Isn't it funny....
that nomatter how long it's been, or how much my life has changed, or how happy I am now, the sight of his face can still take my breath away and make me feel as if I were 17 again? As soon as I looked into his eyes in that picture, his voice filled my head. I could hear him laugh, say my name. I never expected it could hit me this hard after all this time. I could almost smell him, almost taste his lips. I know things are bitter between us now, and I know that contacting him could only hurt us both, but part of me wanted to write him, to ask if this still happens to him. I want to know if his thoughts of me are always resentful, or if he occasionally remembers the good times too. I wonder if he ever thinks about the good in me, or only that I broke his heart. I want to tell him that I'm so sorry for all the pain, but I've visited that particular horror before. It didn't make him feel any better then, and I doubt the outcome could be different now. "I'm sorry" is a cheap trade for your heart, I know. I wonder if he knows that I did truly love him in my own mixed-up adolescent way, and that the woman I am still becoming loves him even now. It took me a long time to admit to myself that part of the reason for the bitterness between us is that I still love him in some way, and that I hate myself sometimes for destroying him. I woudln't even know where to begin explaining this to him, and there really would be no point anyway. It's not like it would change anything, and I don't even know if I would want it to if it could. I'm happier now. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful man who loves us both beyond question. I could never go back and be the girl I was for him. But some part of me, if he asked, would be hard pressed to not run back in a second. I remember so much of him, so many cold nights spent in his arms, so many days spent laughing with him. I remember a family I would have been proud to call myself a part of. I still can't see a wedding magazine without thinking of the plans we made. We would have been two years married by now. Funny how life takes its own path.