Fic: Hollywood Chiaroscuro (1/1)
“Jensen Ackles stopped by South Beverly Grill yesterday for lunch with his agent, Kim Rhodes. The award-winning actor had plenty of smiles for the crowd, and even stopped to play with an adorable puppy. We can't wait to hear about his new project, rumored to be starting in a couple of months.” Entertainment Tonight
Jensen Ackles, well-established singer and actor. Dramas, rom coms, westerns, sci fi flicks--Jensen did them all, with or without a soundtrack. Handsome, famous yet still approachable, women swooned after Jensen while men wanted to buy him a drink and talk sports. Seen as a romantic lead with down-home charm, Jensen was as marketable a star as any agency could wish for.
“Jensen Ackles out with yet another beautiful starlet at Hollywood hotspot, Avalon. Is this date with Danneel Harris a real love match, or is it simply another Tinseltown fling? Ackles, regarded as Hollywood's hottest and most eligible bachelor, remains an enigma in the love arena, having had several relationships with the most beautiful actresses and entertainers around, but always eluding them before the appearance of a ring.” Perez Hilton
Jensen had some flings along the way, but only a couple of relationships ever made it to the serious stage. He worked hard to keep his real connections under the radar of the paparazzi. One was with Danneel Harris, and he gave serious thought to popping the question to her. Danneel was beautiful, bright, funny as hell, and knew the biz inside and out. She would make a formidable and simpatico companion. The other relationship had been kept under close wraps; no one knew that he and his close friend musician Chris Kane had actually been lovers at one time. God forbid Jensen Ackles be outed as bisexual--box offices everywhere would be shuttered in a flash, the romantic idol revealed as a queer. Instead, he broke off the relationship and subsequently squired around various lovely lady friends to openings, studio events, restaurants, being sure to be seen by the ever-present paparazzi.
“Jensen Ackles bringing yet another beautiful lady-friend to the opening of Small Days, his latest hit. The couple looked lovey-dovey on the red carpet, but we know Ackles has teased us before. No one is laying any money down until we see the ring. Until then, Ackles is regarded as simply playing the field.” Hollywood Tonight
Jensen broke off the gay relationship himself; it made him feel tawdry, hiding his true feelings all the time. He didn't like pretending to be someone he was not when he wasn't onscreen. He was not, however, ready to come out publicly as bisexual, so for the time being he refrained from any further relationships, sticking to casual dating and just enjoying himself.
It didn't mean that he wasn't lonely. Jensen was not the kind of man who could take hook-ups lightly; the depth of his emotions--that same attribute that contributed to his stirring portrayals on-screen--prevented him from seeking out or enjoying casual, meaningless sex. As a result, while millions pictured Jensen Ackles having frequent, amazing sex with many beautiful partners, in reality he was most often home alone. Porn, masturbation, and the odd sex toy were his primary solace.
From time to time, Jensen would slip away from his glamorous life, from all the shiny people and places that made up his world, and disappear into anonymity. Putting on a ball cap and a t-shirt, letting his face get scruffy, he walked down neighborhood streets unrecognized. Jensen liked finding a club or a diner, going in for a drink or a coffee, maybe listening to some music. No one other than the waiter paid attention to the guy in the dimly-lit corner ordering whiskey and a beer, or black coffee and maybe a slice of pie in a diner's vinyl-upholstered booth.
On one such midnight foray, Jensen found himself in a little bistro, sipping Knob Creek whiskey and listening to a trumpet-bass-drums trio playing a moody mix of jazz and blues. A tall figure came out from backstage, taking the mic with a smile amid the spattering of applause. “Thanks...we're in the mood for making music, and if y'all want to dance a bit, feel free.” He gestured to the small floor in front of the stage before nodding to the drummer, who set a slow beat with his whisks slurring on his drums. The bass and trumpet joined in, and The Man Who Got Away wafted through the air.
The night is bitter
the stars have lost their glitter
the winds grow colder
and suddenly you're older
and all because
of the man who got away...
Jensen was captivated. He loved the song, and the trio and its singer conveyed the love and longing perfectly. The singer himself was captivating too; clearly over six feet tall, draped in a cream linen shirt and black pants that hugged his long legs. Shaggy dark brown hair hid and revealed deep-set eyes, model-high cheekbones, and pretty pink lips that shaped the words in alternately wry and seductive ways.
Jensen was hooked.
“Jensen Ackles introduces his new protege, seen here with Ackles entering Katsuya Hollywood. Singer Jared Padalecki will debut on Jimmy Kimmel, just weeks after Ackles discovered him in a Long Beach jazz club. Rumor has it that not only will Padalecki sing on TV, but already has a deal with Concord Records for his first album, set to begin recording after the holidays.” Access Hollywood
Jensen's heart swelled with pride as he saw the executives listening raptly to Jared's freshly mixed tracks. His television debut had gone swimmingly; between his sultry yet sweet voice and his stunning good looks, America had immediately fallen for Jared Padalecki. Concord assembled a solid group of studio musicians who recorded some covers and a couple of Jared's original songs, and Studio City Sound was mixing it. Jensen knew it would be a hit.
And it was.
“Jared Padalecki here with his armload of Grammys! Padalecki swept half a dozen categories including Best Newcomer, Best Jazz Vocal, and Best Album of the Year! Discovered only last year by A-list actor Jensen Ackles, Padalecki has quickly won the hearts of fans everywhere! When asked about his next plans, Padalecki blushed charmingly and told us that he's starting work for his first movie role next month! We can't wait to see the handsome crooner up on the big screen!” E! News
Jensen thought it would be easier for Jared's first time onscreen if he didn't have the pressure of Jensen's fame and presence. They could co-star in the next movie, but for this one, it was all about Jared. Jared's role was not the lead, but as part of an ensemble in a story about a band searching for success. Jensen's strategy proved to be sound; the attention was all on Jared. Jared displayed natural charisma onscreen, and of course his singing was a bonus. The movie was not a blockbuster, but came in a solid hit, launching Jared gracefully into his new career.
“In his first appearance at a Hollywood premiere, Jared Padalecki showed up smiling and waving to his new fans. Accompanied by friend and mentor Jensen Ackles, Padalecki wore a navy blue V-neck cashmere sweater and black jeans. He stopped for pictures outside the theater telling us with a big grin, “I sure am nervous about this. I never thought I'd be in the movies, but it was a lot of fun and I hope I get to do it again soon.” Judging by the warm reception No Cover on Fridays is receiving, we think you can be sure of that, Jared!” CNN Entertainment
Filming with Jared was both bliss and torture for Jensen. He and Jared were close friends now, Jared even staying in Jensen's sprawling Malibu home, but Jensen's feelings for Jared went way beyond friendship. He knew Jared was openly bisexual, but Jensen had avoided revealing his own homosexuality in turn. Instead, he suffered long nights tossing and turning until he finally jerked off with Jared's beautiful features and gorgeous body in his mind, or took cold showers before and after shooting days. It took all of his skill as an actor to control his emotions, especially when Jared went on dates. Fortunately for Jensen, that didn't happen too often. While many young women and men asked Jared out, he preferred to stay at home or go out to dinner or clubs with Jensen. Jared claimed he didn't feel comfortable going out in Los Angeles by himself, and Jensen let himself believe it.
It all worked until they shot the scene where Jared's character 'Ray' proclaimed his love for 'Michelle', the sister of Jensen's character 'Steve'. “Steve' stood silently by while 'Ray' poured out how he loved 'Michelle', until finally she jumped up into his arms and kissed him. Seeing the pretty, petite brunette actress wrap her arms and legs around Jared while they laughed and cried in simulated joy, Jensen thought his heart was going to shatter. It felt all too real to him, and he realized he couldn't bear it.
Scarcely did the director called “Cut!” when Jensen grabbed Jared's hand and dragged him off to Jensen's trailer. Jared protested mildly, but allowed himself to be shuffled along up the stairs and into the trailer where Jensen slammed the door shut behind them.
“Dude! What is the matter?” Jared put his hands on his hips and stared at Jensen. “Are you all right? What's going on?”
Jensen stared back, biting his lip and willing himself to speak. Opening his mouth, only a croak came out, and Jared laughed.
“You swallow a frog? Here, have some water.” He turned and pulled a water bottle out of Jensen's mini fridge, handing it to Jensen.
“No!” Jensen batted the bottle away. “It's not-it's just--” He grabbed Jared's shirt and pulled him in, smashing their mouths together.
“Jensen Ackles' new movie Rip Tide had a splashy premiere last night at the El Capitan theatre. The early word is it's a hit, but that buzz is almost overshadowed by the new romance just revealed between co-stars Ackles and newcomer Jared Padalecki. This is Ackles' first gay relationship in the spotlight, while confirming Padalecki's self-proclaimed bisexuality. Ackles has been questioned before about his orientation despite squiring many a hot young actress around town, but there's no doubt about it now as he stands beaming next to his handsome co-star.” justjared.com
“Jared Padalecki smiles and waves as he enters the Dolby Theatre for the 2012 Academy Awards. His nomination as Best Actor for Rip Tidewas as much of a surprise as the lack of a nomination for Jensen Ackles. Ackles, steadfastly happy and supportive of his boyfriend, refused to discuss his being passed over for Best Supporting Actor despite reviews being universally glowing for his performance. “I'm just happy that Jared was recognized for the amazing talent he is,” stated Ackles. “I hope the Academy agrees with me.” E! News
“In a surprise upset, the award for Best Actor went to Jared Padalecki for his first lead role, Ray Simmons in Rip Tide. Padalecki seemed dumbfounded when his name was called, only rising when his partner, Jensen Ackles, repeatedly told him he'd won. Padalecki thanked his director and co-stars, saving his greatest thanks for Ackles, calling Ackles the “best co-star ever and the love of my life.” Ackles applauded from his seat, tears visible on his cheeks.” Huffington Post
“Jared, you've had so much success already. What are your next plans?”
“I don't quite know yet. Lots of scripts have been pouring in since the awards, but Jensen and I haven't had much of a chance to check them out. I'd like to do something with Jensen again, but seems like most of the new scripts are focused just on one character.”
“That little gold man on the mantel says you can carry your next movie by yourself. Will you break out from Jensen's shadow and look for solo projects?”
“I...I don't know...look, I'm really uncomfortable talking about my relationship with Jensen...can we move on?” Entertainment Weekly
“Jared Padalecki out clubbing with friends! The hunky actor visited Avenue and Exchange L.A. with his squad, including bad boy Chad Michael Murray. Notably absent was Jensen Ackles, Padalecki's erstwhile boyfriend, while present was the sultry starlet Genevieve Cortese, seen several times frequently with the Padalecki posse. Cortese was very friendly with Padalecki, sharing drinks and even climbing into his lap at one point. Does this mean trouble in Gay Paradise?” Perez Hilton
Jensen clicked his computer off, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He heard Jared pad out into the living room and stop behind him.
“Stop looking at that stuff, Jen. They just-they twist everything. It was just going out for some dancing.” Jared's voice was soft and worn down. Jensen wanted to turn and hold him, reassure them both that everything was all right, but seeing Genevieve all over Jared ate into Jensen's stomach.
“Look, I get it. You're younger, this is all new and exciting. People are falling all over themselves to be near you. It's...enticing.” Jensen sipped his seltzer, gripping his glass tightly.
“And I get it too. You've done all this already. And yeah, I want to go out and have some fun. But that's all it is. There's nothing going on, especially with Gen. She's just a friend.” Jared's hands drifted onto Jensen's shoulders and squeezed. “Stop reading all that gossip crap. That's what you've always told me.”
Jensen nodded. “You're right. It's just...I feel like I'm just waiting for the phone to ring. I've never gone so long without a serious offer to consider, it's driving me kinda crazy. It's...fuck, it's scary, Jay. I'm scared.” He got up and turned, reaching his arms out for his lover. “I'm sorry. You have every right to go out with your friends.”
“I could cool it with the clubbing. I know I've been letting Chad and the guys talk me into it a lot recently, and I'm sorry about that. Jen, this dry spell going to change, I promise. You're a huge talent, everyone knows it. Studios are stupid. Come here...”
Jared began to tug Jensen in closer, hands gently urging him forward. His eyes moved over Jared's face, trailed down the column of his neck, where a smear of pink caught Jensen's eye. A distinct lipstick smudge was clearly visible at the base of Jared's neck; the imprint of open lips with the hint of a bruise inside. A perfect hickey. Jensen's belly clenched.
“The fuck, Jared? Really?” He shoved Jared away. “Come here telling me pretty lies while you still have her mark on you? Fuck you!”
“What? No! I mean, yeah, she tried to make a move, but I pushed her away. Jen, come on, I would never cheat on you. I love you! You're upset about not working, and-Christ, Jen, you've been doing a lot of drinking lately. Like, a lot. I haven't wanted to say anything, but it's affecting you. It might even be affecting your hiring--”
Jensen felt icy fingers trail down his body, knee-jerk anger laced with threads of fear that Jared spoke the truth. He snarled, “You fucking liar! You're trying to cover your screwing around with these ridiculous accusations! I am not a drunk! You just can't stand that I caught you out!” He heard his voice go on, even while part of his brain knew he was out of control. “You're jealous that I'm still a bigger star than you are! Than you'll ever be!”
Jared stared at Jensen, shock clear on his white face. “Jensen, don't-you can't mean this--”
The icy fingers chilled Jensen's heart. Steeling his voice, he said, “Get your things together and get out, Jared. Now!”
He turned away and heard Jared's choked-off sob, and then footfalls that retreated back down the hall. Jensen's hand blindly reached out and found the gin. Pouring a large slug into his seltzer, he tossed half of it back in a single gulp.
“Jared Padalecki buys 2.4 million dollar spread in the trendy Silverlake area! Padalecki had been living in Malibu at boyfriend Jensen Ackles' house, but rumors have been swirling that the pair has broken up. Padalecki is currently staying at the Chateau Marmont, but now he's purchased his own crib. Next question: is he moving in there alone, or is a certain brunette starlet coming with him?” Perez Hilton
“Genevieve Cortese announces surprise engagement to Chad Michael Murray. The couple met as mutual friends of Jared Padalecki, once rumored to be involved with Cortese himself. “We never dated, we just had fun hanging out together,” Padalecki said. “I couldn't be happier for both of them.” The wedding will be in August, as the bride wants a beach ceremony.” Entertainment Tonight
“Jason Manns, last seen working on a movie score with Danny Elfman, announced that his new album will include vocals by Jared Padalecki. Padalecki, a busy movie actor for the last couple of years, was originally discovered as a singer, and now apparently is returning to his roots. Joining the two singers are...” E! Online
“Where are they now? Ten of Hollywood's brightest lights: popular, talented, and yet nowhere to be seen for a few years. Count down this list with us as we seek out what happened to these former stars. At number ten, Jensen Ackles, an acting and singing double threat with model good looks. Ackles, last seen in Rip Tide with his former protege Jared Padalecki, is rumored to still be living in Malibu at his beach house, but has not been seen onscreen for the last five years. While never a social butterfly, Ackles is considered a recluse, staying cloistered in his home.” Buzzfeed
Jensen scratched his lush beard while his eyes followed the surf crashing on the beach. He'd come across the Buzzfeed article while surfing online. Fucking clickbait. Yeah, he had had it all. Career, love, friends...pretty much all gone now. His career had hit a wall and fallen apart a few years ago, followed by the love of his life leaving him. Well, okay, he'd kicked Jared out, but he knew what the kid had wanted, and it wasn't an older guy who didn't want to go out, whose career was slowly tanking, and who was falling into a bottle. Better for everyone to have cut him loose.
If Jensen was going to be honest with himself--and he might as well be, he had nothing left to lose--he'd brought most of it on himself. He knew better than to start the day with vodka and work through to whiskey by the end. He knew returning any call was better than getting no calls. But once Jared left? He just couldn't seem to care.
And now the news was full of Jared's star turn on Jason's album. It looked like they were going to fuckin' sweep the Grammys, and here was Jensen at the beach, hiding in the house he'd scarcely left for the last few years, drinking himself to death.
Maybe it was time. Time to resolve this once and for all.
He scratched his chin again. Maybe he'd shave first. He hated having a beard.
“Jason Manns and Jared Padalecki on the red carpet at the Grammys! Jason took Album of the Year and Best Alternative Rock, while Jared, in a replay of his debut half a dozen years ago, took a couple of vocal performance awards. The two men credited each other for the success of the album, but Padalecki added, “I owe everything to Jensen Ackles. He found me and gave me my shot, and I would not have any of this were it not for him.” we're sure to be hearing from this duo again!” CNN Entertainment
Leaving the flashing cameras behind on the red carpet, Jared and Jason hugged again, thanking each other for all the work that had gone into their success. “Hey, what made you think about Jensen? Jason asked. “Been awhile, hasn't it? Have you heard from him at all?”
“No, but...I guess just being here, at the Grammys. It's where things really started happening for me, and it was all due to Jensen. Sometimes I think about trying to see him, but...he was pretty adamant that day.” Jared huffed a small laugh. “I've been too scared to try again. I don't think I could go through it again.”
“I get it. I wonder how he's doing too. Listen, if you want to try going out there, I'll come with you. Just in case, y'know? For backup.”
Jared stared at Jason. “Really? You'd do that?” He shook his head. “I'm not sure what the point would even be. He's never contacted me since. Probably moved on a long time ago.”
“Like you have?” Jason nudged Jared in the ribs. “How many hearts have been laid at your door, and you can't seem to give them the time of day?”
Jared punched Jason in the shoulder. “Shut up, asshole.”
Jason slapped Jared on the back. “What do you say we blow off the stupid after-parties and take a drive to the beach, shall we?”
Jensen showered after shaving, ignoring the mess of cream and whiskers he'd left in the sink and letting his wet towels plop carelessly on the floor. He dressed carefully, hand drifting over a couple of shirts before selecting the cream linen one. He stroked the material, remembering how it had draped on Jared that night they'd met. Somehow it ended up on Jensen's side of the closet, pushed to the back. Now Jensen pulled it out, giving it a little shake before slipping his arms through the sleeves.
Black silk pajama pants-no need for boxers or socks. He left the bathroom, mirror still steamy, and went into the living room. The whole wall was ocean view; waves breaking, thundering on the sand. He'd always loved living at the beach-the beauty of the ocean, the way the beach made and remade itself.
Throwing open the French doors, Jensen walked across the deck and out onto the sand.
Jared felt more and more anxious as they drove out to Malibu. A bottle of champagne rested on the caddy between the driver and passenger seats. “What are we even celebrating?” asked Jared pensively.
Jason glanced over at Jared. “You okay, dude?”
“Yeah, I just...I feel really anxious.” Jared shifted nervously in his seat. “Can you...drive faster?”
The waves rolled around Jensen's knees. The tide was pulling away, and he could feel the suction of the water.
It would be so easy. Just...let yourself go. whispered a voice inside his brain.
Jared, whispered another voice. You can't do this to Jared.
He stared out at the rolling surf, wondering just when he'd lost himself so very, very badly.
Jason pulled up to Jensen's house. Jared tore out of the car, flinging the front door wide. It was unlocked, and he didn't know if that reassured him or scared him. “Jensen!” he called, running through the rooms he knew so well. “Jensen!”
The humid air of the bathroom caught him, making him slow down and investigate. Stepping inside, Jared saw a sink full of ginger shavings and wilted shaving cream. Damp towels lay on the floor. He bolted from the room.
“He was just here!” he said as he hurried past Jason. “Look, the doors to the deck are open!” He grabbed Jason and tugged at him. “Come on, I-we gotta find him.”
They ran out onto the beach, looking up and down the dark shore, calling Jensen's name.
The surf washed around Jensen's legs; they were getting numb, but he wasn't really paying attention. The cold creeping up his body was almost a relief; a heavy weight wrapping around him, pulling him down. You could sleep here, his brain murmured. Sleep safe forever, the ocean promised.
“Jensen!”
As if in a dream, he heard his name.
“Jensen!”
And of course, it was Jared's voice. What other dream could be so sweet?
“Jensen!” The yell was almost in his ear, and sweet Jesus it was Jared's voice, and now Jared's strong arms were wrapping around him, pulling him back from the water that lured him deeper. “Jensen.” A rich, warm purr, trickling warmth down him as his body sagged against Jared's strong frame, Jared's big hands cradling his face.
“Jensen.” A whisper against his chilly cheek, filled with warmth and love.
“Paramedics were called out to Malibu last night to aid Jensen Ackles, movie star and Malibu recluse. Ackles was caught in an ebb tide on the beach when Jared Padalecki, Ackles' former lover, happened upon him and rescued him. Padalecki was fresh from the Grammy awards, where he'd collected three awards from his collaboration with musician and friend Jason Manns. Manns collected two Grammy awards himself, and the pair had driven out to Malibu to share their victories with Ackles, a mutual friend. Ackles spent a night in the hospital for observation, but is reported as doing fine. Judging by the smiles and hand-holding between him and Padalecki as they departed the hospital, the flame is once again burning bright for these two.” Access Hollywood