Unsettling Feelings
Okay, so I have a lot of stuff to say, but not to anyone in particular. So many feelings running through me; thoughts running through my head.
I love my friends. I'd do anything for them. And any of my friends should be able to tell you that. But sometimes I feel used. A friend just IM-ed me because she was upset and needed to talk to someone. That's cool with me. But she hasn't called me or IM-ed me or e-mailed me just to say hi. I know college is rough and you get busy but at least say hi. I get complained to and people cry on my shoulder, then seem to just walk away, sometimes without a thanks. Just walk away. I mean...it seems the only time certain friends talk to me is when they are upset or have something to complain about. I like to complain and cry too sometimes, but not randomly to someone who I never attempt to have a normal coversation with.
And one of my best friends is still not aloud to talk to girls. I asked his girlfriend why and she said, "He can't talk to girls because I can't talk to boys." What the f*ck man. So are you two just going to f*cking restrict each other from the opposite sex completely? How f*cked is that, that I can't even talk to one of my best friends because he can't talk to girls? F*cking get over yourselves and grow up.
I probably mentioned how I hate Valentine's Day. Well, I really do. I think I'm finally getting lonely. I've been single since...August. 7 months. it doesn't seem too long when you just say "7 months" but to live it, especially on V-Day, seeing couples together and happy, is hard. I mean, I'm happy for those happy couples, and happy they have someone that makes them happy. It's just hard to see it sometimes. And to think about it. I see this one couple every Thursday and they seem really happy together and I'm happy for them, but it also makes me sad to see them and think how I don't have that. I used to. Many times. I mean...I'm not one to say I haven't been around the block a few times when it comes to dating. Heck, I did laps around the damn block. I was running, two, three at a time. Yeah, go ahead, call me a ho. I will admit I HAVE cheated and I feel like an ass to this day. But anyway...I miss having someone hold me. Anyone. Just someone to care about me. My last boyfriend broke up with me through an e-mail, while I was on the other side of the world, saying he found someone else. (He's still with her...which hurts even more.) Maybe I'm not meant to have anyone. Ever.
And I'm scared. Scared about turning 18. Being an adult. Going to college. Being on my own. Growing up. I don't want to do any of it, but I know I must. And it's all so close. Looming over my head. Like a cloud getting darker and lower with every day that passes by. I'm going to be 10 hours away, in North Carolina. Talk about removing yourself from your security. I'll have 3 friends down there' 2 within an hour of me, and one within 3 hours. But still. It's scary. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm excited about life...going to college and getting a job and meeting people. But it's just so foreign that it scares me to tears. I have to go down to my college this coming weekend to do a couple interviews for scholarships and my major; also a field hockey tryout. I haven't played field hockey since my freshman year of high school. Can you imagine how hard it will be to make a Division II team? My high school coach says I can't do it. Well, she didn't say it out-right in those words but from what she did say, you know she meant it/thought it. And maybe she's right. Just maybe.
And I hate being doubted. That coach is not the only one who doubts me. My aunt and uncle always doubt me in almost everything. Or at least that's the way they make me feel sometimes. I hate being doubted. Talk about a self esteem dropper.
You know, I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying to express myself and talk to new people. It's hard. I've been writing poetry more. Real poetry; none of that "I love my best friend" shi+ that I used to write. It's more about love now but at least it's not corny friend shi+. And I started to write a book but, like the last one, it probably won't get finished. But I've shown my poetry more. I'm an Assistant Literary Editor (or something like that) for my school's literary magazine. I've submited my poems in there too. So they get read anonymously at meetings, and I get to hear what others think about them. Good and bad. Every week, I say to myself how I'm going to overcome my public speaking fear and read some poems in front of the meeting...but I never do. (I think I did once.) I really have to try harder. I'm going to have to public speak in college, and in my career. I just don't like speaking to many strangers at a time when I can see their faces. I think if it was a football stadium of people, where I couldn't tell faces, I could do it. But when it's 6, 7, or 8 people and I can see faces, it's hard. But I'm still trying.
I've been getting more "culturally involved" lately. I read 3 books within the past 2 weeks, one of which was 350-something pages. Go me. I've also been watching movies too. I was never a movie watcher before. And when I went to the video rental store, there was a cute guy working there. probably between 19 and 21. I'll most likely never approach him, and he'll never approach me though.
I'm done.
I love my friends. I'd do anything for them. And any of my friends should be able to tell you that. But sometimes I feel used. A friend just IM-ed me because she was upset and needed to talk to someone. That's cool with me. But she hasn't called me or IM-ed me or e-mailed me just to say hi. I know college is rough and you get busy but at least say hi. I get complained to and people cry on my shoulder, then seem to just walk away, sometimes without a thanks. Just walk away. I mean...it seems the only time certain friends talk to me is when they are upset or have something to complain about. I like to complain and cry too sometimes, but not randomly to someone who I never attempt to have a normal coversation with.
And one of my best friends is still not aloud to talk to girls. I asked his girlfriend why and she said, "He can't talk to girls because I can't talk to boys." What the f*ck man. So are you two just going to f*cking restrict each other from the opposite sex completely? How f*cked is that, that I can't even talk to one of my best friends because he can't talk to girls? F*cking get over yourselves and grow up.
I probably mentioned how I hate Valentine's Day. Well, I really do. I think I'm finally getting lonely. I've been single since...August. 7 months. it doesn't seem too long when you just say "7 months" but to live it, especially on V-Day, seeing couples together and happy, is hard. I mean, I'm happy for those happy couples, and happy they have someone that makes them happy. It's just hard to see it sometimes. And to think about it. I see this one couple every Thursday and they seem really happy together and I'm happy for them, but it also makes me sad to see them and think how I don't have that. I used to. Many times. I mean...I'm not one to say I haven't been around the block a few times when it comes to dating. Heck, I did laps around the damn block. I was running, two, three at a time. Yeah, go ahead, call me a ho. I will admit I HAVE cheated and I feel like an ass to this day. But anyway...I miss having someone hold me. Anyone. Just someone to care about me. My last boyfriend broke up with me through an e-mail, while I was on the other side of the world, saying he found someone else. (He's still with her...which hurts even more.) Maybe I'm not meant to have anyone. Ever.
And I'm scared. Scared about turning 18. Being an adult. Going to college. Being on my own. Growing up. I don't want to do any of it, but I know I must. And it's all so close. Looming over my head. Like a cloud getting darker and lower with every day that passes by. I'm going to be 10 hours away, in North Carolina. Talk about removing yourself from your security. I'll have 3 friends down there' 2 within an hour of me, and one within 3 hours. But still. It's scary. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm excited about life...going to college and getting a job and meeting people. But it's just so foreign that it scares me to tears. I have to go down to my college this coming weekend to do a couple interviews for scholarships and my major; also a field hockey tryout. I haven't played field hockey since my freshman year of high school. Can you imagine how hard it will be to make a Division II team? My high school coach says I can't do it. Well, she didn't say it out-right in those words but from what she did say, you know she meant it/thought it. And maybe she's right. Just maybe.
And I hate being doubted. That coach is not the only one who doubts me. My aunt and uncle always doubt me in almost everything. Or at least that's the way they make me feel sometimes. I hate being doubted. Talk about a self esteem dropper.
You know, I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying to express myself and talk to new people. It's hard. I've been writing poetry more. Real poetry; none of that "I love my best friend" shi+ that I used to write. It's more about love now but at least it's not corny friend shi+. And I started to write a book but, like the last one, it probably won't get finished. But I've shown my poetry more. I'm an Assistant Literary Editor (or something like that) for my school's literary magazine. I've submited my poems in there too. So they get read anonymously at meetings, and I get to hear what others think about them. Good and bad. Every week, I say to myself how I'm going to overcome my public speaking fear and read some poems in front of the meeting...but I never do. (I think I did once.) I really have to try harder. I'm going to have to public speak in college, and in my career. I just don't like speaking to many strangers at a time when I can see their faces. I think if it was a football stadium of people, where I couldn't tell faces, I could do it. But when it's 6, 7, or 8 people and I can see faces, it's hard. But I'm still trying.
I've been getting more "culturally involved" lately. I read 3 books within the past 2 weeks, one of which was 350-something pages. Go me. I've also been watching movies too. I was never a movie watcher before. And when I went to the video rental store, there was a cute guy working there. probably between 19 and 21. I'll most likely never approach him, and he'll never approach me though.
I'm done.