Roil and Rev
So many thoughts swirling around in my brain today. Time for stream of consciousness? Why not...
Had fries and brownies for supper, not the healthiest of meals. Got Tori Amos singing in the background. Love her Beekeeper album. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, some of her other albums were more evocative, some of her other music more lyrical - but there just something about this album that I like. I guess music is like that sometimes. We can try to sum up our preferences based upon what our brain thinks we like - but sometimes there are those songs that hit us at some fundamental level, while 'on paper' their genres or artists or styles would never have made it onto our radar. Love that. Love hearing a new fabulous piece of music unexpectedly on the radio and needing to run home and find it on itunes to download because it called to me that loudly. The last piece of music that did that to me was an Alpha Rev song - New Morning. That whole album rocks.
So, I was thinking today, as I sat traffic this morning on the way to work, about my 'friends' issue. The issue being that the inventory is rather low. I just haven't felt the same ease of making new friends since Sherrie.
I found one person that I thought might be a good possibility for a new friend, but just when we were starting to get to know each other better, she left the company. We told each other that we'd have to definitely continue our monthly lunches out even after she left, but she hasn't called me and I haven't called her. I was reflecting on why I haven't called her - and I can't come up with any good reasons. The only thing I can come up with is that it's easier to let the connection atrophy and fall away then to put myself out there to be hurt.
Sometimes I feel like a big chicken. I've let my friendships with Monte and Jamie slip away. I haven't kept in touch with either of them. Same with all of my online friends. The only person I've been in even moderate contact with is Kate, and even so, I haven't seen her in months. Why? I keep asking myself that and then proceed directly to avoiding answering it. Mostly because it points to an aspect of myself that I don't much like - that I'm self-centered.
I like my solitude because there's no one to put me down or judge me. I can do what I like - whether it be read slash fanfiction or make jewelry or write bad science fiction - and there are no competing voices (my own is loud enough, thank you) to call me lazy or addicted or trite. The repository of copious criticisms doesn't grow any larger than it already is.
It makes me sad how critical people are. And I feel lonely with that feeling. I wish I could find someone like me who can see that everyone has a purpose, even those that we don't like. And we could bond over the amusing irony of knowing that everyone serves a purpose and yet we still rail against certain categories of people at the same time - the ignorant, the righteous, the intolerant...lol - best quote ever:
"There are only two things I can't stand in this world - people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and The Dutch." Snerk.
To top off this post with a completely inconsequential matter, but that I just need to 'say' out loud so-to-speak - I wish people would stop teasing Tom Brady about his hair. I don't follow football, but I just breezed by yahoo and an article was on the home page about the various reactions to his long hair. Leave the man alone for God's sake.
Had fries and brownies for supper, not the healthiest of meals. Got Tori Amos singing in the background. Love her Beekeeper album. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, some of her other albums were more evocative, some of her other music more lyrical - but there just something about this album that I like. I guess music is like that sometimes. We can try to sum up our preferences based upon what our brain thinks we like - but sometimes there are those songs that hit us at some fundamental level, while 'on paper' their genres or artists or styles would never have made it onto our radar. Love that. Love hearing a new fabulous piece of music unexpectedly on the radio and needing to run home and find it on itunes to download because it called to me that loudly. The last piece of music that did that to me was an Alpha Rev song - New Morning. That whole album rocks.
So, I was thinking today, as I sat traffic this morning on the way to work, about my 'friends' issue. The issue being that the inventory is rather low. I just haven't felt the same ease of making new friends since Sherrie.
I found one person that I thought might be a good possibility for a new friend, but just when we were starting to get to know each other better, she left the company. We told each other that we'd have to definitely continue our monthly lunches out even after she left, but she hasn't called me and I haven't called her. I was reflecting on why I haven't called her - and I can't come up with any good reasons. The only thing I can come up with is that it's easier to let the connection atrophy and fall away then to put myself out there to be hurt.
Sometimes I feel like a big chicken. I've let my friendships with Monte and Jamie slip away. I haven't kept in touch with either of them. Same with all of my online friends. The only person I've been in even moderate contact with is Kate, and even so, I haven't seen her in months. Why? I keep asking myself that and then proceed directly to avoiding answering it. Mostly because it points to an aspect of myself that I don't much like - that I'm self-centered.
I like my solitude because there's no one to put me down or judge me. I can do what I like - whether it be read slash fanfiction or make jewelry or write bad science fiction - and there are no competing voices (my own is loud enough, thank you) to call me lazy or addicted or trite. The repository of copious criticisms doesn't grow any larger than it already is.
It makes me sad how critical people are. And I feel lonely with that feeling. I wish I could find someone like me who can see that everyone has a purpose, even those that we don't like. And we could bond over the amusing irony of knowing that everyone serves a purpose and yet we still rail against certain categories of people at the same time - the ignorant, the righteous, the intolerant...lol - best quote ever:
Click to view"There are only two things I can't stand in this world - people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and The Dutch." Snerk.
To top off this post with a completely inconsequential matter, but that I just need to 'say' out loud so-to-speak - I wish people would stop teasing Tom Brady about his hair. I don't follow football, but I just breezed by yahoo and an article was on the home page about the various reactions to his long hair. Leave the man alone for God's sake.