(no subject)
copy-pasting from tumblr because i feel like this place needs it way more.
i was drowning once. well, a silly moment, i guess. or maybe i’m minimising it thinking that some people were drowning SERIOUSLY, not just a minute or two of drunken youth mistake.
but i still remember how fucking scared i was during that minute or so when my friend tried to save herself by using me as leverage - never reach out to drowning person, instinctual they’ll grab and hold on to you running to the surface. always grab them instead.
but i do feel scared when reading descriptions of drowning. immediately after i also feel ashamed that it was just this silly thing we laughed at a mere minutes after and not enough to trigger any reaction in me. but maybe from the outside it wasn’t nothing? no idea. lake, alcohol, one stupid person and we have tragedies. but.
in a way, i think, it’s something that triggers me slightly (i do feel wrong for that - i feel like it’s not enough to react but i kind of do - it was years ago, i don’t even remember it with all details but i know it was the first and hopefully last time when water scared me and when i was scared, even if for such a long time, that i won’t catch my breath). i’ve never really had triggers online. i had things i couldn’t look at because they disgusted me or i just didn’t like (body fluids or cutting body - i can’t watch it). but the idea of being triggered was a bit foreign to me, i couldn’t understand it, just abstractly. with free! and makoto, his panic attacks that often lead to drowning in fics, i find myself remembering, fearing, being uneasy. i think - that’s that it’s like.
but other day, my neighbours - a married couple with a daughter, i think nine years old, were arguing so, so loud. and i’d roll my eyes but the girl - she was crying and screaming at them to stop, begging. her cries “mom please”, “daddy” and then calling a family member and shutting herself on a balcony while she pleaded for help because her parents are hitting each other. motherfucking parents, i hope they’ll rot in hell, of course never heard her, never noticed, spitting obscenities and exchanging blows. i was this close to yelling, interfering, calling the cops, making them go to fucking jail. i shook for hours after, i nearly had an episode. episode no one understands, no one believes. that it’s there. i was listening to the scene and the girl and she was me, me when i was nine, in a corner, plastered to the balcony doors, shrieking, crying and not being able to breathe, feeling my mind slipping away.
she was me, her parents were my parents, the motherfucking idiots who instead of divorcing and ending the abuse, stay together because a child needs mom and dad. and what a child gets is toxic family full of fights, screaming and fear.
the saddest part is that i ever got any therapy, i never got any help, i’ve never been believed because people - people are so stupid. call me arrogant but everyone around me in real life is - how to say, lss than me in a sense of understanding. i tell them “i have panic attacks when i see my father drunk, i feel like i’m slipping away and falling” and then look at me and say “oh, sure” not understanding, saying i’m overreacting.
but i heard the fight of my neighbours and even thought it’s been 6 years since anything and 8 years since my parents’ last fight, i crouched on my balcony trying not to cry.
but i feel like i’m making it bigger than i should. with no one to talk to, no one to understand, no one to believe me i’ve had it engraved in me - feeling guilty for reacting even if i know rationally i have every right to react.
i guess - i do have my own triggers.