I would rather it be out then in my head
The fact that I have to write things down that bother me or I can't sleep has gotten worse the older I get. Everyone knows I have this tight knit circle of friends but sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. When it comes to something that makes me overly emotional I keep it to myself because I can't handle the emotions and I feel like people would think I am just bitching and complain so I write. I write so I don't cry, I write so I don't get anxious, I write so I don't lash out, and I write so I can make some sense out of the things that are going on. I am learning to push people away and it is a bitter sweet feeling. I have learned to finally be secure in my relationship with Rudy. I am admitting that having sex with someone I really like scares the shit out of me, but i am too emotionally attached to do the one night stand thing. It is funny how one guy who I really liked just quit talking to me and i was an emotional wreck but I can't allow myself to be with someone who truly likes me and doesn't see me as a sexual thing because sex is the only thing I don't see myself ever doing with them. Emotions that aren't black and white drain me.