Just Writing My Thoughts
I don't know why I can't stop thinking about Ryan. He made me into a cliche. I barely want anything to do with the people who show me so much attention and affection and put so much effort into knowing me. The one guy that I tried with wouldn't even return a single text message. Not even after months. And to make matters worse, we only had one night where we truly connected. And I know that as a relationship, it wouldn't work. But I would rather let it fail than just go by speculation. I deleted his number from my phone yesterday and I feel relieved but then there's the part of me that tells myself that maybe if I tried harder then I could get a response. But how could I feel like that and yet, still feel empowered by deleting his number? I feel like I'm no longer holding on to something that I still wanted to hold on to but knew that I shouldn't. It's a whole mix of emotions.
Maybe it's because I know that if I didn't have him then I'll realize how careless I am about relationships. I try so hard to not be him when it comes to other people calling/texting me but I just can't make myself care at all. What is it about myself that makes me want something that's not only bad for me but doesn't even want me back? Or am I just saying that because it's easier to think that maybe he's careless than to think that he's scared? Then it makes me think that maybe I'm scared of something too.
Maybe it's because I know that if I didn't have him then I'll realize how careless I am about relationships. I try so hard to not be him when it comes to other people calling/texting me but I just can't make myself care at all. What is it about myself that makes me want something that's not only bad for me but doesn't even want me back? Or am I just saying that because it's easier to think that maybe he's careless than to think that he's scared? Then it makes me think that maybe I'm scared of something too.