The Five Most Adorable Total Destruction Weapons
It's a common practice in storytelling to give the audience visual cues as to whether a character is good or evil, so we'll know who to root for. The first example that comes to my mind is the movie Gremlins. For those of you who never went to a slumber party in the 80s, I'll sum the movie up--the protagonist, Michael, gets a cute little animal for a pet:
I bet no one else in the class got one of those for Christmas.
That's Gizmo, and contrary to what a lot of people think, Gizmo is not a Gremlin. He's a Mogwai. The thing about Mogwai, though, is that there are a few rules of care one has to follow when deciding to keep one for a pet--don't expose him to sunlight, don't get him wet, and don't feed him after midnight. Being a movie protagonist, Michael ignores these rules and the reason for their implementation becomes apparent: Gizmo first multiplies into more Mogwai after he gets wet, and then when those extra ones eat after midnight, this...
Not pictured: a Gremlin
...turns into this:
Not pictured: cute.
That's a Gremlin. They're what Mogwai turn into when you feed them after midnight, and they are considerably less cuddly, which is exactly what the filmmakers intended--it's pretty obvious right from the word go that you're supposed to love Gizmo, who is furry and soft and makes sweet little mewing sounds, and dislike the Gremlins, who are vicious and violent.
So, when it comes to visual storytelling, it's a pretty obvious spectrum: cute = good, ugly = bad. But there are quite a few instances in which it's the villains who are the fluffy, fuzzy, or adorably silly-looking critters. You smile and laugh and think, awww, something so soft and whimsical can't possibly hurt us!
Well, the joke's on you if you're the hero of the following stories--that's exactly what these guys want you to think.
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The Metroids (Metroid)
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I don't care what anyone says. Metroids are cute. They are these googly, smooshy jellyfish aliens that look about as dangerous as throw pillows. How can something comprised primarily of gelatin possibly be a threat?
See, that says "soft and huggable", not "carnivorous and dangerous". Even Timber loves Baby Metroid!
Also, for bonus cuteness points, in Metroid II: The Return of Samus, Samus comes upon a Baby Metroid just as it hatches, and it imprints on her, thinking she's its mother. Not only is that so sweet I need an insulin shot, it's also useful--Baby Metroid proceeds to eat the barriers that are trapping Samus underground, helping her get back to the surface and her ship before the planet explodes.
I
I shall call him Squishy. And he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy.
Awww!:
Samus and Baby Metroid bond, and it seems happy to go back with her to the Ceres labs and not cause any trouble for anyone, behaving like a perfect angel in its little tube-aquarium. The scientists are thrilled to have a chance to study a Metroid without it immediately trying to kill them, so everyone wins. Right?
Just ignore all the dead scientists lying on the floor of the lab. We're getting the janitor to come sweep those up.
Come on, Baby Metroid isn't just cute, it's helpful! And look how tiny it is. There's no way this thing could be dangerous. And it thinks Samus is its mother, so it's definitely not ever going to attack her or anything, right?
Joseph H. Colton Christ, Get It Away From Us!:
Here's the problem--Baby Metroids are the same as any other adorable baby animal in the sense that they totally grow up.
Size and cuteness suddenly seem indirectly proportionate.
Yeah, this is the exact same Baby Metroid, fully grown and attacking the shit out of Samus in Super Metroid. Spoiler alert: In the Baby's defense, this is after it's been kidnapped by Ridley and cloned by Mother Brain, and it does nobly sacrifice itself for Samus at the climax of the game, attacking Mother Brain and donating its energy to Samus so she will live, but the fact remains that it is a Metroid--a jellyfish alien bred to be a biological weapon whose primary mode of attack is to latch onto something with its clawlike "tentacles" and suck the ever-loving life out of it until it dies.
There's nothing like a pet that will hug you, then eat you.
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ED-209 (Robocop)
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Speaking of mothers and babies, this next entry goes out to this Scarlett's very own mother, who was so cool that she let Baby Scarlett watch R-rated movies when she was five, seating me happily between her and Da on our ugly calico sofa. One of those movies was Robocop, and in the middle of the drug abuse, hookers, gratuitous bloody violence and liberal use of the f-word, out stomped Enforcement Droid 209.
Again, you know that the ugly, surly looking one is the villain.
ED-209 is the brainchild of OCP Vice President Dick Jones, who earns his name by being a real Richard. Jones designed ED-209 with intent to sell it to the military, then bleed them out of millions repairing the ED-209 units, which are, not to put too fine of a point on it, faulty.
Awww!:
For instance, ED-209's greatest enemies are not in fact gang-bangers, drug-smugglers or even Robocop himself. They're gravity and a staircase:
Why more buildings should be accessible by handicapped ramps.
This is what happens when ED-209 tries to chase Robocop into a stairwell. Upon realizing that its top-heavy design, lack of hands and three-toed feet are not at all designed for climbing stairs, ED-209 tumbles down to the next landing, finds itself unable to get up and flails around making an oscillating screaming noise like a big, angry turtle. Who the hell is running things over at OCP? Who makes a law enforcement cyborg that can only arrest criminals on the first floor?
Scarlett's Mother, in a way that is just one of the many hallmarks of her awesomeness, found this so sad and was very upset for ED-209, despite the fact that it was trying to kill Robocop. Scarlett's Mother didn't see a big machine bristling with weaponry. She saw a big baby that she wanted to cuddle and help up and give a cookie to.
And for that and so much else, we salute her. *salutes proudly, misty-eyed*
OK, where were we?...Oh, right--
Joseph H. Colton Christ, Get It Away From Us!:
ED-209 may be adorably frustrated when it can't ascend or descend stairs, but you don't want a machine equipped with two Gatling guns to be armed while throwing a temper tantrum, especially if its listening skills leave a lot to be desired:
"Damn it, I knew I should have just done a Powerpoint presentation."
Yeah, that unfortunate guy on the far right has complied with ED-209's orders and has dropped his weapon, but our cuddly law enforcement robot either hasn't noticed that or doesn't care, and it is about to pump this guy full of lead from the twin Gatling guns mounted on its "forearms".
The OCP janitors must hate cleaning the boardroom after meetings.
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Fatal Fluffies (G.I. Joe)
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Come on, look at these cute little fuckers. These can't possibly be harmful...right??
Fatal Fluffies made their first and only appearance in the second G.I. Joe miniseries,The Pyramid of Darkness, which also counts to purists as the first five episodes of the regular series (The M.A.S.S. Device miniseries counting as sort of a five-episode pilot). There's nothing that isn't cute about these guys--they have big googly eyes, they're sort of roly-poly, and they're soft and huggable.
Have you hugged a Scarlett today?
Awww!:
The Joes stumble across the Fatal Fluffies when they realize their space shuttle is too heavy to dock on Space Station Delta and discover that it is extra cargo that is throwing them off-course. The cargo contains the adorable Fluffies...
Note that Junkyard is totally jealous over no longer being the cutest four-legged thing in the room.
...along with a note from Cobra Commander that contains a bad pun about the animals having "split personalities".
Gee...what do you think that means?
Joseph H. Colton Christ, Get It Away From Us!:
Turns out the "Fatal" part of "Fatal Fluffies" comes into play when Zartan, the Cobra team's resident infiltrator, unmasks himself and blows a whistle, causing the Fluffies' true form to manifest:
Actually, the creepily form-fitting jumpsuits are way scarier than their weird yak-faces.
Oh, also they totally breathe fire. Just in case any idiots in the audience still found them cute.
Fatal Fluffies: Comprised of all the worst parts of every He-Man action figure.
Luckily, these horned assholes are facing off against G.I. Joe, who, when they're not playing war games at the Pit or making PSAs, earn their pay by beating the living daylights out of anything that crosses their path.
I wish I could do this to my dates when I don't find them cute anymore.
So Fatal Fluffies aren't really cute, furry little butterballs. They're totally heinous minotaur things that will try to kill you. Now we know--and knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe!
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The Mousers (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
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Awww, they're cute! They've got tiny feet and look--they're smiling!
Mousers are almost comically cute--they look like little metal chickens with goofy grins on their faces. It's like if ED-209 were way smaller and funnier-looking, it'd be a Mouser. They were created by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles scientist Baxter Stockman as his answer to New York City's rat problem--they could be programmed to hunt rats and controlled via remote.
Because nothing says "I'm a legitimate scientist" like a screamingly yellow bow tie.
Awww!:
Mousers seem like an honestly great idea--they can be programmed to follow their prey, and their powerful jaws can crush through lots of things on their way to their goal. What's not to love? In fact, in the episode of the 1987 cartoon series that introduces the Mousers, Stockman tries to sell them to a pest control company, but is actually turned away because if they work, they'll put the pest control company out of business.
Great work, Dr. Stockman! Now can you invent something that exterminates hipsters?
Joseph H. Colton Christ, Get It Away From Us!:
Unfortunately, Stockman doesn't handle rejection too well--he decides to use his Mousers to help him turn to a life of crime instead:
It would never get away with this if it wasn't cute, the little shit.
And if that isn't enough, the Shredder naturally has to put his big Foot in it (ha ha! Scarlett sneaked in a ninja clan pun!) and orders Stockman to reprogram the Mousers to attack Turtles (as if having them go after Splinter, the single biggest rat in New York, wasn't enough). And those powerful jaws suddenly go from being a clever design asset to being a property-obliterating mega-threat.
Funny, the more there are of them, the less cute and nonthreatening they seem.
And the Mousers are small--they don't find stairs nearly as daunting as ED-209 might; they can just hop around on their insanely cute chicken feet. Even if they did come to an obstacle they couldn't climb, they could just chew through it in order to continue pursuing their prey, and short of destroying their master control, they don't ever seem to power down. They just keep on going--and chewing. They're like zombies. Adorable, chicken-legged zombies.
BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSSS!
Zombie apocalypse, thy name is Mouser.
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The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)
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I have to give credit to my best buddy Shazzer for coming up with the crown jewel of this post--the most adorable total destruction weapon of them all. As Ray Stantz himself puts it, "Something that could never ever possibly destroy us--Mr. Stay-Puft." And why shouldn't he think that? Look how happy Mr. Stay-Puft is!
It just...popped in there!
Awww!:
First of all, nothing that squishy and cute and googly-eyed could ever look menacing, right? Mr. Stay-Puft looks like he can't wait for us all to go camping so we can roast some of his genetic material.
"Hi, kids! Want to pierce me with sharp sticks and light me on fire? Tee-hee!"
And as if it weren't selfless enough that Mr. Stay-Puft wants us to fill our bellies with warm, gooey s'mores made out of his arms and legs, the Stay-Puft company promises that those marshmallows will stay jet-puffed, even after they've been roasted painfully over an open campfire. And Mr. Stay-Puft's smile never wavers--it's like he's daring us to prove them wrong.
That's Marshmallow for "Come at me, bro".
How could this guy be anything but cute?
Joseph H. Colton Christ, Get It Away From Us!:
Oh, wait, it's by being fifty stories tall.
Once again, as size goes up, cuteness goes down.
And by being evil.
Don't forget evil.
And also by getting lit on fire and then trying to reenact the climactic scene of King Kong.
"This is for all those campfires, dammit! Kumbaya this!"
I haven't seen something this sweet turn into such a total jerkwrench since my last breakup!
The Short Stack:
Remember, everyone, no matter how cute something is, at any moment it can turn on you. So the next time you see a furry puppy, a fun-looking toy, an adorable kitten--just know that deep down, it's thinking about killing you. That's why from now on, I plan to greet everything cute with a raised weapon and a suspicious look on my face. What could possibly go wrong?
What about you, team? What do you think are the cutest weapons of mass destruction in our favorite stories?