Eeekk... I am freakin out about him and I have no reason to be!
Well.... I am really worried about stuff with the boy today. He dropped a bomb on me last night without realizing it.
So he has this ex, who he was with for well over a year. It was a long time ago, and they lost their virginities to each other. He decided to tell me while we were out to dinner at the ChinaBuffet last night that they were going to go out and grab a cup of coffee today or tomorrow. He told me b/c he wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I told him it was fine, of course its fine, I am not the type of girl who is going to tell him who he can & can't see, and Randi is a great girl. I told him, I have very few rules when I'm dating someone -- 1: Look all you want, flirt, talk, cuddle, but don't be overtly sexual with someone else. 2: Don't fall in love with anyone else. That's about it. When I said that, he goes, "well, I'll always love Randi, it just doesn't go away. But I don't want to get back together, I just want my best friend back." I understand, I suppose, that he will always love her. But when cultivating a relationship on this level, the expectation is that we are each other's everything - which includes best friend. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with him having female friends - but she was his "best friend" while they were dating - should he open up a door into that again, would they want to fall back into all the old patterns? I should be grateful, b/c if he's telling me that means that he doesn't care if I know, which means he isn't trying to hide anything, and I know from Derek's history that he doesn't cheat. It's not cheating on me I'm worried about - it's him leaving me b/c he decides that he's still "in love" with her after all. There's a distinction between loving her and being "in love" with her. I don't know what to think. All night after that he was telling me that I have nothing to worry about, and he lost me once over something stupid and he's not going to let that happen again. I told him Randi wouldn't be something stupid - and he looked me dead in the eye and goes, "Jess, yes she would. Honey, any girl would be something stupid to lose you over now." He says he won't tear us apart over "some girl" but what kills me is that in the end, I'm just some girl too. He says no. He's been wonderful about it, and I know he loves me... but Derek's passionate, and Randi was the first girl he ever really loved. He told me he has everything he needs here with me. He just wants them to not have to hate each other anymore and be able to talk. I should be able to just be understanding and supportive, but I'm freaking. Please, gods, don't take him from me now. Please.... I'm begging. I can't lose him again. I've loved him for 6 years now. I've lost him too many times. Please just let it be good & right this time. I've done everything I can to make it work - I've been honest and fair and put my best effort forth. Please don't tell me that's not enough. My heart is breaking at the thought of losing him - I would hate to see what would happen if I actually did. Not now, when I can see our future when I look into his eyes.....