whimper Sid's name.
A steady pace gradually builds, and he goes in more deeply with harder thrusts. Alex's muscles clench around him. He's lost, in a fever of Alex, pale, warm skin, sheets tangled, and so, so long, too long, since he saw this place. He recognizes it now if he didn't then. He knows now what he’s lost and what he can have back again. When Sid comes both their faces are wet with tears.
Alex wakes him up in the middle of the night with a soft kiss, eyes shut, mouth closed, lips clinging, damp and ragged. Sid floats out of his dream and knows nothing but the feel of Alex's mouth on him. It is pitch black, curtains drawn and the lamps off. He lifts his arms and draws Alex down to him. They both smile. Sid doesn’t know if his eyes are open or closed.
He can't see Alex's hand before it finds the apex of his legs and wraps around his cock. There is only the darkness, Alex's mouth and his feather-light touch. Alex pauses for permission and Sid whispers "yes," spreading his legs apart. Their kiss breaks and goes on, and he feels nothing, then a light caress on his thigh.
There is a soft rustling as Alex prepares and then nothing. Then fingertips tease him, sliding in slowly, damp with something--saliva. God. Then heat, the blunt head of Alex's cock, sliding, scorching friction, Sid’s body coming alive, accepting Alex after so long, wrapping around him, taking him deep. Alex is the only person who has ever been here.
Alex and Sid shift back and forth, kissing and gasping and sighing, for a long time, content with slow tenderness, the gentle caress of their hands re-learning each other by feel and the less gentle, more urgent caress lower down. Their bodies are both slick with sweat. When they come, they shout it, hoarse and low.
Sid kisses Alex tenderly, finding each closed eyelid easily in the darkness, and then lets Alex's mouth settle over his again with a sigh. Alex pulls out gently and they pull the blankets up again before nestling in tight against Sid’s back, his knees matched with Sid’s. He wraps his arms around Sid, drawing him back tightly against his chest.
Sid thinks back to what Alex told him on the beach earlier. He’s sluggish now, sated and almost asleep. He twines his fingers with Alex’s and presses his hand against his chest before telling him, “I’ll never leave you either.”
Alex kisses his neck sleepily, smoothes a hand through his hair. They fall asleep. It's all good.
*****************************************
The next morning Sid is woken up by the insistent ringing of Alex’s cell phone on the bedside table. He tries to ignore it at first but it keeps ringing. They aren’t going to give up and apparently Alex doesn’t have it programmed to go to voicemail any time soon. Sid ends up elbowing Alex in the ribs to wake him.
Alex wakes with a groan. Sid remembers he’s not normally a morning person. They both stare at Alex’s phone for a moment before Alex works an arm free of Sid’s body and picks it up. He looks at the screen and then mutters something in Russian before swinging his legs over the side of the bed, turning his back to Sid, and finally answering it.
He appears to be answering a series of questions, all in Russian, and some of his explanations go on at some length. He appears at one point to be getting exasperated, his answers becoming more and more clipped. Sid slides up behind him and presses a kiss to the back of his neck, getting an impatient swat in reply. Not to be discouraged he slides a hand around Alex’s waist and runs his palm up his cock, palming it until Alex grunts softly and tries to inch away.
“Sid,” he hisses, covering the phone for a second. “Talking to my mom!” he explains, giving Sid a scandalized look.
Sid’s only reply is to roll back onto his back, let his legs splay apart, and run his hand over his own cock. He pushes his hips up suggestively and then smiles when Alex snaps his eyes away and goes back to his conversation. It doesn’t go on much longer. When he hangs up Alex gives Sid a dower look and curses him out loud and long in Russian. Sid figures it’s good he doesn’t understand what it all means.
“So, what did your mom want?” Sid asks cheerfully.
“She want to know how if work out with man I fly around world to go see,” Alex tells him with a small smile.
“What did you tell her?” Sid asks shyly.
Alex nods thoughtfully. “I tell her, I think maybe pretty good.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Alex confirms, smiling crookedly.
Sid pulls him down and kisses him. He’s buoyantly optimistic that they’re going to work something out. He’s just not sure what Alex’s schedule is like after their visit. They haven’t really discussed anything.
“So what are your plans for the rest of the summer? How long do you have before you go to camp?” Sid asks him.
Alex thinks a moment and then tells him, “A month maybe? Have to check. Have to go home next week. Some business stuff and a wedding. Then back to Washington for training camp.”
Sid nods. It’s about what he thought; about the same schedule as the Penguins; when they start camp. He thinks for a minute and chews on his lip. Alex notices his hesitation and quirks an eyebrow at him. Sid nods once and then finds the words he needs to say, what he’s been thinking about since yesterday afternoon. It’s a lot more awkward than he thought it would be.
He runs his hand up Alex’s arm and asks him, “Hey, do you think in a few days we could go back to Halifax? I’d really like you to meet my parents,” Sid asks. “They’d really like to meet you,” he adds self-consciously.
Alex immediately smiles back. “It would be honor,” he tells him. Sid leans over and kisses him again.
**************************************
Sid calls his mom the same day and they negotiate a night for Sid to bring Alex over for dinner. She wants to meet him immediately but Sid wants to keep Alex to himself a bit longer. He can hear the excitement in her voice and Sid is pleased Alex has agreed to come home with him. More than anything he wants to prove to Alex that he is serious, that he’s not going to back out again, going to bolt and run like a coward. Bringing Alex home, introducing him to his immediate family is a huge step.
The drive back to Halifax goes more quickly than the one out. Before he knows it Sid has pulled up in his parents’ driveway and then slightly more surprisingly, he’s having an attack of nerves. It’s not that he thinks his mom and dad won’t get along with Alex because he does, it’s just… He doesn’t really know exactly what it is but it’s making him freeze in his seat, unable to open the door, and chewing on his lip. Alex notices immediately.
“You okay, Sid?” he asks sympathetically.
Sid jumps a little and then nods his head. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Just nervous, you know? First time.”
“First time what?” Alex asks him.
Sid feels his cheeks getting hot and he knows immediately he’s blushing. He huffs out a breath and hangs his head. This is kind of the most embarrassing part. “Um,” he mumbles while he rubs the back of his neck. “It’s like the first time I’ve ever brought someone home to meet them.”
Sid looks out the windshield before he continues softly, “There’s never been anyone I wanted to have them meet.”
When Sid looks back at Alex he looks slightly incredulous at that. “What about fiancé?” he asks.
Sid just shrugs and looks away. “I wasn’t in a very good place then,” he admits. “It wasn’t like that. Anyway, they never liked Christine. Everyone was really happy when we broke up.”
Sid notices that this news makes Alex smile a little and he squeezes Sid’s hand. “So, don’t have to worry about them not liking me?” he asks.
Sid smiles back. “No. It shouldn’t be a problem. They’ll like you more than Chris. No doubt.”
“Good.”
Sid nods. “Okay, let’s do this,” he tells Alex. The two of them get out of the car and go in to meet the Crosbys.
They walk up to the front door and the whole time Sid is conscious of Alex’s warmth beside him. Sid checks his watch at front door; they are exactly on time. He knows how his mom hates it when guests arrive early, when she’s not quite ready. He’s just about to open the door when Alex slips a hand down and firmly squeezes Sid’s ass. He jumps and turns to give Alex a dirty look but Alex only shrugs and tells him, “Owe you that.”
Sid scowls at him and then turns and opens the door after knocking a couple times. His mom is there immediately and hugs him before turning to Alex.
“Mom, I want you to meet Alex,” Sid manages to get out before Trina engulfs Alex in a firm hug as well. Alex hugs her back and smiles. And then they are whisked into the living room where Troy is waiting. Sid gets a companionable slap on the shoulder from his dad and then watches curiously while his dad shakes hands with Alex. The two of them are polite but it’s pretty clear that they aren’t sure yet what to make of each other.
Sid still can’t quite get over the fact that his dad doesn’t care that he’s gay so he’s as lost as anyone. Luckily Taylor has no such reservations. She immediately pulls Alex into a big hug before telling him she’s so glad to finally get to meet him. Alex laughs and ducks his head; Sid can tell that the two of them will get along fine.
Dinner goes well except that Trina keeps asking Alex millions of questions about himself and his family. Sid finds himself meeting Taylor’s rolling eyes and the two of them dissolve into giggles. To his credit Alex answers them all good naturedly and then eats so much of her appetizers that she’s completely won over. Troy follows along, only managing to interject a question about hockey occasionally before he’s sent out to grill steaks. Sid senses escape and pulls Alex up so they can keep him company on the deck, leaving Taylor to help their mom in the kitchen.
When they sit down to their meal Trina gets back to work and ends up grilling Sid and Alex on what their future plans are. It’s all okay except that the two of them haven’t talked about any of this stuff so Sid doesn’t know what a lot of the answers to her questions are. He listens along to Alex’s answers with as much interest as his parents.
“So, are you playing this year?” she asks Alex. “Sid mentioned that you’d been injured.”
“For sure,” Alex nods his mouth still full of baked potato. “I want to come back. Still want to play.”
Troy nods encouragingly. “How many more years you think you’ve got left in that knee?” he asks, genuinely concerned.
“Can’t say for sure. Is better than last year is all I can say now.” Alex takes another mouthful of potato and chews a moment before continuing. “Would like to win another Stanley Cup. Not quite ready to stop trying.”
Sid nods along. He gets it. He wishes he could still play as well. He’s cutting into his steak, which his dad had cooked just the way he likes it, when his mom comes up with another question, this time directed towards him. He’s just put a piece in his mouth when she finishes and he almost chokes on it.
“So what are you going to do, Sidney? Move to Washington?” she asks. Sid hears Taylor snort from the other side of the table. She knows this shit is getting to him.
Sid coughs before answering. “I don’t know, mom. We haven’t really talked about anything like that.”
Alex jumps in immediately. “Is okay with me. I have big house. Lots of room for Sid if he want.”
“I’m still working for the Penguins,” Sid tells them all a bit irritably because really, he’s an adult and he can plan this stuff for himself.
“Maybe do both, Sid,” Alex smooths. “I go on road trips. Maybe you work then?” He smiles reassuringly before starting in on his steak. “I’m sure we work something out,” he tells him waving dismissively before he starts chewing on a piece of meat.
“Dinner really good Mrs. Crosby, “he tells Trina, effectively changing the subject. Trina beams at him.
Dinner goes alright after that. Trina gets the idea that Sid doesn’t want to be pestered with a million questions so she keeps the conversation light. Troy and Alex find common ground in talking more about hockey while Trina updates Sid on what’s been going on with their extended family. Taylor splits her time talking hockey with Alex and Troy and listening in on the Crosby family gossip.
After dinner Trina asks Sid to help in the kitchen while the others go back to discussing hockey in the living room. The three of them have moved on from assessing the best players in the league to coaching systems when Sid and Trina leave them. In hindsight Sid should have known Trina was angling for a private talk but the evening had been going so well he missed the alarm bells that should have been ringing.
The two of them are almost done, just putting the final dishes in the dishwasher when Trina starts in with the questions again. She wants to know what Sid’s told Alex about his problems, about how he’s had substance abuse issues and depression. Sid tries not to sigh when he recognizes what she’s doing but Trina picks up on his vibe. She ups the ante and is immediately all up in his grill about how he needs to be honest.
Sid knows he does, he’s actually trying really hard but he’s just not ready to hit Alex with all his baggage. He’d just as soon not have to confess all the ways he’s stumbled in the time they were apart when they are first getting to know each other again. Trina isn’t having any of it and when she fails to get the appropriate response from Sid to her latest round of advice she turns on him with hands on her hips and starts in. Her voice is getting louder.
“Don’t you think you should tell Alex what’s happened, Sidney? If the two of you are going to have a relationship he needs to know about your…” She trails off before adding the word “problems” to sum it up; obviously having a difficult time choosing between the addiction to pain killers, the alcoholism, or the uncontrolled anxiety attacks and recurring depression. All of which Sid would sooner cut off a leg than tell Alex all about right now.
Sid crosses his arms and his voice tightens as he answers. “I know. And I will. I just haven’t found a good time yet. Just leave it for now though,” he warns her, struggling to keep his voice down.
Trina puts a hand on his arm, “Honey, don’t you see, you hold back, hold things in. It’s not good for you. You need to talk about these things. If he cares about you the way I think he does it won’t matter. But he needs to know what you’ve been struggling with. If you go out to the bar with Alex and the guys there will be a lot of temptation there. He needs to know you’re not drinking.”
“I have told him about that much,” Sid snaps.
“Well he needs to know about the rest too. And what about the counselor you liked in Pittsburgh? Don’t you want to keep seeing him? And coaching your team? What are you going to do in Washington, especially when Alex is away playing? Don’t you think it would be better for you to stay in Pittsburgh? It’s not so far from Washington. You could visit.”
Sid’s already thought of all these things and he’s got no clue what the hell he’s going to do. He loves Pittsburgh, likes the life he’s made for himself after hockey and the friends he has there but when it comes down to it he also wants to be with Alex. He’s just not thought about the nuts and bolts of it all yet.
Trina pats him on the arm, “I’m sure you two will work thinks out but I think the first step is to tell him what’s been going on with your health. He needs to know.”
Sid finally loses his patients and snaps out, louder than he intended, “I know mom. I’ll tell him when I’m ready. Just stop bugging me about it!”
Unfortunately Alex has taken this moment to come into the kitchen and looks from Trina to Sid. Sid runs his hand impatiently over his face. He knows that anger has colored his cheeks and he huffs irritably.
Alex looks from one to the other and softly asks, “Tell me what, Sid?”
Sid looks at both of them and his mouth gapes. Finally he just shakes his head and walks out of the room. He’s feeling lightheaded and knows it can be an early sign of an anxiety attack coming on. He keeps going through the living room, ignoring the glances from the others, and out to the deck by the barbeque. Sid drops down hard at the end of a lounge chair and puts his head in his hands. He’s pissed at his mom for pushing it but he’s also pissed at himself for letting it get to him so badly. He takes in a long shuddering breath.
Alex is beside him moments later and sits down on the lawn chair beside his. Alex gives him an inscrutable look and Sid finds himself turning away. He’s not sure how much of the conversation Alex overheard or what he’s made of it. It’s so damn frustrating. He scrubs his eyes because they are threatening to spill over with tears. He blinks them back and pulls his legs up on the chair and wraps his arms around his knees.
Alex continues to watch him carefully. “You okay?” He asks gently.
Sid only nods, not trusting his voice to speak. God, he hates when he gets like this. He purposely keeps his eyes averted so Alex can’t see how upset he is. He tries his relaxation routine, taking in slow deep breaths and willing his fingers and toes to relax.
He’s vaguely conscious of Alex standing up and then the lounger sinks as he sits down astride it behind Sid. Alex slides up closer and rests his chin on Sid’s shoulder and wraps his arms around him, his thighs bracketing Sid’s hips. He runs his hands up and down Sid’s arms, soothing him. It reminds Sid of Geno calming him during his anxiety attack, and for an improbable moment Sid thinks that the two of them should have been horse whisperers or something, except that Sid isn’t a horse.
“Sidney,” Alex urges softly.
“Yeah?” he croaks.
“You know, I listen to anything you wanna tell me, okay?”
Sid lets out a shuddering sigh but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know where to start. Obviously Alex has heard enough that he knows Sid has some things he doesn’t really want to talk about. Sid chews on his lip, trying to think of a way to get out of this conversation. Alex doesn’t say anything; he just lets the silence stretch on until Sid comes to his inevitable decision. He ducks his head and begins to speak.
“After I went home, after the accident, I wasn’t very well,” he admits. “Well, even before that. Probably for a long time really. I always drank a lot. Too much sometimes. I never really fit in with everyone else. And the drinking made things easier.”
Sid lets out a bitter little laugh. It’s alcohol that he has to thank for ever getting together with Alex in the first place so he figures he has to take the good with the bad on that one.
“And I’d take pills for whatever hurt,” he shrugs. “Headaches, concussion…”
Alex makes a soothing noise and continues to rub his hands up and down Sid’s forearms, his chin an anchoring weight, keeping him from spinning away into the void.
He continues. “After the accident, when I found out I couldn’t play anymore, it got to be too much. I was with Christine and it wasn’t working and we’d fight. I was awful. It was a mess. She finally left and I don’t blame her. I kind of hit the skids. I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore.”
Sid keeps going, knowing once he starts he needs to finish even though he has to shut his eyes in shame. “If it wasn’t for Geno, I’d probably be dead now,” he concludes sadly. “But the guys helped me get through it and things are better now. But I still have to be careful and I’ve been seeing a councilor still and mostly I’m okay.” He blows out a long breath and wraps it up. “So yeah, that was what my mom wanted me to tell you, so you’d know. It’s just kind of hard to talk about.”
Alex says something softly in Russian and then presses a gentle kiss to the angle of Sid’s neck. He pulls Sid back in even closer.
“Is okay, Sidney,” he says. “She just worried for you. Just want you to be okay.”
Sid smiles softly, “Yeah, I know.”
Alex meshes their fingers together and squeezes softly. “You think that stuff scare me away?”
Sid just shrugs. It’s exactly what he’s afraid of.
Alex kisses him on the neck again before telling him, “It don’t. Is nothing other guys don’t do. I know too what is like to lose everything. Not easy. Maybe, the two of us, we find something new together?”
Sid nods again and tells him, “I’m a little better now. I’m mostly okay. But it’s still there,” he warns. “It’ll never go away. I have to be careful. I’m never going to be normal.”
Alex laughs softly. “Who say I want normal? Never say that.”
Sid snorts. Come to think of it, if anyone could handle a partner who wasn’t normal, it would probably be Alex. Sid’s absolutely sure of few things in life but one of them is Alex’s ability to roll with whatever comes his way.
“Maybe part of what I like about Sidney?"
Sid can’t help but laugh at that. He hadn’t realized that being a complete basket case could be appealing.
“So, you’re saying that neurotic, former hockey players turn you on?” Sid chuckles.
“Maybe,” Alex ponders.
Sid twists his head around and grins. Alex is grinning back and kisses him on the cheek. Sid leans forward again and looks at his hands. He pushes at a loose piece of skin on the edge of his thumb a minute.
“So, what do we do?” he asks Alex.
“What you mean?”
Sid takes one of Alex’s hands in his and examines the wide, strong fingers, heavily boned and solid. “I mean, you’re going back to Washington to training camp?”
Alex gives him a sound of assent and Sid continues. “And I’m still in Pittsburgh. At least I was thinking I’d be there. I don’t even know…” Sid trails off. He hates this, this being up in the air. He’s always had a game plan, everything mapped out so that he knows where he’s going next, always had his parents or the team organizing his every move. Now it’s all up to him. He’s got to decide what he wants to do, what’s best for him.
Alex starts to laugh. “You worry too much, Sidney,” he chuckles. “Don’t know if I’ll play yet or no. Maybe go to Pittsburgh? Who knows? Or we go back and forth. Just let’s see how it goes. Okay?”
Sid doesn’t say anything and he gets a sharp nudge in the ribs in response. “Okay?” Alex asks him again, more insistently.
“Okay,” Sid yips when Alex digs between his ribs again.
“That’s better,” Alex tells him. “See, everything work out amazing. Especially now you have great Russian boyfriend,” he laughs, nuzzling into Sid’s neck.
Sid can’t help but chuckle as well. It’s hard to remain gloomy and neurotic in the face of such resolute optimism. He examines Alex’s hand again, matches their fingers together so that he can see how much longer Alex’s are than his. There’s something he needs to clear up, something that’s preyed on his mind for a long time.
“Alex, I have to say something else. I know I messed up before with us. That I hurt you a lot. And it may seem like I said some things that I didn’t mean but I really did.”
Alex gives his arms a soft squeeze. “Yeah?”
“Yeah…” Sid moistens his lips, nodding. “I really do love you. I do now and I did before only I didn’t prove it very well. I wish I’d been stronger. But I wasn’t and it took a while to figure things out. But I’m glad I did. And I just really want you to know that I love you and I have for a long, long time,” Sid concludes lamely.
Jesus. Once he’s gotten started on talking about these feeling there’s just no stopping him. It’s just flowing out of him like so much verbal diarrhea.
“In fact, I’ m so in love with you it’s unreal. The door is that way…..…” he points down the driveway in case this flood of feelings is enough to send him running.
Alex laughs sharply. “Not necessary, Sidney.”
“So you’re not freaking out?”
“No,” Alex confirms, resting his chin back on his shoulder. Sid thinks it probably belongs there forever. “Anyway, moms won’t let us mess this up.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Sid giggles, relieved at Alex’s response.
“Is probably better to stay here and deal with it.” Alex nods sagely.
Sid cranes his head around so that he can look at Alex for a second and smiles at him shyly. “Well…then maybe this is the time to warn you that I don’t actually love you in a laidback, manly kind of way.” Sid chews on his lip.
“No?”
“Oh nooooo, ‘fraid not,” Sid shakes his head to emphasize his words, “It’s in a really messy, emotional way. It may even involve bad poetry,” he concludes morosely.
“Serious?”
“Yeah.”
“What else?”
Sid ponders it a moment. “Maybe violins? And candles.”
“Blushing?” Alex prompts.
“Oh God, probably,” Sid confirms, resting his face against his forearm so that his quickly reddening cheeks are not showing. “So, I mean, it’s um, pretty intense.”
“Oh sure,” Alex agrees understandingly. “You think maybe it mean having sex on bearskin rug by fireplace?” Alex asks hopefully, shifting suggestively behind him.
“Maybe.”
“Don’t sound too bad.”
“No, I kind of like that part too,” Sid confirms. They both sit quietly a moment before Alex speaks.
“So you want me to say it back, Sid?” Alex asks, laughter in his voice.
“What? Sid cranes around again to look in Alex’s eyes.
“Say I love you?”
“Oh, no,” Sid shakes his head dismissively. “You don’t have to. I mean, you should only say it when you want to or when you really mean it, you know. So, yeah no….”
“Okay,” Alex agrees quickly and then can barely keep himself from laughing when he notices Sid’s brow crease with a frown.
“Sooo….” Sid clears his throat and starts chewing on his thumbnail.
Alex leans his head sideways, studying Sid with amusement and obvious adoration. “You know, could maybe say it now and mean it,” he reveals quietly.
“Yeah?” Sid beams at him.
“Course,” Alex confirms. “But have to tell you, is in most manly, Russian way ever. Not how you describe it. Just so clear.”
“Oh, yeah, okay,” Sid quickly agrees.
Alex can’t contain himself any longer and he starts to laugh. He pulls Sid around so he’s got him pinned down on the lounger with himself astride his hips on top. Sid struggles indignantly but he’s outweighed and overpowered and can’t get away. All he can do is watch helplessly while Alex leans down and plans a light kiss on the end of his nose.
They lay still faces inches apart just studying each other’s faces with small smiles. Alex ruffles Sid’s hair affectionately and then kisses him, this time on the lips.
“You know, Sid,” he starts. “I think I maybe might love you in that messy, emotional way too,” he admits. “I think prolly always did. Just so we clear.”
“Good to know,” Sid tells him.
He draws a finger slowly along Alex’s cheekbone, across his forehead, down his cheek, memorizing every inch that makes his boyfriend so perfect.
“I think we’re going to make it this time,” he tells Alex softly.
“Yeah. Me too.”
The End