"This is the finest weed in the Shire" - Gandolf in Lord of the Rings
What ever happened to the old me. I was reading my past journals, and realized that at the end of each one, I always had a positive mood. Now it seems that I'm always feeling like something isn't quite right, kind of an empty feeling. I've come to one conclusion, which I think may be correct, that the reason for my neverending sadness is that I really don't have any self-esteem anymore. I think one of the main reasons I have no more self-esteem is because I haven't been physically active for a long time now. I miss running a lot and wish only to be able to go on those long distance runs again. Now that I have a car, once I'm able to start driving it, I'll start going to Lifetime Fitness once again and get in shape for the spring. One good thing about having no self-esteem is that now, much more than before, I look at people for who they are and really notice "inner beauty" more. I noticed I'm also much more reserved and mature in the way I act and the things I say and am more prone to speaking of things that are on my mind. I was actually thinking about this the other day and I was thinking about my first experiences with pot. Now, everyone I know who reads my journals knows about me and weed except for I think Robert...hope he's not too shocked when he reads this :) Anyways, I remember one time in particular when I was at Bilal's house on a Friday night with Ariel. I was laying on the floor, completely relaxed and spent, and I started feeling Ariel's shoe claiming that just by feeling his shoe, I could tell what color, size, and brand they were. Anyways, looking back at that time, I can't even believe how stupid and bizarre I acted. Now, I will say some stupid things that may not make sense, but I don't even imagine doing things half as stupid as I used to do. Now that I've got to talking about weed, last Friday, I had an experience that, for some reason, I will not forget. After toking a lot with Ryan (I just wanted to finish off my bag to get it off my mind), I took a shower and wound up spending (according to Ryan) about one and a half hours in there. While in there, I kept going through periods of extreme weakness and then extreme happiness and power. I would just be standing there, and then suddenly I'd lose all strength and had to kneel down and close my eyes to keep from passing out. Then after about 10 minutes of kneeling this sense of greatness would come over me and I'd stand back up revitalized for about 10 minutes before it happened again. Somewhere during this whole "ordeal", my ear wound up getting near the drain, and I heard almost like video-game music coming from it. I pressed my ear against the drain and listened to the music for a few minutes before realizing that I was blocking it and the tub was filling up. A weird experience at that but something memorable. I probably have so much homework to do...but I really have not thought about it one bit during this whole vacation and it might remain that way.