(no subject)
It's eleven:twenty-eight pm and I should be sleeping, I know it and still, I can't, I just can't. I'm on fucking fire and I can feel it all burning inside of me, this big neglected ember just seraing through my insides, bursting and crying out to be free. Oh God, let it be.
I don't know what it is running over and over, arounf anf again in my head but it won't stop and I won't let it. I'm on a roll, baby, and I son't stop. Not for anyone, not now.
I walked to work today and smiled as I sang to all the little people in their airtight compacts, their sound-proof minivans. I sang and I smiled and I balanced on the curb. Everything today was just alive enough that I walked the length of two towns without one numb digit. Not one cold thumb.
And it all came crashing down ten minutes before five. And pulled itself back up again on a cement roadside bench. I was hoping that'd he'd be coming. I didn't want to set myself up, and I fell, right back in to those arms again.
Oh God, I know, you don't believe me, and I don't care what curses are breathed behind the backs of customers in the ice cream line, because I've got it all so figured out. I am grounded. grounded for now, but flying for Spring. I will not back down. I'm not giving up.
I wore my hair on the otherside today, it made everything seem ugly. I showered up and made myself pretty for a person whom ended not coming at all. Be he did! But he did! And then I was complete.
Baby, fall....
And I smiled to customers and wrote down orders. I laughed with Jen and talked with my cousin. I ahd every emotion I could've ever felt today bottled up and spilt out all over the place today. And it felt so good, it felt so...
I cried. I cried and cried in the closet after so many months of choking up and swallowing. Man. It felt so much better.
And I realized that never have I been this desperate. And never have I been this sure.
And ofcourse, we know, you've all heard it before. But who is to say that you know our ways, or mine for exactly when you're just regarding the times. The current, the trendy, oh please, keep in the know.
I am making it all better for myself. And I mean it this time.
You want to know the truth? I have been cutting my wrists since I was in the eighth grade. It started when I found out that a close friend of mine had started dating my ex. Then it was the product of pure and utter ennui during an art project. Others a complete black out.
You want to know the truth? I've been taking excessive amount of ibprofen and Adcil since I was in the seventh grade. I did it to realive stress headaches. Then it just becuase a natural dependency.
I don't know why I have done the things that I have. I don't know what made me think.
All I know is that I need to get better to be of any use to anyone else. Because I am tired of sympathy, or apathy or anything that isn't genuine and real. Nice and simple.
The truth in all these things is that for once in my life I am determined enough. I know what I want. I won't back down.
I go away in 7 days. You better damned well be sure that when I get back, hell hath no fury.
With every ounce of energy I have left I devote it to doing whats right and making thing's better. No one will believe me 'til I show them. But the only one that matters is you and you WILL be shown. Have no fear.
I don't know what I am doing tomorrow. But it will be something grand.
You forgot the picture here.
I swear I'll keep us safe.
...promise.
I don't know what it is running over and over, arounf anf again in my head but it won't stop and I won't let it. I'm on a roll, baby, and I son't stop. Not for anyone, not now.
I walked to work today and smiled as I sang to all the little people in their airtight compacts, their sound-proof minivans. I sang and I smiled and I balanced on the curb. Everything today was just alive enough that I walked the length of two towns without one numb digit. Not one cold thumb.
And it all came crashing down ten minutes before five. And pulled itself back up again on a cement roadside bench. I was hoping that'd he'd be coming. I didn't want to set myself up, and I fell, right back in to those arms again.
Oh God, I know, you don't believe me, and I don't care what curses are breathed behind the backs of customers in the ice cream line, because I've got it all so figured out. I am grounded. grounded for now, but flying for Spring. I will not back down. I'm not giving up.
I wore my hair on the otherside today, it made everything seem ugly. I showered up and made myself pretty for a person whom ended not coming at all. Be he did! But he did! And then I was complete.
Baby, fall....
And I smiled to customers and wrote down orders. I laughed with Jen and talked with my cousin. I ahd every emotion I could've ever felt today bottled up and spilt out all over the place today. And it felt so good, it felt so...
I cried. I cried and cried in the closet after so many months of choking up and swallowing. Man. It felt so much better.
And I realized that never have I been this desperate. And never have I been this sure.
And ofcourse, we know, you've all heard it before. But who is to say that you know our ways, or mine for exactly when you're just regarding the times. The current, the trendy, oh please, keep in the know.
I am making it all better for myself. And I mean it this time.
You want to know the truth? I have been cutting my wrists since I was in the eighth grade. It started when I found out that a close friend of mine had started dating my ex. Then it was the product of pure and utter ennui during an art project. Others a complete black out.
You want to know the truth? I've been taking excessive amount of ibprofen and Adcil since I was in the seventh grade. I did it to realive stress headaches. Then it just becuase a natural dependency.
I don't know why I have done the things that I have. I don't know what made me think.
All I know is that I need to get better to be of any use to anyone else. Because I am tired of sympathy, or apathy or anything that isn't genuine and real. Nice and simple.
The truth in all these things is that for once in my life I am determined enough. I know what I want. I won't back down.
I go away in 7 days. You better damned well be sure that when I get back, hell hath no fury.
With every ounce of energy I have left I devote it to doing whats right and making thing's better. No one will believe me 'til I show them. But the only one that matters is you and you WILL be shown. Have no fear.
I don't know what I am doing tomorrow. But it will be something grand.
You forgot the picture here.
I swear I'll keep us safe.
...promise.