(no subject)
it really freaks me out,
going back and reading old journals.
i so very rarely remember my livejournal anymore
and very rarely post anything.... as you can see..
so when i come back i seldom wonder
"what the hell did i ever write in here"
but when i start to read an old journal i can barely stay focused on the meaning of the words. it becomes a blur to me. seeing my old journals brings me back in time and i never want to go back. because i see the phases i go through in my life. but i dont often enjoy those. i was never comfortable in my own skin, though i tried to fake it and i tried to make myself believe it to be true and maybe it would become true.
i just dont enjoy seeing all the goals i set for myself back then and all my old desires because they're so different than who i am today. which really shouldnt scare me
but it makes me uncomfortable.
i really enjoy who i am now. i feel strongly about being true to my word.
when i look back i see how often i broke promises to myself, which really made me disrespect myself.
im glad i rose above my fears. slayed my dragons. i want to always live fearlessly loving life and loving myself. of course i still deal with a few every now and then but for the majority of the time i spend awake, i fear nothing. except maybe police when im smoking in my car or doing some other sort of illegal activity. but thats just because most police are so corrupt and unjust and it scares me that that is our law enforcement.
i dont consider myself righteous or holy or anything of that sort.
however, i think i have a calling for this world.
i have a heart for the human soul and i'd like to put some life back into this digital world.
i want to make a difference.
and i think i can do it.
someday.
time will tell.
ha, who knows?
maybe i'll look back at this entry and change my mind completely as i have so many times before.
it really makes me laugh how i talked about quitting cigarettes like a pro.
i am nowhere close to pro-status.
i still smoke.
*shrug* i'll get to it.
going back and reading old journals.
i so very rarely remember my livejournal anymore
and very rarely post anything.... as you can see..
so when i come back i seldom wonder
"what the hell did i ever write in here"
but when i start to read an old journal i can barely stay focused on the meaning of the words. it becomes a blur to me. seeing my old journals brings me back in time and i never want to go back. because i see the phases i go through in my life. but i dont often enjoy those. i was never comfortable in my own skin, though i tried to fake it and i tried to make myself believe it to be true and maybe it would become true.
i just dont enjoy seeing all the goals i set for myself back then and all my old desires because they're so different than who i am today. which really shouldnt scare me
but it makes me uncomfortable.
i really enjoy who i am now. i feel strongly about being true to my word.
when i look back i see how often i broke promises to myself, which really made me disrespect myself.
im glad i rose above my fears. slayed my dragons. i want to always live fearlessly loving life and loving myself. of course i still deal with a few every now and then but for the majority of the time i spend awake, i fear nothing. except maybe police when im smoking in my car or doing some other sort of illegal activity. but thats just because most police are so corrupt and unjust and it scares me that that is our law enforcement.
i dont consider myself righteous or holy or anything of that sort.
however, i think i have a calling for this world.
i have a heart for the human soul and i'd like to put some life back into this digital world.
i want to make a difference.
and i think i can do it.
someday.
time will tell.
ha, who knows?
maybe i'll look back at this entry and change my mind completely as i have so many times before.
it really makes me laugh how i talked about quitting cigarettes like a pro.
i am nowhere close to pro-status.
i still smoke.
*shrug* i'll get to it.