I hate myself when I'm like this.
Last night, I had to keep the boy up by crying myself to sleep, practically. I'm fairly freaked out about having to move in with Pae - I haven't lived with anyone in my family except my dad - ever. Not since I moved out of my mom's in 6th grade. I've been on my own, as it were, since I was 17. That's 5 years of freedom and my own place to be, and now it's all going to end. It just bothers me that I am not sure if I can do this. I can't do otherwise, though.
And what else is bothering me, is that I don't know how to be stable anymore. I don't know how to deal with my emotions and the world sober. I'm depressed a lot, and angry a lot, and I swing between moods so quickly. And I'm so sick of everything in my life changing every year or two. I have to find new friends and change myself and my living situation every so often just to make sure I don't stagnate and suffocate. I don't know how to just be.
And Derek thinks I was upset b/c he didn't want to make love last night. That was a part of it, but just such a small part it hardly merits mention. It was just kind of what set me off - not what I was crying about. It's just that I have less than a week left until we will see much less of each other. While he is not necessarily a very sexual person, I am, and no matter how much he says it's not that I don't engage his libido, that's what it feels like to me. It feels like rejection, especially when I am sitting behind him kissing his neck and he sighs and goes "Sweetie!" and points at the clock. I know it's almost 10 PM and you get up at 5, but damnit! There are better ways to say it than in that exasperated tone. I'm sorry if the fact that I want you irritates you. I would never say or allude to this to him, but there are plenty of other guys who would be more than happy if I wanted them 24/7 like I do him. Only problem is, I don't want any of them. I want him. I love him. And I've never wanted to be faithful and good to anyone as much as I do with him. I've never been willing to work so hard for something if it needed working at. I honestly believe I could work through anything with him. But damnit it's Wednesday and we haven't made love since Saturday!!!! And if I know him, we won't tonight either. It'll be Saturday morning before we do. Granted, the sex is fantastic and we'll probably do it 6 or 7 times between Saturday & Sunday... but one or two days a week is hard to get through!
And what else is bothering me, is that I don't know how to be stable anymore. I don't know how to deal with my emotions and the world sober. I'm depressed a lot, and angry a lot, and I swing between moods so quickly. And I'm so sick of everything in my life changing every year or two. I have to find new friends and change myself and my living situation every so often just to make sure I don't stagnate and suffocate. I don't know how to just be.
And Derek thinks I was upset b/c he didn't want to make love last night. That was a part of it, but just such a small part it hardly merits mention. It was just kind of what set me off - not what I was crying about. It's just that I have less than a week left until we will see much less of each other. While he is not necessarily a very sexual person, I am, and no matter how much he says it's not that I don't engage his libido, that's what it feels like to me. It feels like rejection, especially when I am sitting behind him kissing his neck and he sighs and goes "Sweetie!" and points at the clock. I know it's almost 10 PM and you get up at 5, but damnit! There are better ways to say it than in that exasperated tone. I'm sorry if the fact that I want you irritates you. I would never say or allude to this to him, but there are plenty of other guys who would be more than happy if I wanted them 24/7 like I do him. Only problem is, I don't want any of them. I want him. I love him. And I've never wanted to be faithful and good to anyone as much as I do with him. I've never been willing to work so hard for something if it needed working at. I honestly believe I could work through anything with him. But damnit it's Wednesday and we haven't made love since Saturday!!!! And if I know him, we won't tonight either. It'll be Saturday morning before we do. Granted, the sex is fantastic and we'll probably do it 6 or 7 times between Saturday & Sunday... but one or two days a week is hard to get through!