dwelling
i feel like the insides of my body are shivering uncontrolably...like i'm freezing on the inside or being electricuted..and my airway is so constricted and tightened...like i have something huge laying across my chest.i have these moments where i can smile and laugh and i'm okay..but most of the time i just wan't to lay in my bed and never get out.i don't wan't to talk.i don't wan't to eat.i don't even wan't to make the effort to breathe....
but i do look forward to anything that can make me forget...even if for a moment.
everyone keeps talking about how strong i am,how well i've handled things,and thats really nice and all...but i know i'm not handling them as well as everyone seems to think.i've been trying to delude myself into thinking she's still alive...and i'm just confused like i often am after a bad dream.
i am so mad at people for being alive.thats just so wrong,but i see them and i just wan't to scream at them.....as in how dare they be alive?!when my mom is not. and then people smile and are happy and get to go on with their lives and that makes me upset too.
i mean,ofcourse..i don't wan't these people to be sad and miserable..umm or dead..just because of what i'm going through....but i get genuinely upset at these people for existing...trying to figure out what gives them the right to be here,but not my mom.
and then i get hurt by people who say their is no god...there is no heaven..and normally,i don't care.Alot of my friends think that way..but right now i'm clinging to that so hard,to seeing her again...i feel like they're taking that away from me.and i know it's silly.
i don't fault them for what they believe..like i expect anyone to change their beliefs because i'm sad.heh.and i honestly love the diversity in all my friends' views....and actually,it's not my friends that say it.it's the complete strangers who say it...the ones who wouldn't care....i know my friends actually know me and love me enough that they would never suggest that to me....
i know i'm rambling.i'm probably making little sense.
i'm sorry
i know i'm dwelling..
and i'm sorry for that too..
i feel guilty for so many reasons.
god forbid i loose anyone else i love,i honestly don't think i can make it.
but i do look forward to anything that can make me forget...even if for a moment.
everyone keeps talking about how strong i am,how well i've handled things,and thats really nice and all...but i know i'm not handling them as well as everyone seems to think.i've been trying to delude myself into thinking she's still alive...and i'm just confused like i often am after a bad dream.
i am so mad at people for being alive.thats just so wrong,but i see them and i just wan't to scream at them.....as in how dare they be alive?!when my mom is not. and then people smile and are happy and get to go on with their lives and that makes me upset too.
i mean,ofcourse..i don't wan't these people to be sad and miserable..umm or dead..just because of what i'm going through....but i get genuinely upset at these people for existing...trying to figure out what gives them the right to be here,but not my mom.
and then i get hurt by people who say their is no god...there is no heaven..and normally,i don't care.Alot of my friends think that way..but right now i'm clinging to that so hard,to seeing her again...i feel like they're taking that away from me.and i know it's silly.
i don't fault them for what they believe..like i expect anyone to change their beliefs because i'm sad.heh.and i honestly love the diversity in all my friends' views....and actually,it's not my friends that say it.it's the complete strangers who say it...the ones who wouldn't care....i know my friends actually know me and love me enough that they would never suggest that to me....
i know i'm rambling.i'm probably making little sense.
i'm sorry
i know i'm dwelling..
and i'm sorry for that too..
i feel guilty for so many reasons.
god forbid i loose anyone else i love,i honestly don't think i can make it.