The Marriage Problem
Todd and I were going to be married this morning in my sleep. He had the whole thing ready to go and the colors were pink. At least most of it was pink and the black tuxedos. He stood there waiting for me to show up and marry him, but I paced in my apartment, saying aloud: I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't. So I left him standing there. And someone finally went to him and told him I wouldn't be there.
It was as if I were him while he stood there and at the same time, I was me--sure that I couldn't make that leap. It's a strange feeling to empathize wholly with both sides of the coin. Could I get married if I found someone I could be with?
I still can't ever imagine the whole ceremony of it. Justin and I made an agreement that we would marry each other if we ended up in the same city. That we would have the benefits of it if we wouldn't plan to marry in the traditional sense. If the government is going to benefit people who marry than I don't see an issue with marrying who I wish. Even if it's just a friend. I will bind myself to a friend, legally, if we can be given a chance at better financial benefits. I think it's ridiculous that married folk get a better end of the deal that single people. Single discrimination. Well, fuck, let's get married, sir. Let's become legally unsingle. Why the fuck not?
Marriage, to me, isn't about love. It's about security and about comfort and, for some, a title change. But I can call someone my husband or wife without being legally married to them. Again, labels are self-identified. How funny would it be to call Justin my husband? Hah!
Many dreams have incurred around this scenario: marriage. Like when Jeff was marrying someone else and I ran to the place and saw him walking with her and he looked truly happy, and I was devastated and lowly sunk. It's as if I had gotten there sooner, he would have chosen me. But I wouldn't have given him what she did.
What is it that marriage does? Why is it still such a strong part of our culture? And why does the government provide advantages to married couples? It seems that single folk need their money more than married folk considering single folk tend to live on their own and have only one source of income.
Just another way to make and spend money in America. The decorations, the dress, the plane tickets and gifts and center pieces. Like most thing, most traditions, the wedding has become a highly commercialized merry-go-round where more and more are not satisfied with their purchase. More and more, folks want to return what they've gotten themselves into.
Shift the label.
How many married couples are glorified friendships, anyway? Sexless.
That's it. I've come into contact with folks who say they want that and our ultimate deterioration is a result of me not wanting it, too. Me not needing it, too. I don't want to call anyone in my life husband or wife. Traditionally, marriage has been about ownership--namely, that the man owns the woman. She gives up her name for his. Of course, this has shifted so folks have hyphenated names, so that folks in same-sex relationships can marry and create new names or choose whose name is adopted. Yet, it's still about ownership. A way of saying, this person is bound to me. Of telling the outside world that they are bound.
Traditionally, this means you can't be with another person. Even with negotiation, it's considered shameful to blur those lines.
And also, the idea that in acting intimate toward another person is a betrayal on your primary partner is also a constant in our culture. Why is cheating considered the ultimate relationship sin? The lying part is the part that's not okay. But if somewhere were honest, "I want to sleep with this person, or I did sleep with this person," I wouldn't kick them to the curb.
If Jeff said while we were still together that he wanted to sleep with someone at a party we were attending, I would want to know who and I would want to assess the appeal. To appreciate another human being with him and to be reminded that attraction is multi-faceted and complicated. If he were to flirt in front of me, I would be turned on by this and want to infiltrate them. Or allow him his fun. Maybe that's easier to say than to do, but I have done it. After we broke up and were still affectionate and flirty and he went home with others and I saw others, too, we still were intellectually and emotionally connected even if not sexually and I still found satisfaction and ease in that fact.
It's impossible for one person to satisfy every desire I have. Sexual, intellectual, physical, emotional, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes people blur into one person and become halves of a whole, but I don't want that. I want someone who is confident in manning their own station.
So if marriage is a way of sharing a life with someone, that's great. But it seems to me that marriage has become a label combined with a financial benefit. It's not about professing love because you can do that without a contract. It's about protecting a bunch of shit that you collect over the years. Making sure that you don't get out the relationship with nothing. In some cases, it insures that you get out of the relationship with nothing. My mother is proof, my father is proof. Both have left marriages starting from the beginning again. Both are at a place in their life where they don't have many assets. Marriages have left both my parents in bad places. Had they never married, they could have simply left when it got really bad. But it was their stuff that made them stay. Perhaps marriage had nothing to do with it.
The ceremony and tradition of marriage privileged the heterosexual only for a very long time and still does in many states. It also privileged white folks for a long time. It has been policed in many ways. It continues to change. It was a religious institution and now it includes the government. I believe that marriage should have nothing to do with the government and no person should receive special treatment for getting married. It should be a label folks should have if they want it. That they can discard if they don't. That shouldn't come with a certain level of privilege. A privilege that not everyone in this country can exercise.
It was as if I were him while he stood there and at the same time, I was me--sure that I couldn't make that leap. It's a strange feeling to empathize wholly with both sides of the coin. Could I get married if I found someone I could be with?
I still can't ever imagine the whole ceremony of it. Justin and I made an agreement that we would marry each other if we ended up in the same city. That we would have the benefits of it if we wouldn't plan to marry in the traditional sense. If the government is going to benefit people who marry than I don't see an issue with marrying who I wish. Even if it's just a friend. I will bind myself to a friend, legally, if we can be given a chance at better financial benefits. I think it's ridiculous that married folk get a better end of the deal that single people. Single discrimination. Well, fuck, let's get married, sir. Let's become legally unsingle. Why the fuck not?
Marriage, to me, isn't about love. It's about security and about comfort and, for some, a title change. But I can call someone my husband or wife without being legally married to them. Again, labels are self-identified. How funny would it be to call Justin my husband? Hah!
Many dreams have incurred around this scenario: marriage. Like when Jeff was marrying someone else and I ran to the place and saw him walking with her and he looked truly happy, and I was devastated and lowly sunk. It's as if I had gotten there sooner, he would have chosen me. But I wouldn't have given him what she did.
What is it that marriage does? Why is it still such a strong part of our culture? And why does the government provide advantages to married couples? It seems that single folk need their money more than married folk considering single folk tend to live on their own and have only one source of income.
Just another way to make and spend money in America. The decorations, the dress, the plane tickets and gifts and center pieces. Like most thing, most traditions, the wedding has become a highly commercialized merry-go-round where more and more are not satisfied with their purchase. More and more, folks want to return what they've gotten themselves into.
Shift the label.
How many married couples are glorified friendships, anyway? Sexless.
That's it. I've come into contact with folks who say they want that and our ultimate deterioration is a result of me not wanting it, too. Me not needing it, too. I don't want to call anyone in my life husband or wife. Traditionally, marriage has been about ownership--namely, that the man owns the woman. She gives up her name for his. Of course, this has shifted so folks have hyphenated names, so that folks in same-sex relationships can marry and create new names or choose whose name is adopted. Yet, it's still about ownership. A way of saying, this person is bound to me. Of telling the outside world that they are bound.
Traditionally, this means you can't be with another person. Even with negotiation, it's considered shameful to blur those lines.
And also, the idea that in acting intimate toward another person is a betrayal on your primary partner is also a constant in our culture. Why is cheating considered the ultimate relationship sin? The lying part is the part that's not okay. But if somewhere were honest, "I want to sleep with this person, or I did sleep with this person," I wouldn't kick them to the curb.
If Jeff said while we were still together that he wanted to sleep with someone at a party we were attending, I would want to know who and I would want to assess the appeal. To appreciate another human being with him and to be reminded that attraction is multi-faceted and complicated. If he were to flirt in front of me, I would be turned on by this and want to infiltrate them. Or allow him his fun. Maybe that's easier to say than to do, but I have done it. After we broke up and were still affectionate and flirty and he went home with others and I saw others, too, we still were intellectually and emotionally connected even if not sexually and I still found satisfaction and ease in that fact.
It's impossible for one person to satisfy every desire I have. Sexual, intellectual, physical, emotional, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes people blur into one person and become halves of a whole, but I don't want that. I want someone who is confident in manning their own station.
So if marriage is a way of sharing a life with someone, that's great. But it seems to me that marriage has become a label combined with a financial benefit. It's not about professing love because you can do that without a contract. It's about protecting a bunch of shit that you collect over the years. Making sure that you don't get out the relationship with nothing. In some cases, it insures that you get out of the relationship with nothing. My mother is proof, my father is proof. Both have left marriages starting from the beginning again. Both are at a place in their life where they don't have many assets. Marriages have left both my parents in bad places. Had they never married, they could have simply left when it got really bad. But it was their stuff that made them stay. Perhaps marriage had nothing to do with it.
The ceremony and tradition of marriage privileged the heterosexual only for a very long time and still does in many states. It also privileged white folks for a long time. It has been policed in many ways. It continues to change. It was a religious institution and now it includes the government. I believe that marriage should have nothing to do with the government and no person should receive special treatment for getting married. It should be a label folks should have if they want it. That they can discard if they don't. That shouldn't come with a certain level of privilege. A privilege that not everyone in this country can exercise.