A Day to Remember
Today is unforgettable. However, in view of my bad memory, I shall record it here lest I forget =P
Hopefully, this is gonna be my first clear-headed entry, unmotivated by zibeiness.
The day started out fine. I had mugged maths the day before, doing some parts of the darn maths assignment (to which Gwee nicely gave answers, although I found no real use for them cos I was infinitely puzzled by the qns). I was feeling confident, although worried that I had no managed to finish the assignment, but had faith in my ability nonetheless, with a certain preparation to "wing it" and bank in on my usual tyconess.
I started to worry when I stepped into class and realised most of the people had finished the assignment. Still, I brushed it off with foolish VANITY. So much for vanity being better than a lack of confidence =P
The first lesson was PE. A terrible start to the day. I thought we were gonna play soccer or some other team sport in which I would be able to slack at the side while occassionally getting to touch the ball if I was lucky. No such luck/misfortune. We were to do PULL-UPS.
It would have been...well, okay, if a certain RAM did not ask us to run a few (one or two) rounds. It would have been ACCEPTABLE if we all had to run two rounds together. But NOO, he decided that we were PLAYING A FOOL during the run, while a small group of five, who had simply been a few seconds ahead of us werent, and were thus spared the second round and the annoying drill of leg-lifts. It would have been TOLERABLE if I had actually been playing a fool. But being the GOOD BOY i am, I only slacked. INJUSTICE!
Well, finally we got to the pullups. I was feeling uneasy about jumping up to grab the pullup bar. After all, I recalled being too short to do so last year and having to be carried up to the bar. At the same time, I was feeling confident (possibly complacent, on hindsight) at being able to do 3 pullups, since I had done so last year, when I was most definitely a lot weaker. To my amazement, I managed to grab the pullup bar after simply jumping =D. But to my shock, I was close to finishing my third pullup when I felt my arms just freeze, and my body elevate no further...it was a desperate struggle to squiggle my way up a few inches, but to no avail, I crashed down back to the floor.
So much for the confidence. Understandably, I began thinking to myself, what could have been the reason for my failure (a.k.a giving excuses to console myself): I guess I gained weight, or grew weaker?! Maybe it was the jubilation of catching the pullup bar that caught me off-guard, maybe I was slacking, hadnt done my best...but no excuses satisfied me.
I had failed, and I knew it. In case any one is thinking right now: "Well at least you did two, I didnt manage to do ANY/I did only ONE", remember that I weight a mere 46kg, extraordinarily light for someone this age. It should be easier to lift my mass. There was no more running away, I had to admit that I am weak.
For the first time, I actually met the expectations of the athletes around me, I failed. I mean, it is obvious that a little guy who didnt seem to participate in sports at all would not be able to do pullups right? It's a wonder how I pass my 2.4 with timing of 11min plus. I began to feel a tad disheartened. It didnt show.
Recess went on as usual. Got an icecream, hoping the sugar boost would cheer me up. I guess it worked a little. I consoled myself thinking that my strength was in academics, I would get my A1 for this test. After all, I had familiarised myself with all the formulas and was fairly competent at converting the equations.
"Fairly competent" didnt cut it. The first two questions went by easily, as I felt confident I could actually pass this test. It got difficult from the 2nd question onwards, as I found myself spinning my pen impatiently, staring at the increasingly complex equations on my paper, hoping for the inspiration to solve the question to hit me. I was incredibly confused. The equations I was supposed to simplify or convert only got more and more complex, as my working seemed to lead nowhere.
Although I did manage to clear my mind and skip the questions I didnt know and tackle easier ones, I had left three questions unanswered by the end of the test. There was no way of getting an A1, even a pass seemed improbable (especially since Gwee isnt exactly known for giving working marks :( ). I could only console myself with the hope that she might give a retest, since some people also seemed to have problems with the paper. Deep inside, I knew the chance was slim, but I hung on to it.
The rest of the day just didnt seem right. Thoughts were nagging me in my head. I was weak, and now even incompetent in my studies. I WAS becoming useless. Observing the subsequent lessons and how classmates would actively participate in class, I was reminded once again that I was not speaking up enough. Maybe I didnt belong in this Humanities Class. What part of me was vocal enough to belong anyway? History wasnt exactly boring, but there was so much to remember. Geog was simply...repetitive and BORING. Lit was getting harder to understand, esp in the fog of Macbeth. I fear for my grades.
But still, I looked forward to EP3 at the end of the day. Perhaps playing some music would cheer me up.
Galven couldnt make it for orchestra. He had debate. I was feeling resentful at how he was skipping orchestra, but it totally wasnt his choice (or at least I hope it wasnt) and debate WAS more important. But then after lunch, I returned to class to find Ervin gone too, with his violin still left in class, it was certain that he wasnt going for orchestra. (Somehow the situation reminded me somewhat of Yarn in Sec 1) I shrugged it off, assuming he had a valid reason (as usual), trying hard not to jump to the conclusion that he was skipping orch once again cause he decided he didnt like it anymore.
I dunno why I felt bothered about the observation. Yeah, sure, we arent exactly good friends or anything, neither do I belong in his clique, but there was a certain bond formed between people from the same class, going for the same EP3, and for a moment you actually think that such a situation would make you, well, friends. But some things just arent meant to be, and perhaps can never change. Some friends naturally go together, some can never fit no matter how hard you try. Urrgh, nvm.
So I trudged off to orch alone. Sat down reluctantly at front desk, because TiapYang wasnt there yet. Thankfully he was busy with other matters, guess he isnt as slacky as I thought =P
The new teacher makes me feel rather useless and lousy. My viola teacher is so strict, picking on my every mistake, which although gives hope that I might improve, makes me feel extremely flawed and useless (having learnt the instrument for 3 years already and still so lousy)
The new conductor, on the other hand, has high expectations of the orchestra, expectations that I just cannot meet. When TiapYang isnt here, the viola section is absolutely useless, at least that's the impression I get from the sniggers from the other sections when we fail to play out when requested to play alone, or the exasperated expression on the conductor's face when our solo parts come in, or he has to call on us to play a particular portion by ourselves.
I felt even more useless in orchestra, and began to feel rather dao. Finally TiapYang came. But nooo, he decided to sit at the back of the orchestra. The conductor repeatedly addressed all instructions to the "viola section" to Tiapyang alone at the back, and kept asking him to play louder (to drown out the rest of us no doubt), I guess he had given up on us. To be honest, some tears did well up, but of course I couldnt just break down in front of everyone in the middle of a rehearsal...
A concerned query of "You okay or not?" broke my melodramatic staring into mid-air. Maybe he meant it, or maybe it was just a passing remark. But I felt much better. Just shows how much a little show of concern can matter to someone who is feeling down. I managed to muster up a change of expression, and mutter a "Yeah", although it still sounded rather gruff. I regret having replied in such an unfriendly manner, but I WAS feeling bad.
From then on, things began to look up. I decided to mingle around during break time, and it certainly cheered me up plenty. (although I still feel bad watching my juniors play chapteh while I keep getting called a n00b cos I cant play =P) After all, everyone was so happy entertaining the new batch of sec 1s (i didnt get to know this batch. First batch of sec 1s I didnt talk to at all. DARN.)
Sneaked to back desk, and forced my junior to go in front, he has less reluctance to do so compared to me =P. The other half of orch was much better I guess, since I could play more confidently in back desk, not feel so bad about screwing up, and there was my nice junior to talk to. It ended a happy day after all.
At the bus stop, one of the bassists made a passing comment of how he couldnt hear me, only Tiapyang, although I was sitting closer to him. For a moment, a wave of downcastness struck me (I SUX), because I was playing the loudest I could already :/. But it quickly passed, it was natural of course, since Tiapyang was so much more pro than me, and probably shall always be.
I simply have to do my part, as a member of this organisation, whether as a String player, member of the class, or even a citizen of Singapore (this is what constitutes Good Governance, ha). It doesnt matter if everyone else was better than me, as long as I don't give up being better than I was yesterday.
REMINDER TO SELF: DO NOT WASTE TIME BEING ZIBEI.
I really should learn from the Never-Say-Die attitude of Naruto (since I read so much anyway). But then again, Naruto is merely a fictional character. So maybe I should base my inspiration on somone more real, like someone who constantly tries to shoot paper balls into the bin in class, never giving up although he misses almost all the time, hits it in like REALLYREALLY rarely, and everyone keeps telling him to give up =P. (Of course, just today, he simply moved to bin to the back of the class so he can get a closer and easier shot. But that's another matter =P)
NEVER GIVE UP.
This day shall be remembered. And this entry as a reminder to myself.
Hopefully, this is gonna be my first clear-headed entry, unmotivated by zibeiness.
The day started out fine. I had mugged maths the day before, doing some parts of the darn maths assignment (to which Gwee nicely gave answers, although I found no real use for them cos I was infinitely puzzled by the qns). I was feeling confident, although worried that I had no managed to finish the assignment, but had faith in my ability nonetheless, with a certain preparation to "wing it" and bank in on my usual tyconess.
I started to worry when I stepped into class and realised most of the people had finished the assignment. Still, I brushed it off with foolish VANITY. So much for vanity being better than a lack of confidence =P
The first lesson was PE. A terrible start to the day. I thought we were gonna play soccer or some other team sport in which I would be able to slack at the side while occassionally getting to touch the ball if I was lucky. No such luck/misfortune. We were to do PULL-UPS.
It would have been...well, okay, if a certain RAM did not ask us to run a few (one or two) rounds. It would have been ACCEPTABLE if we all had to run two rounds together. But NOO, he decided that we were PLAYING A FOOL during the run, while a small group of five, who had simply been a few seconds ahead of us werent, and were thus spared the second round and the annoying drill of leg-lifts. It would have been TOLERABLE if I had actually been playing a fool. But being the GOOD BOY i am, I only slacked. INJUSTICE!
Well, finally we got to the pullups. I was feeling uneasy about jumping up to grab the pullup bar. After all, I recalled being too short to do so last year and having to be carried up to the bar. At the same time, I was feeling confident (possibly complacent, on hindsight) at being able to do 3 pullups, since I had done so last year, when I was most definitely a lot weaker. To my amazement, I managed to grab the pullup bar after simply jumping =D. But to my shock, I was close to finishing my third pullup when I felt my arms just freeze, and my body elevate no further...it was a desperate struggle to squiggle my way up a few inches, but to no avail, I crashed down back to the floor.
So much for the confidence. Understandably, I began thinking to myself, what could have been the reason for my failure (a.k.a giving excuses to console myself): I guess I gained weight, or grew weaker?! Maybe it was the jubilation of catching the pullup bar that caught me off-guard, maybe I was slacking, hadnt done my best...but no excuses satisfied me.
I had failed, and I knew it. In case any one is thinking right now: "Well at least you did two, I didnt manage to do ANY/I did only ONE", remember that I weight a mere 46kg, extraordinarily light for someone this age. It should be easier to lift my mass. There was no more running away, I had to admit that I am weak.
For the first time, I actually met the expectations of the athletes around me, I failed. I mean, it is obvious that a little guy who didnt seem to participate in sports at all would not be able to do pullups right? It's a wonder how I pass my 2.4 with timing of 11min plus. I began to feel a tad disheartened. It didnt show.
Recess went on as usual. Got an icecream, hoping the sugar boost would cheer me up. I guess it worked a little. I consoled myself thinking that my strength was in academics, I would get my A1 for this test. After all, I had familiarised myself with all the formulas and was fairly competent at converting the equations.
"Fairly competent" didnt cut it. The first two questions went by easily, as I felt confident I could actually pass this test. It got difficult from the 2nd question onwards, as I found myself spinning my pen impatiently, staring at the increasingly complex equations on my paper, hoping for the inspiration to solve the question to hit me. I was incredibly confused. The equations I was supposed to simplify or convert only got more and more complex, as my working seemed to lead nowhere.
Although I did manage to clear my mind and skip the questions I didnt know and tackle easier ones, I had left three questions unanswered by the end of the test. There was no way of getting an A1, even a pass seemed improbable (especially since Gwee isnt exactly known for giving working marks :( ). I could only console myself with the hope that she might give a retest, since some people also seemed to have problems with the paper. Deep inside, I knew the chance was slim, but I hung on to it.
The rest of the day just didnt seem right. Thoughts were nagging me in my head. I was weak, and now even incompetent in my studies. I WAS becoming useless. Observing the subsequent lessons and how classmates would actively participate in class, I was reminded once again that I was not speaking up enough. Maybe I didnt belong in this Humanities Class. What part of me was vocal enough to belong anyway? History wasnt exactly boring, but there was so much to remember. Geog was simply...repetitive and BORING. Lit was getting harder to understand, esp in the fog of Macbeth. I fear for my grades.
But still, I looked forward to EP3 at the end of the day. Perhaps playing some music would cheer me up.
Galven couldnt make it for orchestra. He had debate. I was feeling resentful at how he was skipping orchestra, but it totally wasnt his choice (or at least I hope it wasnt) and debate WAS more important. But then after lunch, I returned to class to find Ervin gone too, with his violin still left in class, it was certain that he wasnt going for orchestra. (Somehow the situation reminded me somewhat of Yarn in Sec 1) I shrugged it off, assuming he had a valid reason (as usual), trying hard not to jump to the conclusion that he was skipping orch once again cause he decided he didnt like it anymore.
I dunno why I felt bothered about the observation. Yeah, sure, we arent exactly good friends or anything, neither do I belong in his clique, but there was a certain bond formed between people from the same class, going for the same EP3, and for a moment you actually think that such a situation would make you, well, friends. But some things just arent meant to be, and perhaps can never change. Some friends naturally go together, some can never fit no matter how hard you try. Urrgh, nvm.
So I trudged off to orch alone. Sat down reluctantly at front desk, because TiapYang wasnt there yet. Thankfully he was busy with other matters, guess he isnt as slacky as I thought =P
The new teacher makes me feel rather useless and lousy. My viola teacher is so strict, picking on my every mistake, which although gives hope that I might improve, makes me feel extremely flawed and useless (having learnt the instrument for 3 years already and still so lousy)
The new conductor, on the other hand, has high expectations of the orchestra, expectations that I just cannot meet. When TiapYang isnt here, the viola section is absolutely useless, at least that's the impression I get from the sniggers from the other sections when we fail to play out when requested to play alone, or the exasperated expression on the conductor's face when our solo parts come in, or he has to call on us to play a particular portion by ourselves.
I felt even more useless in orchestra, and began to feel rather dao. Finally TiapYang came. But nooo, he decided to sit at the back of the orchestra. The conductor repeatedly addressed all instructions to the "viola section" to Tiapyang alone at the back, and kept asking him to play louder (to drown out the rest of us no doubt), I guess he had given up on us. To be honest, some tears did well up, but of course I couldnt just break down in front of everyone in the middle of a rehearsal...
A concerned query of "You okay or not?" broke my melodramatic staring into mid-air. Maybe he meant it, or maybe it was just a passing remark. But I felt much better. Just shows how much a little show of concern can matter to someone who is feeling down. I managed to muster up a change of expression, and mutter a "Yeah", although it still sounded rather gruff. I regret having replied in such an unfriendly manner, but I WAS feeling bad.
From then on, things began to look up. I decided to mingle around during break time, and it certainly cheered me up plenty. (although I still feel bad watching my juniors play chapteh while I keep getting called a n00b cos I cant play =P) After all, everyone was so happy entertaining the new batch of sec 1s (i didnt get to know this batch. First batch of sec 1s I didnt talk to at all. DARN.)
Sneaked to back desk, and forced my junior to go in front, he has less reluctance to do so compared to me =P. The other half of orch was much better I guess, since I could play more confidently in back desk, not feel so bad about screwing up, and there was my nice junior to talk to. It ended a happy day after all.
At the bus stop, one of the bassists made a passing comment of how he couldnt hear me, only Tiapyang, although I was sitting closer to him. For a moment, a wave of downcastness struck me (I SUX), because I was playing the loudest I could already :/. But it quickly passed, it was natural of course, since Tiapyang was so much more pro than me, and probably shall always be.
I simply have to do my part, as a member of this organisation, whether as a String player, member of the class, or even a citizen of Singapore (this is what constitutes Good Governance, ha). It doesnt matter if everyone else was better than me, as long as I don't give up being better than I was yesterday.
REMINDER TO SELF: DO NOT WASTE TIME BEING ZIBEI.
I really should learn from the Never-Say-Die attitude of Naruto (since I read so much anyway). But then again, Naruto is merely a fictional character. So maybe I should base my inspiration on somone more real, like someone who constantly tries to shoot paper balls into the bin in class, never giving up although he misses almost all the time, hits it in like REALLYREALLY rarely, and everyone keeps telling him to give up =P. (Of course, just today, he simply moved to bin to the back of the class so he can get a closer and easier shot. But that's another matter =P)
NEVER GIVE UP.
This day shall be remembered. And this entry as a reminder to myself.