summer 2006.
so. it's officially the end of summer...i cannot believe it is already september. like everyone who writes some sort of statement or a disclosure upon how and where the season went, i think i will too. i'm sure i'll appreciate reading this sometime down the road, even as i enjoy reading my writing from years ago now.
**end of april - may**
well this period was just shitty. i have other words to describe it, but that one seems the most fitting. not only did baba pass away in a car accident - and of course, stereotypically enough, the two (surviving) passengers in the other car were barely out of their teens and had alcohol in the car and were going fucking 70 mph down a 40 mph road at night - but we received news of it on my first day of work. i had been barely working for three hours when my phone rang and i saw it was my mum, only when i answered, she was sobbing and going insane in the background while her coworker informed me of the reason. i had been a little late to work that day because reyes had to drive me in from ypsilanti, so already that somewhat dampened my day, but this news was just so horribly devastating that all thoughts of work etiquette flew out of my head. i ran down to my boss's office and stood before him silently - i couldn't get the words out. he, being the kind man he is, thought i was there because i had a question, but i must have looked so scared to him that he chuckled. that released my tongue - i told him what happened, and a flood of tears came pouring out. i immediately called reyes to pick me up because i was aboslutely dying inside, and then i proceeded to call my mum's friends. carrie's mum called me to tell me her husband was driving my mum home, because she was going to arkansas that day. i don't remember much else... just that while i was sitting on a stone bench near the SAB waiting for reyes, a man came up to me and told me i looked like such a pretty picture because there were these beautiful golden flowers planted in front of me, and i guess i was wearing yellow that day too...
arkansas was even more shitty. i'm not going to go into the details - but it suffices to say that some people are not who they proclaim they are to my face. to my mum's face. the definition of "friend" (as some have debated over in their xangas this past summer) is shaky at best when it comes to them. in short, my trust in other people, my faith in their love simply evaporated upon returning home. i couldn't reconcile this AND deal with baba's death at the same time... it was too much. i realized i can't trust anyone but my family with my everything, since even the closest of friends can turn on you. but at least in my family, my nuclear family, that has never and will never happen. but this is true, or should be true, for everyone. when is the last time your parents or your siblings truly betrayed you?
i digress...baba's funeral was such a sad affair. i wept the entire time, and even as i read his obituary now, my heart swells up with grief and something actually reaches me in my numbness and stupor. i feel more than just bereft - i feel like someone stole something away, something i never had but could have had. losing baba is different for me because i never had him in the first place. i think from the moment i first met him and cried in his arms, i knew our fate was not to be a happy one. but that didn't stop me from loving him absolutely. that didn't stop him from loving me to the best of his ability - and you know what? that was enough, it really was. but i wish we could have had more time... i wish i could have been someone he could regard as a friend. why was this taken away from me? WHY??? every girl needs her father to walk her down the aisle. every girl needs her daddy to protect her from boys and other bad things that come out of the real world. i'm so sad...i can't even tell anyone...
i feel like if i were to start over anew with you, baba, we could have gotten along famously. and now i'm crying again, not only because you're not here anymore, but because i miss you, i really do, and it's true that no one can ever take your place. i don't want to warp my memories of you - i want to keep them genuine, so that's why i'll remember the bad along with the good. thank you for taking me to chuck e. cheese's for my (eighth? ninth?) birthday. thank you for singing with me on the way to piano lessons. thank you for being so proud of me, especially when i don't deserve it. i'm never going to say goodbye, because there's no need...
click here for the obituary.
**may - june**
in mourning for baba, i retreated into myself these next couple of months. i returned to work after arkansas, but there were days i could not see the meaning in life in the inevitability of death. reyes tried to help me, but because he only wanted me to be better and kept telling me everything was going to be ok when i didn't feel it, i went further into myself. i buried feelings i didn't want to examine, and consequently, some domestic issues resulted. i lost touch with some people i cared about the most, but hopefully, with some love and nurturing, it will return - not in its original form, because that's impossible, but in a new state that's different but just as good. hope and love are the only things i have. i am a great hoper, as i am a great lover. i am just waiting for Time to do her work...
**june - july**
we visited home every weekend. it was super important to be near mum, and also i wanted to help her out with some of the after effects. we sold my car, and thought about selling the house, but that decision still hasn't been made yet. i really, really wished i could be around my family, but too bad they are all in china and thousands of miles away... it plain sucks because this is the time i probably needed them the most and they weren't here... but at least my aunt linda came. :) i love her so much, and she is such a fun person to be around. still, everything felt very awkward, and i didn't know why. i just buried myself in work, and that wasn't hard, seeing how orientation was just beginning. i also (miraculously) started studying for the LSAT. note to self and others: avoid using kaplan at all costs. :P at least for LSATs!
**july-august**
went to columbus, ohio. you can go back to my july 18th entry and see pictures. ^^
work is getting to me, finally... i'm ready for the school year to start. i am ready to meet new people again and find myself surrounded by open doors and opportunities... i want to find myself, period. i've been uprooted not once, but twice, and this final time, i have to settle down to deciding who i am once and for all because i need to survive in this world. no matter how much i view friendship with cynicism, i also love and need it, because my friends are pretty much my adopted siblings. i can't wait to be surrounded by my roomies, and to LIVE again.
**??? - ???**
every year we turn over new leaves, and gasp in wonder at what we see. prepare to be amazed... :)
**end of april - may**
well this period was just shitty. i have other words to describe it, but that one seems the most fitting. not only did baba pass away in a car accident - and of course, stereotypically enough, the two (surviving) passengers in the other car were barely out of their teens and had alcohol in the car and were going fucking 70 mph down a 40 mph road at night - but we received news of it on my first day of work. i had been barely working for three hours when my phone rang and i saw it was my mum, only when i answered, she was sobbing and going insane in the background while her coworker informed me of the reason. i had been a little late to work that day because reyes had to drive me in from ypsilanti, so already that somewhat dampened my day, but this news was just so horribly devastating that all thoughts of work etiquette flew out of my head. i ran down to my boss's office and stood before him silently - i couldn't get the words out. he, being the kind man he is, thought i was there because i had a question, but i must have looked so scared to him that he chuckled. that released my tongue - i told him what happened, and a flood of tears came pouring out. i immediately called reyes to pick me up because i was aboslutely dying inside, and then i proceeded to call my mum's friends. carrie's mum called me to tell me her husband was driving my mum home, because she was going to arkansas that day. i don't remember much else... just that while i was sitting on a stone bench near the SAB waiting for reyes, a man came up to me and told me i looked like such a pretty picture because there were these beautiful golden flowers planted in front of me, and i guess i was wearing yellow that day too...
arkansas was even more shitty. i'm not going to go into the details - but it suffices to say that some people are not who they proclaim they are to my face. to my mum's face. the definition of "friend" (as some have debated over in their xangas this past summer) is shaky at best when it comes to them. in short, my trust in other people, my faith in their love simply evaporated upon returning home. i couldn't reconcile this AND deal with baba's death at the same time... it was too much. i realized i can't trust anyone but my family with my everything, since even the closest of friends can turn on you. but at least in my family, my nuclear family, that has never and will never happen. but this is true, or should be true, for everyone. when is the last time your parents or your siblings truly betrayed you?
i digress...baba's funeral was such a sad affair. i wept the entire time, and even as i read his obituary now, my heart swells up with grief and something actually reaches me in my numbness and stupor. i feel more than just bereft - i feel like someone stole something away, something i never had but could have had. losing baba is different for me because i never had him in the first place. i think from the moment i first met him and cried in his arms, i knew our fate was not to be a happy one. but that didn't stop me from loving him absolutely. that didn't stop him from loving me to the best of his ability - and you know what? that was enough, it really was. but i wish we could have had more time... i wish i could have been someone he could regard as a friend. why was this taken away from me? WHY??? every girl needs her father to walk her down the aisle. every girl needs her daddy to protect her from boys and other bad things that come out of the real world. i'm so sad...i can't even tell anyone...
i feel like if i were to start over anew with you, baba, we could have gotten along famously. and now i'm crying again, not only because you're not here anymore, but because i miss you, i really do, and it's true that no one can ever take your place. i don't want to warp my memories of you - i want to keep them genuine, so that's why i'll remember the bad along with the good. thank you for taking me to chuck e. cheese's for my (eighth? ninth?) birthday. thank you for singing with me on the way to piano lessons. thank you for being so proud of me, especially when i don't deserve it. i'm never going to say goodbye, because there's no need...
click here for the obituary.
**may - june**
in mourning for baba, i retreated into myself these next couple of months. i returned to work after arkansas, but there were days i could not see the meaning in life in the inevitability of death. reyes tried to help me, but because he only wanted me to be better and kept telling me everything was going to be ok when i didn't feel it, i went further into myself. i buried feelings i didn't want to examine, and consequently, some domestic issues resulted. i lost touch with some people i cared about the most, but hopefully, with some love and nurturing, it will return - not in its original form, because that's impossible, but in a new state that's different but just as good. hope and love are the only things i have. i am a great hoper, as i am a great lover. i am just waiting for Time to do her work...
**june - july**
we visited home every weekend. it was super important to be near mum, and also i wanted to help her out with some of the after effects. we sold my car, and thought about selling the house, but that decision still hasn't been made yet. i really, really wished i could be around my family, but too bad they are all in china and thousands of miles away... it plain sucks because this is the time i probably needed them the most and they weren't here... but at least my aunt linda came. :) i love her so much, and she is such a fun person to be around. still, everything felt very awkward, and i didn't know why. i just buried myself in work, and that wasn't hard, seeing how orientation was just beginning. i also (miraculously) started studying for the LSAT. note to self and others: avoid using kaplan at all costs. :P at least for LSATs!
**july-august**
went to columbus, ohio. you can go back to my july 18th entry and see pictures. ^^
work is getting to me, finally... i'm ready for the school year to start. i am ready to meet new people again and find myself surrounded by open doors and opportunities... i want to find myself, period. i've been uprooted not once, but twice, and this final time, i have to settle down to deciding who i am once and for all because i need to survive in this world. no matter how much i view friendship with cynicism, i also love and need it, because my friends are pretty much my adopted siblings. i can't wait to be surrounded by my roomies, and to LIVE again.
**??? - ???**
every year we turn over new leaves, and gasp in wonder at what we see. prepare to be amazed... :)